Now that we have Jephthah’s vow straightened out, maybe it’s a good idea to look at his daughter.  (See posts on 8/28 and 29.)

              First, let’s realize her age.  If she was not married in that culture, she had not yet, or had barely reached the age of puberty.  The custom was to marry the daughters off once they reached that age.  John MacArthur says they were generally betrothed at 13 for one year and then married, so this girl could not have been over 14.

              Let’s take a side trip here to forestall a few wrong conclusions.  Even if puberty arrives earlier nowadays than it did in ancient times, as some scientists seem to believe, it doesn’t mean maturity does.  One is physical and the other mental.  In that time those young people were expected to be responsible enough to raise and provide for children as soon as they were able to have them.  Do we expect that of our children?

              Even as late the 19th and early 20th centuries young men were working to help provide for the family as young as 12 or 14.  Boys brought up on farms were doing men’s work at 8 or 10.  Girls were caring for baby brothers and sisters, and working as hard as their mothers in the house and field at the same age.  No wonder they were ready to marry in their early teens, and no wonder they could make a valid commitment to God at an early age.  They weren’t pining to be a fireman one day and an astronaut the next.  They understood responsibility and lifetime commitment and were ready for it.  Maturity isn’t about knowing facts and answering questions.  Neither is spirituality.  Be careful what you equate.  Culture does make a difference.

              So this very young teenager has just found out that her life is going to be different than she ever expected because of a decision her father has made, not one she has made.  Can’t you just see the TV depiction of a teenager today?  Standing hipshot, she crosses her arms, rolls her eyes and whines, “Da-uhd!”  This isn’t fair.  This isn’t what I planned.  I had dreams and you ruined them all!  It’s my life not yours!

              Don’t think for a minute that a child has no responsibility to his parents’ vows.  As soon as a man accepts the office of an elder, his family is accepting extra scrutiny, extra inconvenience as he performs his work, and less of his time.  The same is true of a deacon though in a lesser way.  The same is certainly true of a man who gives his life to preaching the gospel.  It doesn’t lessen his own obligations to his family, but it does increase his family’s obligations to God.  It also means their behavior must be above reproach. 

              Let’s be realistic here.  No, it isn’t only elders, deacons, and preachers’ families who must behave themselves, but the ramifications are much worse since they represent the local church, and the Lord, in the eyes of the world.  The world may very well be wrong about what they expect of these men, but it is simply naïve to think it doesn’t work that way.

              Then there is this point—every Christian has vowed his life to God.  So in a very real way, every Christian family is under the microscope.  As soon as a child crosses the line, you know what everyone thinks—wasn’t he raised better than that?  As soon as his life deviates from the life a Christian should live, the world suddenly looks at his parents differently.  Even if it is not their fault, even if they have done the best they possibly could have, someone will lose respect for that couple, and certainly for the life they have espoused.  No, it isn’t always fair, but what is it we always tell our children?  Life isn’t fair.

              Every one of us is someone’s child.  If you were blessed as I was to have godly parents, they vowed you to God just as surely as Jephthah vowed his daughter.  They said, “We will raise this child to serve you all his life.”  Have you honored that vow?
 
"Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children's children-- how on the day that you stood before the LORD your God at Horeb, the LORD said to me, 'Gather the people to me, that I may let them hear my words, so that they may learn to fear me all the days that they live on the earth, and that they may teach their children so.' Deut 4:9-10
 
Dene Ward
 

The last time we went to visit, four year old Judah made up a game.  He had a pile of "buddies" (mainly stuffed animals) out in the family room and picked up two.  These he carefully carried behind his back as he walked across the floor.  As he reached what must have been a predetermined point in his little mind, he suddenly dropped the two buddies, one at a time. 

              "Drop one, drop two," he said.  Then he turned around and looked.  Number two was placed in a "keep" pile, while number one was discarded across the room.  Then he picked up two more and did it again.  Before long he had two piles, each half the size of the one he began with.  Then he started the process all over again with the "keep" pile, adding yet more to the discard pile and leaving a smaller "keep" pile.  He did this several times until he had finally whittled it down to two buddies.  When he finished, he looked at the buddy who had "won" the game—the final "drop two" buddy.  He was not entirely pleased, so he gathered all the buddies from both piles together and started over again.

              This time, instead of carrying the buddies behind his back where, I suppose, he couldn't always remember which hand held what, he carried them in front of him.  He could see exactly who he was dropping when.  Occasionally he even hesitated before deciding which to drop first, the buddy which would then be discarded altogether.  Because he could see what he was doing, he was happy with the end result, which was Lucky the Tiger, his favorite.  Obviously, he had rigged the game.

              I began thinking about how he had made his choices.  If one was his brother's buddy and the other was his, his brother's was the first to go to the discard pile.  If one were a newer buddy, and the other an old favorite, the newer one fell victim to "Drop one."  Once he had culled it down to only his old favorites, life became a little more difficult.  In fact, the third time through the game, Leo the blankie actually displaced Lucky the Tiger.

              Now let's put feet on this little story.  Do we ever do the same thing?  Yes, we adults have been known to determine Truth not by what the scripture says but by who says it.  Did Brother Big Name Preacher say this, or some poor old nobody you never heard of?  Did my best friend in the congregation take this side and the guy I can hardly tolerate take the other?  Is this the view my blood family takes while someone I am not related to takes that one?

              Or maybe we make our choices based on how it affects us.  Would this view mean I need to admit wrong and change my life and that other one leave me to live as I want to?  Would it mean that my parents died in sin and I just can't bear to think such a thing?  Would it mean I need to disfellowship my good friends?  Would it mean my children are no longer considered faithful Christians, so I just won't consider the possibility that this scripture actually means that at all.  I've known more than one preacher whose views on divorce and remarriage changed when family was suddenly involved.  Honestly considering the scriptures with rational, logical thought had nothing to do with it.

              Our first allegiance is supposed to be to God and His revealed Word, not family, not best friends, not famous people or those with more wealth or status.  We are not four years old.  We are supposed to have matured enough to make the hard decisions regardless the fallout.  "Drop one, drop two" is not a meaningless game with God.  He watches who and what you drop and why.  He knows how to play the game too, and He will not let His love for sinners influence His decisions about who to drop first if they refuse the Truth.
 
​Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. (Matt 10:37)
​If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:26)
 
Dene Ward         

Three year old Silas has learned to pray, and often sits at the table, eagerly clasping his little hands together, looking back and forth at his parents, hoping they will ask him to say the blessing. 

              “Do you want to say the prayer?” his daddy asks, as if it weren’t obvious, and he gets a big nod and off we go.  It’s never about the meal.  To him it’s about talking to God and saying thank you for something, for anything, for whatever happens to be on his mind.

              “Hey God!”  Read that the way an excited child would greet his grandparents, not the way a New Yorker would yell, “Hey Mac!”

              “Thank you for sisters,” although he has none, but one of his little friends does, so he wants to mention it.

              “Thank you for blue, and red, and yellow,” the colors of the containers he puts his blocks in.  He doesn’t complain about having to pick up his toys.  He thanks God for something to put them in, and that’s the one that really made me think.

              I wonder how many of our complaints could be expressed as thanks with just a little thought.  Dealing with rush hour traffic?  Thank God you have a car to drive through it in.  Complaining about the stack of ironing?  Thank God you have that many clothes to wear.  Griping a little about picking up your husband’s shoes?  Thank God he is alive and well enough to leave them in the middle of the floor.

              I thought about this again yesterday when I was blowing off the carport.  We didn’t have one for years, and sometimes I think that all it did for me was give me something else to keep clean.  But last week when one of our usual summer gully washers came through, I could unload the groceries and stay dry. 

              Then I came in and heaved a sigh at the extra dirty floor.  That happened because we saved enough money to buy a new vanity for the bathroom and the plumber tracked in sand going in and out. 

              Stop and think today about the things you complain about.  How many are caused by blessings you could have thanked God for instead?  How many extra chores do you have because God has provided you a home and a family?  I never had to wash diapers until I had babies.  Do you think for one minute I would have given them back? 

              If ever anyone had something to grumble about, it was Daniel when the other two presidents and the 120 satraps tricked the king into making the law against praying to anyone other than him.  How did he react instead?  And when Daniel knew that the writing was signed, he went into his house (now his windows were open in his chamber toward Jerusalem) and he kneeled upon his knees three times a day, and prayed, and gave thanks before his God, as he did aforetime. Daniel 6:10.  Surely if Daniel could say thank you at a time like that, we can in this relatively easy time in history.

              God is patient with us as we daily grumble our way through a life He has blessed in thousands of ways.  You have to go to work?  These days especially, be grateful for a job.  Gas prices too high?  You’re still buying it, aren’t you? 

              Maybe we should be a little more like a three year old.  “Hey God!  (I’m so excited to talk to you!)  Thank you for all you have done for me, for the things you have given me that I don’t deserve and forget to be grateful for.  For all those extra chores, because they mean you have blessed me beyond measure.  For all my pet peeves, because it means I am able to be up and around and go to those places where they happen.  For the fact that I have to work so hard to lose weight, because it means I have plenty to eat.  For people who get on my nerves, because it means I have friends and family and neighbors and brothers and sisters in Christ—I am not alone.”

              Today look at everything you gripe about and find the blessing.  You will be amazed--and probably a little ashamed.  And maybe those gripes will go away, for at least a little awhile.
 
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you, 1 Thes 5:18.
 
Dene Ward

We had our first opportunity for an overnight with our grandson Silas when he was two.  It was better than a trip to Disneyworld, better than a vacation in an exotic place, better than dinner in a five star restaurant, better than just about anything you could possibly think of.  Do I sound like a doting grandmother yet?

            When he woke the next morning, he remembered that it was the two of us who put him in the crib the night before and he called out, “Granddad!  Grandma!”  And there was that smiling face and those big blue eyes under a head full of tousled blond curls. 

            My one concern that weekend was understanding what he was saying.  He has been talking since he was one, but sometimes in a language we can’t quite figure out.  It sounds for all the world like a real tongue.  It comes complete with hand motions and facial expressions and he is quite fluent in it.  Unfortunately, we aren’t.

            The last year he has gained more English and less of his personal argot.  For two years old, as he was then, he had quite a vocabulary.  We were doing shape recognition, and he pointed to one and said, “That’s an oval.”  I hadn’t quite gotten over the shock of that when he added, “And that’s a rhombus.”  I quickly flipped through my own mental file card, trying to remember that one from high school math classes. 

            That morning after we got him out of bed, he turned to me and said, “Can I have bussenwuddy?”

            I was stumped.  Maybe I didn’t hear right, I thought.  So I asked, “Bussenwuddy?”

            His little eyes brightened and he started jumping in my lap.  “Yes, yes!  Bussenwuddy!”

            Okay, now what?  Bussenwuddy...  I flipped through those file cards in my mind once again.  What have I heard him talking about that sounds like bussenwuddy?

            Finally it came to me.  “Buzz and Woody?” 

            Another excited little bounce.  “Yes, yes!  Bussenwuddy.  Can I?”  He wanted to watch the Toy Story DVD.  I felt like a successful grandmother--I had figured out what my two year old grandchild wanted.  Do you think anyone but a grandparent would have tried so hard?

            God is trying to talk to us every day.  He has put it down in black and white.  All we have to do is pick it up and read it.  Some of us won’t even be bothered with that.  Then there are the ones that will pick it up, but then put it back down in frustration.  “I can’t understand this.”  Well, how hard are you willing to try?

            I have had women leave my classes because “They’re too much work.”  Keith has had people complain about his classes because, “They’re too deep.”  Really?  I would be embarrassed to say such a thing if I had been a Christian for two decades or more. 

            Don’t I care enough about my Father in Heaven to put a little effort into it?  It isn’t that He expects us all to be scholars, who love to put our noses in books for hours on end.  But He does expect us to care enough to spend a little time at it.  He expects us to be willing to push ourselves some. 

            No, it isn’t all as simple as, “Do this,” or “Do that.”  Sometimes He throws a bussenwuddy in there (Matt 13:10-13; 2 Pet 3:16).  But if you really care about communicating with your Father, if talking to Him really excites you, if He is the most important thing in your life, then you will exercise that file card memory of yours and flip through it occasionally, striving (a word that denotes effort, by the way) to learn what He expects of you. 

            Knowledge alone doesn’t make you a faithful child of God.  You don’t have to be a genius with a photographic memory, but you do have to love your Father enough to be willing to work at building a relationship with Him.  Pick up your Bible today, and show Him how much He means to you.
 
And he said to me, "Son of man, go to the house of Israel and speak with my words to them. For you are not sent to a people of foreign speech and a hard language, but to the house of Israel-- not to many peoples of foreign speech and a hard language, whose words you cannot understand. Surely, if I sent you to such, they would listen to you. But the house of Israel will not be willing to listen to you, for they are not willing to listen to me: because all the house of Israel have a hard forehead and a stubborn heart.
Ezekiel 3:4-7
 
Dene Ward
 
 

Is there anything more satisfying for a grandparent than being allowed to babysit for several days while Mom and Dad are out of town?  Absolutely not.  It may wear me out, but it's a good kind of tired, the very best in fact.

              Four year old Judah has a stuffed tiger he has lugged around since he could carry anything.  It started out about the same size as he was at birth, but seems to have suffered a little stuffing-porosis.  He is limper and his body parts seem a bit more disjointed, as if someone had hugged on him for years, mashing him into whatever odd posture it took for him to lie cheek to cheek with a loving little towhead.  He is still cute—a long head at least half the size of his body with a cartoon-dufus face and a big black nose.  His stripes these days are a little more pale yellow and gray than orange and black, but there is no mistaking what he is:  a four year old's favorite "buddy."

            Sometime this past year, the tiger got a name—Lucky.  Lucky makes it out of the bed every morning and though he is often cast aside as his small master plays during the day, he always makes it back to bed.  And for some reason, he makes it to the table too. 

           When we were there this past babysitting stint, as we joined hands to pray over our meal, Lucky, for the first time, had his paw held too.  Judah very carefully held on to one paw and laid Lucky out across the large table so his Granddad could grasp the other paw and complete the circle.  "Ah," I thought.  "Something in that little four year old mind has changed.

            If you pooh-pooh your child's favorite buddy, you are missing something important.  I may not be a child psychologist, but I did have my own imaginary friends when I was growing up, so I know a thing or two about this.  Those imaginary friends are anything but imaginary to your little one.  They are best friends.  They protect.  They comfort.  They listen.  They even talk.  Why, Lucky even played a hand of "Go Fish" while we were there.  This is your child's first close relationship with someone not family.  He is learning what it means to be a friend, to be loyal, and to love as friends love.  So when something becomes important to your child, he wants to share it with that special friend. 

            Because Judah sees us praying, because he sees his mom and dad pray, because he sees a room full of friendly faces praying every week, he has learned that praying is important.  What concept does he have of God at this age?  Probably the usual, "God made me-God loves me" impression that most toddlers who have been to church since they were born have.  That doesn't matter.  What does matter is that he wants to share his understanding with his special friend.  It is a normal part of his life, his little brain is thinking, so naturally Lucky would want to do this too.  If he can play Go Fish, certainly he can pray.

            "It's a normal part of his life."  That is important.  Your child should see you interacting with God on a daily basis--in prayer, in study, in family discussions, in decisions you make.  That is how you instill faith in him.  If he grows up seeing these things, more than likely, he will do them too.  And since he believes his little friend can do exactly what he can do, letting Lucky pray will validate in his little mind--even though he has no idea what those words mean--both his relationship with his friend Lucky and his relationship with God.  If you disregard Lucky, whom he can see, how in the world can you expect him to believe in a God he doesn't yet know how to see?  Letting Lucky pray will make God become as real to him as Lucky already has, and eventually, the only real one of the two. 

            And it may all start if you just reach your hand out and grasp a well-loved paw over the dinner table.
 
But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children, (Ps 103:17)
 
Dene Ward

I taught piano lessons (and later added voice lessons) for over 35 years.  By the time I had to quit due to my eye problems, I had a full studio with a two year waiting list.  My students participated in three competitions a year, and no less than four joint recitals, depending upon their ages and their pieces.  At the end of the year, we had what I billed as "the Spring Program," because most people considered recitals "boring" and our programs were anything but.  We put on a show and we had fun.  And afterward I handed out sometimes as many as 20 awards, including some state competition trophies.  Yes, it was a very big deal in our lives.

              "Our lives" because my boys were part of it.  I taught them both.  Lucas went on to focus on voice and theory, while Nathan stayed with the piano.  It's always satisfying to see your children follow in your footsteps.  One day Nathan and I sat down and sightread duets for a half hour or so.  I don't know about him, but I had a blast.  He had grown and learned enough that we could share on an equal footing, a truly exhilarating experience.

              And now, thanks to seeing Daddy play at home, my grandson Silas has started piano lessons.  Last spring I went to his first recital.  He had wowed me all morning, playing a hands-moving-together piece at a difficulty that no 6 year old student of mine had ever reached—with only 8 months of piano under his belt.  We not only practiced his piece, but his bow as well. (Any of my old students reading this will understand.)  And so we all went to the auditorium and sat four rows from the front while he walked up to the grand piano and played his piece.  Perfectly.  With the classiest bow of the evening.  Just last week he did the same thing, this year playing three pieces—perfectly with an almost professional bow.

              I couldn't stop smiling.  And I also couldn't stop the tears from welling in my eyes.  Somehow I managed to get them under control before he saw them, and I gave him a huge hug.  "I am very proud," I said.  "You have made me very happy."

              As proud and happy as I was that day, there are a few other things that would make me even happier.  I doubt I even have to list them.  You know exactly what I am talking about because you wish them for your children and grandchildren too.

              I still help Silas with his piano practice.  With a new piece I often play the left hand while he plays the right, and then we swap places.  By then he can manage to put both hands together himself.  I still help with the theory homework, clapping out rhythms and asking questions that lead him to the right answers.

              But more often than that, we talk about Bible characters, narratives and principles.  We talk about God.  We pray together and sing together.  We memorize verses and recite them together.  Doesn't he get this from his parents?  Of course he does, but the more he gets from more different people—especially people who mean something to him—the more it will mean to him, and the better it will stick.  Just like his Grandma and Daddy playing the piano.

              That first recital was wonderful.  But a first public prayer, a first sermon, and of course, the first commitment--when the time is right--will be even better.
 
But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children, to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments. (Ps 103:17-18)
 
Dene Ward

We’ve been going through old pictures lately and found one of two year old Lucas standing in his father’s work boots.  Even though he was long-legged for his age, those boots reached the tops of his thighs, and his small feet were lost in them.  Still he knew what he wanted at that young age—to grow up to be as big as his daddy.

              Many families have walls where children stand to be measured.  Usually Daddy or big brother have made a mark so high the toddlers can hardly see it, but they eagerly lean up against that wall to check their progress. 

              Paul told the Ephesians we are to measure our height against the height of our Big Brother.  Until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, Eph 4:13.  Why aren’t we as eager as children to stand up against that wall and measure our progress?

              I have a feeling it has something to do with giving up before we even start.  “I can’t be like Jesus.  I’m not perfect,” escapes so many mouths it’s no wonder we never even chase after that perfection.  Why try when we have such a defeatist attitude?  And since I don’t try, I certainly do not want to stand there and be measured—I know I haven’t grown an inch!  Yet Paul makes it plain that we are expected to grow up, to become spiritually mature.  Epaphras…greets you, always struggling on your behalf in his prayers, that you may stand mature and fully assured in all the will of God, Col 4:12.  You cannot excuse yourself and hope to please God. 

              The last study I wrote for my women’s class was Growing to Spiritual Maturity.  We covered as many aspects of maturity as we could think of—perspective, knowledge/wisdom, steadfastness, diligence, modesty, humility, self-control, respect and consideration for others, integrity, dependence upon God, tolerance, and striving for peace rather than squabbling all the time.  We scoured the gospels for the example our Big Brother set for us, and yes, we found ourselves seriously lacking in a lot of places.  So what do we do, simply sit back and sigh wistfully for the unattainable?

              No, we made plans, specific plans, how to overcome the deficits we saw in our character.  We listed, not only such obvious helps as seeking advice, praying, and studying the scriptures, but also specific behavior changes we could make to grow in the areas in which we found ourselves lacking.  We realize we will never be a perfect example of a mature Christian, but we can now eagerly approach that wall and measure ourselves to see how far we have come.  Maybe just an inch this year, but maybe we will have a growth spurt soon and grow six inches in one year.  It will never happen though as long as we avoid that wall, as long as we not only refuse to be measured, but do not even try to improve because we have already given up.

              You see, that is another aspect of maturity.  Real men (and women) don’t quit.  They don’t give up just because the task is difficult.  They make up their minds they will do the impossible, and then they do it.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me. 
 
Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me, Col 1:28,29.
 
Dene Ward

Parenting articles can only do so much.  The biggest problem is making parents understand their role.  Once they get what it’s all about, they usually do their best to accomplish the goal.  If they have the wrong goal or worse maybe, no goal at all, they will flounder around and do nearly everything wrong.  Believe me, you do enough wrong when you are actually trying to do right.  So here are, not a huge list no one is capable of remembering under stress, but just a couple of things, suitable for any circumstance. Remember these and you will come far closer to being good parents than you would have before.

1. YOU ARE THE BOSS.
              First, being parents means YOU are in charge.  We're not talking about being a tyrant, but you are supposed to be older and wiser, the ones God meant to guide their way.  You do not have to ask your children’s permission for anything. 

            You don’t say, “Would like a bath?”  Instead you gently lead them toward the bathroom where you already have the water running and say, “It’s time for a bath!”  You don’t ask them, “Do you want to go to bed now?”  You begin whatever their bedtime routine is and lead them that way.  If you have done this from the beginning, you will not have any problems.  It’s only if you are just now trying to change the habits of a two year old that things become difficult.  Make it easy on yourself by getting it right from the start.

              When I see parents who are afraid of their children, cringing when they have to say, “Not today,” I know something has gone dreadfully wrong.  When a child knows she can pitch a fit in a store and get exactly what she wants, she has not learned who is in control.

              It is not bad to think this way, no matter what some child raising guru might tell you.  This is how you teach them respect for authority.  They need to know without question that when mom and dad say they should do something, that’s exactly what they should do.  It will make school easier for them (and their teachers).  It will make their work lives easier.  It will certainly make it easier when they understand the authority of the law of the land.  Do you know how many young men have sat across the desk from my husband thinking they could still go wherever they wanted to go even if they were under house arrest?  When they wound up in prison for violating their probation, they finally understood.

              And understanding and respecting authority will ultimately save their souls.  Eli forgot that, and because he did not “restrain” his sons but sat back while they profaned the tabernacle and its worship, they lost their lives and their souls, and he lost his life and his family the priesthood.  And I declare to him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them. Therefore I swear to the house of Eli that the iniquity of Eli's house shall not be atoned for by sacrifice or offering forever.” (1Sam 3:13-14)

2.  YOUR JOB IS TO RAISE THEM TO BE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS.
And of course, as a Christian, you can add, “an obedient and faithful child of God.”

             That means you don’t do everything for them.  Can they make their own bed?  Can they sew on a button?  Can they wash their own clothes?  Can they iron a wrinkled shirt?  Can they write a check?  You would be surprised how many kids get to college and haven’t learned any of these things because Mama always did it for them.

          It means you make them work and expect that work to be done according to some set standard.  Of course you tailor the work to their ages and abilities.  You don’t put a five year old out to mow the yard, but he can certainly pick up his toys every night.

              It means you teach them common decency and manners.  They should show gratitude for gifts and service.  I remember that I was taught to say to the woman who had invited us over for dinner, “I enjoyed my meal.  Thank you very much.”  Which presupposes that you have taught them not to look at a proffered meal over which someone slaved for hours and say, “Yuk.  I don’t like that!”  We had a rule in our house.  If you said “Yuk!”—even to me—you had to eat a double portion. 

              It means you allow them to fail once in a while.  If you fix every problem they get themselves into, what have they learned?  Mama cannot fix it when the police come after him.  Far better he find out that actions have consequences when the consequences are much smaller.  Yes, it will still seem like a lot to him when he discovers that you cannot necessarily replace an expensive toy he left out in the rain, but it won’t be prison time, and he is far less likely to even face that on down the road after he learned this lesson on something less important.

              It also means you teach him that he is not the center of the universe.  He may be that to you, but don’t let him know it, not if you expect him to become a generous and considerate adult.  One way you do that is to make sure your MARRIAGE is the center of the home, not the children.  They need to see that marriage played out in front of them every day.  They even need to see the mistakes and the fact that you forgive one another and hang in there because of a thing called commitment.   When you have finished raising those children and they are out the door, if your marriage has been neglected, you will have nothing left.   I have seen it too many times.

              Expect them to learn to sacrifice for the good of the family.  Dad does not give up a good promotion because Susie doesn’t want to move and leave her friends.  If you have done your job, that shouldn’t even come up. 

              Expect them to take responsibility for their own lives, gradually at first, but eventually learning to do their homework without being reminded, and their Bible class lessons the same way.  Teach them to make smart choices.  You start by laying out two or three acceptable outfits for kindergarten and allowing them to choose which one they want to wear.  You do NOT start by letting them choose from the whole assortment.  Appropriate behavior, language, and dress are essential to courtesy.  Jesus himself used a parable in which a man inappropriately dressed for a wedding was thrown out, and Jesus approved whole-heartedly.  You are not stifling his creativity by not allowing him free rein.  From what I have seen, that excuse has less to do with enlightened parenting and more to do with lazy parenting.  You are supposed to be teaching them wisdom in their decision making.

              David made the mistake of teaching Adonijah that he could have whatever he wanted, no matter who it hurt, no matter what his father wanted, and no matter what God had said otherwise.  Now Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, “I will be king.” And he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him. His father had never at any time displeased him by asking, “Why have you done thus and so?” (1Kgs 1:5,6)

              So those are my two basic rules.  Remember who is in charge—BE in charge--and teach them to become the kind of adults you won’t be ashamed of, in fact, the kind of adults God would not be ashamed of.  If you think of those two things in every situation, I guarantee you will do more right than wrong.
 
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Heb 12:5-6)
 
Dene Ward

For their seventh and fourth birthdays, which we celebrated together, we gave our grandsons scooters.  They were small scooters, starter scooters, I called them, about like a skateboard with a handle.  But they were thrilled.  If ever we got a gift right, we seem to have that time.  Before long they were zooming around like little speed demons.

              Of course, four year old Judah was not quite up to his older brother’s antics.  He tried his best to follow him in the same places, at the same speed, and usually wound up losing it on a curve.  Finally he stopped, turned down his little lip and said, “I can’t do it good.”

              Of course he could; he was doing just fine for his age.  He just couldn’t do what his big brother could.  While there isn’t much difference between forty-four and forty-seven, there is a lot of difference between four and seven.

              And too often that’s what we do.  We judge ourselves against people who are older, wiser, and more experienced.  I see this woman handling a life threatening illness like cancer and I can’t even handle the flu without getting grumpy and complaining.  One man sees another teach an outstanding class on Zechariah and he can’t even give a decent five-minute Wednesday night talk.  And both become so depressed they stop doing what they can do.

             And if we aren’t careful, instead of gradually growing and learning how, we give up too.  Or we blame it on God for our lack of talent, or on our parents for not making us do our lessons as children, or for not taking us to church, or on the church for not using us as we “ought to be used,” regardless of what we can and cannot do.  Any of those is our handy alibi for sitting down and doing nothing.

             The day that Judah complained was a Sunday.  “Guess what?” I asked him. 

             His big blue eyes turned up to me as he said, “What?”

            “Tomorrow is Monday and Silas will be at school.  That means you can practice your scooter all day if you want to and before long, you will be as good as he is.  And by his age, maybe even better!”

            He gave me a lop-sided grin like he wasn’t sure about that.  “Really?” he asked.

            “Really!”  I said.  And he hasn’t given up.  He knows he needs to work at it, but he also knows that he will get better.  He already has.

            And that’s what we need to remember.  Plus this: God doesn’t compare us to brother or sister Whozit.  He knows what we can and cannot do.  He is the one who decides what we are capable of—not us!  And if we keep on trying, we will “do it good,” good enough to please a gracious Father.
 
So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. (1Pet 2:1-3)

Dene Ward         

I suppose it started when they were little.  Even though it was not yet mandatory, we bought our babies a car seat and put them in it every time we got in the car. 

            We actually had someone say to us, “How do you get them to sit in the car seat?” 

            We looked at each other, more than slightly appalled.  Finally Keith said, “I’m bigger than they are.”  Funny how these parents can manage to get it done now when they would get in trouble with the law if they didn’t.

            So our boys knew that they were always to be buckled in when we got in the car.   When they could finally do it themselves, they did.  It reached the point that I no longer checked on them.

            A little over twenty years ago we had a head-on collision.  It could have been much worse than it was.  Keith has a plastic eye socket to show for it, and I have a neck that gives me grief on a fairly regular basis. 

            The boys are fine, but when I turned around to check on them after the crash, I had a moment of shock.  Nathan was sitting in the middle of the back seat instead of his normal place behind his dad.  The seat belt on his side had not worked so he simply moved over to one that did.  He never said anything, never asked what to do, never thought about sitting there without a seat belt.  I never knew about it until that moment.  Because of his training, that ten-year-old had a sense of ought—“I ought to be buckled in”—and that may have saved his life, and certainly saved him injury.

            Christians should have a sense of ought born of integrity and diligence.  They do what needs to be done without being told—in fact they look for things that need to be done.  A Christian would never see a problem and say, “that’s So-and-So’s job,” and leave it undone when he is already there and could take care of it quickly and easily.

            A Christian does not have to be coerced or cajoled into doing right.  It should shame a church when the elders must beg them to save seats or parking spaces for the visitors. It should make us cringe to think we need some sort of metaphorical carrot (or stick) to do what anyone with a little thoughtful consideration would do, whether he was a Christian or not.

            A Christian does right whether anyone else does it or not.  “They don’t do it, so why should I?” would never enter his thoughts.  “He gets away with it,” would make no difference to him because he does what he should simply because he “ought” to do it.

            My little boy found another reason for doing what he ought to do—it kept him safe.  I doubt he has ever forgotten that lesson.  Our true test of spirituality is this—can we see that the “oughts” in this life will keep us safe in the next?  They all stem from a deeper perspective than self.  Maybe sitting in a certain pew won’t really send us to hell, but the attitude that our conveniences and preferences are more important than a lost soul surely might.
 
But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, and then the heavens will pass away with a roar, and the heavenly bodies will be burned up and dissolved, and the earth and the works that are done on it will be exposed. Since all these things are thus to be dissolved, what sort of people ought you to be in lives of holiness and godliness? 2 Pet 3:10,11.
 
Dene Ward