A father who won’t change dirty diapers probably won’t be much use to his children when the messes of life afflict them either. 

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Eph 6:4)

Keith Ward

I am sitting here on the back porch of my children's new home, less than ten miles from the place I spent most of my remembered childhood.  Funny how the memories come flooding back.
 
             The sun seems much brighter here than in north central Florida, where I have spent the majority of my married life.  This may be only 120 miles further south toward the tropics, but I can barely stand to even look out the window without sunglasses on down here.  I remember that bright sun reflecting off the pavement wherever we went.  It almost made you wish for black tar roads—until you tried stepping on those barefoot and came away with something much worse than a sunburn.

              The spring breezes down here are cool and pleasant, but without that underlying chill that demands a sweater at the ready just that little bit further north.  We reveled in those almost perfect days when I was young because all too soon they were gone. 

           The summer heat is still that brutal slam when you step outside, but even so much closer to the coast here in Tampa, the humidity is less than that smothering blanket in the northern interior.  I don't ever recall having to deal with pouring sweat at 8 am.  As a child, I never felt like I might drown if I took too deep a breath!

              And the clockwork arrival of a summer afternoon thunderstorm every day, usually at 4:00.  Gray clouds nearly as dark as night, lightning streaking across the sky, thunder like an explosion, winds that increased 20 or 30 mph and temperatures that dropped twenty degrees in mere minutes, followed by a deluge that had traffic pulling off the road to wait it out, and those unfortunate souls caught outside, drenched in only a few seconds.

              I remember all these things from a childhood of walking three blocks to and from the bus stop, standing outside the locked school doors waiting after the bus had dropped us off and returned for a second route, raking up lawn clippings after my daddy mowed the yard, and swimming at a friend's "lake house."  The feel of this place hasn't changed a bit.

              But the details?  The traffic is thicker and louder.  The outlying areas, including the trailer park where we spent our first year of marriage five miles "out of town," are more densely populated and congested.  What used to be pastureland or strawberry and tomato farms is now subdivision after subdivision, "walled off" from the highway by a white board fence.  As Thomas Wolfe said, "You can't go home again," but really, you can, if your memories are strong, if you can sit still and think and feel all those things from so long ago.  That part hasn't changed a bit.

              I find myself remembering my early years more and more lately.  As good friends, some older but some exactly my age, pass on, those memories wake you up to what is really important.  Now I can look back and realize that I had a great childhood. 

             No, it wasn't perfect.  No, my parents did not do everything exactly right.  Neither did I as a parent.  But I am so grateful to them for teaching me right from wrong and respect for authority, for demanding I take responsibility for the things I said and did, for showing me how to keep on working until the task is done, for refusing to give in to pain, belittling comments from worldly acquaintances, and debilitating disease, but to keep on plugging for the Lord as long as you can draw a breath. 

            I am grateful that they made me go to church, do my homework, and even brush my teeth and clean my room.  I love that they taught me to treat honesty as a lifestyle instead of a sometime convenience, and that I learned from them how to manage both my time and my money.  I am grateful that I saw them respect others' opinions rather than running them down for doing things differently than they did and that they never thought the rules, even the unspoken ones, were for everyone else.  I was more than blessed in the age and place I grew up in to have parents who taught me to be color blind and to glorify God whenever an opportunity came to teach and/or help those who were different from us, and for showing me the examples of kindness and generosity, especially to the innocent and needy.  And most of all, I am indebted to them for raising me to be a God-fearing, obedient servant of the Lord.  I hate to think what my life would be like otherwise.

              And then—what my children's lives would be like otherwise, and my grandchildren's.  Don't ever think that what you view as a dull, routine life did not matter.  Your children and your grandchildren and, should you live that long, your great-grandchildren will carry the memories you helped them make.  It is gratifying that my grandchildren will have memories a whole lot like mine, based not only on where they live, but how they live. 

            And it all started generations before them with simple people struggling through as best they could and, we hope, will continue on for generations to come.
 
As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more.  But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children, to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments. (Ps 103:15-18)

Dene Ward

Today's post is by guest writer Keith Ward.

Then the man said,
“This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.”
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh (Gen 2:23-24).

The stated reason that a man is to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife is that she is bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh.  Such closeness does not come with the pronouncement of vows or a simple change of address.  Paul says a man never hates his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it as Christ does the church.  We are members of Christ's body, bone of his bones, and nourished and cherished by him.  What limits did Christ put on caring for his body, the church?  What need of his bride goes unmet?  Being head requires the love that motivates a husband to do all, not "all he can" but "all" to provide his wife's needs.

Christ's purpose toward his bride was to present the church to himself "not having spot or wrinkle" and becoming "holy and without blemish."  A husband's considered goal must be to nourish his bride into becoming that kind of wife.  The church requires liberal applications of washing with the word to become a present to Christ.  Most brides need nourishing and cherishing to transform them into the wife that is a glorious present to her husband.  Young husbands are not even being taught that they ought to be doing this much less, how to do it.  And, for the most part, the older men have focused only on being providers of the physical necessities and so, have zero experience in this area to pass on about the true meaning of nourishing and cherishing a woman.  [Clue, it takes more than candy on Valentine's Day and roses on your anniversary.]

If a house and a sufficient food supply feeds and warms the outward person, then what feeds a woman's character, her soul?  A man belonging to God must think about this in order to be the head God appointed him to be.  Providing physical needs is the easiest part, even during hard times.  What does your woman need in order to develop mentally, for her character to grow?  Maybe she has been protected and needs to learn to live in the real world; maybe her biblical knowledge is less than it ought to be; maybe she is still too much a child to be raising children.  Add to this, what are the husband's goals.  What if, for example, he hopes to be an elder?  Then what must she become to stand beside him?  

We quickly conclude that every man must develop a plan for them to grow together, to become one.  And, here I must confess that I failed.  We did not have a plan.  We just stumbled along with a Godward attitude and bounced around with a lot of bruises and somehow got better.  OH…. but how much better could we have become had someone shown me the need to develop a concrete plan for our one-ness to grow—bone of my bone, heart of my heart?  It could have been so much more, so much sooner.  Here are a couple of suggestions.

First, plans have to be flexible.  When you marry, you do not know so very much about each other after all.  Then, she will change: bride to wife, mother, empty nester, grandmother; children's teacher to women's Bible Class teacher, teacher's wife, deacon's wife, elder's wife.  Planning for each stage will be different and require Bible study together and practical discussions.

Next, plans must be realistic about her shortcomings and yours, and how you will work toward fixing these problems.  Books and preachers and elders can help, but the husband needs true wisdom to translate that information to meet their personal needs.  This is his duty as head.

Every woman needs emotional warming.  When she is upset about something, just hold her.  Don't formulate a solution, just hold her.  Listen.  Don't tell her how to fix it; [she knows] just listen.  And, then, hold her.  

She needs emotional feeding.  Compliment her.  Tell others how happy you are that she____________.   Encourage her.  Reward her.  There are things she needs that you will never understand.  Your job does not require understanding why, just understanding that she needs these things and giving them to her.
Whoso finds a wife finds a good thing.  But, not all married women are wives as defined in this proverb.  Good wives are born of nourishing and cherishing by good husbands who are determined to fulfill their role as Christ did for the church.

Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are unreasonable. (1Pet 2:18).
 
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, (1Pet 3:1).

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. (1Pet 3:7).

Keith Ward
 

I find Job to be one of the most perplexing books in the Bible.  After trying many years to understand it, I have come up with this:  the book of Job does not answer the question of why bad things happen to good people; it is merely God saying, “You do not need to know why.  You just need to trust me no matter what.”
 
           We all know the story.  In an attempt to make Job renounce God, Satan took away every good thing in his life.  What did he lose?  Seven sons, three daughters, seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, five hundred female donkeys (remember, wealth was measured mainly by livestock in the patriarchal times), many servants, standing in the community, and even his health.  About the only things he didn’t lose were his house (42:11), his wife, and his closest friends--if you can call them that.  In fact, when you think about it, Satan probably knew those people would be a help in his own cause, and that is why he left them.  He certainly would not have left Job with a support system if he could have helped it.

            And that brings us to Mrs. Job.  Now let’s be fair.  When Job lost everything, so did she.  And as I have grown older I have learned to be very careful about judging people who are going through any sort of traumatic experience. 

            Keith and I have been through a lot together.  I have had to take food off my plate and put it on my children’s plates because they were still hungry and there was no more.  We have dug ditches next to each other in a driving rainstorm to keep our house from washing away.  I have held a convulsing child as he drove 90 mph to the emergency room thirty miles away.  We have carried all the water we used in the house back and forth for a month because the well collapsed and we could not afford to repair it.  I have bandaged the bullet wounds he sustained as a law enforcement officer.  We have both endured threats on our lives and scary medical procedures.  But all that happened over a period of forty years, not in one day.  And never have I lost a child, much less all of them.  What I would do if I were Mrs. Job, I do not know.  What I should do is easy to say, but however glibly it rolls off my tongue, that does not mean I would have the strength to do it. 

            She was suffering just as much as her husband.  But somehow, Job hung on, while his wife let her grief consume her.  Job actually lost his wife in an even more painful way than death because she failed the test of faith.

            So what happened to her afterward?  Job did have a wife or he would not have had more children (42:13).  Without further evidence to the contrary, the logical assumption is that it was the same wife.  Since they had a continuing relationship perhaps he is the one who helped her, and she repented both of her failure to be a “helper suitable” and of her faithlessness.

            So what should we learn about sharing grief as a couple?  What I hope we would all do when grief and suffering assail our homes is support one another.  The thing that Job did not have from anyone is the thing that should make all single people desire a good marriage:  support and help.  Troubles should pull us together, not tear us apart.  What I cannot lift by myself, I can with help. Sometimes he is the reason she makes it over a personal hill and other times she is his light to make it through the dark places, and that is how God intended it.

            Now here is the question for each of us.  If Satan were going to test my spouse, would he take me, or leave me?
 
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor.  For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow, but woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up.  Again, if two lie together, then they have warmth, but how can one be warm alone?  Eccl 4:9-11
 
Dene Ward

A continuing series by guest writer Keith Ward.

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Gen 2:24). 

Though we often use the word, "cleave," in our wedding ceremonies, elsewhere in our times it is mainly used of a meat cleaver that cuts things apart.  Certainly not what God intended by Moses' inspired comment!  The Hebrew word means to cling but few translations use that and also have the true meaning of "one flesh."  The word for cleave also means "adhere," in our vernacular, "stick like glue" or to "cling like Velcro."  Obviously God intends that the husband hold the woman fast to him in a special way that is unique, different from any other relationship.

Unquestionably, God intends "one flesh" to be a full-time occupation and it is the man's primary responsibility.   "What God joined together" stays together though geography separates the couple by hundreds of miles.  The importance of developing this relationship is emphasized by the use of the same word in the same way in the Shema, "Hear, O Israel: Jehovah our God is one Jehovah" (Deut 6:4).  Though we understand that God is three persons, He is ONE.  In the same way, the husband is to leave all else to make himself one with his wife.  Perhaps God intended this relationship as it approaches its ideal to teach us about Him.  If so, treating it casually reflects our disdain for God.
 
Becoming one first requires leaving. Moses refers to "father and mother" as the ultimate that a man must put behind him. They were the first people he knew and the first and primary relationship in his life. Again, geography has little to do with leaving and especially in that society where generations of extended family lived together. Jacob was probably not the first "Mama's boy" and he certainly has not been the last. Not only must he leave, the husband must act so decisively that his wife is confident of her primacy. "The way Mama did it" and large amounts of time spent with his family with or without the wife indicate a failure to leave. He must never allow his parents to criticize his wife even if that requires strong measures. I often tell Dene that she is my "only."  My actions prove that is not just "sweet nothings."
 
Parents are not the only obstruction to leaving and cleaving. Many men I have worked with spent more time hunting and fishing with their buddies than they spent with their wives. Hobbies can be wonderful and useful to a man's character, but when they regularly occupy more time than she does, the wife is justified in feeling that she is nothing more than a cook and a sex object to him. Couples who both work outside the home and for whom household chores occupy much of their time together must make special effort to keep their relationship strong. The fact is that they both spend more time with and have more conversation with co-workers than they do with one another. Children become another separator. If care is not taken, time will pass and no glue will remain to adhere them to one another; occasional sex will become the only sense of "one flesh" that remains.
 
Oneness must be nurtured with care—make mutual decisions about everything: where to live, whether to take a promotion, where to worship, the standards and rules to apply to raising children, whether she works outside the home and the division of labor for the housework. What others think does not matter. Otherwise, you neither left nor are you cleaving. A husband demonstrates commitment to his wife by never even thinking about flirting with another woman and the wife should see this and have this confidence. He must never criticize her to others, and care must be taken to not fight in front of the children. Not only must he not criticize, he must not allow others to criticize her in his presence. I should not have to say that women never appreciate male humor and she is well aware that "many a truth is spoken in jest. Don't. Just Don't.
 
Timothy was likely in his forties when Paul admonished, "flee youthful passions" (2Tim2:22). If he was not speaking of "midlife crises" than application certainly exists. Men begin to realize their dreams conceived in youthful idealism will never happen and they go wild in pursuit of youthful fancies. Observation leads me to believe that well over half of all Corvettes are owned by men over 40 which is also true for Harley motorcycles. "Arm candy" for gray headed men has spawned a major industry in Viagra and Cialis. Leaving and cleaving and one flesh are left in Satan's dust as husbands think of little but Self.
 
Many married couples have lived together for years in various residences and are no more married than the shacked-up couple who sees no need for a legal piece of paper to validate their relationship. The unmarried couple has a point, a piece of paper does not make a couple married in the sense God intends—He must leave and cleave, she must submit, he must dwell with her according to knowledge, he must love her as Christ loved the church, he is to lead and he is to nourish and cherish her. Notice how heavily these foundations of marriage are weighted toward the husband—this is the responsibility of being head. "Head" is not a right. If theirs is not a marriage that emulates the relationship among the Godhood, then the failure is his.
 
Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are unreasonable. (1Pet 2:18).

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, (1Pet 3:1).

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. (1Pet 3:7).
 
Keith Ward

Part 3 in the series by guest writer Keith Ward.  The other 2 parts can be found in the archives on Jan 30, 2019, and Dec 31, 2018, always the last Monday of the month.

Paul addresses the issue of yieldingness in this sequence: wives, husbands, children, fathers, servants, masters (Eph 5:21-6:9).   No one has the right of way.   Peter's list is shorter:  servants, wives, husbands (1Pet 2:18-3:7).   But, Peter adds an intensifier to both the command to the wife and that to the husband, "In the same way."  Our first question must be, "In the same way as what?"

If you have read the text quoted at the end of each of the devotionals in this series and noticed the emphasis, you know that a wife is to submit to her husband just as the servant is to submit to the unreasonable master and consequently, the husband is to live with the wife in an understanding way and honor her in the same manner as the wife and servant perform their obligations—whether she is good or bad, sweet or a terror. 

The older translations say that the servant must be in subjection not only to the good and gentle master, but also to the "froward."  A strange word that really underlines the extent of one's subjection.   Satan answered God that he had been "going to and fro in the earth" (Job 1:7 KJV).   I have been blessed with supervisors who were "to-ward" me and getting the job done.  I have been cursed with a few that were opposite or "fro-ward" in their attitude about me.   My obligation before God to both types is to submit.   We men tend to find this much easier to accept in 1Pet 3:1 than we do in 1Pet 3:7.   We wish to exercise our headship and cause her to conform to our desires.   Instead, we must use our headship to yield in a way that will draw her in toward becoming the wife God wants her to be.  Remember the last lesson, God never told the husband that he was the head of the wife.   He commanded the husband to love the wife. 

God's instructions through Peter are to "dwell with your wives according to knowledge."  That is without question the hardest command in the Bible.   Numberless jokes have been told about the difficulty of understanding women, but for God this is no joke.   He expects the husband to work at it until he understands his wife.   Our biblical examples of married life are few: clueless Elkanah who was unaware of or ignored the tensions in his own house (1Sam 1:8); Jacob who did not realize that Leah was the godly wife until the later years of their marriage (Gen 49:31); David who cut through Michal's complaint to the contempt in her heart (2Sam 6:16).  We are left to make our subjection to the needs of our woman into the concrete examples of God's principles.

We cannot treat this as a minor matter.   If we fail to honor our wives as this verse commands, our prayers will be hindered.   I NEED my prayers for forgiveness to get through loud and clear.   No doubt we already understand that women are different and what would honor one man's wife would not be a blip on the radar for another's wife.   If this makes no sense to you, read "The Five Love Languages" 3 times, the last one with your wife, chapter by chapter with discussion between you about every page.   Men, we must consider our woman and her personality and her character with a view to helping her as the weaker vessel, with the goal of her salvation.   And, our own salvation depends on our ability to do so.   (Unless you think you can make it without prayer!)

Just as being a help to you will be different for your wife than had she married a man in a different profession with a different personality, dwelling with her according to knowledge is unique to you two.   When we consider all that Christ did for his bride, we should at the least be willing to read books to learn about women and to learn to improve our relationship.   We should learn to do things we are not comfortable with for her.   We should meditate on her emotional needs and ways to adjust to fulfil them.   Above all, we should listen.  And, if this seems too great a task, remember, "Subjecting yourselves one to another in the fear of Christ (Eph 5:21).

Some men only notice when their wives start screaming and crying and throwing pots and pans.   Then they are shocked for they had no clue there was a problem.   If the wife is too godly to act that way, the husband continues in a clueless way grinding her spirit to nothing.   How can a man claim to follow the Savior who became one of us in order to intercede for us, yet not listen to his bride?  If God purposed the church to be Christ's bride before creation, should not each man be gathering data and purposing to create in his wife the parallel to the Church (Eph 3:10-11)?  Is not the goal to become one, and can that be accomplished without mutual effort?  What if Jesus listened to our prayers the way we notice our wives' problems, complaints, and desires?  In fact, 1 Pet 3:7 promises exactly that! 

Jesus gave himself up to set apart the church to be a present for himself (Eph 5:25-27).   His mission was to cleanse the church to be without spot and blemish, a holy bride to himself.   To accomplish this he first became whatever it took on his part, servant, flesh, human (Phil 2, Jn 1).   Then he began to shape the church: he did not browbeat or demand; he washed her with water and the word.   He thoughtfully fashioned words that would transform her into the present he desired for himself.   God through Paul commands husbands to do the same for their wives. 

If husbands believe their role is merely to be the provider, they are carnal, having little spiritual understanding.   Physically providing food and shelter is the least of his duties.   Giving honor to her as the weaker vessel means to work with her spiritually to build her up to walk beside her husband spiritually.   He must know her spiritual and emotional weaknesses and help strengthen her and protect her as "heirs with you of the grace of life."  He must meditate and thoughtfully fashion words that will transform her into the present to himself that he wishes her to be.   He cannot do this with force but only with the same self-sacrificing kind of love Christ used to transform the church.

It is a shame on husbands that in many (if not most) families, it is the wife who is the spiritual leader: she helps the children with their Bible lessons, she makes certain all are ready for church on time, she insists that nothing interfere with church, she reminds him that he has a certain duty this Sunday so he can prepare.   He simply attends.    Such a one is not a head like Jesus is head, no matter how bossy he is.   [Ignoring these duties to preach and teach the gospel is no less carnal than failing them for other reasons.]

That ceremony did not make you a husband.   However many years "on the job" has not made you a husband either.   Only the considered imitation of the love of Christ for the church will make you the husband of your wife. 
 
Dwell with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor unto the woman…as being also joint-heirs of the grace of life. (1 Pet 3:7)

Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are unreasonable.  (1Pet 2:18).

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, (1Pet 3:1).

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.  (1Pet 3:7).

Keith Ward
 

Part 2 in a continuing series by guest writer Keith Ward, appearing on the final Monday of the month.  For Part 1, scroll down to December 31, 2018.
 
I have always known these principles: I memorized Ephesians for Homer Hailey's "Scheme of Redemption" class; I took Roland Lewis's "Home and Family" class; I preached sermons; I wrote the goals and objectives for the men when our church divided the men and women for family classes; with Dene's assistance, I taught marriage and parenting classes to both the High School and College age classes. So, WHY did I find myself riding my bicycle 13 miles home from work as slowly as possible because I did not know what to say or do about a situation between us?  I did not even know for sure whose fault it was or how to proceed to find out without creating a bigger problem.  Well, I did manage that, I was so late she worried and came looking for me. So, "Knowledge puffs up."  And, the answers are not always easy and there is a learning curve on applying what you know.

It might help us to note that God never said to the husbands that they are the head.  He said that to the wives.  It seems like a small distinction but the difference it creates in perspective has caused chasms in relationships for hundreds of years.  In fact, that small difference often leads to a domineering attitude in husbands that is foreign to the context of "subjecting [our]selves one to another," and especially to the first command to husbands, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for it."

To understand our role as husbands, we men must consider that Christ was head, though he only gave—gave himself up over and over again.  And he did so without complaint or resentment.  First, he gave up his place with and equal with God to become a man.  A fact we treat as a theological argument rather than the tremendous yielding (emptying self) that it was (Phil 2:5-7).  The creator became a creature.  Next, he walked through a world of sin.  Sometimes city people cannot stand the sights and smells of real farm life.  Anyone who has gathered eggs knows they do not come as clean as they do in the grocery store carton.  Imagine the disgust an absolutely holy being would have toward rebellious, self-destructive sin.  And, he walked among and had compassion toward these sinners.  Last, he died and in dying became sin on our behalf (2 Cor 5:21).  At no point did or does this one who is "far above all rule, and authority, and power, and dominion, and every name that is named" in his role as head of the church coerce anyone to do anything (Eph 1:21).  He
wooed his people to him by giving himself up.

When men discuss this, they end the matter with, "I would be willing to die for my wife. Next verse, brother ________."  Whoa!  Back up just a bit—Is dying all that Jesus did for us? 

The Word gave up who he was and became someone else, Jesus, for his bride.   Unscripturally, many men not only do not change when they become husbands, they see no need to change.  Jesus' example leaves no wiggle room at all for the husband about his willingness to change for his wife.  And, remember, Jesus did it before his bride subjected herself and as a motive to lead her to do so.  "That's just not who I am and she knew that when she married me," is not a valid excuse.  A man determined to belong to God must consider the changes he needs to make to be the head of his wife.  Not only may different women have different needs, but the same woman will have changing needs as life progresses.  That means the husband imitating Christ cannot stay the same either.  "But what about my rights as head?"  Go consider: What about Jesus' rights? No man ever had more power than Jesus. Yet, he never used any of it to get his way about anything. Even so ought husbands to act toward their wives.

Since "head" is the way the wife is commanded to treat him and not a license for the husband to boss, he should give himself up by working to develop mutual decisions and plans. He must show consideration for her ideas and her desires by listening to her as equal partners in your life before God. In fact, imitating Christ may require him to give up his desires, his way for hers.

A man may cling to his rights and privileges.  A husband may give up his hobbies, his plans, his buddies, his dreams to demonstrate his love for his bride.  He must not wait until she asks or cries about his neglect; he must wisely consider and use his power to act on her behalf by yielding. When she sees that he loves her so, she will submit joyfully and change into the help suitable for him so that they two become one in heart.

Elkanah gave up his right to overturn Hannah's vow, gave up his son, gave up a bull for a sacrifice (1Sam 1; Num 30:12).  God says that "the husband has not power over his own body, but the wife" (1Cor 7:4).  If a husband cannot be boss over his own body, why would he be boss over his time?  His preferences?  His habits?  His only goal as God's man is to give himself up with purpose to shape her into God's woman.

Approximately half the population is men; many are married, few are husbands.  Are you even on the journey to becoming one?
 
Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are unreasonable. (1Pet 2:18). 

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, (1Pet 3:1).

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. (1Pet 3:7).
 
Keith Ward

It was almost amusing when it happened. 

              Many years ago at one of the congregations where Keith preached, one of the older men made it a point to say to him, “I know you are a hard worker.  But you still have children at home.  You need to make sure you spend time with them.” 

              We appreciated that.  Keith was a hard worker, spending at least 30 hours a week with the Word, just as Paul told Timothy and Titus they needed to be doing as young evangelists, plus the four hours preaching and teaching in the assembly every week, and then holding Bible studies, usually in the evenings, with interested people, or looking for more interested folks as he passed out flyers and meeting announcements, sent out and graded correspondence courses, and wrote articles in the local paper.  I often met him at the local pond loaded down with old towels and blankets, especially in the winter, for a baptism.  He seldom worked less than 60 hours a week.

              Yet not long afterward, the same man’s wife came up to him and scolded him because he had missed putting an article in the paper the week we moved from one house to another.  Everything else was done, but something had to give that week, and he preferred that one article not be written rather than his boys not have time with their father.

              I fear too many churches are more like the wife of that couple than the husband.  Especially if a man is supported mainly by other churches, the pressure is felt, even if it isn’t applied.  Then there are the men who do not even need that pressure to avoid their obligations at home, using the same excuse  Here is what Jesus had to say about that. 

              And he said to them, "You have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God in order to establish your tradition! For Moses said, 'Honor your father and your mother'; and, 'Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.' But you say, 'If a man tells his father or his mother, "Whatever you would have gained from me is Corban"' (that is, given to God)-- then you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or mother, thus making void the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And many such things you do."  Mark 7:9-13.

              Those people got out of their financial obligations to their elderly parents by claiming their money was “given to God,” whether or not it ever actually made it to the Temple coffers! 

              “And many such things you do,” Jesus tacked on the end of that. .”  As long as you can say you are using it for God, whatever “it” is, you don’t have to give it to anyone else.  Tell me that saying your time is given to God (Corban) so it’s all right if you don’t spend enough of it with your children to teach them basic skills of life, to discuss the Word of God “when you walk and talk,” to just listen to their childish concerns and give them the fatherly wisdom they crave, or enough time to nurture your relationship with the wife whom you have come to take for granted, aren’t “such things.

              I have seen old pioneer preachers lauded for sacrificing their family lives to go off for months at a time to preach the gospel.  I am not sure the Lord would have been among their admirers.  If they were single, fine, but choosing to have a family places other obligations on you.  Isn’t that what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7?  I would rather you be like me (single) so you do not have the obligations that having a family puts on you, duties which God does expect you to fulfill.  Paul certainly didn’t say those obligations were negated by spiritual things.

              Churches need to look at their preachers’ schedules for this reason:  see if he is raising his children; see if he is spending time with his wife.  The Lord made a family with both a mother and a father present in the home.  He made the woman to be a help not a substitute father.  Jesus said, “Don’t blame what you do for God as the reason you neglect your family obligations.”  He says you make void the Word of God when you do that.  Churches, do you want to be a party, or perhaps the main cause, for a man to make void the Word of God?

              And we can also say this applies to anyone who hides behind “spiritual things” to avoid his family responsibilities—he is calling his family, “Corban.”

              We call the argument about “quality time” between working mothers and their children a “myth.”  Quality time can only happen when a quantity of time is being spent.  What applies to mothers, certainly applies to fathers too.  Jesus seems to agree.
 
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4.  Read that without the parenthetical statement—just the underlined words.
 
Dene Ward

Guest writer Keith Ward begins a series for husbands, which will run the last Monday of the month for the next few months.
 
For some years it has amazed me that from a section of 397 words (ASV) concerning subjection, preaching and teaching has focused on the 65 words addressed to "Wives be in subjection to your own husbands" while only cursory attention has been given to the 332 other words on submission and even less to the 220 words addressed to husbands (Eph 5:21-6:9).  Notice that the Holy Spirit spoke almost 4 times as many words to the men about their duties as husbands as he did to the wives about theirs. Further, He simply states the duty of the wives but understands the necessity of enforcing by strong analogies to Christ and the church and loving oneself the husband's duties toward the wives. Comparison of the history of the amount of teaching done on the two sets of duties shows that we men missed the message.

The section opens by commanding us all to "Subject[ing] yourselves one to another in the fear of Christ." Then God specifies the subjection of wives and husbands, children and fathers, and servants and masters. Some years ago in a small group meeting from church, I compared Christianity to traffic circles—No one has the right-of-way.  Unlike 4-way stops where the laws specify who has the right of way, traffic circles have yield signs at every entrance; NO ONE has the right of way.  So also does this section on subjection. (SHE "borrowed" the traffic circle idea for her own devo). In every one of the six relationships listed in the section, the command is to submit, not to control.

Let us note that in the other relationships discussed, the children are to obey their parents, but that does not make the fathers the boss. Rather, fathers are to "provoke not" and "nurture" them.  Slaves are to obey masters but masters are to treat slaves as they expect the Lord to treat them.  So, just where did we find in the expression that the husband is the head of the wife the concept that he is boss and Lord of the house?  Certainly we left the clearly written spirit of the context to discover it.

Considering the attitudes of our times, women do need the lessons on submission that the Holy Spirit teaches here. In fact, I must emphasize that God is speaking for so many accuse Paul of just being a misogynist bachelor. But, I see nothing in this text or any other that instructs men to force their wives into submission.

Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church; husbands are to give themselves up for their wives as Christ did for the church; husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies; husbands are to feed and warm their wives; husbands are to leave all others for their wives.  This is the headship that God commands the husbands to exercise toward their wives.  Just which of those sounds like control?

Over the next lessons, we will examine some practical ways husbands can follow Jesus' example in their relationship as head of their wives. The teachings and suggestions will not be exhaustive, but they should give the man with a willing heart enough to be able to adapt them to his wife and their situation.
 
Servants, be submissive to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and gentle, but also to those who are unreasonable. (1Pet 2:18).
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, (1Pet 3:1).
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. (1Pet 3:7).

Keith Ward

If you really want to hurt a woman, hurt her children.  If you think no one would do such a thing, you haven’t been to as many places as I have nor lived as long. 

              I have seen grandmothers pass their favoritism on to the next generation.  If one child is not particularly liked, then his children won’t be either.

              I have seen grandmothers show that favoritism in gifts, in words, and most shameful of all, in hugs.  I have seen grandchildren pitted against one another, one side always believed over the other, regardless of evidence.  I have seen grandchildren used to create tension between their parents, either siblings of one another, or spouses.

              Children should be sacred ground when it comes to family squabbles.  You never hurt a child, regardless whose he is.  If there is something unnatural about a mother hurting her own child, there is something just plain loathsome about a grandmother doing it.  Isn’t that why the story of Athaliah, the wicked queen who had all her grandchildren killed to secure her own reign, horrifies us?  Women like that deserve the worst of punishments, and God made sure Athaliah got hers.



              Then there is the matter of “blood.”  I have seen blood grandchildren obviously favored over adopted.  I have seen step-grandchildren totally ignored.  A child cannot help where he came from.  If he has been specially chosen to be in the family, he should be treated as family as much as any other child—he IS family.

              Naomi is the perfect example.  Ruth was her daughter-in-law, not her daughter.  Boaz may have been a distant relative, but he was not her son.  Yet how did she accept their child?  So Boaz took Ruth, and she became his wife. And he went in to her, and the LORD gave her conception, and she bore a son…Then Naomi took the child and laid him on her lap and became his nurse, Ruth 4:13,16.  According to Keil, “became his nurse” is tantamount to adopting him as her own son, not just her grandson.  Could she have made her love and acceptance of this child any clearer?

              Surely a grandmother should not need to be told to love her grandchildren.  Even if there is some legitimate reason for an estrangement with their parents, do not take it out on the children.  It is not their fault how their parents act.  The list of pagan sins in Romans 1:28-32 includes “without natural affection” in the KJV and ASV.  That is translated “heartless” in the ESV.  Only a heartless grandmother refuses her grandchildren.  Only a heartless mother-in-law does it to retaliate against a daughter- or son-in-law. 

              Naomi’s love and acceptance of Ruth in all the ways we have discussed made for a relationship that has transcended the ages.  Ruth returned that love with her own genuine affection, with acceptance, and with the physical care every older parent has a right to expect.  Naomi and Ruth were not physically related in any way at all, but they treated one another as if they were, in fact, better than some blood relatives treat one another.  This is the way it is supposed to work.  May we all work harder to make it happen in our own homes.
 
So Boaz took Ruth, and she became his wife; and he went in unto her, and Jehovah gave her conception, and she bare a son. And the women said unto Naomi, Blessed be Jehovah, who has not left you this day without a near kinsman; and let his name be famous in Israel. And he shall be unto you a restorer of life, and a nourisher of your old age, for your daughter-in-law, who loves you, who is better to you than seven sons, has borne him, Ruth 4:13-15
 
Dene Ward