Today's post is by guest writer Keith Ward.

"Always back in" was my mantra for all aspects of being safe when I was out in the felon's world. It covered a number of other safety tricks I employed as a Community Control (House Arrest) Officer, but was also literal. We never knew when a probationer might be drunk, on drugs, or just had a fight with his girlfriend. A hasty exit might be necessary and also not being too obvious about it could be important for "the next time." An officer I had helped train knew the news reports were wrong when they said that I was shot while I was backing out.  He knew I would have backed in and thus, pulling straight out into the street.

After my excitement, I had numerous opportunities to speak on officer safety, so here are a few of the rules: I switched to an analog watch because it can be read in lower light without lighting you up and taking both hands; I had the door-operated light in my vehicle disabled so I would not be silhouetted every time I got in and out after dark; I used a clicker pen because I could operate it one handed; I kept my pepper spray available to my weak hand so if the situation escalated, my gun hand would not be tied up; I stood balanced on both feet, my right elbow in my left hand so that I looked like an attentive listener while actually my vitals were covered and my hands could move quickly for defense; and several more as well.

Actually, Christians daily go into a more dangerous world than any street I ever entered (1 Pet 5:8).  Yet, we carelessly go forth not only unarmed but apparently unaware of the dangers. A rule often repeated for being safe in the world is "be aware of your surroundings at all times. Interviews with criminals reveal they target the unaware, not the alert." This is not true of Satan. He already owns the unaware and targets the active Christian. We cannot avoid entering his world, so what safety tips can we use to avoid becoming his prey? Spiritual safety is not a one size fits all matter as the temptation that is very strong for one may not be a blip on another's radar. The following are suggestions and cannot all be used at once.

Fill your heart with hymns and songs of Zion.  Maybe it is just me, but I am much more likely to recall a spiritual song when I am in spiritual trouble than a scripture citation, no matter how glibly I can quote the passage. It is very difficult for Satan to keep pornographic fantasies in your head when you are singing—aloud or silently – "Holy, Holy, Holy." Humming "Angry Words" or even "Higher Ground" while in bad traffic and running late can prevent stress and road rage. The list can go on for as many types of temptations as man faces. God did not write 150 plus psalms without reason. The aptness of the song to the temptation is of little importance; the spiritual attitude it brings is your strength. And, have you noticed that many of the new songs are not easy to memorize and leave our armory empty?

Always back in—if you have any reason to suspect temptation in a situation you will be in, plan your exit in advance. If work took you there, your exit may cost you a sale or a promotion. But, staying most likely will cost your soul.

Know your strengths and keep them up front. Do not let your "sword arm" become entangled with matters that do not profit. Proclaim your faith often so you will be obligated to live up to it. Engage in reasoned conversations about Biblical morality. As Jesus said, "Let your light shine." Satan is the Lord of darkness and you just might save someone else too.

Don't silhouette yourself, stand in doorways, or focus on anything other than the dangers around you. You have no safe haven other than church and often Satan attacks your mind even there. The advertisements on TV, the books, the movies, the lifestyles of co-workers, the desire to blend in and avoid being a troublemaker all work against your faith, your growth, your salvation.

"If we walk in the light as he is in the light…"

Keith Ward

We live under a couple of huge live oaks, trees so big it would take half a dozen people holding stretched out hands to reach around them.  That means when I planted a flower bed on the west side of the house under one of those trees, the lee side so to speak, I had to be careful what I put there.  Anything with a “full sun” tag wouldn’t make it.  But it also means that I can grow things outside that others might need to take inside on a frosty morning.  The tree protects them with both the extra degree or two of heat it gives off and its shelter from the settling dew that crisps into frost on a winter morning.

            Isn’t that how we raise our children, on the sheltered side of life, and even on the sheltered side of the church?  That is as it should be.  Children shouldn’t need to worry about where their next meal is coming from.  They shouldn’t be concerned with the office politics their parents must put up with.  They certainly shouldn’t hear about church squabbles.  Your job as a parent is to protect them from those things. 

            But you can’t do that forever.  Sooner or later they need to learn about people, about their imperfections, maybe even the danger they pose to others.  That’s why we teach them that no one should touch them in certain places, that they should never get in the car with a stranger, or accept candy, or look for lost puppies.  It’s unfortunate, but we do it because we love our children.

            I am afraid we are not that smart about teaching our children about problems among brethren.  It isn’t just the false teaching wolves we need to teach them about, though more of that would be helpful.  We seem to have raised a generation that thinks everyone out there is harmless and means well because they speak in syrupy tones and sentimental mush-mouth.  No, the thing we must be most careful about is how they see us handling the disappointments with our brethren.  What they see us do and say can make or break their spiritual survival.

            When Keith was preaching full time, we saw people who claimed to be Christians acting in every way but that.  We saw couples at each other’s throats.  We saw family cliques.  We received physical threats.  We were tossed out on our ears more than once for his preaching the truth.  It may be that the only thing that kept us both faithful was realizing how these things might affect our children if we didn’t handle them carefully. 

            When they were old enough to understand what was happening, we never blamed the church.  We never blamed God.  We told them that sometimes people were not perfect, even good people--sometimes they just made a mistake.  I was NOT going to let what those people had done to us cost my children their souls.  They were what mattered. 

            As they grew older, we talked often about being faithful to God, not to a place or a group.  We reminded them about Judas.  What would have happened if the other apostles had let Judas’s monumental failure run them off?  What about Peter, their erstwhile leader?  If everyone had given up because of his denial there would have been nothing for him to return to upon his repentance.  The mission of the church depended upon those men staying faithful regardless.  God was counting on them.  We told them over and over, you never let what someone else does determine your faithfulness.  God expects you to do the right thing no matter what those people do.  I had to learn to control my depression and discouragement and not give my children cause to leave the Lord. 

            We planted our children on the sheltered side of the house, but then we moved them slowly one foot at a time to a place where the sun would beat down on them and the cold would leave frost on their leaves.  Finally they were as inured as possible from the effects of other people’s failures, including our own.  If they ever fall away, they know better than to blame someone else.

            Be careful what your children hear you say about your brethren.  Be careful what they see in your actions and attitudes.  Sooner or later they will need to stand the heat of the noonday sun and the bitter cold of a spiritual winter.  Don’t give them an easy excuse not to.

For there must be also factions among you, that they that are approved may be made manifest among you 

1 Corinthians 11:19

Dene Ward

I think there is a part in all of us that wants to show off for our parents.  Over the last several years, I have gotten into distance swimming as an exercise routine.  I swim across a cove and back on the island every couple of days, roughly 0.7 mile.  Nobody in my family had ever seen me swim it.  None of us had ever been big swimmers until I stumbled into it.  So, when Mom and Dad came to visit late last October, I drug them to the beach.  (It was my day for swimming.  I had gotten to the point that if I missed, I got antsy, but there was a big part of "Look at me, Mommy and Daddy!" in it.)  I swam a longer route than usual, nearly 0.9 mile, and Mom and Dad were appropriately impressed.  (No, they didn't give me a lollipop.) 

Dad asked something regarding my concern about getting into trouble while swimming.  I grinned and said, "I don't get into trouble in the water."  His response was, "That's a dangerous attitude."  I completely understand his point.  Cockiness in dangerous situations is stupid and leads people into serious injury and death routinely.   And, make no mistake, open water swimming has dangers.  The Gulf of Mexico is not a big pool, as several tourists find out to their dismay each year.  Even the intercoastal waterway, which is where I usually swim, has tidal currents, wind driven chop that can get dicey, and aquatic wildlife that can range from cute, to annoying to truly dangerous.  Dad, however, had misunderstood my statement.  

You see, people don't drown because they get out over their heads and can't swim back.  People drown because they panic, then exhaust themselves flailing about, and then begin to despair.  It is almost like giving up and allowing oneself to go under.  Almost everyone can float.  Stay calm, roll over on your back and float.  While doing so, think.  How are you going to get back?  Then implement your plan, resting occasionally as needed.  The key is to stay calm.  I routinely go out a hundred yards or so on the days in between long swims and just practice being calm in the water.  I practice several different drown-proofing techniques.  I hang out in 8-10 feet of water for 45 minutes and learn to think of that as one of my natural environments.  Which is why when, on two occasions, my left shoulder just decided it was done for the day, I didn't drown.  I shrugged (one shouldered) and sidestroked to shore.  You see?  I don't get in trouble in the water, because no matter what happens, I can stay calm and handle it.  Which kind of reminds me of Psalm 46.  

1-3  "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah"

Do you ever feel like your world is falling apart?  In either your personal life or as you look around and don't recognize the country you grew up in?  Are there days you would be ready to swear that the earth is sliding into the sea?  Stay calm, because God is your refuge and strength.

6-7  "The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; He utters his voice, the earth melts.  The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah"

I know there are times when it seems that everyone is against us.  When standing for even the concept of truth, much less God's truth, seems to outrage the world.  Stay calm and keep swimming, because the LORD of Hosts, who can melt the world with the sound of His voice, is with us.  

Just like in open water swimming, panic and despair are what kills in our spiritual life.  We start to think that we just can't handle the bullying and ridicule anymore.  We just can't keep ourselves from the ever nearer and easier to achieve temptations of the world.   We just aren't going to make it, as the waves crash over our heads.  Stay calm.  Breathe and know that you can make it, not because you are such a great swimmer, but because God is right there with you.  He is your refuge, providing rest if you will just avail yourself of it.  He is your strength, to keep you swimming.  He is with you.  Stay calm; rely on Him, keep swimming.

Ps. 46:10  “Be still, and know that I am God."

Lucas Ward

It’s one of those recipes you don’t really like to admit that you use, especially if you have a reputation for baking from scratch or cooking multi-course meals for your anniversary dinner, meals like a leek and Swiss chard tart as an appetizer, an entrée of veal shanks with sage over polenta with broccoli rabe, ending with pear croustade in a hazelnut crust.  Somehow this recipe doesn’t fit into that mold.

            But once in awhile life gets hectic, stressed, entirely too busy, and you find yourself needing a dish for a potluck with exactly one hour to cook it and no extra time for much prep.  So then I pull out this three can, two bottle, two bag recipe, dump it all in a pot and go on with my life.  I have learned not to let it bother me when this stuff gets more raves than another recipe I spent six hours on.  I have also learned not to tell anyone what’s in it until they taste it because it is truly a weird concoction, but oh, so good.

            Those Party Meatballs, as the recipe calls them, have been my salvation more than once.  Sometimes we need something easy instead of something elaborate.  If it meets the need and is just as tasty, who cares?  There will be plenty more times for elegant three layer cakes and brined, crusted. herb-infused entrees.

            God understands that, too.  When I was very young I thought you couldn’t pray except at certain times, using certain phrases, making sure it was long and full of heavy, theological words and concepts, usually from the King James Version.  Why I thought that I don’t know.  The Bible is full of examples of people praying in all sorts of situations, all sorts of postures, long prayers, short prayers, prayers of profundity and simple prayers of just a few words.  Maybe that was the problem:  I just hadn’t studied enough myself.  All I had done was listen to what others told me.

            Now I know better.  Now I know that in the middle of a crisis I can send up a quick prayer for control, for calm, for an easy resolution.  I don’t always need an opening salutation, I can just say, “Help me, Lord.”  I don’t have to preface everything with my own unworthiness.  Usually in the middle of a problem, that is already on my mind anyway and God knows it just as well as I do. 

            I don’t have to find a quiet spot alone.  I can talk to God in the middle of a milling crowd if my child has wandered off and I can’t immediately find him.  In fact, I can scream to Him if I want to.  God understands if there isn’t time to hunt up a closet right now.  In fact, He is more than pleased that I think of Him first in trying circumstances.  He is thrilled that my relationship with Him can be so spontaneous.  There will be other times for reverence.

            God makes it easy for you to talk to Him.  People who have set up word and posture requirements, with ideological notions of “propriety,” are the ones who make it difficult to approach God.  He went to a lot of trouble and pain and sacrifice to make Himself available at any time in any circumstance. 

            You may not want Party Meatballs all the time, but when the time is short and the need is urgent, they will do just fine.  We certainly need lengthy times of humility and reverence in our approach to God.  But God also made a simple way for us when we need Him quickly.  Don’t let anyone mess with His recipe.

May all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you! May those who love your salvation say evermore, "God is great!" But I am poor and needy; hasten to me, O God! You are my help and my deliverer; O LORD, do not delay! Psalms 70:4-5.

For the recipe accompanying this post click Dene's Recipes.

Dene Ward

College football has been around as an organized sport since 1869, when Rutgers played what is now Princeton University.  It took a while, though, for it to come to its fruition in what we now recognize as the various divisions of the NCAA and all of its conferences.  Even those took some time to become what we know today.  The SEC, in fact, first included Georgia Tech, Tulane, and Sewanee!

     But though organized college football may have begun in 1869, it was November 2, 1898, before the first man climbed a fence, ran onto the field and attempted to rouse the fans with a cheer.  His name was Johnny Campbell of the University of Minnesota.  Before long, others joined him, and yes, in the beginning it seems that they were all young men.  It was World War II when most of the young men were off fighting a war before young women stepped in as what were first called "yell leaders."  We now call them cheerleaders.

     It isn't just sports teams who need a cheerleader.  I suppose the first true cheerleader for the church might have been Barnabas.  Here was a wealthy man, a good man and full of faith, who not only sold a piece of property and gave the money for the aid of needy Christians (translate that to property prices today for an eye opener), but who was so encouraging to others that the apostles nicknamed him, "son of encouragement/exhortation/consolation" whichever your translation chooses.  He was a man of patience who gently prodded others to become what he knew they could be—John Mark, for example.  He was a man of trust and courage as he introduced the former persecutor Paul to the church in Jerusalem and then went with him to work with the church at Antioch where they received and taught Gentiles.  Truly if there was ever a cheerleader in the church it was Barnabas.

     We all need a cheerleader sometimes.  I remember clearly the many times friends have gone with me when I was asked to speak, especially in the early days.  Their friendly faces in the audience spurred me on when the topic became touchy, though necessary.  Students in Bible classes can do the same for teachers.  Elders need people who encourage the members to follow them, speaking of their wise decisions and the good that can come from their plans, instead of goading them into rebellion.  Evangelists need the same.  For some reason, we seem far more prone to DIScouraging than ENcouraging, and that simply ought not to be.   Imagine a cheerleader screaming, "Lose team!  Lose, lose, lose!"

     But we beseech you, brethren, to know them that labor among you, and are over you in the Lord, and admonish you; and to esteem them exceeding highly in love for their work's sake… 1Thess5:12,13.

     But let him that is taught in the word communicate unto him that teaches in all good things Gal6:6.

   God designed the church as a fellowship that helped each other.  That is why we cannot be a servant of God without being a part of the people of God.  We hold each other up and yes, we cheer each other on, especially when trials abound.    Blessed [is] God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and God of all comfort, who is comforting us in all our tribulation, for our being able to comfort those in any tribulation through the comfort with which we are comforted ourselves by God; because, as the sufferings of the Christ abound to us, so through the Christ our comfort also abounds; and whether we be in tribulation, [it is] for your comfort and salvation, that is worked in the enduring of the same sufferings that we also suffer; whether we are comforted, [it is] for your comfort and salvation; and our hope [is] steadfast for you, knowing that even as you are partakers of the sufferings—so also of the comfort 2Cor1:3-7.

     You may think you have nothing to offer the "team," but when you do so, you are arguing with the plan of God.  When you feel helpless at the plight of others and don't know what to do, you can always cheer.

And the hand of the Lord was with them: and a great number that believed turned unto the Lord. And the report concerning them came to the ears of the church which was in Jerusalem: and they sent forth Barnabas as far as Antioch: who, when he was come, and had seen the grace of God, was glad; and he exhorted them all, that with purpose of heart they would cleave unto the Lord: for he was a good man, and full of the Holy Spirit and of faith: and much people was added unto the Lord. And he went forth to Tarsus to seek for Saul; and when he had found him, he brought him unto Antioch. And it came to pass, that even for a whole year they were gathered together with the church, and taught much people, and that the disciples were called Christians first in Antioch Acts11: 21-26.

Dene Ward

Part 4 in a four part series.

            When caring for someone who is seriously ill, the caregiver often fails to care for herself.  I remember vividly the day my husband had some sort of attack that doctors were calling a stroke.  Meanwhile, I had a seriously abscessed tooth and an appointment for a root canal while he lay in the hospital.  I thought about canceling the appointment regardless the pain I was in, but his doctor looked at me and said, "Go take care of yourself so you can take care of him."  And that, indeed, is the bottom line.

            First I will give you the tips my friends have shared with me, and then we will talk about something else that many good Christian women wrestle with.

            1.  Schedule some time for yourself every day.  It may be devotional time with Bible study and prayer.  It may be exercise.  It may be journaling your feelings as you go through this process.  Whatever it is, make the time to do it.

            2.  Focus on the positives each day.  Don't dwell on the difficulties you encounter, or what life used to be like, or what retirement was supposed to be like.  Cherish each day and focus on creating sweet, new memories with your spouse.  Include your children and grandchildren whenever possible.

            3.  Plan an enjoyable outdoor activity for each day—a walk, a drive, sitting on the porch or in the yard, visiting a friend.  There is something emotionally healing about fresh air.

            4.  Take life slow and easy.  Do nothing in a rush.  Model the behavior that you have requested of the patient, and stay calm.

            5.  Take care of yourself physically—eating balanced meals on a schedule, drinking enough liquid every day, etc.  The last thing you need is to have your own health go downhill in a rush because you "don't feel like eating," or "don't have the time to eat," etc.

            6.  Above all, do not hesitate to ask for help from family, friends, and neighbors.  As members of the Lord's body, people should not just be mouthing, "Let me know if there is anything I can do," but actively looking for things to do for you.  If home and car maintenance are not your bailiwick, ask for help.  We are meant to serve one another and in this way you will not only aid the women in serving you, but the men too.  Trying to do it all will simply undo many of the things we have talked about as you become overtired and completely frustrated.  Making a martyr out of yourself is not the answer to anyone's problems, least of all the patient's.  ASK FOR HELP and don't be ashamed to do so.

            And now to that other issue.  Many women have problems taking on the role of caregiver, not because they do not wish to care for their very ill husbands, but because it requires them to, in their minds, usurp his authority as head of the house.  It is difficult for a woman who has been taught to be in subjection, honoring her husband as the leader of the home, to take over responsibilities and decision-making, especially when his weakened ability to think logically may have him trying to refuse the medical care he needs.  The doctor will look to the wife to decide upon the appropriate care and medication, and ultimately, when it might be time to seek care outside the home.  Let me see if I can help those women a little bit.

            I imagine everyone knows Bathsheba, but only in that sad instance of 2 Sam 11 and David's adultery and murder.  What we don't realize is that she seems to have become his favorite wife, bearing him at least four sons.  When David finally lay on his deathbed and his son Adonijah took over the throne against the plans of God and his father David, Nathan went to Bathsheba to tell her about it.  He obviously expected her to step in for her fatally ill husband.  With only a little persuasion she went to David and told him what was happening.  Nathan came in at the appropriate time and vouched for what she had told him.  That took care of the matter, then and there.  But what if Bathsheba had refused?  Let's face it, she had the most to gain because it was her son Solomon whom God wanted on the throne.  It probably looked self-serving of her at the least.  But David was so ill, he didn't even know what was going on; he certainly couldn't do anything about it himself.  Bathsheba looked to her husband's interests when he was no longer physically able.  (1 Kings 1)

            And then we have a very different example.  Abigail's extremely rich husband, Nabal, was "churlish and evil."  When David's men came to ask for some food—during a festival time when there was more than enough and after David's men had protected his workers and herds—he sent them away empty-handed with harsh, insulting words.  David was so angry he was ready to kill Nabal and everyone in his household.  Abigail went behind her husband's back and did what he refused to do, taking a generous amount of food to David and his army and their families, and giving him some wise and godly advice.  (1 Sam 25)

            Wait a minute!  How is that a good example?  This is how:  the man was drunk as a skunk.  He had no idea the danger he had put himself and his family and servants in.  Abigail may not have done what he wanted but she saved his life when he was too incapacitated to see the danger. 

            When your husband is no longer able to make decisions about the important things in your lives, he expects you to take over and do what is best for him.  She does him good and not evil all the days of his life, the Proverb writer says of the worthy wife (31:12).  My husband has told me certain things he wants me to do should he become unable to do or think on his own.  He expects me to carry out his wishes.  How is that usurping his authority?

Talk to your husband now and find out what he wants.  Then when—if—the time comes, be a faithful wife, even if it means doing what his damaged mind no longer wants to be done.  You are not being a bad wife.  You are not being un-submissive.  You are, in fact, being the wife you ought to be, and there is no shame in that at all.

            I hope you have found these articles helpful.  My mother's ordeal is over.  Both she and Daddy have gone on to their rewards.  But my friend's trial continues, as it does for so many.  Today, join with me in a special prayer for those men and women as they fight fear, frustration, and grief to care for their loved ones in the best way they can.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  (Isa 41:10).

Dene Ward

Part 3 of a four part series.

            As I have mentioned, and will keep on stressing, I am not a medical professional and will not attempt to give you any medical advice.  What I am sharing now has come straight from the caregivers, what worked for them and what did not.  You can look on the internet in several places and find other things to add here.  The things in this article come from their personal and practical experience.  I believe they might also be beneficial for visitors, or for those who offer care time while the caregiver is away running necessary errands.  These were shared by those who have been there and who want to help others with their hard-won wisdom and knowledge.

            1.  You must enter the Alzheimer's patient's world; do not expect him to understand or interact in your world any longer.  A basic tenet of education is "Start where the student is at."  The same is true of the Alzheimer's patient.  Don't try to make him do what he can no longer do.  If he wants to converse, then talk about the things he wants to talk about, but if he is no longer conversational, then you must do the talking and watch his reactions for signs of interest or lack thereof.  If he closes his eyes or turns his back, try another subject.

            2.  Address him by name ("Hello, Bob").  He may not reply but at least he knows he is not being ignored. 

            3.  Ask simple yes or no questions and give him choices whenever possible, but no more than two.  "Do you want ______ or ______ for supper?"  "Do you want to watch ________ or _________ on TV?"  Always be willing and able to live with whatever he chooses.

            4.  Don't say, "Do you remember__________?"  Instead, say, "I remember when we ______________," and allow him to say something, to nod or smile.

            5.  Find something to keep his hands busy.  Puzzles might be a good choice, but be aware that while you may have started with 1000 piece puzzles, you will gradually need to move to 500, 300, and even 100 piece puzzles as the illness progresses.  Pay attention to what is happening and his frustration level to know when to switch. 

            6.  On the occasion when something must be done (going to the doctor, getting dressed, taking a bath, taking medication), do not say, "Do you want to __________?"  Just say, "It's time to _________."  This avoids the problem of him answering your question with a "No," especially if it is something that simply must be done at a certain time.

            7.  Patiently answer the same question as many times as it takes, even if it is asked in rapid succession many times.  Use the same verbiage.  Control your frustration and answer it as if it is the first time he has asked.

            8.  Give simple three or four word instructions, helping him accomplish a task one step at a time.  Do not overburden him with too much information at once.  For instance, when he is dressing himself, you might need to tell which article of clothing to put on, one after the other and how to do it.  Another friend of mine had left her mother dressing herself for church and when she returned, found her with her slip on top of her dress.  Do not assume that the patient knows how to do anything the correct way anymore, but stand by and watch, ready to give one piece of information at a time, but only as needed.  For as long as possible, let them have their small victories.

            9.  Remember that you are the patient's anchor, especially when he begins following you around and seems nervous and clingy.  Be there for him and reassure him that you will not leave him.

            10.  And above all, remember that the patient is still a human being with feelings just like you.  They may not be able to verbalize and are limited in their abilities, but they will always remember who makes them feel good.

            The caregivers I have spoken to hope these things will help you as you travel a long, hard, and often lonely road.

And we urge you, brothers…encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.  (1Thess 5:14).

Dene Ward

Number 2 in the series.

Originally, this was the only article I planned to write.  Watching my mother and hearing from my friend made me intensely aware of things I had never known before—things they had to deal with that I would have never imagined.  In a way, this might be the most important of the three articles, though I guarantee you that those two women would have thought otherwise in their attitudes of humility and service. 

            I am listing these things in no particular order, but as they have come to me, from my observation, research, and discussions with and suggestions from those involved.  I imagine the order of importance is different for each case.  It will be up to you to look for these things yourself and decide what is needed for the people you are trying to help.

            1.  Do not ask the caregiver how the spouse is doing when that spouse is standing right there, or on the phone when you know the spouse can overhear that side of the conversation.  You never know how much he will understand and how it might make him feel.

            2.  Don't give medical advice.  Any physician would never think of impinging upon another physician's role.  How much less should someone with no medical training, or much less?  This got so often and so bad for my mother, that she finally had to say something like, "I believe I will do what the doctor says."  That might have sounded a bit rude, but she had been pressured so often that she felt harassed and judged.  Please don't put a godly and already stressed out person in that situation.

            3.  Don't say, "I know how you feel."  Knowing someone who has Alzheimer's or dementia and dealing with it 24/7 as the primary caregiver are two entirely different things with two entirely different stress levels.  Even helping on a minimal basis, like an overnight stay or afternoon substitute, is far from the same thing.  If you have not done it, you don't know.  Period.

            4.  Don't say, "You make everything look so easy."  You don't see the struggles, the extra length of time, the often frustrating explanations it took to get a spouse up and ready to go to the doctor or to worship services or any other place.  That statement minimizes the caregiver's efforts and her sometimes almost super-human patience.

            5.  If you live in the same neighborhood as a caregiver, please keep an eye out.  For example, my mother went to take a shower one evening and when she got out, two strange men were sitting in her living room.  Turned out they were vacuum cleaner salesmen rather than criminals up to no good whom my daddy had let in with no idea what was up except to be friendly, especially since they often received church visitors in the evenings.  How much better if a neighbor had told those men, "Please don't bother my next door neighbors.  The husband is very ill and the wife is caring for him and doesn't need the interruption.  They wouldn't be interested right now anyway."

            Also be aware that Alzheimer's patients tend to wander.  If you see your ill neighbor out walking the street, go out immediately and talk him into going back home.  Listen to him if he tells you where he is going or who he is looking for, and say whatever is necessary to get him to go with you.  My mother put an alarm on her door after the vacuum cleaner salesmen episode, but my daddy was a tinkerer who could figure out how anything worked, and one night as she was again taking a shower, he figured out that alarm and took off looking for "his wife."  She ended up having to call the police to get him back home.

            6.  Send cards or small gifts, and, if possible, deliver them in person.  Even the least expensive, tiniest things will brighten a caregiver's day.  Due to things like #5 above, a caregiver often has no chance for her own doctor appointments or errands like buying groceries or getting a haircut or car maintenance.  If the situation is manageable, consider offering to spend some time with the patient while the caregiver gets a few things done.  That is often preferable to you doing it for her because it gets her out of the house and in a calmer situation for an hour or so.  Talk to the caregiver about what is best in her situation.  This will change from day to day and as the disease progresses.

            7.  This may be one of the most important:  Do not judge the caregiver's choices.  No one should be telling her that she is not being a good wife if she has decided that she can no longer take care of her spouse at home and must use a Memory Care Facility.  You may not realize that the disease has reached a point where she is now in danger.  If that seriously ill mate no longer knows her and thinks a stranger has invaded his home, what might he do to her?  I know that doctors will begin asking questions about weapons in the house.  One caregiver I knew had to pack up all of her cooking knives.  Another had to give all the guns in the house to another family member.  But those are not the only weapons available when someone is frightened enough to think he needs one.

            At some point, the caregiver's own health will begin to suffer.  Most men are bigger than their wives.  How will she pick him up if he falls?  Many of these patients suffer REM disorder and sleep fitfully with dreams they try to act out.  The caregiver will often go several days without any real sleep, and this will go on for years.  Eventually reaching the point where she decides he would be best cared for 24/7 in a facility is most emphatically NOT a sign that she is a disloyal or unloving wife who has broken her vows "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse."  It is no one's decision but hers, and none of us has any right to question it.

            If you have a friend or family member in the same situation, I hope these few things that have come straight from other caregivers will help you out.  And as I mentioned in our introductory article, please feel free to share any others below.

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Gal 6:2).

Dene Ward

Number 1 in a four part series.

Today begins a four part series on the difficulties of Alzheimer's and how to help those dealing with it, both patient and caregiver alike.  I believe these might also be helpful for those dealing with dementia patients as well. 

Please notice:  I will not be approaching these as a professional on any level, but simply as someone who has seen it up close and who also has friends dealing with it.  I will not be giving medical advice beyond what the doctors have told me and my family and friends.  This is strictly practical information from those who have dealt with it firsthand, information that I hope will be a true service in helping and encouraging others. I also hope it will help us all to avoid saying and doing something hurtful, even with the best intentions.

            My father developed dementia gradually over the last twelve years of his life.  It was hard to watch a highly intelligent and competent man become as dependent as a child, and especially to see him forget who his wife of sixty-four years was, even as she patiently waited on him day after day.  I have a close friend whose husband is now traveling down the road of Alzheimer's.  I see the disease taking more of him every time I read one of her letters, and watch as she bravely faces the unknown every day.  These two, and others I have known, are my inspirations, and the primary source of the things I will write in this series.

            Please, if you are facing, or have faced, similar challenges yourself and have more to add, feel free to comment on the bottom of every article so that others can learn from you as well. It is better to put it on the article than on the Facebook link because it will eventually reach more people, especially as others discover it in the future from an internet search. As many problems as it might cause, one real benefit of the internet is reaching more people.  Please help me do that. 

Too many times I have stood frozen in my tracks, not knowing what to do and totally unable to think as something happened to someone close to my heart or simply standing nearby, and then wished for days afterward I had known how to act and what to do, mentally flailing myself for being so clueless.  Let's see if we can help one another avoid that. 

            This is merely an introductory article.  The remaining three articles will run the next three days.

We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves.  (Rom 15:1).

Dene Ward

Psalms 74 and 79, along with the books of Lamentations and Habakkuk, which are also national psalms of lament over the destruction of Jerusalem, will make you cringe in their horrific detail of destruction.  Women and young girls raped, leaders hung up for all to see, the Temple in ruins, dead bodies lying everywhere, far too many for the few left alive to bury. 

              Psalm 74 lists sacrilege after sacrilege:  God’s enemies standing in the meeting place; the intricate and artistic carvings of the Temple chopped to pieces by heathen axes, the sanctuary on fire, the dwelling place of God razed to the ground.  Psalm 79 uses opposites to the same effect:  the holy defiled; Jerusalem in rubble; God’s servants as carrion; and blood flowing like water in the streets.  Imagine seeing all this one horrible morning and then speaking to God in these words:  Help us, O God of our salvation, 79:9.

              God of our salvation?  How could the psalmist possibly use that description?  Where in all this nightmare does he see salvation?

              The poet understood this basic truth:  even in this dreadful event, God is still seeking the salvation of His people.  He could still see a Father’s love behind the most severe discipline.

              Again in Psalm 74, the psalmist says, Yet God is my King of Old, working salvation in the midst of the earth.  Not just in the midst of the earth, but in the middle of all this horror, he can still see the true nature of God.

              Habakkuk in his lament ends with the same thoughts:  For though the fig-tree shall not flourish, Neither shall fruit be in the vines; The labor of the olive shall fail, And the fields shall yield no food; The flock shall be cut off from the fold, And there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in Jehovah, I will joy in the God of my salvation. Hab 3:17-18.

              What do we see when evil befalls us?  If all we feel is the pain, if all we see is the sorrow, Satan already has a foothold.  We must learn to use what happens in our lives as a steppingstone to Heaven, a lift to a higher plane of spirituality. 

              Surely it isn’t always punishment from God as it was for those people, but then it becomes even more important to see events in the correct way.  We are in a world that is temporary, that is tainted with sin.  Of course we will have problems.  Are we so naïve as to think that something Satan has poisoned will ever be good?  Jeremiah tells us in his lament, that if it weren’t for God there wouldn’t be anything good left in this world at all, Lam 3:22, and we have no right to expect it to be any different. 

              If I cannot see the salvation of God even in the midst of trials as Jeremiah did, I am blind to who He is.  He is there, helping us prepare for a world where those things will be no more.  If I rail against Him when the trials come, I do not know Him.  Illness and death are the tools of Satan to lure us away, but with faith and the proper perspective--seeing the God of our salvation instead of the God of our pain--we can use Satan’s own tools against him as a road to triumph. 

              It is better to depart and be with the Lord, Paul said, Phil 1:23.  To die is gain for a Christian, v 21.  “O death where is thy victory, O death where is thy sting?  The sting of death is sin and the power of sin is the Law, but thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” 1 Cor 15:55-57)  If I see death as the victor, I am giving myself away—showing that my perspective is indeed unspiritual, immature, and faithless.  

              Is it easy to have this perspective, especially in the middle of a traumatic life event?  No, because we are still in this flesh.  But while in this flesh the Lord Himself conquered all these things and expects us to follow His example, as difficult as it may be.  And He gives us the means to do it. 

              He is and always will be the God of our salvation.
 
But as for me, I will look unto Jehovah; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me, Mic 7:7.
 
Dene Ward