These days I do a field vision test at least twice a year.  What was ordinarily once a year due to the fact that it seldom changed any at all, needs to be checked more often because the changes are coming more rapidly.  The blind spots are worsening.  This last test came with actual numbers and they are downright scary.  After pondering these changes and what they could mean before much longer, my thoughts finally ran where they usually do—to spiritual matters.  Spiritual blind spots, in this case, and a little research showed me that God's Word has a lot to say about the matter.
            In the first case, unlike my physical blind spots, spiritual blind spots are almost always the fault of the one who has them.  After healing the blind man in John 9, Jesus naturally turned that around, contrasting a blind man whom he was able to heal, with men who could not be healed of their spiritual blindness.  Jesus said, For judgment I came into this world, that those who do not see may see, and those who see may become blind. Some of the Pharisees near him heard these things, and said to him, “Are we also blind?” Jesus said to them, If you were blind, you would have no guilt; but now that you say, ‘We see,’ your guilt remains (John 9:39-41).  They were not disposed to see the truth because of their pride and self-righteousness.  Similarly, we cannot see the truth when we won't acknowledge our faults and arrogantly proclaim ourselves blameless. We do this by saying, "I have sinned, we all sin," but never confessing any specific sin, becoming, instead, miffed that anyone might think we have any.  It's a blind spot for us.
            In another place, Jesus says of the Pharisees after his disciples warned him that he had offended them, Let them alone; they are blind guides. And if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit (Matt 15:14).  When Jesus came debunking their traditions, the same traditions by which they held power over the common people, they were murderously angry.  The possibility of losing their power, authority, and status blinded them to the truth he taught.  What is it we are afraid of losing?  If we are not careful, it may blind us to the saving power of the Lord's teaching, and where would that blind spot leave us?
            Peter warns us of another blind spot.  For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins (2Pet 1:9).  And what qualities is he referring to?  Faith, virtue, knowledge, self-control, steadfastness, godliness, brotherly affection, and love, those things we commonly call "the Christian graces."  Yet I have heard people downplay these items, joking about having one or two and hoping that's good enough, or simply making a statement like, "No one's perfect, so don't expect all of this out of me."  If that is how we feel about self-control or brotherly affection—perhaps the two most often pooh-poohed—then we do indeed have a blind spot about what it really means to be a Christian.  Perhaps the warning in Isaiah is pertinent here:  And he said, Go, and say to this people: ‘Keep on hearing, but do not understand; keep on seeing, but do not perceive.’ ​Make the heart of this people dull, and their ears heavy, and blind their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their hearts, and turn and be healed (Isa 6:9-10).  Scary thought, indeed.
            And John shows us another blind spot to beware of.  But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes (1John 2:11).This one shows in all sorts of ways.  Just why do we have "issues" with a brother?  Because we disagree on a passage?  Because he "hurt my feelings"?  (Is there anything that sounds more childish?)  Because I don't like his personality?  Because he is another race?  Because he is from the wrong family?  Any sort of bias is a blind spot in our thinking, and John says that equates to walking in darkness, and Jesus also said, The one who walks in darkness does not know where he is going, John 12:35.
           John also warned the Laodiceans that self-satisfaction and complacency could blind them to their true condition before God.  ​For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked (Rev 3:17).
            Did you realize that so much was said about spiritual blindness?  Actually, this is not all of it, but enough, I hope, to get us all thinking.  My physical blind spots will probably have only one outcome.  But our spiritual blind spots can be cured as quickly and easily as Jesus healed the blind man of his day.   Let's work together for that glorious end.
 
In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ (2Cor 4:4-6).
 
Dene Ward

But solid food is for full-grown men, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern good and evil, Heb 5:14.
 
            I was amazed to find out that “full-grown” is more often translated “perfect,” at least in the ASV.  That is ironic to me, because while I will quickly say, “I am not perfect,” I would find myself a little miffed if I were called “spiritually immature.”  At my age?  Surely I am a mature Christian by now.
            So I looked up that Greek word and the places it is translated “perfect.”  It quickly became apparent that the word does not mean “sinless.”  While we understand that the meaning of a word varies according to its context in English, we seem to forget that when it comes to reading the Bible and talking about those Hebrew and Greek words.  Yet, in any language, the meaning of a word is limited by its use.  And so I read “mature” in every passage I found that word translated “perfect,” and found out how to recognize a mature Christian. [When you read all these passages, be sure to read “spiritually mature” every time you see “perfect.”]
            The maturity level of a Christian is shown by how he treats his enemies (Matt 5:43-48), by how he controls his tongue (James 3:2), by how attached he is to his earthly possessions (Matt 19:21).  A mature Christian is not easily deceived, not changeable from day to day, and speaks from a motivation of love, even when correcting someone, not from a desire for revenge, or from a feeling of arrogance, and certainly not to cause controversy for the sake of controversy (Eph 4:13-15).  A mature Christian will endure, (James 1:4), and in fact, stand fully assured of his salvation (Col 4:12).  When I look at those characteristics I can see that I have a way to go before I finally grow up, but at least I have some detailed areas to work on now instead of blindly aiming for some sort of vague idea of maturity or perfection.
            One time, a few years ago, one of the residents at the medical school recently told me that I did not look as old as my chart said I was.  That was a nice moment in the day, one totally unexpected (and probably not true any more).  Wouldn’t if be awful though, if he had said that I didn’t act as old as I was?  That is where the test comes—not in how long I have been a Christian, but in how much I have grown as one.
 
So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us.  God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love [made mature] with us, that we may have confidence in the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world, 1 John 4:16,17.
           
Dene Ward

I saw a new tech at the eye clinic the last time I was there.  Most of the others know me by sight and name, but this one couldn’t pronounce my name, so I knew she had not been there long, and certainly I had never been prepped by her before. 
            She nearly dropped my chart and said, “Wow!  This is a huge one.  Have you been coming here all your life?”  No, just eighteen years now.  If I had been going there my whole life, the chart would have been in volumes instead of just four inches thick.
            You see, everything to do with my eyes is in that chart—every test, every procedure, every surgery, every referral, every appointment of which there have been as many as three dozen in one year.  The doctor regularly writes two or three pages of notes at every visit. 
            That always makes me think of that other book being written that does cover my lifetime.  I know there are pages in it I would love to remove.  If I want them removed, imagine how a holy and righteous God feels about them.  Doesn’t that make it even more amazing when we realize that He has taken out so many?    I have blotted out, as a thick cloud, your transgressions, and, as a cloud, your sins: return unto me; for I have redeemed you, Isa 44:22.   I hope when He finished blotting out the bad, it wasn’t totally empty, that there was at least a page or two of good left.
            We sometimes seem to have that mistaken belief, that God has all the good stuff written on one side and all the bad written on the other, and that as long as there is more good than bad, we’re safe.  Wrong.  If He has any bad pages left, that means we haven’t repented of those evil things.  Sin is so bad that it only takes one unforgiven sin to cost us our souls.  When I say to the righteous, that he shall surely live; if he trust to his righteousness, and commit iniquity, none of his righteous deeds shall be remembered; but in his iniquity that he has committed, therein shall he die, Ezek 33:13.  We simply don’t understand the enormity of sin when we treat any of them as small and inconsequential. 
            The next time you visit the doctor, take a look at that chart.  How large is it?  Imagine one a hundred times bigger, and then remember that probably a million or so pages have been removed due to the grace of God, and rejoice.
 
And I saw a great white throne, and him that sat upon it, from whose face the earth and the heaven fled away; and there was found no place for them. And I saw the dead, the great and the small, standing before the throne; and books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of the things which were written in the books, according to their works…And if any was not found written in the book of life, he was cast into the lake of fire, Rev 20:11,12,15.
 
Dene Ward

Note:  I wrote this over ten years ago.  It has nothing to do with Covid.

It was just a cold.  The first day I lost my voice and sneezed a lot.  The second day I started coughing, a deep cough that felt like it scraped the bottom of my lungs.  The third day I started wheezing and my temperature rose over 100.  The fourth day the headache started.  The fifth day my shoulders, neck, and back began aching and I could not get comfortable no matter how or where I lay or sat.  The sixth day it climbed into my head.  I could no longer breathe, smell, or taste.  The seventh day I lost my hearing and my ears began to ache.  Meanwhile, all the other symptoms continued.  The eighth day my temperature fell a degree below normal, but I felt a little better—very little.  Eventually it did go away, but the cough lingered for weeks.  Why in the world do we always say, “It was just a cold?”
            Maybe it’s habit. 
            “I was just ten minutes late.”
            “I was just ten miles over the speed limit.”
            “It was just a song service.”
            “It was just a little fib.”
            “I was just so tired and frustrated.”
            “It was just this once.”
            Always excusing ourselves with that little word, making every bad judgment call or “little” sin unimportant—where does it stop?  How big do they have to be before we stop using that word?
            What could God have said about us?  David knew full well when he said in the 8th Psalm, What is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?  Indeed, God could have said, “They’re just people.  Why bother?” and we would have had no answer for that, especially the way we so often use that word to rationalize less than stellar behavior.
            Yet Jehovah, the Word, and the Spirit got together before they made anything else, and came up with a plan so that they could keep fellowship with men, no matter how sinful they had become.  That plan involved sacrifice on their parts, but it made men once again presentable to them.  For some reason, they thought we were worth it.
            Think about that the next time you try to excuse yourself with that word “just.” 
 
I give you thanks, O LORD, with my whole heart; before the gods I sing your praise.  I bow down toward your holy temple and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness, for you have exalted above all things your name and your word. On the day I called, you answered me; my strength of soul you increased. All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks,  O LORD, for they have heard the words of your mouth, and they shall sing of the ways of the LORD, for great is the glory of the LORD. For though the LORD is high, he regards the lowly, but the haughty he knows from afar. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.  Psa 138.
 
Dene Ward

Just the other day I was asked how our congregation managed this past, crazy year.  Stupid me, I was just getting ready to say that I feared that trial of a year had hurt the faith of the weak, that several families had moved to other, closer, congregations who had not stopped meeting, and that we no longer had visitors from the community as often as before.  Before I could get any of that out, he added, "Have many gotten the virus?  How many have you lost to it?"  Ah.  So that's what he meant.  Why was I so surprised?
            I suppose my biggest disappointment during all of this is the small concern others have shown over the harm caused the spread of the gospel.  We don't dare invite people to services or even into our homes for a study.  If a few do come we greet them with thermometers instead of open arms.  We aren't allowed in the hospitals and nursing homes to visit and hold services.  My husband's own prison ministry was called to a halt by the state for several months and now that he is allowed back in he is limited to one third the number he had attending before, no matter the size of the room, or the number who desire to come, and even with masks on.  Plus the inmates now have to do paperwork to request a pass to attend, something they never had to do before, and sometimes that paperwork gets lost or delayed and interested people cannot be there.  When I mention these things, does anyone express any grief over the souls that are being lost?  No.  We're too busy counting virus cases, most of which people recover from.
            I wonder what Paul might think if he were alive today.  What keeps coming to me is his exuberant joy when he heard that the gospel was being preached, even while he was in prison, even while he was in chains, even while people were attempting to cause him even more trouble while doing it.  What does he say about that?  "I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ. And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear. Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice. Yes, and I will rejoice, " (Phil 1:12-18).
             This is not to make light of the virus.  I am truly sorry that some people have died.  I know personally some who are grieving and I have ached for them, prayed for them, and done the little I was still allowed to do for them.  But for the life of me, I cannot understand why we as the people of God are not openly grieving over the harm done to the cause of Christ, why someone isn't standing up and saying, "This is hurting the spread of the gospel," and weeping aloud about it; "This is killing the ones who were already weak," and bewailing it.
            Greeting one another with a holy kiss" (Rom 16:16; 1 Cor 16:20; 2 Cor 13:12; 1 Thes 5:26)—or holy hug, or holy embrace, or holy handshake, or holy however your culture greets—cannot be done over a computer monitor or a smart phone.  We cannot "show hospitality one to another" (1 Pet 4:9) when we are sequestered in our homes.  What does our reward depend upon?  In part, it comes because we have not neglected the Lord Himself by neglecting to visit the "fatherless and widows" (James 1:27) and those who were "sick and in prison" (Matt 25:36).   Except we have been prevented from doing exactly that.  But it seems not to matter at all because we certainly haven't caught the virus, have we?  Rejoice!
           We two are being careful, yes.  We are in that "high risk" group.  We have managed to stay well, despite taking a few chances here and there, like Keith continuing to go to the prison whenever they allow it, and both of us holding the Bible studies in our home and the willing homes of others that were in place before the world fell apart.  And it hasn't kept us from mourning as we see the damage being done to precious souls.  If the church had a flag, it ought to be at half-mast.  Their bodies may be hale and hearty, but the spiritually weak are dying in droves every day as long as this continues, and at a far higher percentage than the physically ill.  But do we care?  Nope.  Not as long as they don't catch the virus. 
           Well, they did catch the virus, the truly deadly one, the one that is always fatal unless the Great Physician heals us of it.  But, God forgive us, no one seems to be mourning over that.
 
I am speaking the truth in Christ—I am not lying; my conscience bears me witness in the Holy Spirit— that I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh. Brothers, my heart's desire and prayer to God for them is that they may be saved.  (Rom 9:1-3; 10:1).
For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ (Phil 3:18).
 
Dene Ward

I wish I had a dollar for every hour I have sat in waiting rooms in the past five years, especially at the eye clinic.  I had a 3:30 appointment once, and finally saw the doctor at 7 pm.  Then there was the time we discovered that I needed an emergency procedure.  My appointment had been at 11:00.  I was finally pronounced fit to leave at 5:30. 
            The shortest amount of time I have ever spent at the clinic is two hours.  Sometimes the doctor is overbooked because he has critical patients who simply must be seen that day; I have been one of those patients.  Sometimes he runs late because an emergency arrives that must be worked in; I have been one of those emergencies.  I can hardly complain when someone does it to me.
            Yet, even the night I had to wait until 7:00, I never doubted that I would be seen.  I have never worried that someone would forget I was there and the doctor would leave.
            It makes no sense to doubt God either.  Sometimes we must wait a long time for the answer to a prayer, but it will come.  Sometimes we must endure a trial far longer than we ever expected, but He has not forsaken us.  How long did those faithful Jews wait for their Messiah?  I have never waited that long for God, have you?
            The world thinks that because the promised second coming has not happened in 2000 years it won’t happen at all.  They think that proves God doesn’t even exist, completely ignoring the evidence of His existence all around them.  That makes about as much sense as me deciding my doctor doesn’t exist because I have been sitting here waiting for three hours now, and my fellow patient in the next seat has waited four.
            My doctor is worth the wait.
            If ever anyone was worth a longer wait, it’s God.
 
Knowing this first, that in the last days mockers shall come with mockery, walking after their own lusts, and saying, Where is the promise of his coming? For, from the day that the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation. For this they willfully forget, that there were heavens from of old, and an earth compacted out of water and amidst water, by the word of God; by which means the world that then was, being overflowed with water, perished: but the heavens that now are, and the earth, by the same word have been stored up for fire, being reserved against the day of judgment and destruction of ungodly men. But forget not this one thing, beloved, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.  The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some count slackness; but is longsuffering to you-ward, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance, 2 Pet 3:3-9.
 
Dene Ward

Part 4 in a four part series.
 
            When caring for someone who is seriously ill, the caregiver often fails to care for herself.  I remember vividly the day my husband had some sort of attack that doctors were calling a stroke.  Meanwhile, I had a seriously abscessed tooth and an appointment for a root canal while he lay in the hospital.  I thought about canceling the appointment regardless the pain I was in, but his doctor looked at me and said, "Go take care of yourself so you can take care of him."  And that, indeed, is the bottom line.
            First I will give you the tips my friends have shared with me, and then we will talk about something else that many good Christian women wrestle with.
            1.  Schedule some time for yourself every day.  It may be devotional time with Bible study and prayer.  It may be exercise.  It may be journaling your feelings as you go through this process.  Whatever it is, make the time to do it.
            2.  Focus on the positives each day.  Don't dwell on the difficulties you encounter, or what life used to be like, or what retirement was supposed to be like.  Cherish each day and focus on creating sweet, new memories with your spouse.  Include your children and grandchildren whenever possible.
            3.  Plan an enjoyable outdoor activity for each day—a walk, a drive, sitting on the porch or in the yard, visiting a friend.  There is something emotionally healing about fresh air.
            4.  Take life slow and easy.  Do nothing in a rush.  Model the behavior that you have requested of the patient, and stay calm.
            5.  Take care of yourself physically—eating balanced meals on a schedule, drinking enough liquid every day, etc.  The last thing you need is to have your own health go downhill in a rush because you "don't feel like eating," or "don't have the time to eat," etc.
            6.  Above all, do not hesitate to ask for help from family, friends, and neighbors.  As members of the Lord's body, people should not just be mouthing, "Let me know if there is anything I can do," but actively looking for things to do for you.  If home and car maintenance are not your bailiwick, ask for help.  We are meant to serve one another and in this way you will not only aid the women in serving you, but the men too.  Trying to do it all will simply undo many of the things we have talked about as you become overtired and completely frustrated.  Making a martyr out of yourself is not the answer to anyone's problems, least of all the patient's.  ASK FOR HELP and don't be ashamed to do so.
           
            And now to that other issue.  Many women have problems taking on the role of caregiver, not because they do not wish to care for their very ill husbands, but because it requires them to, in their minds, usurp his authority as head of the house.  It is difficult for a woman who has been taught to be in subjection, honoring her husband as the leader of the home, to take over responsibilities and decision-making, especially when his weakened ability to think logically may have him trying to refuse the medical care he needs.  The doctor will look to the wife to decide upon the appropriate care and medication, and ultimately, when it might be time to seek care outside the home.  Let me see if I can help those women a little bit.
            I imagine everyone knows Bathsheba, but only in that sad instance of 2 Sam 11 and David's adultery and murder.  What we don't realize is that she seems to have become his favorite wife, bearing him at least four sons.  When David finally lay on his deathbed and his son Adonijah took over the throne against the plans of God and his father David, Nathan went to Bathsheba to tell her about it.  He obviously expected her to step in for her fatally ill husband.  With only a little persuasion she went to David and told him what was happening.  Nathan came in at the appropriate time and vouched for what she had told him.  That took care of the matter, then and there.  But what if Bathsheba had refused?  Let's face it, she had the most to gain because it was her son Solomon whom God wanted on the throne.  It probably looked self-serving of her at the least.  But David was so ill, he didn't even know what was going on; he certainly couldn't do anything about it himself.  Bathsheba looked to her husband's interests when he was no longer physically able.  (1 Kings 1)
            And then we have a very different example.  Abigail's extremely rich husband, Nabal, was "churlish and evil."  When David's men came to ask for some food—during a festival time when there was more than enough and after David's men had protected his workers and herds—he sent them away empty-handed with harsh, insulting words.  David was so angry he was ready to kill Nabal and everyone in his household.  Abigail went behind her husband's back and did what he refused to do, taking a generous amount of food to David and his army and their families, and giving him some wise and godly advice.  (1 Sam 25)
            Wait a minute!  How is that a good example?  This is how:  the man was drunk as a skunk.  He had no idea the danger he had put himself and his family and servants in.  Abigail may not have done what he wanted but she saved his life when he was too incapacitated to see the danger. 
            When your husband is no longer able to make decisions about the important things in your lives, he expects you to take over and do what is best for him.  She does him good and not evil all the days of his life, the Proverb writer says of the worthy wife (31:12).  My husband has told me certain things he wants me to do should he become unable to do or think on his own.  He expects me to carry out his wishes.  How is that usurping his authority?
            Talk to your husband now and find out what he wants.  Then when—if—the time comes, be a faithful wife, even if it means doing what his damaged mind no longer wants to be done.  You are not being a bad wife.  You are not being un-submissive.  You are, in fact, being the wife you ought to be, and there is no shame in that at all.
            I hope you have found these articles helpful.  My mother's ordeal is over.  Both she and Daddy have gone on to their rewards.  But my friend's trial continues, as it does for so many.  Today, join with me in a special prayer for those men and women as they fight fear, frustration, and grief to care for their loved ones in the best way they can.
 
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  (Isa 41:10).
 
Dene Ward

Part 3 of a four part series.
 
            As I have mentioned, and will keep on stressing, I am not a medical professional and will not attempt to give you any medical advice.  What I am sharing now has come straight from the caregivers, what worked for them and what did not.  You can look on the internet in several places and find other things to add here.  The things in this article come from their personal and practical experience.  I believe they might also be beneficial for visitors, or for those who offer care time while the caregiver is away running necessary errands.  These were shared by those who have been there and who want to help others with their hard-won wisdom and knowledge.
            1.  You must enter the Alzheimer's patient's world; do not expect him to understand or interact in your world any longer.  A basic tenet of education is "Start where the student is at."  The same is true of the Alzheimer's patient.  Don't try to make him do what he can no longer do.  If he wants to converse, then talk about the things he wants to talk about, but if he is no longer conversational, then you must do the talking and watch his reactions for signs of interest or lack thereof.  If he closes his eyes or turns his back, try another subject.
            2.  Address him by name ("Hello, Bob").  He may not reply but at least he knows he is not being ignored. 
            3.  Ask simple yes or no questions and give him choices whenever possible, but no more than two.  "Do you want ______ or ______ for supper?"  "Do you want to watch ________ or _________ on TV?"  Always be willing and able to live with whatever he chooses.
            4.  Don't say, "Do you remember__________?"  Instead, say, "I remember when we ______________," and allow him to say something, to nod or smile.
            5.  Find something to keep his hands busy.  Puzzles might be a good choice, but be aware that while you may have started with 1000 piece puzzles, you will gradually need to move to 500, 300, and even 100 piece puzzles as the illness progresses.  Pay attention to what is happening and his frustration level to know when to switch. 
            6.  On the occasion when something must be done (going to the doctor, getting dressed, taking a bath, taking medication), do not say, "Do you want to __________?"  Just say, "It's time to _________."  This avoids the problem of him answering your question with a "No," especially if it is something that simply must be done at a certain time.
            7.  Patiently answer the same question as many times as it takes, even if it is asked in rapid succession many times.  Use the same verbiage.  Control your frustration and answer it as if it is the first time he has asked.
            8.  Give simple three or four word instructions, helping him accomplish a task one step at a time.  Do not overburden him with too much information at once.  For instance, when he is dressing himself, you might need to tell which article of clothing to put on, one after the other and how to do it.  Another friend of mine had left her mother dressing herself for church and when she returned, found her with her slip on top of her dress.  Do not assume that the patient knows how to do anything the correct way anymore, but stand by and watch, ready to give one piece of information at a time, but only as needed.  For as long as possible, let them have their small victories.
            9.  Remember that you are the patient's anchor, especially when he begins following you around and seems nervous and clingy.  Be there for him and reassure him that you will not leave him.
            10.  And above all, remember that the patient is still a human being with feelings just like you.  They may not be able to verbalize and are limited in their abilities, but they will always remember who makes them feel good.
            The caregivers I have spoken to and I hope these things will help you as you travel a long, hard, and often lonely road.
 
And we urge you, brothers…encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.  (1Thess 5:14).
 
Dene Ward

Part 2 of a four part series.

Originally, this was the only article I planned to write.  Watching my mother and hearing from my friend made me intensely aware of things I had never known before—things they had to deal with that I would have never imagined.  In a way, this might be the most important of the three articles, though I guarantee you that those two women would have thought otherwise in their attitudes of humility and service. 
            I am listing these things in no particular order, but as they have come to me, from my observation, research, and discussions with and suggestions from those involved.  I imagine the order of importance is different for each case.  It will be up to you to look for these things yourself and decide what is needed for the people you are trying to help.
            1.  Do not ask the caregiver how the spouse is doing when that spouse is standing right there, or on the phone when you know the spouse can overhear that side of the conversation.  You never know how much he will understand and how it might make him feel.
            2.  Don't give medical advice.  Any physician would never think of impinging upon another physician's role.  How much less should someone with no medical training, or much less, such as an LPN?  This got so often and so bad for my mother, that she finally had to say something like, "I believe I will do what the doctor says."  That might have sounded a bit rude, but she had been pressured so often that she felt harassed and judged.  Please don't put a godly and already stressed out person in that situation.
            3.  Don't say, "I know how you feel."  Knowing someone who has Alzheimer's or dementia and dealing with it 24/7 as the primary caregiver are two entirely different things with two entirely different stress levels.  Even helping on a minimal basis, like an overnight stay or afternoon substitute, is far from the same thing.  If you have not done it, you don't know.  Period.
            4.  Don't say, "You make everything look so easy."  You don't see the struggles, the extra length of time, the often frustrating explanations it took to get a spouse up and ready to go to the doctor or to worship services or any other place.  That statement minimizes the caregiver's efforts and her sometimes almost super-human patience.
            5.  If you live in the same neighborhood as a caregiver, please keep an eye out.  For example, my mother went to take a shower one evening and when she got out, two strange men were sitting in her living room.  Turned out they were vacuum cleaner salesmen rather than criminals up to no good whom my daddy had let in with no idea what was up except to be friendly, especially since they often received church visitors in the evenings.  How much better if a neighbor had told those men, "Please don't bother my next door neighbors.  The husband is very ill and the wife is caring for him and doesn't need the interruption.  They wouldn't be interested right now anyway."
            Also be aware that Alzheimer's patients tend to wander.  If you see your ill neighbor out walking the street, go out immediately and talk him into going back home.  Listen to him if he tells you where he is going or who he is looking for, and say whatever is necessary to get him to go with you.  My mother put an alarm on her door after the vacuum cleaner salesmen episode, but my daddy was a tinkerer who could figure out how anything worked, and one night as she was again taking a shower, he figured out that alarm and took off looking for "his wife."  She ended up having to call the police to get him back home.
            6.  Send cards or small gifts, and if possible deliver them in person.  Even the least expensive, tiniest things will brighten a caregiver's day.  Due to things like #5 above, a caregiver often has no chance for her own doctor appointments or errands like buying groceries or getting a haircut or car maintenance.  If the situation is manageable, consider offering to spend some time with the patient while the caregiver gets a few things done.  That is often preferable to you doing it for her because it gets her out of the house and in a calmer situation for an hour or so.  Talk to the caregiver about what is best in her situation.  This will change from day to day and as the disease progresses.
            7.  This may be one of the most important:  Do not judge the caregiver's choices.  No one should be telling her that she is not being a good wife if she has decided that she can no longer take care of her spouse at home and must use a Memory Care Facility.  You may not realize that the disease has reached a point where she is now in danger.  If that seriously ill mate no longer knows her and thinks a stranger has invaded his home, what might he do to her?  I know that doctors will begin asking questions about weapons in the house.  One caregiver I knew had to pack up all of her cooking knives.  Another had to give all the guns in the house to another family member.  But those are not the only weapons available when someone is frightened enough to think he needs one.
            At some point, the caregiver's own health will begin to suffer.  Most men are bigger than their wives.  How will she pick him up if he falls?  Many of these patients suffer REM disorder and sleep fitfully with dreams they try to act out.  The caregiver will often go several days without any real sleep, and this will go on for years.  Eventually reaching the point where she decides he would be best cared for 24/7 in a facility is most emphatically NOT a sign that she is a disloyal or unloving wife who has broken her vows "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse."  It is no one's decision but hers, and none of us has any right to question it.
            If you have a friend or family member in the same situation, I hope these few things that have come straight from other caregivers will help you out.  And as I mentioned in our introductory article, please feel free to share any others below.
 
Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Gal 6:2).
 
Dene Ward