Flight Paths

I would like to buy about three dollars' worth of gospel, please. Not too much—just enough to make me happy, but not so much that I get addicted. I don’t want so much gospel that I learn to really hate covetousness and lust. I certainly don’t want so much that I start to love my enemies, cherish self-denial, and contemplate missionary service in some alien culture. I want ecstasy, not repentance; I want transcendence, not transformation. I would like to be cherished by some nice, forgiving, broad-minded people, but I myself don’t want to love those from different races—especially if they smell. I would like enough gospel to make my family secure and my children well behaved, but not so much that I find my ambitions redirected or my giving too greatly enlarged. I would like about three dollars' worth of gospel, please.

SOURCE: Carson, D. A.. Basics for Believers: An Exposition of Philippians . Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition

     Another issue Keith has always had with his hearing has been direction.  Even when he can hear something, he is not certain which direction it came from.  90% of the time he is wrong.  We have expected the implant to improve this, and it has, but not completely.  He is wrong only half the time now.  This morning he asked where the pounding was coming from and while he was close—he said north—it was actually west northwest, in fact, close to due west.  We assume this will improve just as everything else has.

     He is not the only one with this problem.  When a new Christian comes with a question about something they "heard," usually on television or a podcast, I always cringe.  Their zeal, which is commendable, often puts them on a seesaw, up with elation and then down again when they find out their new source is anything but scripture-based.  If the first thing all of us learned to do was to ask, "Where did this come from?" we might not find ourselves in such a bipolar state of mind. 

     Learn to ask yourself first, "Did this come with scripture to back it up?"  If not, then chuck it immediately.  Anyone who cannot give you a scripture-based reason, a "thus saith the Lord" as we used to say in the old days, should probably be ignored on general principle.  But suppose they give you a scripture.  Ask yourself if it contradicts any other scripture whose meaning you are certain of.  The Bible does not contradict itself.  If that person has interpreted it in such a way that two Bible principles are opposed to one another, they absolutely must be misusing scripture, perhaps out of ignorance, but perhaps not.  As much as we hate to believe such things, it is possible that this person is deliberately misleading you for the sake of his own agenda. 

     A lot of decent people have been misled by men who were out for no good but their own.  Some have lost their livelihoods; some have lost their lives; many have lost their souls.  Hon Meng Chen, Marshall Applewhite, David Koresh, Jim Jones and others you may not have heard of hoodwinked their believers into signing over their possessions, committing adultery in some cases, and ultimately facing death in any number of ways.  They all started small, with a group who believed a doctrine found nowhere but in their leader's megalomaniacal mind.  "I would never believe such a thing," I am sure they all thought several years before the fact, but ultimately, they failed to check things out.

     Keith's hearing is improving as he gains more experience with the implant, but his spiritual hearing has never been bad.  Yours can be just as good as his.  Don't be like the millions who believe a lie simply because they want to.

And then shall be revealed the lawless one, whom the Lord Jesus shall slay with the breath of his mouth, and bring to nothing by the manifestation of his coming; whose coming is according to the working of Satan with all power and signs and lying wonders, and with all deceit of unrighteousness for them that perish; because they received not the love of the truth, that they might be saved. And for this cause God sends them a working of error, that they should believe a lie: that they all might be judged who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness 2Thess 2:8-12.

      Here in Tampa we still take a third cup of coffee outside every morning, but now, instead of seeing our 5 wooded acres, dotted with sheds, bird feeders, and gardens full of flowers, herbs, and vegetables, we sit on a screened porch that looks out at the back fence no more than ten feet away.  It may not be as nice a view as before, but it still serves its purpose as we rehash classes, sermons, and things that need to be seen about in the week to come, usually people who need to be seen about.  I am more likely to have the week's schedule firmly in my head so we can avoid conflicts or, if we find any, figure them out.

     As we sat there a few days ago, Keith suddenly sat up straight. "Listen!  What is that?" he asked.  I knew instantly from all my days up north with bird books and binoculars. 

     "It's a wren," I told him.

     "A wren!" he said in wonder.  "It's been forty years since I've heard a wren."

     Okay, take a big gulp now and blink your eyes really fast to stem the rising tears as I did that morning.  That moment may be the most amazing moment he has had since the cochlear implant was put in and turned on.  I used to sit and listen to wrens for a long time because their song was so loud and clear and beautiful. Yet I knew a woman who had grown irritated with wrens because, "They're so cotton pickin' loud!"  They may have been loud, but Keith had not heard them at all.  I cannot imagine ever complaining about a wren's song.

     I suppose I could come up with all sorts of applications on this one—so could you.  But just consider now the things we often complain about:  song leaders and the songs they choose or how they choose to lead them; Bible class teachers who are studying for hours but are still not public speaking specialists and so are often not exactly riveting orators; preachers who are too blunt, too general, too loud, too long, etc., etc., etc.   But imagine someone who has never heard the life-giving Word of God and how he listens to it.  We can tell you from experience that no one listens to, comprehends, thinks about, studies for, or instantly forgives the imperfections of a preacher or teacher like a brand new Christian. 

     Just what are we taking for granted ourselves?  The timid voice of a new convert as he reads from the Word of God; a congregation of ordinary people singing the best they can if a bit draggy and a lot flat; a small toddler calling out exuberantly during services because, after all, everyone else just did; a young man scrambling around for a passage as he delivers his first talk, voice trembling and face turning a bit red, note papers fluttering in the air conditioner draft; a teenager saying the closing prayer, hesitating here and there, occasionally repeating himself as he still manages to present a heartfelt prayer to the God of all of us, who also sits patiently and listens to far more than just the sounds we make.  Just a little perspective can change a complaint into blessing.

     Have you heard a wren lately?  If you are doing a lot of complaining, maybe you need to go outside and listen for a few minutes.  Maybe you need a change in attitude, and perspective.  Then just maybe you will recognize the soul pleasing sounds you have been missing.

And he said, How shall we liken the kingdom of God? or in what parable shall we set it forth? It is like a grain of mustard seed, which, when it is sown upon the earth, though it be less than all the seeds that are upon the earth, yet when it is sown, grows up, and becomes greater than all the herbs, and puts out great branches; so that the birds of the heaven can lodge under the shadow thereof. And with many such parables spoke he the word unto them, as they were able to hear it Mark 4:31-33.

Dene Ward

Most of you know that Keith had a cochlear implant put in earlier this year.  I have not reported much about it because it is a work in progress—a slow one.  We have learned many things and found out that most of our assumptions were not exactly correct.

     I suppose I thought that once this was in place that it always worked, that you would hear from then on.  No.  Just like any other electronic equipment, it needs a power source, in this case a battery.  That means you put it on in the morning and take it off in the evening to recharge.  I still cannot call out in the night and expect him to hear me.

     And then there is the "hearing."  The implant itself does not hear.  It simply provides an electronic signal to the auditory nerve and he must learn to translate that impulse into a normal sound or word.  Every day he practices "hearing" with either a computer program or by taking out his regular hearing aid that still sits in the other ear, and the two of us talking.  Gradually he is learning that this noise equals that word.  He is going much more quickly than most, they tell us, but it still seems slow to both of us.  He does the best when he has the hearing aid, the implant, and his usual lip reading in play, but if he is ever to reach the point that he is ready for a second implant, he must get much better using only the implant.  Otherwise, he will be lost if he still cannot "hear" with the first one.

     And then there is the sound itself.  Even when he can translate a word, it sounds more robotic than human.  Sometimes pitched too high and sometimes too low, and very often mechanical.  As one doctor put it, it sounds like a cross between Mickey Mouse and R2D2.  That too, can distort the word for him.  All in all, it is not a miracle worker.  It is plain hard work with moments of discouragement and moments of wonder.  A friend who was born deaf ultimately stopped using hers.  It wasn't worth the trouble to her.  She is not the only one who has ever felt that way.  So far Keith has found the motivation to plod on.

     The fourth week we were sitting at a stoplight waiting when suddenly he reached over and turned off the turn signal.  "How can you stand that?!" he said.  He was hearing a turn signal!  Last week he sat at the dining table and then suddenly looked up at me and said, "Is that clock ticking?"  Yes, the kitchen clock ticks.  "Why?  It runs on a battery."  But you and I would have long ago learned to ignore it.  That is a skill he is having to learn.

     Our spiritual hearing can work the same way.  Sometimes we turn it off on purpose.  If I don’t want to hear what you have to say, I won't listen.  Sometimes what you say sticks out like sore thumb because it is different.  Everyone else just tells me what I want to hear but you have the love—and guts—to tell me what I need to hear.  Sometimes it sounds off a little because that is exactly what it is.  I am supposed to be able to tell truth from falsehood, especially in regard to God's Word.  If it doesn't sound right, don't just accept it or even just ignore it—look it up yourself.  I have seen Keith looking at me and others strangely a time or two as he hears these strange sounds that are voices he must learn all over again to recognize.

     And sometimes what you hear can be the thing that saves your soul.  When you recognize it, you should instantly want more.  You should work harder and harder to understand it because you know your eternal life depends upon it.  You have the motivation while others do not—you believe and they don't. 

     Check your hearing this morning.  Do you need an implant?  Wherefore putting away all filthiness and overflowing of wickedness, receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls Jas 1:21.  The Word of God is worth hearing and obeying.  Don't take it out and turn it off because it offends you or because it takes some work to understand.  Your soul depends on how well you hear.

Therefore speak I to them in parables; because seeing they see not, and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand. And unto them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah, which says, By hearing you shall hear, and shall in no wise understand; And seeing you shall see, and shall in no wise perceive: For this people's heart is waxed gross, And their ears are dull of hearing, And their eyes they have closed; Lest haply they should perceive with their eyes, And hear with their ears, And understand with their heart, And should turn again, And I should heal them. But blessed are your eyes, for they see; and your ears, for they hear  Matt 13:13-16.

Dene Ward

Many years ago my students and I were at State Contest.  It was the Big Deal for my studio, and probably the reason for my waiting list.  The trip was the reward whether you won anything or not, but many did win and their pictures in the weekly paper made free advertising for the studio.

     First they had to play at the district level.  Only superiors were allowed to go to state.  However, you could participate in more than one event.  Voice students could sing in art song and musical theater.  Piano students participated in piano solo, piano concerto, piano duet, and piano trio.  If a student made more than one superior, then they played in more than one event at the State level too, some as many as 4 or 5.  Of course that meant that they often had schedule conflicts, with several events scheduled close together or even at the same time.  The people in charge understood this and put up signup sheets outside the performance rooms.  That is the order of performance that the judges went by.  A student might sign up to be first in one room and last in the other in order to make it to the correct room on time.  If they did not show up, they were marked "withdrawn."

     One year I had students playing in so many events that I felt like an Air Traffic Controller at O'Hare.  I had several to accompany as well, and had to count on them all to follow the plan we had drawn up.  Since most were veterans instead of rookies, I wasn't too worried.  Then I came out of the vocal room after accompanying a half dozen events and found three or four of my piano students waiting on me with tears of desperation in their eyes.  "Mrs. Ward!  That woman won't let us in to play!" 

     Every room has a monitor to gofer for the judges and to control the flow of traffic into and out of the room so the door only opens between performances instead of in the middle of one.  So I had them lead me to the room in question.  Understand, every teacher who brought students had to serve a four hour work stint somewhere—registration, monitoring, serving judges' meals, whatever—or have a parent take their place.  Since I had to accompany so many, one of my parents had filled my spot elsewhere.  When I got to the room in question, the monitor was indeed another teacher.  She sat smugly on her stool outside the door.  This is the woman who had not let my students in even though they had shown her their names on the signup sheet and had told her they had a schedule conflict and were just now arriving.  Somehow, though, her students had gotten into the room.

     I walked up to her and started to ask why my students were not allowed in, but I did not get to finish.  She had seen my nametag.  She knew I was not just another teacher—I was the State Vice-President!  About then, the piano music inside the room stopped.  I knew that piece because some of my students played it, so I knew it was finished.  "Of course they can come in," she said sweetly, and opened the door for us.  Only one more duet team played before mine—if I had not come, they would have been marked withdrawn!  At our next state meeting, we came up with something to keep that from happening again.

     For the 30+ years I taught, I treated those students like they were my own children.  No one was going to mess with my kids!  It's that old Mama Bear feeling that we get with our own children and grandchildren.  Keith has been teaching Revelation recently and we came across something that makes me know God has a Mama Bear side too.  We all know about the mark of the beast in that book.  For some reason that is the only mark the world wants to talk about, especially in books and movies.  But how many of us realize that there is also a mark that God puts on the heads of His own?  And I saw, and behold, the Lamb standing on the mount Zion, and with him a hundred and forty and four thousand, having his name, and the name of his Father, written on their foreheads Rev14:1.

      Ezekiel talks about a mark as well, one for those who sigh and cry over all the abominations done, Ezek 9:4.  God knows who His people are.  He cares for you, just like a Mama does for her babies.  When I went down that hall that day with all those students following me like the neighborhood ducklings follow their Mamas, that teacher knew, even if she had not recognized my name and position, that I was there for them and she could no longer bully them around.

     Sometimes the world treats us unfairly.  Sometimes our neighbors gossip and indulge in character assassination.  Sometimes our families don't understand our first allegiance to God and His people.  But through all the turmoil and suffering, some of which may get much worse in the near future, God knows who we are and where we are.  He doesn't always save us from ugly things, but He helps us get through them and will eventually take us to live with Him because of our trust and loyalty to Him.  Remember that and hang on.

Howbeit the firm foundation of God stands, having this seal, The Lord knows them that are his: and, Let everyone that names the name of the Lord depart from unrighteousness 2Tim2:19.

Dene Ward

Part 4 in a four part series.

            When caring for someone who is seriously ill, the caregiver often fails to care for herself.  I remember vividly the day my husband had some sort of attack that doctors were calling a stroke.  Meanwhile, I had a seriously abscessed tooth and an appointment for a root canal while he lay in the hospital.  I thought about canceling the appointment regardless the pain I was in, but his doctor looked at me and said, "Go take care of yourself so you can take care of him."  And that, indeed, is the bottom line.

            First I will give you the tips my friends have shared with me, and then we will talk about something else that many good Christian women wrestle with.

            1.  Schedule some time for yourself every day.  It may be devotional time with Bible study and prayer.  It may be exercise.  It may be journaling your feelings as you go through this process.  Whatever it is, make the time to do it.

            2.  Focus on the positives each day.  Don't dwell on the difficulties you encounter, or what life used to be like, or what retirement was supposed to be like.  Cherish each day and focus on creating sweet, new memories with your spouse.  Include your children and grandchildren whenever possible.

            3.  Plan an enjoyable outdoor activity for each day—a walk, a drive, sitting on the porch or in the yard, visiting a friend.  There is something emotionally healing about fresh air.

            4.  Take life slow and easy.  Do nothing in a rush.  Model the behavior that you have requested of the patient, and stay calm.

            5.  Take care of yourself physically—eating balanced meals on a schedule, drinking enough liquid every day, etc.  The last thing you need is to have your own health go downhill in a rush because you "don't feel like eating," or "don't have the time to eat," etc.

            6.  Above all, do not hesitate to ask for help from family, friends, and neighbors.  As members of the Lord's body, people should not just be mouthing, "Let me know if there is anything I can do," but actively looking for things to do for you.  If home and car maintenance are not your bailiwick, ask for help.  We are meant to serve one another and in this way you will not only aid the women in serving you, but the men too.  Trying to do it all will simply undo many of the things we have talked about as you become overtired and completely frustrated.  Making a martyr out of yourself is not the answer to anyone's problems, least of all the patient's.  ASK FOR HELP and don't be ashamed to do so.

            And now to that other issue.  Many women have problems taking on the role of caregiver, not because they do not wish to care for their very ill husbands, but because it requires them to, in their minds, usurp his authority as head of the house.  It is difficult for a woman who has been taught to be in subjection, honoring her husband as the leader of the home, to take over responsibilities and decision-making, especially when his weakened ability to think logically may have him trying to refuse the medical care he needs.  The doctor will look to the wife to decide upon the appropriate care and medication, and ultimately, when it might be time to seek care outside the home.  Let me see if I can help those women a little bit.

            I imagine everyone knows Bathsheba, but only in that sad instance of 2 Sam 11 and David's adultery and murder.  What we don't realize is that she seems to have become his favorite wife, bearing him at least four sons.  When David finally lay on his deathbed and his son Adonijah took over the throne against the plans of God and his father David, Nathan went to Bathsheba to tell her about it.  He obviously expected her to step in for her fatally ill husband.  With only a little persuasion she went to David and told him what was happening.  Nathan came in at the appropriate time and vouched for what she had told him.  That took care of the matter, then and there.  But what if Bathsheba had refused?  Let's face it, she had the most to gain because it was her son Solomon whom God wanted on the throne.  It probably looked self-serving of her at the least.  But David was so ill, he didn't even know what was going on; he certainly couldn't do anything about it himself.  Bathsheba looked to her husband's interests when he was no longer physically able.  (1 Kings 1)

            And then we have a very different example.  Abigail's extremely rich husband, Nabal, was "churlish and evil."  When David's men came to ask for some food—during a festival time when there was more than enough and after David's men had protected his workers and herds—he sent them away empty-handed with harsh, insulting words.  David was so angry he was ready to kill Nabal and everyone in his household.  Abigail went behind her husband's back and did what he refused to do, taking a generous amount of food to David and his army and their families, and giving him some wise and godly advice.  (1 Sam 25)

            Wait a minute!  How is that a good example?  This is how:  the man was drunk as a skunk.  He had no idea the danger he had put himself and his family and servants in.  Abigail may not have done what he wanted but she saved his life when he was too incapacitated to see the danger. 

            When your husband is no longer able to make decisions about the important things in your lives, he expects you to take over and do what is best for him.  She does him good and not evil all the days of his life, the Proverb writer says of the worthy wife (31:12).  My husband has told me certain things he wants me to do should he become unable to do or think on his own.  He expects me to carry out his wishes.  How is that usurping his authority?

Talk to your husband now and find out what he wants.  Then when—if—the time comes, be a faithful wife, even if it means doing what his damaged mind no longer wants to be done.  You are not being a bad wife.  You are not being un-submissive.  You are, in fact, being the wife you ought to be, and there is no shame in that at all.

            I hope you have found these articles helpful.  My mother's ordeal is over.  Both she and Daddy have gone on to their rewards.  But my friend's trial continues, as it does for so many.  Today, join with me in a special prayer for those men and women as they fight fear, frustration, and grief to care for their loved ones in the best way they can.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  (Isa 41:10).

Dene Ward

Part 3 of a four part series.

            As I have mentioned, and will keep on stressing, I am not a medical professional and will not attempt to give you any medical advice.  What I am sharing now has come straight from the caregivers, what worked for them and what did not.  You can look on the internet in several places and find other things to add here.  The things in this article come from their personal and practical experience.  I believe they might also be beneficial for visitors, or for those who offer care time while the caregiver is away running necessary errands.  These were shared by those who have been there and who want to help others with their hard-won wisdom and knowledge.

            1.  You must enter the Alzheimer's patient's world; do not expect him to understand or interact in your world any longer.  A basic tenet of education is "Start where the student is at."  The same is true of the Alzheimer's patient.  Don't try to make him do what he can no longer do.  If he wants to converse, then talk about the things he wants to talk about, but if he is no longer conversational, then you must do the talking and watch his reactions for signs of interest or lack thereof.  If he closes his eyes or turns his back, try another subject.

            2.  Address him by name ("Hello, Bob").  He may not reply but at least he knows he is not being ignored. 

            3.  Ask simple yes or no questions and give him choices whenever possible, but no more than two.  "Do you want ______ or ______ for supper?"  "Do you want to watch ________ or _________ on TV?"  Always be willing and able to live with whatever he chooses.

            4.  Don't say, "Do you remember__________?"  Instead, say, "I remember when we ______________," and allow him to say something, to nod or smile.

            5.  Find something to keep his hands busy.  Puzzles might be a good choice, but be aware that while you may have started with 1000 piece puzzles, you will gradually need to move to 500, 300, and even 100 piece puzzles as the illness progresses.  Pay attention to what is happening and his frustration level to know when to switch. 

            6.  On the occasion when something must be done (going to the doctor, getting dressed, taking a bath, taking medication), do not say, "Do you want to __________?"  Just say, "It's time to _________."  This avoids the problem of him answering your question with a "No," especially if it is something that simply must be done at a certain time.

            7.  Patiently answer the same question as many times as it takes, even if it is asked in rapid succession many times.  Use the same verbiage.  Control your frustration and answer it as if it is the first time he has asked.

            8.  Give simple three or four word instructions, helping him accomplish a task one step at a time.  Do not overburden him with too much information at once.  For instance, when he is dressing himself, you might need to tell which article of clothing to put on, one after the other and how to do it.  Another friend of mine had left her mother dressing herself for church and when she returned, found her with her slip on top of her dress.  Do not assume that the patient knows how to do anything the correct way anymore, but stand by and watch, ready to give one piece of information at a time, but only as needed.  For as long as possible, let them have their small victories.

            9.  Remember that you are the patient's anchor, especially when he begins following you around and seems nervous and clingy.  Be there for him and reassure him that you will not leave him.

            10.  And above all, remember that the patient is still a human being with feelings just like you.  They may not be able to verbalize and are limited in their abilities, but they will always remember who makes them feel good.

            The caregivers I have spoken to hope these things will help you as you travel a long, hard, and often lonely road.

And we urge you, brothers…encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.  (1Thess 5:14).

Dene Ward

Number 2 in the series.

Originally, this was the only article I planned to write.  Watching my mother and hearing from my friend made me intensely aware of things I had never known before—things they had to deal with that I would have never imagined.  In a way, this might be the most important of the three articles, though I guarantee you that those two women would have thought otherwise in their attitudes of humility and service. 

            I am listing these things in no particular order, but as they have come to me, from my observation, research, and discussions with and suggestions from those involved.  I imagine the order of importance is different for each case.  It will be up to you to look for these things yourself and decide what is needed for the people you are trying to help.

            1.  Do not ask the caregiver how the spouse is doing when that spouse is standing right there, or on the phone when you know the spouse can overhear that side of the conversation.  You never know how much he will understand and how it might make him feel.

            2.  Don't give medical advice.  Any physician would never think of impinging upon another physician's role.  How much less should someone with no medical training, or much less?  This got so often and so bad for my mother, that she finally had to say something like, "I believe I will do what the doctor says."  That might have sounded a bit rude, but she had been pressured so often that she felt harassed and judged.  Please don't put a godly and already stressed out person in that situation.

            3.  Don't say, "I know how you feel."  Knowing someone who has Alzheimer's or dementia and dealing with it 24/7 as the primary caregiver are two entirely different things with two entirely different stress levels.  Even helping on a minimal basis, like an overnight stay or afternoon substitute, is far from the same thing.  If you have not done it, you don't know.  Period.

            4.  Don't say, "You make everything look so easy."  You don't see the struggles, the extra length of time, the often frustrating explanations it took to get a spouse up and ready to go to the doctor or to worship services or any other place.  That statement minimizes the caregiver's efforts and her sometimes almost super-human patience.

            5.  If you live in the same neighborhood as a caregiver, please keep an eye out.  For example, my mother went to take a shower one evening and when she got out, two strange men were sitting in her living room.  Turned out they were vacuum cleaner salesmen rather than criminals up to no good whom my daddy had let in with no idea what was up except to be friendly, especially since they often received church visitors in the evenings.  How much better if a neighbor had told those men, "Please don't bother my next door neighbors.  The husband is very ill and the wife is caring for him and doesn't need the interruption.  They wouldn't be interested right now anyway."

            Also be aware that Alzheimer's patients tend to wander.  If you see your ill neighbor out walking the street, go out immediately and talk him into going back home.  Listen to him if he tells you where he is going or who he is looking for, and say whatever is necessary to get him to go with you.  My mother put an alarm on her door after the vacuum cleaner salesmen episode, but my daddy was a tinkerer who could figure out how anything worked, and one night as she was again taking a shower, he figured out that alarm and took off looking for "his wife."  She ended up having to call the police to get him back home.

            6.  Send cards or small gifts, and, if possible, deliver them in person.  Even the least expensive, tiniest things will brighten a caregiver's day.  Due to things like #5 above, a caregiver often has no chance for her own doctor appointments or errands like buying groceries or getting a haircut or car maintenance.  If the situation is manageable, consider offering to spend some time with the patient while the caregiver gets a few things done.  That is often preferable to you doing it for her because it gets her out of the house and in a calmer situation for an hour or so.  Talk to the caregiver about what is best in her situation.  This will change from day to day and as the disease progresses.

            7.  This may be one of the most important:  Do not judge the caregiver's choices.  No one should be telling her that she is not being a good wife if she has decided that she can no longer take care of her spouse at home and must use a Memory Care Facility.  You may not realize that the disease has reached a point where she is now in danger.  If that seriously ill mate no longer knows her and thinks a stranger has invaded his home, what might he do to her?  I know that doctors will begin asking questions about weapons in the house.  One caregiver I knew had to pack up all of her cooking knives.  Another had to give all the guns in the house to another family member.  But those are not the only weapons available when someone is frightened enough to think he needs one.

            At some point, the caregiver's own health will begin to suffer.  Most men are bigger than their wives.  How will she pick him up if he falls?  Many of these patients suffer REM disorder and sleep fitfully with dreams they try to act out.  The caregiver will often go several days without any real sleep, and this will go on for years.  Eventually reaching the point where she decides he would be best cared for 24/7 in a facility is most emphatically NOT a sign that she is a disloyal or unloving wife who has broken her vows "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse."  It is no one's decision but hers, and none of us has any right to question it.

            If you have a friend or family member in the same situation, I hope these few things that have come straight from other caregivers will help you out.  And as I mentioned in our introductory article, please feel free to share any others below.

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Gal 6:2).

Dene Ward

Number 1 in a four part series.

Today begins a four part series on the difficulties of Alzheimer's and how to help those dealing with it, both patient and caregiver alike.  I believe these might also be helpful for those dealing with dementia patients as well. 

Please notice:  I will not be approaching these as a professional on any level, but simply as someone who has seen it up close and who also has friends dealing with it.  I will not be giving medical advice beyond what the doctors have told me and my family and friends.  This is strictly practical information from those who have dealt with it firsthand, information that I hope will be a true service in helping and encouraging others. I also hope it will help us all to avoid saying and doing something hurtful, even with the best intentions.

            My father developed dementia gradually over the last twelve years of his life.  It was hard to watch a highly intelligent and competent man become as dependent as a child, and especially to see him forget who his wife of sixty-four years was, even as she patiently waited on him day after day.  I have a close friend whose husband is now traveling down the road of Alzheimer's.  I see the disease taking more of him every time I read one of her letters, and watch as she bravely faces the unknown every day.  These two, and others I have known, are my inspirations, and the primary source of the things I will write in this series.

            Please, if you are facing, or have faced, similar challenges yourself and have more to add, feel free to comment on the bottom of every article so that others can learn from you as well. It is better to put it on the article than on the Facebook link because it will eventually reach more people, especially as others discover it in the future from an internet search. As many problems as it might cause, one real benefit of the internet is reaching more people.  Please help me do that. 

Too many times I have stood frozen in my tracks, not knowing what to do and totally unable to think as something happened to someone close to my heart or simply standing nearby, and then wished for days afterward I had known how to act and what to do, mentally flailing myself for being so clueless.  Let's see if we can help one another avoid that. 

            This is merely an introductory article.  The remaining three articles will run the next three days.

We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves.  (Rom 15:1).

Dene Ward

The first time he said it I was confused.  The second time I was a little miffed. 

            “We’re going home,” Keith told someone of our upcoming visit to his parents’ house in Arkansas, early in our marriage.

            Home?  Home was where I was, where we lived together, not someplace 1100 miles away.

            I suppose I didn’t understand because I didn’t have that sense of home.  We moved a few times when I was a child, and then my parents moved more after I married.  I never use that phrase “back home” of any place but where I live at the moment.  But a lot of people do.  I hear them talk about it often, going “back home” to reunions and homecomings, visiting the places they grew up and knew from before they could remember.

            But what was it the American author Thomas Wolfe said?  “You can’t go home again.”  Those words have come to mean that you cannot relive childhood memories.  Things are constantly changing and you will always be disappointed.

            Abraham and Sarah and the other early patriarchs did not believe that. 

            These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. For they that say such things make it manifest that they are seeking after a country of their own. Hebrews 11:13-14.

            That phrase “country of their own” is the Greek word for “Fatherland” or “homeland” or “native country.”  Those people believed they were headed home in the same sense that Keith talked about going back to the Ozarks.  Some question whether the people of the Old Testament believed in life after death.  They not only believed they were going to live in that promised country after death, they believed they had come from there—that it was where they belonged.

            That may be our biggest problem.  We do not understand that we belong in Heaven, that God sent us from there and wants us back, that it is the Home we are longing for, the only place that will satisfy us.  We are too happy here, too prosperous in this life, too secure on this earth. 

            Try asking someone if they want to go to Heaven.  “Of course,” they will say.  Then ask if they would like to go now and see the difference in their response.  It is good that we have attachments here, and a sense of duty to those people.  It is not good when we see those attachments as far better than returning to our homeland and our Father and Brother.  Paul said, For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if to live in the flesh, - if this shall bring fruit from my work, then what I shall choose I know not. But I am in a strait between the two, having the desire to depart and be with Christ; for it is very far better: yet to abide in the flesh is more needful for your sake. Philippians 1:21-24.   Paul knew the better choice.  Staying here for the Philippians’ sake was a sacrifice to him, a necessary evil.

            Heaven isn’t supposed to be like an all-expenses-paid vacation away from home—it’s supposed to be Home—the only Home that matters.

            How do you view Heaven?  The way you see it may just make the difference in how easy or difficult it is for you to get there.

Being therefore always of good courage, and knowing that, while we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord (for we walk by faith, not by sight); we are of good courage, I say, and are willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be at home with the Lord, 2 Corinthians 5:6-8.

Dene Ward