Perhaps because I am no longer parenting, I am a latecomer to this "soft parenting" concept. I first heard of it from a friend who lives far away. Evidently, the majority of parents in her congregation are raising their children this way. As a Bible class teacher, she is not impressed. Seems they need a second or even third teacher for "crowd control," and sometimes the entire class is spent just asking the children to sit down and listen. Even if they get the majority to do so, one or two of the others do their best to disrupt class so that the others cannot learn. So I decided to do a little research into this "new" approach to parenting. I have read half a dozen or more articles, both pro and con, and even a couple that say "Maybe." But how about we compare this method to the Bible's directions on parenting? There are many plans in a person’s mind, but it is the counsel of the LORD that will stand Prov 19:21.
In the first case, I could not find that term in more than one article. Most of the others used the term "gentle" parenting. From the list of dos and don'ts (funny how the parents were given a list when it was verboten to give the children such a list), I did not really see much difference in the two.
First, let me just say that I highly resent the description. Why? What is the opposite of gentle or soft? Hard, intimidating, authoritative, whatever you come up with is an implicit judgment against the ones who do not follow this new method. I believe I was at least a fair mother, gentle when needed, strong and firm when needed. Yes, I made some mistakes; I can make you a list if you want. All parents make mistakes. We are not perfect. Funny how the ones I read about who want to criticize their parents, cannot for the life of themselves figure out any mistakes they have made. Something wrong with that mentality, I think. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone, John 8:7.
Second, "Gentle Parenting was not hammered out and defined by child development specialists, but by social media influencers" (FamilyMan.movember.com—I could not find an author, only the psychologists who reviewed it). "It hasn't gone through the same kind of testing and study as some of the more widely known approaches to parenting." If you don't have a problem with that, perhaps you should think twice about your judgment on anything else as well. If you truly want sound advice, look for a Christian couple who have successfully raised a family, not some nobody on social media who may or may not even believe in God.
One of the problems with this method is "it can cause parents stress and frustration" (Dr Cara Goodwin in separate articles.} It can be completely impractical. In every case of misbehavior the parent is to focus on the child and his assessment of why he did a particular thing. And in every hypothetical example of how to do this, the child always acquiesces. I'm sorry, but let's talk about real children and real situations and reactions. Suppose your child decides he does not want to wear socks today, but the school insists on it, perhaps as part of a school uniform. Do you really have time, early in the morning when everyone is preparing to go out for the day, to discuss this with him, trying to show him that it is reasonable, and gain his approval? And if you do, what if he still does not want to wear his socks? Sometimes you obey the rules "just because." I doubt the police officer who writes you a ticket will stand there and try to gain your acceptance in the matter. You can discuss when you can, but you will not always be able to, and when it comes down to brass tacks, he has to wear the socks if he attends that school whether he likes it or not. Every child needs to learn that concept or he will be in trouble big time someday.
Another problem with this method is that you may actually be rewarding bad behavior. Every time he screams or hits his brother or plays with the china figurine you told him to be gentle with, you are giving him the attention he wants. What does he learn? If I want Mama, just do something she doesn't like. You have reinforced that idea again and again.
Gentle parenting can easily become permissive parenting, which can be harmful to the child in the long run. One study (a real study now) showed that preschoolers that were raised with permissive parenting had less self-control and independence as teenagers (Also Dr Goodwin).
Gentle parenting can create a kid-centric family. While that may not sound bad, it really makes no sense at all. (See earlier post on April 25, 2025.) The marriage is the foundation of any home, and the adults are the ones who should be making the decisions and leading the way. They are the ones who are mature, experienced in life, and wiser certainly than any two—or ten--year old ever was. Yet too often this method means the kids run the house and the parents are afraid of their reaction when they must make a decision the children won't like. This is backwards, another caution issued by Dr. Goodwin.
This method talks about being "partners" with the child in his upbringing. No, we are not partners, which implies equality in knowledge, authority, and ability. God very specifically gave two roles here—parent and child (Eph 6:1ff, among many, many others). Children need the security of a person they know can and will provide and protect, as well as train. He needs to know that there is someone far more able than he is to take care of his problems and needs. Partner does not imply that, and neither does "friend."
And maybe the worst thing is that gentle parenting treats the child as an isolated unit, outside the context of family or community, meaning with no concern for how their behavior affects others. Let me camp here for a while. In the first place, the impracticality shows up again. Suppose your child smacks his brother in the head with one of their toys. Now you have a hurt child who is bleeding all over the place (scalp wounds are the worst) and a child who caused the hurt that you are now supposed to stop and discuss things with? How did you feel when you hit your brother? What do you think caused you to do this? How can we keep this from happening again? Meanwhile, your other child, who deserves all of your attention at the moment, is left hurting and ignored, has blood running into his eyes, and wonders, "What about me?" None of us is an "isolated unit." We all have some sort of community we interact with, even if it is just a small group of friends at school or kids in the neighborhood. A servant of the Lord is always concerned with how his behavior affects others. If nothing else, it's simple good manners, something else this method seems to ignore.
This is where I have the gravest doubts. How is this child supposed to learn self-control, self-denial, and putting the needs of others before himself, even his enemies, as Jesus taught? Or do these parents think that somehow all of this can wait until the child is grown? Really? I think I remember having "the golden rule" printed on my school ruler as a child. Everyone knew you learned these things as children so it would be ingrained by adulthood.
You aren't supposed to say no, this method says. God didn't have that problem. He put one big no-no right in the middle of the perfect place to live, Eden, and he said, "Do not eat of it or you will die." Another time, in the space of 17 verses he said some version of "no" eleven times (Ex 20:1-17). When their children heard the law, what do you think they heard but restriction after restriction? Yet God said, When your children ask you later on, What are the stipulations, statutes, and ordinances that the LORD our God commanded you? Deut 6:20, it was to be a teaching opportunity, not something that caused them anxiety. In fact, nearly every psychologist I have read says that children do best when they have clear cut boundaries. It may seem like restraint from one side, but from the other it represents security. Children with security (and routine, I might add) always do better. Of course we want to praise and encourage our children and not be constantly criticizing them. But just as certainly, God did not think it would ruin their spirits or stunt their emotional development to tell them no once in a while.
Two of God's servants turned out to be horrible fathers. God told them exactly what they did wrong when raising their children.
But the sons of Eli were wicked men. They did not acknowledge the LORD’s authority… Also, before they burned the fat the priest’s attendant would come and say to the person who was making the sacrifice, Give some meat for the priest to roast! He won’t accept boiled meat from you, but only raw. If the individual said to him, They should certainly burn the fat away first, then take for yourself whatever you wish, then he would say, No! Give it now! If not, I’ll take it by force! The sin of these young men was very great in the LORD’s sight, for they treated the LORD’s offering with contempt 1 Sam2: 12, 15-17. Eli tried to stop them when he heard what they were doing, but it was too late. What did God say about their father? He restrained them not 1 Sam 3:13. He didn't say, "No," when they were young, so when he tried with his now adult sons, they wouldn't listen. He didn't raise them to know that they could not do whatever they wanted to do, and since that was exactly what God meant for him to do as a father, his whole family lost the priesthood, 1 Sam 2:27-30, and he and his sons died.
David did much the same thing with Adonijah. Even though God had chosen Solomon to be the next king after David, Adonijah would have none of it. He rebelled, and even after Solomon showed him mercy and let him live, he wouldn't stop. He thought if he approached his kingship through the back door, he could finagle his way in. So he asked for Abishag, David's last concubine. Anyone schooled in the culture knows that a claim on the king's wife is a claim on the throne, and so he was dealt with accordingly--executed. And the problem once again began in childhood. Now his father had never corrected him saying, Why do you do such things? 1 Kgs 1:6.
Do not think for a minute that what they are learning now as they manipulate you (yes, they know how) that they will turn out to be wonderful servants of the Lord. Train up a child in the way he should go, the Proverb writer says. What you are teaching now is the way they will go when they grow up. If they are never restrained, if they never learn about authority, if they never learn concern for others, if they never learn plain old good manners, how can they ever understand what faces them in real life—that you don't always get what you want? In fact, the world doesn't care what they want. That will be far more traumatic to them then than a "No!" now. Not to mention the more important spiritual results. My husband, the probation officer, met far too many of them across the table from him, young people who grew up thinking they could do whatever they wanted to do because they always had, and found out the hard way that was not true.
Think of him who endured such opposition against himself by sinners, so that you may not grow weary in your souls and give up. You have not yet resisted to the point of bloodshed in your struggle against sin. And have you forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as sons? My son, do not scorn the Lord’s discipline or give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves and chastises every son he accepts. Endure your suffering as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline? But if you do not experience discipline, something all sons have shared in, then you are illegitimate and are not sons. Besides, we have experienced discipline from our earthly fathers and we respected them; shall we not submit ourselves all the more to the Father of spirits and receive life? For they disciplined us for a little while as seemed good to them, but he does so for our benefit, that we may share his holiness. Now all discipline seems painful at the time, not joyful. But later it produces the fruit of peace and righteousness for those trained by it Heb 12:3-11.
Dene Ward
In the first case, I could not find that term in more than one article. Most of the others used the term "gentle" parenting. From the list of dos and don'ts (funny how the parents were given a list when it was verboten to give the children such a list), I did not really see much difference in the two.
First, let me just say that I highly resent the description. Why? What is the opposite of gentle or soft? Hard, intimidating, authoritative, whatever you come up with is an implicit judgment against the ones who do not follow this new method. I believe I was at least a fair mother, gentle when needed, strong and firm when needed. Yes, I made some mistakes; I can make you a list if you want. All parents make mistakes. We are not perfect. Funny how the ones I read about who want to criticize their parents, cannot for the life of themselves figure out any mistakes they have made. Something wrong with that mentality, I think. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone, John 8:7.
Second, "Gentle Parenting was not hammered out and defined by child development specialists, but by social media influencers" (FamilyMan.movember.com—I could not find an author, only the psychologists who reviewed it). "It hasn't gone through the same kind of testing and study as some of the more widely known approaches to parenting." If you don't have a problem with that, perhaps you should think twice about your judgment on anything else as well. If you truly want sound advice, look for a Christian couple who have successfully raised a family, not some nobody on social media who may or may not even believe in God.
One of the problems with this method is "it can cause parents stress and frustration" (Dr Cara Goodwin in separate articles.} It can be completely impractical. In every case of misbehavior the parent is to focus on the child and his assessment of why he did a particular thing. And in every hypothetical example of how to do this, the child always acquiesces. I'm sorry, but let's talk about real children and real situations and reactions. Suppose your child decides he does not want to wear socks today, but the school insists on it, perhaps as part of a school uniform. Do you really have time, early in the morning when everyone is preparing to go out for the day, to discuss this with him, trying to show him that it is reasonable, and gain his approval? And if you do, what if he still does not want to wear his socks? Sometimes you obey the rules "just because." I doubt the police officer who writes you a ticket will stand there and try to gain your acceptance in the matter. You can discuss when you can, but you will not always be able to, and when it comes down to brass tacks, he has to wear the socks if he attends that school whether he likes it or not. Every child needs to learn that concept or he will be in trouble big time someday.
Another problem with this method is that you may actually be rewarding bad behavior. Every time he screams or hits his brother or plays with the china figurine you told him to be gentle with, you are giving him the attention he wants. What does he learn? If I want Mama, just do something she doesn't like. You have reinforced that idea again and again.
Gentle parenting can easily become permissive parenting, which can be harmful to the child in the long run. One study (a real study now) showed that preschoolers that were raised with permissive parenting had less self-control and independence as teenagers (Also Dr Goodwin).
Gentle parenting can create a kid-centric family. While that may not sound bad, it really makes no sense at all. (See earlier post on April 25, 2025.) The marriage is the foundation of any home, and the adults are the ones who should be making the decisions and leading the way. They are the ones who are mature, experienced in life, and wiser certainly than any two—or ten--year old ever was. Yet too often this method means the kids run the house and the parents are afraid of their reaction when they must make a decision the children won't like. This is backwards, another caution issued by Dr. Goodwin.
This method talks about being "partners" with the child in his upbringing. No, we are not partners, which implies equality in knowledge, authority, and ability. God very specifically gave two roles here—parent and child (Eph 6:1ff, among many, many others). Children need the security of a person they know can and will provide and protect, as well as train. He needs to know that there is someone far more able than he is to take care of his problems and needs. Partner does not imply that, and neither does "friend."
And maybe the worst thing is that gentle parenting treats the child as an isolated unit, outside the context of family or community, meaning with no concern for how their behavior affects others. Let me camp here for a while. In the first place, the impracticality shows up again. Suppose your child smacks his brother in the head with one of their toys. Now you have a hurt child who is bleeding all over the place (scalp wounds are the worst) and a child who caused the hurt that you are now supposed to stop and discuss things with? How did you feel when you hit your brother? What do you think caused you to do this? How can we keep this from happening again? Meanwhile, your other child, who deserves all of your attention at the moment, is left hurting and ignored, has blood running into his eyes, and wonders, "What about me?" None of us is an "isolated unit." We all have some sort of community we interact with, even if it is just a small group of friends at school or kids in the neighborhood. A servant of the Lord is always concerned with how his behavior affects others. If nothing else, it's simple good manners, something else this method seems to ignore.
This is where I have the gravest doubts. How is this child supposed to learn self-control, self-denial, and putting the needs of others before himself, even his enemies, as Jesus taught? Or do these parents think that somehow all of this can wait until the child is grown? Really? I think I remember having "the golden rule" printed on my school ruler as a child. Everyone knew you learned these things as children so it would be ingrained by adulthood.
You aren't supposed to say no, this method says. God didn't have that problem. He put one big no-no right in the middle of the perfect place to live, Eden, and he said, "Do not eat of it or you will die." Another time, in the space of 17 verses he said some version of "no" eleven times (Ex 20:1-17). When their children heard the law, what do you think they heard but restriction after restriction? Yet God said, When your children ask you later on, What are the stipulations, statutes, and ordinances that the LORD our God commanded you? Deut 6:20, it was to be a teaching opportunity, not something that caused them anxiety. In fact, nearly every psychologist I have read says that children do best when they have clear cut boundaries. It may seem like restraint from one side, but from the other it represents security. Children with security (and routine, I might add) always do better. Of course we want to praise and encourage our children and not be constantly criticizing them. But just as certainly, God did not think it would ruin their spirits or stunt their emotional development to tell them no once in a while.
Two of God's servants turned out to be horrible fathers. God told them exactly what they did wrong when raising their children.
But the sons of Eli were wicked men. They did not acknowledge the LORD’s authority… Also, before they burned the fat the priest’s attendant would come and say to the person who was making the sacrifice, Give some meat for the priest to roast! He won’t accept boiled meat from you, but only raw. If the individual said to him, They should certainly burn the fat away first, then take for yourself whatever you wish, then he would say, No! Give it now! If not, I’ll take it by force! The sin of these young men was very great in the LORD’s sight, for they treated the LORD’s offering with contempt 1 Sam2: 12, 15-17. Eli tried to stop them when he heard what they were doing, but it was too late. What did God say about their father? He restrained them not 1 Sam 3:13. He didn't say, "No," when they were young, so when he tried with his now adult sons, they wouldn't listen. He didn't raise them to know that they could not do whatever they wanted to do, and since that was exactly what God meant for him to do as a father, his whole family lost the priesthood, 1 Sam 2:27-30, and he and his sons died.
David did much the same thing with Adonijah. Even though God had chosen Solomon to be the next king after David, Adonijah would have none of it. He rebelled, and even after Solomon showed him mercy and let him live, he wouldn't stop. He thought if he approached his kingship through the back door, he could finagle his way in. So he asked for Abishag, David's last concubine. Anyone schooled in the culture knows that a claim on the king's wife is a claim on the throne, and so he was dealt with accordingly--executed. And the problem once again began in childhood. Now his father had never corrected him saying, Why do you do such things? 1 Kgs 1:6.
Do not think for a minute that what they are learning now as they manipulate you (yes, they know how) that they will turn out to be wonderful servants of the Lord. Train up a child in the way he should go, the Proverb writer says. What you are teaching now is the way they will go when they grow up. If they are never restrained, if they never learn about authority, if they never learn concern for others, if they never learn plain old good manners, how can they ever understand what faces them in real life—that you don't always get what you want? In fact, the world doesn't care what they want. That will be far more traumatic to them then than a "No!" now. Not to mention the more important spiritual results. My husband, the probation officer, met far too many of them across the table from him, young people who grew up thinking they could do whatever they wanted to do because they always had, and found out the hard way that was not true.
Think of him who endured such opposition against himself by sinners, so that you may not grow weary in your souls and give up. You have not yet resisted to the point of bloodshed in your struggle against sin. And have you forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as sons? My son, do not scorn the Lord’s discipline or give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves and chastises every son he accepts. Endure your suffering as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline? But if you do not experience discipline, something all sons have shared in, then you are illegitimate and are not sons. Besides, we have experienced discipline from our earthly fathers and we respected them; shall we not submit ourselves all the more to the Father of spirits and receive life? For they disciplined us for a little while as seemed good to them, but he does so for our benefit, that we may share his holiness. Now all discipline seems painful at the time, not joyful. But later it produces the fruit of peace and righteousness for those trained by it Heb 12:3-11.
Dene Ward
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