I am sure that you have done it too, at least once in all these years, on a day when things were not going well and your heart was aching and your mind was in a whirl, you have said to yourself, "What was I thinking?"  About what, you ask?  About why you married that particular person.
            Some folks might say, "You weren't," thinking, that is.  But the truth is that you were.  You were thinking about how wonderful he was and all the sweet things he said and did when he was courting you.  That's all you were thinking about—the good, the overwhelming good, that wins someone's heart.
            And today, when you asked yourself that other question?  Well, today you were thinking about the bad, the frustrating, irritating, aggravating, thoughtless things he does, and you were dwelling on them over and over and over.
            No, it is not always that simple, but in many cases, when I see a woman crying because of a man, or a man stewing because of a woman, it is exactly that simple.  So today's short but simple lesson is this:  stop focusing on the bad, the things you don't like about him or her.  Start remembering the good things he does for you, the sweet remembrances, the kind gestures, the handpicked wildflowers and the cup of coffee before you get out of bed.  And remember, he sometimes asks himself that question too, so give him some good things to think about today.  I bet you both will feel better tonight.
 
​Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death; ardent love is as unrelenting as Sheol. Love’s flames are fiery flames — the fiercest of all. ​Mighty waters cannot extinguish love; rivers cannot sweep it away. If a man were to give all his wealth for love, it would be utterly scorned (Song 8:6-7).
 
Dene Ward
 

"That'll never happen."
            I have said that several times.  Sadly, I have been wrong far more often than I have been right.  Now I may never say it again.  I picked up the paper a few weeks ago and found these quotes:
            "The wish to be biologically related to one's children, like the wish to associate only within one's racial group, can have harmful effects," Rebecca Roache, senior lecturer in philosophy at the University of London.  Notice carefully what that says—it equates family love with racism.
            "A preference toward children one is biologically related to is morally illegitimate" and "a moral vice." Dr Ezio Di Nucci, University of Copenhagen.  Which says that loving your children is wrong, in fact, what we would call a sin.
            "A mother who undergoes a nine month pregnancy is likely to feel that the product of all that pain and discomfort belongs to her…But we want to destroy this possessiveness," Shulamith Firestone, a Canadian-American feminist, author, and activist.  Here we see that infants are not just fetuses before they are born, they are products afterward, products that should have no relationship to their mother.
            "The stewardship of fathers over their children cause[s] ongoing hurt in children…The state should endorse child custody agreements wherein a child can have more than two parents [and] they do not necessarily have to be his biological parents," Merav Michaeli, Israeli feminist, politician and television anchor.  In other words, the government should take all children at birth and choose "parents" for them.
            "We must explode notions of hereditary parentage" and work for the widespread "defeat of kinship," and "infants don't belong to anyone," Sophie Lewis, visiting scholar at the Alice Paul Center for Research on Gender, Sexuality, and Women at the University of Pennsylvania, author of Full Surrogacy Now:  Feminism against Family.*
            These people are just a few people in the movement to destroy the nuclear family.  "We are supposed to love everyone," they say, "not just family."  Of course we are, but tell me—where does a person learn love but in his family?  Where does he see examples of sacrificial love every day?  In his family, when a mother stays up all night to tend a sick child, when a father works two jobs to provide for his family, when parents work harder to give their children the things they need than they ever did for themselves.
            Far from thinking it "a moral vice," God ordained family when he ordained marriage in Genesis 1 and 2.  "Be fruitful and multiply."  He uses the natural love we feel in that relationship to teach us things.
                First, He shows us how He loves us by treating us like His children.
            Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you (Isa 49:15).
               As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you…(Isa 66:13).
             When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son…it was I who taught Ephraim to walk; I took them up by their arms…​I led them with cords of kindness, with the bands of love… (Hos 11:1,3-4).
            As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him (Ps 103:13).
            Who can miss the care and warmth in those passages?  Only someone who thinks the idea of family is bad and should be destroyed.
            God also uses family love to show us how to treat one another.  We may miss some of this because the word is often translated "house" or "household," but it is obvious that these passages are talking about family.  What did Joshua say?  "As for me and my house we will serve the Lord," and he certainly didn't meant the domicile he lived in when he said it.
            So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God (Eph 2:19).
            So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith (Gal 6:10).
            Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has been born of God, and everyone who loves the Father loves whoever has been born of him (1John 5:1).
            Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers (1Tim 5:1).
            Those who have believing masters must not be disrespectful on the ground that they are brothers…Teach and urge these things (1Tim 6:2).
            I could go on and on with passages in which the epistle writers call Christians "brothers."  I think I counted 56 and I am sure I missed a few.  God clearly wanted us to treat one another like "family."  That means He meant for those natural feelings to exist—He created them--and they are not a "moral vice."  In fact, "without natural affection" is included in that list of heinous sins in Romans 1:28-32.  Someone has things terribly turned around.
            These things are out there, folks, regardless my naïve assumption or perhaps yours, that it can't happen.  If you have children or grandchildren in the public schools, please, please check things out, not just once, but often.  I went to the schools once a month to do exactly that, even though we were certain we had found a God-fearing county to live in.  That was over 20 years ago.  Look how quickly things are changing now.  Your children are being indoctrinated with it.  Don't let it happen on your watch!
 
For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one source. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers (Heb 2:11).
 
Dene Ward

* I found all of these quotes in an article by Kimberly Ells in The Epoch Times, September 22-29, 2021 issue.

A long, long time ago as I sat in the car with my two little boys, waiting for their father to lock up the house before we left that morning, one of them, whose name will remain unmentioned, said, "I can't wait to be the Daddy.  Then I will get to do whatever I want!"  Teaching moment, I instantly thought, and proceeded to use it.
            "You know, Daddies really don't get to do whatever they want."
            "They don't?" he asked in a skeptical little voice.
            "Well, for example, when the weather turns cold in the middle of the night and we all curl up under the blankets in our beds staying warm, who gets up in the cold, shivers while he builds a fire in the wood stove, then stays up the half hour it takes to get it going and finally turned down before he can go back to bed?"
            "Daddy," he said a bit reluctantly, but I could tell he still hadn't gotten my point.
            "And who, when it's pouring down rain at church time, drops us off under the cover, then parks the car and runs through the rain getting all wet and cold?"
            "Daddy," not quite so loudly and with a slightly bowed head. 
            "And who is the one who never gets a Saturday off to watch cartoons like you do, but works to chop more wood so we can stay warm and works in the garden so we can eat?"
            An even softer, "Daddy."  He had finally gotten it, but just to make sure--
            "Daddies have to do whatever is the best thing to take care of their families, whether it's what they want to do or not."  Silence reigned in the car until Keith finally got in, and I never heard another thing about wanting to be the Daddy.
            What he was too young to understand was perhaps the most important thing.  When you are the head, the buck stops with you. 
            President Harry Truman was famous for having a sign on his desk that read, "The buck stops here."  He was referring to the old phrase about "passing the buck," which meant passing on the responsibility.  He knew that as President, he couldn't do that—he was the highest in the chain of command so he was responsible, no matter what happened or who else goofed.  In the home, it works the same way.  If the Father is the head of the house, he is also responsible for everything that goes on in that house.  A lot of men want to "pass the buck," blaming the mother, the schools, the church, society in general.  But God says, "Fathers…bring them up…"  The father may delegate a lot of the responsibility to the mother, but it is still up to him to make sure the job is being done and to help however he can.  He is the one God will call to account because he is the head—the buck stops with him in the home.  In the same way, in the church, the buck stops with the elders.  They will answer for every soul under their headship (Heb 13:17).
            Anyone who thinks headship is about getting to do whatever you want has the same problem as a six year old boy I used to know.  Too much self-centeredness and not enough maturity, even if you are forty years old or more.  That little boy eventually figured it out.  I sure hope those others do before the buck stops with them on Judgment Day.
 
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (Heb 12:5-11).
 
Dene Ward

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name…
 
            Most of the people I know begin their prayers addressing God as Father.  If you think about what you pray, that word “Father” should color your whole life.  To a Jew the father was the authority figure in the home.  His word was law, and the family obeyed.
            For I have chosen [Abraham], that he may command his children and his household after him…Gen 18:19.
            He said to them, “Take to heart all the words by which I am warning you today, that you may command them to your children, that they may be careful to do all the words of this law, Deut 32:46.
            Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the  discipline and instruction of the Lord, Eph 6:4.
            One who manages his own household competently, having his children under control with all dignity, 1Tim 3:4.
            Yes, a father is more than an authority figure, but these passages show us that is an important part of his role.  This is what bothers me:  our culture is doing its best to remove that part of the job from the father.  How many strong fathers do you see depicted on television?  Most of them, if any, are on the classic channels or old movies.  Today’s TV father is hardly more than an incompetent buffoon.
            Understanding authority is basic to understanding submission, a hallmark of discipleship.  Even more important, understanding authority means you will be less likely to err in your relationship with God.  God meant that the father in the family be one way the children were to learn about that Ultimate Authority.  Know then in your heart that, as a man disciplines his son, the LORD your God disciplines you, Deut 8:5.  Fathers, when you do not live up to the role God has put you in, acting as the authority figure who must be obeyed, who controls and disciplines, who raises up his children, you are responsible for any misunderstanding your child may have about what he can get away with in his relationship to God.
            When you tell him to do something and then do not punish him for disobeying you, you are telling him he can get away with disobeying God.
            When you allow her to wrap you around her finger and get whatever she wants, you are teaching her that God will let her do it her way too, even if it isn’t His way.
            When you allow them to sass you, to talk back or otherwise disrespect you, you are telling them it’s just fine to treat God that way.
            When your children get older, they will disregard plain commands in the Bible.  They will say things like, “But God wouldn’t mind if I…”  They will believe they can finagle their way out of Hell on Judgment Day because they finagled their way out of any orders you gave them, or because you were too weak to make a stand, or because you were afraid they wouldn’t love you, or any number of other excuses you might make. 
           They can blame it all on you and what you taught them about a Father’s role, and they will be right, but it won’t help either of you in the end.
          Maybe it even says a little bit about how YOU perceive your Father in Heaven.
           If you have a father who has taught you these things, be sure to say thank you this coming Sunday.
 
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it, Heb 12:7-11.
 
Dene Ward

You know the story so I won’t go into much detail here.  Pharaoh had ordered the Hebrew baby boys killed and one mother had enough faith to put her infant into a lovingly woven and waterproofed basket and set it afloat in the Nile River.  Pharaoh’s daughter came to the river to bathe and found him, and his alert and very smart big sister offered to get him a Hebrew nurse—one who just happened to be his mother.
            And so Moses was raised by two mothers.  Jochebed kept him close to her those first years, probably as many as five to eight, before she weaned him.  But nursing was not all she did.  She taught him who he was, who his people were, and who his God was.  She did an amazing job.  In those few years she made him strong enough to stand against the temptations of wealth the like of which we have probably never seen.  And that wealth was not just contrasted with poverty, but with some of the most oppressive slavery imaginable. 
            After that, Moses lived in the palace with his “foster” mother for thirty years or more.  She undoubtedly lavished him with luxury and provided him with one of the best secular educations of the time.  Just look at the pyramids if you think those people were ignorant.  He became so much an Egyptian that he even looked like one (Ex 2:19).
            So here is our point today:  Which mother am I?  Do I check on their schoolwork, but never make sure their Bible lessons are done?  Do I even know if they have their lesson book and Bible with them when we leave the house Sunday morning?  Do I teach them how to make a budget and live within their means, but never teach them how to make time for prayer and Bible study?  Do I make sure they get to school but actually give them a choice about whether they go to church or not?  Do I teach them the social etiquette of what to wear at which occasion but never teach them about modesty?  Do I teach them the Bill of Rights but never talk about giving up those rights for the sake of the gospel and peoples’ souls?  Do I teach them to save for their financial security but never teach how to keep their souls secure?
            Your child knows what you think is most important.  He will take his cue from you.  Are you a Pharaoh’s daughter or a Jochebed?
 
By faith Moses, when he was grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter; choosing rather to share ill treatment with the people of God, than to enjoy the pleasures of sin for a season; accounting the reproach of Christ greater riches than the treasures of Egypt: for he looked unto the recompense of reward. Heb 11:24-26
 
Dene Ward

We have actually had a bit of winter this year, including several frosts, a good hard freeze, and a winter storm that knocked out the power from 3:00 pm Christmas Eve until about that time Christmas Day.  It worked out well that we had gone to Tampa to be with the kids.  If everyone had come up here, I don't even want to think about 7 people with no running water, no heat, and especially no Christmas dinner!
            But the cold means we have really enjoyed our morning fires and that last cup of steaming coffee.  The smell of wood smoke and the crisp air that nips your nose and chaps your legs even through pants make them all that more enjoyable.  And despite that cold we seem to sit even longer while our cheeks turn red from the heat of the flames as, conversely, our toes slowly freeze into ice cubes inside our socks.  Chloe has even perked up, despite turning 14 this winter and feeling the effects of both arthritis and cataracts.  So between tossing her treats and guzzling the warm dark liquid, we talk.
            And talk and talk and talk—sometimes as much as an hour.  Many a good teaching technique and blog post have come to mind as we bounce ideas off one another.  I ask for help with studies that are more in Keith's area and he asks for help for those I might possibly know more about—which is certainly not many.  Together we hope that our resulting classes are easier for others to listen to and absorb.  Isn't that what Christian couples are supposed to do? 
I            In our earlier years, when sitting by the fire for a cup of coffee was only a Saturday event due to work and children, we also talked about child raising.  As a stay-at-home mom with a home-based music studio, I could watch firsthand our boys' progress, could see any problems that might be developing in their characters, and could then pass that on to Keith so we could brainstorm ideas for correcting those things.  I could correct immediate things and then report to their father what happened.  The father is the spiritual leader of the home and more often than not must delegate some of that authority to the mother because she is with the children more hours than he.  So our talks often centered around the spiritual atmosphere of our home then, but we did talk, even if it meant waiting until the little guys were in bed.  Isn't that what Christian couples are supposed to do?
            We share any problems we have with others and ask one another for advice.  We share experiences and look for support.  We share memories and build our love.  Isn't that what Christian couples are supposed to do?
            Sometimes I wonder how many out there actually do these things.  More than once I have mentioned something to one spouse, knowing the other already knew about it, only to have that spouse say, "What are you talking about?" because the information had not been shared.  If somehow these two do have time together, what do they talk about?  Do spiritual things matter at all, or is it just the mundane?  Do they ever work on building their faith, share a Biblical discovery, make a plan for how to serve others that week, or schedule some family time?  Do they ever sit and just have a good discussion about a Bible topic, with neither one allowed to get upset if he is disagreed with?  Aren't Christian couples supposed to do those kinds of things?
           If you are dating a young man and find that you cannot talk about spiritual things, maybe you should take a second look.  You should certainly talk about how your living will be made, where you will live, and how you will raise your children.  Those can have spiritual ramifications—but if you are only talking about the standard of living you expect, about the number of children you want and your worldly ambitions for them while your hopes for their spiritual destiny never enters the conversation, something is out of whack.  Marrying a man who has no interest in spiritual things at all, who, if he attends services at all, sits there bored with the sermon, never sings a hymn, and gets impatient if you want to attend a women's study, will be the worst mistake of your life.
            If you are both Christians and you have never had conversations like those we have mentioned, now is the time to start.  It may not be too late to make a difference in your marriage and in the lives of your children.  At this point, you will probably need to plan it—make it part of a date night if it takes that, and do it just like any other important appointment you keep no matter what.  It is important.  More than you ever imagined.
 
For they that are after the flesh mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit (Rom 8:5).
 
Dene Ward
             

Keith and I teach a class called Preparation for Marriage and Parenting.  Below are a few comments we throw in during these classes that are not in the lesson book we compiled, but which probably ought to be.  For what they are worth…
 
            Headship is not about getting to do whatever you want to do.  It is about carefully considering the needs of the entire family and doing what is best for them, whether it is what you want to do or not.
            Any woman who has difficulties with subjection has difficulties with being a Christian.  Submission is what being a disciple of Christ is all about.
            A man who makes subjection difficult for his wife might as well get himself sized for a millstone.
            There are many different ways to handle problems in a marriage.  The first and most important thing you should do is make up your minds that you will make it through this.  Never keep a divorce lawyer on your speed dial.
            It doesn’t matter whether you understand women or not.  It doesn’t matter whether you understand men or not.  What matters is understanding that your spouse does not think like you do.
            If you ladies are going to use your hormones as an excuse for bad behavior, then you should allow your husband to use male hormones as an excuse for his.
            Marriage is a high maintenance relationship.  As soon as you start neglecting it, it will go downhill.
            Spouses who do not communicate well and on a regular basis will soon be total strangers.
            Letting her talk is useless if you don’t listen.
            Your children are not your own.  They are merely souls God has given into your care, and He expects them to be returned in good shape.
            You are teaching your children whether you intend to or not.  What textbook are you using?  Look in the mirror.
            Make no mistake about it—you are waging a war with your toddlers, which you should win before they reach school age.  Any time you “give in,” you have lost a battle and retaking that territory will take twice as long at twice the cost to your relationship with your child.
            Too many parents don’t train their children, their children train them.
            A father who won’t change dirty diapers probably won’t be much use to his children when the messes of life afflict them either.
            If you tell your child, “If you do that again, I am going to _________ you,” and then don’t ______them when they do it again, you have lied to your child.
            Don’t tell me that a child is too young to comprehend punishment before the age of 2.  My child is smarter than any puppy dog I ever saw.  So is yours.
            Raising kids is hard work.  Our society and its children are suffering from parents who were either too lazy or too selfish to do the job right.
 
            Gleaning in the field sometimes gives you choice produce that was simply overlooked.  Other times there is a reason it was left there.  So this morning choose from the list and take what is most helpful.
 
Except Jehovah build the house they labor in vain that build it…Lo, children are a heritage of Jehovah, and the fruit of the womb is his reward.  As arrows in the hand of a mighty man, so are the children of youth.  Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; they shall not be put to shame when they speak with their enemies in the gate, Psalm 127:1, 3-5.
           
Dene Ward

We did Lamaze just like all the other young couples when we had our boys.  But things did not work out quite like they were supposed to.  Something in the structure of my hips kept my babies from turning over facedown.  They were head down, not breach, but face up is a similar problem.  "Sunny side up," the OB nurses called it, so their little necks could not bend far enough to make that last curve and the first delivery was far more traumatic than it should have been.  Eventually the old country doctor we had in the cornfields of Illinois just yanked Lucas out with "high forceps."  By the time Nathan was born we were in a larger city and the doctor there, when confronted with the same problem, refused to do something so "barbaric."  "We don't do that here," he told me.  But I was fully dilated and ready to deliver so we had an emergency C-section. 
            Either way meant I did not have that first little cuddle with a newborn.  I was still under anesthesia with Nathan, and Lucas had been stuck in the birth canal so long his heartbeat was slowing and he needed extra care.  Finally about 4 hours after Lucas was born, I sat up gingerly on the side of the bed and they brought my newborn and placed him in my arms.  Of course he was precious and I loved him instantly, but the first thing I saw were his eyes.  They looked exactly like mine and I nearly cried.
            If you have been with me awhile, you know the eye saga.  I have so many rare conditions based primarily on the size and shape of my eyes that I have been told it's a wonder I got past 20 without losing my vision entirely.  And there he was, with exactly the same almond shaped eyes.  My eye doctor at the time insisted I take him in at six months and he examined him as well as you can a baby that size.  When he smiled and said, "He's just fine," I wanted to laugh and cry and do a jig all at the same time.  He may look like me, but down inside the workings of those eyeballs, he is not the same at all.  Praise God!
            But here is something we should all wonder:  what other things has my child inherited from me?  Not sin, of course.  We won't even argue that today.  But all of us have seen children grow up to act just like their parents.  Sometimes they take a tiny little flaw and take it to its logical and much larger end.  "How can you act that way?" parents will often say, and then cringe in horror as their children tell them.  We may have an unwritten line we will never cross.  They see the line for what it is—hypocrisy—and march right over it.
            It's fun to see ourselves in old photos of our parents, or even our ancestors from way back.  Every photo of my father as a child shows him crossing his feet, even in a high chair.  I did it as well, in every picture my mother had of me.  Lucas did not, but Nathan did, and now both of my grandsons, Nathan's sons, have done it.  But there are far more important things to look for, some we want to see and some we don't.  Look at your children and grandchildren today.  Watch them, train them.  That's what God expects of us.  He wants us all laughing, crying, and doing a jig on judgment day when we see those precious souls inherit a home in Heaven, despite their ancestors' flaws, including ours.
 
Give ear, O my people, to my law: Incline your ears to the words of my mouth. I will open my mouth in a parable; I will utter dark sayings of old, Which we have heard and known, And our fathers have told us. We will not hide them from their children, Telling to the generation to come the praises of Jehovah, And his strength, and his wondrous works that he hath done. For he established a testimony in Jacob, And appointed a law in Israel, Which he commanded our fathers, That they should make them known to their children; That the generation to come might know them, even the children that should be born; Who should arise and tell them to their children, That they might set their hope in God, And not forget the works of God, But keep his commandments, (Ps 78:1-7).
 
Dene Ward

We talked a few days ago about that difficult conversation you must have with your spouse—about how he wants to be cared for should he become unable to make those decisions himself, about what treatments he does and does not want, and even about the handling of his physical tabernacle after he is called home.  It is not an easy subject and the longer you wait the more difficult it will become.  But God expects this of a wife who "does him good and not evil all the days or her life.”
            A few have asked and yes, we have had that conversation.  At this point it is still just a “someday” so it was relatively easy.  We even managed a joke or two to relieve the tension.   Another ten years and that might not have been the case.  Give yourselves the same gift.
            There is another conversation you need to have, the one with your parents.
            First we are going to presume that those who bother to read this already understand their obligation to their parents and are willing to take care of it.  Jesus seemed to presume that God’s people understood that responsibility himself (Mark 7:9-13).
            The difficult thing in this case is recognizing the time when the roles have made a complete reversal, when you might need to make the decisions for your parents instead of allowing them to make them.  It will not be easy.  They may even resent it.  But think about this:  at one point in your life, they made all the decisions for you and many of them were difficult.  You ought to know from your own parenting experience that children change your life and your schedule, that they become the first and last things on your mind day and night, that you sometimes cry long and hard as you decide to do things you know they need but will not like, and that may even effect your relationship with them.  It comes with the job.  That’s what parental responsibility is.
            Now take every one of those things and turn it toward your care for your elderly parents.  It may change your life, your schedule and your priorities.  That’s the way it is and as it should be—you did the same thing to them the day you cried your first lusty little cry.  You may have to give up parts of your life for them—just the way they gave up things to raise you.  And you may need to go against their wishes for their own good, even if it makes them angry.  That is NOT disrespecting your parents.  That is taking on the responsibility of their care.
            A few suggestions.  If your parent is the independent sort, you may need to be the one who says, “You can’t live alone any longer.”  She may beg you not to take her into your home or put her into assisted living or whatever option is best, but if her balance is poor, if she can no longer see to her basic needs, if her mind is not clear enough to take her medications properly, then it may just be that difficult time.  It is not a sign of respect to allow her to live in filth because she can no longer clean up after herself—it is actually a danger to her health and the ultimate indignity.  If she falls easily, who will be there to call for help, or will she lie there for hours until you come to make your regular check on her?  If she cannot cook any longer, how will she get the proper nutrition?  Would your parents have allowed any of that to happen to you as a child?  Then why would you allow it to happen to them and call it “respecting their wishes?”
            Go to her doctor’s appointments and find out exactly what the doctor says, not what she reports that he has said.  She may forget something or simply get the information wrong due to an unclear mind.  AND TELL THE DOCTOR EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING AT HOME.  He may make a decision based on seeing her for a five or ten minute appointment that would be completely different if he talked to her for twenty or thirty minutes.  You need to tell him if she doesn’t take her medicine as he prescribes.  You need to tell him if she repeats the same thing every thirty minutes.  He needs to hear that she can no longer perform simple tasks like putting toothpaste on her toothbrush or deciding whether she needs a spoon or a fork to eat soup.  You are not tattling—that’s a playground term.  You are taking on the responsibility God expects of you to care for a parent, and you are doing it even when it might cost you that parent’s goodwill for a while.  Someone has to be the adult when she no longer can be, and that someone is you.
            Get a list of her medications.  What will happen if you make an emergency run to the hospital and you cannot tell them what she is taking?  If she is unable to do so, the proper care may be delayed or the wrong care may result in disaster because no one had that information.
            So talk about it now.  Ask her (or him) if, when the time comes, she might like to live with you or another sibling, or whether she would prefer assisted living.  And recognize that things can change.  My grandmother lived 98 years.  By the time she needed that care, my father was ill and my mother was his caregiver 24/7.  She could not take her mother in, too, so assisted living was the only way to go.  When the time came for my mother, we lived way out in the country where she would have no visitors and no place to walk for exercise on uneven ground, plus a home with steps and doors too narrow for her walker to fit through, and where her doctor and the nearest hospital was nearly 30 miles away.  We could not afford to move and the doctor said she needed to be close to him.  So, once again, assisted living was the answer.  She was not left alone.  We saw her between 1 and 3 times a week, took her to all her appointments, had her out to our house for every holiday and many times for a meal in between, and called every day we were not there.  Our church family was marvelous about visiting, and even taking her out for lunch.  Of course, she was a pretty marvelous person to visit with too.
            Talk about possibilities now, before the decisions are hard. The longer you wait, the more heartbreaking it will be.  And since when has God ever accepted ignorance as an excuse? 
 
But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God, 1Tim 5:4.
 
Dene Ward