I think I saw it the first time during the Olympics coverage and it rankled immediately.

              "Fearless kids aren't born; they're made," says the new Universal Studios ad.  And how are they "made?"  Evidently, if you send your children to that amusement park, you will make them strong, fearless, and brave.  Are you kidding me?

              While it is true that fearless kids are not born, we are a pretty sad lot if we think turning them over to these folks will make them fit for a life that usually has its share of tragedy and hardship.  On the contrary, too many of our kids who are raised on amusement parks and entertainment in general tend to think themselves "entitled"—entitled to fun and toys of all sorts, even if it bankrupts the family or destroys any semblance of family time.  Then when the inevitable hardship occurs, they turn into unstable mush. 

             I would hope that Christian parents know better.  The Bible tells us how to be fearless, and it also tells us that it is our responsibility to raise those souls God has entrusted to us and no one else, certainly not Universal Studios.
You start by teaching them about God.  God is your shield, Gen 15:1, you tell them.  He is your light, your salvation, your stronghold, Psa 27:1.  He will not leave you or forsake you, Deut 31:6.  How can you be afraid when you know that?

               You are important to Him, important enough for Him to give His Son to save you, John 3:16.  He offers you redemption Isa 43:1.  He finds you valuable, Matt 10:31.  Like Daniel, if you remain true to him you are "greatly loved," Dan 10:19.  When was the last time you neglected something that valuable to you?  Never, probably, and that's the way it is with God, too.
He will hear your prayers, Dan 10:12, and he will bless you, giving you a hope others in the world do not have, 1 Pet 3:14.  Why should you "fear their fear" 1 Pet 3:14?

           Then you set the example yourselves.  Act like someone who is fearless, someone who trusts God in every situation, even when you do not understand and things look grim.  Show your child trust, show him courage, show him that you believe all those things you have been telling him all his life, and act like someone who isn't afraid of anything.  You aren't afraid because you know where you stand with God, and that is the key.  Why be afraid of anything else in this life if you know who is on your side, and where you are going when it's over?

             No amusement park in the world can make a fearless kid out of your child.  Only you can.  If you want to go there for a visit, that's fine, but don't fall for the guff.  You are the one God will hold accountable.
 
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isa 41:10)
 
Dene Ward

We put up several new feeders recently, along with some new bluebird houses and a couple of small birdbaths.  We hoped to increase both the numbers of birds visiting us, as well as the varieties, and we succeeded.  The very first day our usual birds had multiplied and there on the ground was a new one.  It didn’t take long to find him in the bird books I have—a brown-headed cowbird.

              The cowbird is a member of the blackbird family, and it is easy to think him some sort of blackbird.  That brown head is not obvious at a distance.  He stretches 7 to 8 inches from head to tail, glossy black with a chocolate brown head and a pointed gray bill.  Cowbirds do, however, have a negative trait—they lay their eggs in the nests of other birds, then go off and expect that bird to raise their young.  Sometimes the host bird will destroy the unfamiliar eggs, but far more often, they will raise the cowbird nestlings, often neglecting their own.  Cowbird chicks are so much larger than the hosts’ chicks that they take most of the food and leave the others hungry.

              Do you know what they call birds that steal nests and abandon their young to others?  Parasite birds.  I had never thought of it that way, but it is a legitimate biological classification.  Cuckoos do it.  Wood ducks do it.  In fact, about 750 species of birds do it.

             Humans wouldn’t do that, would they?  We wouldn’t ignore the sanctity of marriage between one man and one woman, breaking up a home at will just because “I want him now,” or “I don’t love her any more.”  Why can’t I steal someone else’s nest if I want it?

              I have things I want to do, a career that makes me important.  I’m not made for taking care of children--I shouldn’t be saddled with these kids.  Why can’t the government raise them for me?  Why can’t I hire someone to do the dirty work?  Why can’t I lay my eggs in someone else’s nest and expect them to be responsible for my children?

              Why do I have to work to support my family?  Why should I have to control my physical hungers?  Why can’t I live as I want and not have to bear the responsibility of what follows?  Why can’t I deposit my burdens in someone else’s lap to pay for and tend to?

              I wonder if biologists have a class of human called “parasitic.”  “Entitlement” comes to mind; “selfishness” as well, not to mention “irresponsibility.”  God holds us accountable for our lives, for our health, for our families, for all the privileges we claim, especially in the most blessed society in the world.  He expects us to exercise self-control.  He expects us to be mature in our choices and responsible for them.  He expects us to be considerate of others in those choices too.

              Now that I have about 95% of you agreeing with me, let’s take it one step farther.  What about Christians who deposit their children in Bible classes and expect the church to teach them?  Sometimes parents will see that the child does his lesson, but sometimes the teachers are lucky if a workbook accompanies a child at all, much less one that has been well-studied and filled out.  The Bible tells us that parents are to teach their children, not the church.  It is certainly commendable to take them to Bible classes, but the example they see many, many more hours a week at home is the one that they learn from.

              The brown headed cowbird is one of the most disapproved of birds in the avian world.  Why is that we think the same sort of behavior, in any of its manifestations, should be acceptable, even applauded, in ours?
 
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without natural affection, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 2 Timothy 3:1-5
 
Dene Ward

I picked up the phone and within ten seconds wished I hadn’t.  I was a new bride and it was my first experience with a telemarketer. I couldn’t fathom someone who had an answer for every reason to say “No.” 

              I’d been taught to always be polite so as long as he talked I listened.  Finally I said, “I couldn’t spend this much money without talking to my husband first anyway.”

              Yes, he even had an answer for that one.  “Don’t you think it’s about time you learned how to make decisions on your own?”

              He had finally gone too far.  “How we run our marriage is our business, not yours,” I replied and hung up.  He found out in short order that my acceptance of my husband’s authority didn’t mean I was spineless.

              Too many women today seem to think it does, and worse, care far too much about what other people think about them.  I feel the same way about that as I do about men who won’t help with child care and housework because, “That’s woman’s work.”  Shakespeare put it best:  “Methinks thou doth protest too much.”  It takes strength to submit; weakness cannot overcome the natural tendency to want attention and power.

              Sarah comes to mind.  In a misguided attempt to help God fulfill his promises to Abraham, she and Abraham arranged a surrogate mother.  Hagar was “her handmaid,” Gen 16:1,3, a personal servant of Sarah’s, not a simple slave girl who would have been under Abraham’s authority (Growth of the Seed, Nathan Ward).  When Hagar’s attitude toward Sarah eroded into hateful disrespect--“her mistress became despised in her eyes” v 4—Sarah was ready to throw her out.  At that time, in that culture, Hagar as her handmaid was her business, not Abraham’s.  Yet Sarah, in her submission as a wife, still went to Abraham first.  Even he said, “Behold, your maid is in your hands.  Do what you think is best,” v 6.

              Please note, the surrogacy arrangement did not change Hagar’s status.  She is still called “handmaid” by the writer and by God (21:12), and the angel of Jehovah told her she was wrong to have fled, that the right thing was to return to her mistress (16:7-9), just as it was for Onesimus to return to Philemon.  Sarah did not have to ask Abraham for permission, but she went the extra mile in her submission to him.

              So how am I doing at this submission business?  Do my friends know that my husband is the head of the house, or would they throw their heads back in gales of laughter at the very thought?  Am I embarrassed to say, “I need to talk with my husband,” before making a major decision?

              Even the New Testament recognizes that a woman has a realm of authority in the home.  Widows are to remarry and “rule the household,” 1 Tim 5:14.  That word “rule” is not the same Greek word as the one in 3:4, elders should “rule well their own household.”  The word in 5:14 is one that means “manage [the home specifically] under a master.”  Just as the store manager does not expect to be micromanaged by the owner of the business, he still understands that he must ultimately answer to that owner.  Would anyone expect otherwise?

              It is time to stop being cowed by our increasingly godless culture, afraid to admit that we actually believe what the Bible says about unpopular things.  The next time someone insults you for your voluntary subjection to your husband, show them just how much spine you do have.
 
For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening, 1 Peter 3:5-6
 
Dene Ward

I don’t remember exactly when it was, but I remember the light bulb that went off in my head.  I have taught women’s Bible studies for well over forty years now.  We never have the hen parties or gossip fests that many are accused of.  We study. We learn.  We grow.  I am so proud of my women I could burst.

              One of the biggest blessings of sitting in a good women’s class is finding out that many marriages are like yours, and so are many husbands, at least in some ways.  That is the light bulb moment I spoke of. 

              We were studying Hannah and shaking our heads at Elkanah, who was the typical oblivious man.  Despite the fact that the scriptures call Hannah and Peninnah “rivals,” the same word used in Num 10:9, “when you go to war against an enemy,” he either didn’t notice the obvious tension in the household or he thought it trivial. 

              “Why are you so upset?” he asked Hannah.  “Aren’t I better to you than ten sons?”  That was supposed to not only assuage a bitter conflict in his home, but overcome a cultural stigma that weighed on Hannah every hour of every day.  Really?

              My first inclination was to call him an egomaniac (“aren’t I better…?”), then unfeeling, or at best clueless.  But another woman pointed out that he obviously loved Hannah.  Look at the special way he treated her, and the point he made of doing it before others when the family offered sacrifices at the tabernacle.  A real jerk wouldn’t have done that.  He was simply being a man.

              So, over the years, we have learned to point out “man things.”  We say to our younger women, “He didn’t mean anything by it, honey.  It’s a man thing.”  The point isn’t that men do not necessarily need to learn to do better, but that women need to stop judging them unfairly, as if every time they do one of those things, they are deliberately setting out to hurt them.  Nonsense!  They have no idea they are hurting you.  They love you and if they did think it might hurt you, they wouldn’t do it.  That little bit of wisdom has brought a lot of us through some tricky moments in our marriages.

              Unfortunately, we do that to one another in the church too.  It can’t be that nothing was meant about us specifically when a comment was made—it simply must have been meant as an insult or a hurtful barb.  It escapes us that we are talking about people who love one another, and even though we are supposed to be loving them too, we automatically assume the worst.  It is the worst kind of egotism to imagine that every time anyone speaks or acts they have me in mind.

              I tried to look this attitude up in a topical Bible and do you know where I found it?  Under “uncharitable” and “judgmental.”  Isaiah talks about people “who by a word make a man out to be an offender” (29:20,21).  Isn’t that what we are doing when we behave in such a paranoid fashion?  It isn’t anything new.  People have been making false judgments, jumping to the worst conclusions possible, for as long as there have been people.

              What did the Israelites say to Moses?  “You brought us out here to die” (Ex 14:11,12).  Really?  He certainly put himself to a lot of unnecessary grief if that was his purpose.  He could have just left them in Egypt and they certainly would have died as oppressed slaves.

              Eli watched Hannah pray at the tabernacle where she and her family had come to worship and accused her of being drunk (1 Sam 1:14-17).   Talk about being uncharitable.

              Actions like those do not come from a heart of love.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, 1 Cor 13:7, which means I put the best construction on every word or action of another, not the worst.  It means I am concerned about how I treat them in my judgment of them, rather than being concerned with how they are treating me.  If I am not careful, I may be the one with the ulterior motives.
 
Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses, Prov 10:12.
             
Dene Ward
 

It’s happened twice now.  I leave my campsite loaded down with shower gear and clean clothes, only to walk into what should be a sanctuary for women only and find a couple of little boys running around—not three year olds, mind you, but boys who are well into grade school, probably 8 or 9.

              A campground bathhouse is a bit like a locker room.  Yes, there are shower stalls with curtains, but often the dressing area in those stalls becomes nearly as wet as the tiles behind the shower itself.  Sometimes you have to open the curtain so you can step out and put on your jeans without dragging them through a puddle.  On our last trip a woman came marching out of the stall in her jeans and bra, flapping her arms and exclaiming how hot it was.  What would have happened if those two little boys had been in there then?

              Even the little boys cared.  They were showering when I came in to brush my teeth late one night.  Their mother had all their clothes piled in a far corner of the room. 

              “Come on out,” she called through the shower curtain.

              “But there’s a woman out there,” the older boy said.

              “I’m sure she’s seen it before,” she hollered back, and suddenly in the mirror I saw a naked child streaking behind me.  For his sake I kept my eyes averted from the embarrassed little boy crouching behind the sinks.  If it bothers the boys, surely that’s the time to put them in the men’s bathhouse, isn’t it?

              Then I got an even bigger shock.  “I’ll be right back,” the mom told the boys.  “I have to take this to your dad.”

              Dad?  Why didn’t Dad have them in the men’s bathhouse to begin with?  No, dad was absent, as so many are these days, watching TV in the trailer by the satellite dish he had hauled along on a two night camping trip on top of a beautiful mountain.  I wonder if he ever noticed the scenery, much less his sons. 

              My boys were blessed to have a father who took his role seriously.  He didn’t leave everything to me until they got “bigger.”  He changed diapers.  He rolled around on the floor with them.  He played every ball game in season, even when they weren’t very good at it yet.  He read the Bible to them every morning while they ate breakfast, and a Bible story every night before bed, even before they were able to understand what he was reading.  Nearly every night he was the one who gave them their baths so I had time to clean up the supper dishes.  And yes, he took them into the men’s bathhouse whenever we camped, which began when Nathan was only three.

              For awhile Keith worked nights.  He would not have seen the boys except right before school and on weekends, but he got up early every morning, despite his late hours, to walk them to the bus stop.  He left them notes in the middle of the table every day, pieces of advice, Bible verses to memorize before the weekend, and always an “I love you.”  They usually ran straight for the table when the bus dropped them off, and I still have a notebook with those little yellow notes taped to the pages.  It wasn’t long before he changed jobs, taking one at far less salary because being with his boys was more important than money.

              Fathers, you have a more important calling than the one that pays your bills.  Boys need to know what it takes to be a man of God.  Girls need to see the kind of man they should look for one day.  If all you do is let mama handle things till they get a little bigger, you are missing the most precious years of their lives.  You still won’t have a relationship with your child, because you didn’t build one when the building came naturally.  They won’t trust you to really care, and no one will much blame them.
 
And you fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, Ephesians 6:4.
 
Dene Ward
 

Sometimes I wish we taught classes in our churches specifically about what to look for in a mate.  I have seen too many young people looking at only the outer man to decide whether he is suitable to marry.  One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to imagine your boyfriend as the father of your children.  Do you want them to grow up like him?  Sometimes I think young ladies get a little more desperate than young men and are willing to settle for just about anyone, as long as he has been “dunked” and sits on a church pew.  Big mistake, girls.  I am not sure I did a better job of looking for the right things, but I sure wound up with better than most, so let me tell you what makes a real man, having been married to one for 43 years now.

              A real man is not too embarrassed to worship God with all his heart and let everyone see it.  So what if he cannot sing like one of the “Three Tenors” or even the latest teen idol?  If it is obvious that his heart is in it when he sings, let him bellow all he wants!  David, a warrior-king, surely a man’s man in every sense of that phrase, wrote unabashedly emotional songs to God, prayed to him night and day, and worshipped so fervently he embarrassed his wife, 2 Sam 6:16ff.  Don’t let yourself get caught in her trap, and ultimate curse.  If your present boyfriend cannot even make himself mutter loud enough for you to hear right next to him, and makes it obvious that the assembly of the Lord’s people bores him to death, particularly if he claims to be a Christian, do you really need another reason to question staying in that relationship?  Training your children to love God is hard enough without having to fight the example of the other parent.

              A real man takes care of his family, no matter what that involves.  What is your fellow’s record at home?  Does he willingly do the chores his parents have given him, or do they have to nag?  Does he balk at particularly dirty jobs and even refuse to do them?  I do not mean complain once in awhile—that should be allowed.  But there may come times when your husband has to get out there and do things for the family which are pretty disgusting.  I can remember a time when all of the plumbing in the house was totally plugged up and my man had to go outside at ten o’clock at night, dig up the top to the septic tank, then lean down into that nasty, smelly hole with a long stick and manually unplug the drainpipes.  He never balked at changing diapers or cleaning up after a sick child.  He has even held my head while I was sick.  If your guy is too finicky for such things, he is a weakling!  Real men are strong enough to do what has to be done.  Mine has dug ditches in a driving rainstorm to keep our house from washing away, and dug a well in a cold January rain despite a 102 degree fever because we had had no running water in the house for a month and could not afford a professional.

              Third, real men are not selfish.  Does your boyfriend ever do what you want, or are you always stuck with his choices in entertainment and activities?  (On the reverse, do the two of you only do what you want?  A real man has opinions of his own and is not run by his woman.)  Does he go out of his way for you?  Does he act like a gentleman, dropping you off under the covered entry and then running through the rain himself?  …offering you his coat when you are cold?  …carrying heavy things for you?  Or does he just treat you like one of the boys and let you fend for yourself?  And most important, has he ever hit you?  Does he constantly criticize you, and ridicule you, even in front of others?  Does he order you around and act jealous every time another man even looks at you?  Does he get angry and yell, then blame his explosion on you?  Drop everything right now and leave as fast as you can.  A husband is supposed to nourish and cherish his wife, and treat her as well as he treats himself, Eph 5:25ff.  He is kind and considerate, and looks out for his wife’s best interests, whether they are in his best interests or not.  That is God’s description of a real man.

              Every marriage will have its ups and downs, dealing with hardships and sorrows along the way:  financial problems, health problems, family problems.  Look at him now.  How does he deal with mishaps?  With upsetting circumstances?  With aggravating people?  Does he whine?  Does he crack under stress?  Is he volatile, even frightening?  Can you tolerate even being around him when he is not happy or does he make everyone miserable?  Whom does he rely on?  Whom does he go to for advice and comfort?  Is it even possible to comfort him, or is he inconsolable?  It’s one thing to comfort the man you love in a crisis.  It’s another to put up with an immature, irresponsible man with no self-control, and even need protection from him because he has hit a rough spot in the road and cannot deal with it like an adult.

                A real man keeps his word.  If your boyfriend has gone back on any promises to you or anyone else, what makes you think he will honor the vow, “For better or for worse, till death do us part?”

              Last, but certainly not least, is he romantic?  If he is already your fiancé and you are not hearing, “I love you,” even once a week, you will find yourself starved for it in ten years, and even wondering if it is true any longer.  Every relationship needs the grease of affection to handle the natural frictions of living together.  I hear those three magic words no less than half a dozen times a day, sometimes limited only by the number of times he can call and still give his employer a full days’ work.  Along with love notes and wildflowers, hand-picked on the way home from work, and more hand-holding than a couple of teenagers, I have no doubt that this man would give his life for me without a moment’s thought, “as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for it,” Eph 5:25.  Will you have that kind of assurance?

              So don’t go out there looking for a cute one, a popular one, or a rich one.  When it comes down to real life—not some fairy tale fantasy—none of that makes a difference.  In fact, if that is all you go by, you probably won’t live happily ever after.  I lucked out and got a guy who gets better looking as the years go by, but even if you don’t, you can still be like me and be happier as the days go by, instead of more and more miserable because you made a rotten choice based on shallow, fleeting values.  Be careful.  This is one of the most important decisions of your life.  Whom you marry will affect you as a Christian, and your ultimate destiny, more than any other decision you will make.
 
So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Gen 2:21-24
 
Dene Ward

A long time ago, a couple entrusted their two teenage daughters to us while they worked away from the area for six months.  I was 29 years old at the time, and 7 or 8 years from having teenagers of my own.  I doubt we really knew what we were getting into, but we agreed and did our best. 

              Having someone give the care of their children into your hands for more than just a couple of hours is terrifying.  I think we probably made even stricter decisions than we did with our own children when the first one hit that milestone age of 13 several years later.  This isn’t like borrowing a lawn mower, or even a luxury automobile—these were souls we were asked to look after, in some of their most important years.

              Those girls are grown now, even older than we were when they lived with us.  In spite of those six months, they turned out very well, as have their own children.  I doubt it had anything to do with us, but you had better believe that we were on our toes far more in those six months than at any other time in our lives.  Still, we made mistakes, but it wasn’t for lack of praying and considering before we did anything.

              I am sure you can understand how we felt.  Here’s the thing, as a famous fictional TV detective is wont to say:  all of us who are parents are given Someone Else’s kids to care for.  All souls are mine, God said in Ezek 18:4.  The Hebrew writer calls Him “the Father of spirits” in 12:9, the same word he uses in verse 23, “the spirits of just men made perfect.”  God is the Father of all souls, including those children of His He has entrusted to our care.  How careful should we be about raising them?

              I have seen too many parents who are more concerned with their careers, with their personal “fulfillment,” and their own agendas.  They want children because that is what you do, the thing that is expected by society, and a right they feel they must exercise, not because they want to spend the time it takes to care for them.  “I’m too busy for that,” they say of everything from nursing and potty training to teaching them Bible stories and their ABCs.  When you decide to take on the privilege of caring for one of God’s souls, you have obligated yourself to whatever time it takes to do it properly and with the care you would for the most valuable object anyone ever entrusted into your hands.

              If realizing that the souls of the children in your home are God’s doesn’t terrify you at least a little bit, you probably aren’t doing a very good job of taking care of them.
 
And he said unto them, Set your heart unto all the words which I testify unto you this day, which you shall command your children to observe to do, even all the words of this law. For it is no vain thing for you; because it is your life… Deuteronomy 32:46-47.
 
Dene Ward

I taught piano lessons (and later added voice lessons) for over 35 years.  By the time I had to quit due to my eye problems, I had a full studio with a two year waiting list.  My students participated in three competitions a year, and no less than four joint recitals, depending upon their ages and their pieces.  At the end of the year, we had what I billed as "the Spring Program," because most people considered recitals "boring" and our programs were anything but.  We put on a show and we had fun.  And afterward I handed out sometimes as many as 20 awards, including some state competition trophies.  Yes, it was a very big deal in our lives.

              "Our lives" because my boys were part of it.  I taught them both.  Lucas went on to focus on voice and theory, while Nathan stayed with the piano.  It's always satisfying to see your children follow in your footsteps.  One day Nathan and I sat down and sightread duets for a half hour or so.  I don't know about him, but I had a blast.  He had grown and learned enough that we could share on an equal footing, a truly exhilarating experience.

              And now, thanks to seeing Daddy play at home, my grandson Silas has started piano lessons.  Last spring I went to his first recital.  He had wowed me all morning, playing a hands-moving-together piece at a difficulty that no 6 year old student of mine had ever reached—with only 8 months of piano under his belt.  We not only practiced his piece, but his bow as well. (Any of my old students reading this will understand.)  And so we all went to the auditorium and sat four rows from the front while he walked up to the grand piano and played his piece.  Perfectly.  With the classiest bow of the evening.  Just last week he did the same thing, this year playing three pieces—perfectly with an almost professional bow.

              I couldn't stop smiling.  And I also couldn't stop the tears from welling in my eyes.  Somehow I managed to get them under control before he saw them, and I gave him a huge hug.  "I am very proud," I said.  "You have made me very happy."

              As proud and happy as I was that day, there are a few other things that would make me even happier.  I doubt I even have to list them.  You know exactly what I am talking about because you wish them for your children and grandchildren too.

              I still help Silas with his piano practice.  With a new piece I often play the left hand while he plays the right, and then we swap places.  By then he can manage to put both hands together himself.  I still help with the theory homework, clapping out rhythms and asking questions that lead him to the right answers.

              But more often than that, we talk about Bible characters, narratives and principles.  We talk about God.  We pray together and sing together.  We memorize verses and recite them together.  Doesn't he get this from his parents?  Of course he does, but the more he gets from more different people—especially people who mean something to him—the more it will mean to him, and the better it will stick.  Just like his Grandma and Daddy playing the piano.

              That first recital was wonderful.  But a first public prayer, a first sermon, and of course, the first commitment--when the time is right--will be even better.
 
But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children, to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments. (Ps 103:17-18)
 
Dene Ward

Gentlemen, step closer and I will give you the perfect gift for the mother of your children.  Whether you can give it is your problem, but at least ignorance won't be your excuse.

              Your wife, the mother of your children, has a list inside her head that she has to remember every waking moment.  It contains the way you want your clothes laundered, or folded, or pressed, or starched, or not starched.  It is full of the things you will and won't eat, or have to have cooked a certain way or be served with certain other foods or at a certain time of the meal or you will refuse it.  That list contains the brand names you like best because you will toss anything else in the trash with disgust.  It lists all the things you want put in a certain place or left in a certain place, regardless how it makes her house look, not only to her but to a few judgmental others. It holds the things you happen to tell her you are nearly out of, even if she is up to her elbows in a messy chore and cannot possibly write it down that minute—and even if the shopping list is right in front of your clean hands with a pen next to it.  That memorized list hold the times you don't want to be bothered, the subjects you don't want to hear about, and the small chores you refuse to do because you don't like them.  I could probably keep going, but by now I imagine you get the point.

              So for her present this year do this one thing:  remember one thing she likes and the way she likes it, and do it.  Now I realize this will be a difficult task because you never pay attention to what she wants done a certain way or a brand or style or color she really likes (especially if you don't like it).  You tend to let those things go in one ear and out the other.  It will be difficult because she may have already given up on even mentioning things she really likes—why bother?  But you have two days to start listening and figure it out.  No fair taking her to a restaurant and saying, "Be sure to get something you really like but never get because I don't like it."  No.  The point is for you to do something that takes an effort.  The point is to listen and do for her just one time what she does for you 24/7.

              She remembers a big old list all the time, and do you know why?  Because she loves you, yes, but also because you are usually not very nice about it if she doesn't.  Can't you remember just one thing for her?  It just may start a whole new list for her, a list of presents she will never forget.
 
In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, (Eph 5:28-29)
 
Dene Ward

Parenting articles can only do so much.  The biggest problem is making parents understand their role.  Once they get what it’s all about, they usually do their best to accomplish the goal.  If they have the wrong goal or worse maybe, no goal at all, they will flounder around and do nearly everything wrong.  Believe me, you do enough wrong when you are actually trying to do right.  So here are, not a huge list no one is capable of remembering under stress, but just a couple of things, suitable for any circumstance. Remember these and you will come far closer to being good parents than you would have before.

1. YOU ARE THE BOSS.
              First, being parents means YOU are in charge.  We're not talking about being a tyrant, but you are supposed to be older and wiser, the ones God meant to guide their way.  You do not have to ask your children’s permission for anything. 

            You don’t say, “Would like a bath?”  Instead you gently lead them toward the bathroom where you already have the water running and say, “It’s time for a bath!”  You don’t ask them, “Do you want to go to bed now?”  You begin whatever their bedtime routine is and lead them that way.  If you have done this from the beginning, you will not have any problems.  It’s only if you are just now trying to change the habits of a two year old that things become difficult.  Make it easy on yourself by getting it right from the start.

              When I see parents who are afraid of their children, cringing when they have to say, “Not today,” I know something has gone dreadfully wrong.  When a child knows she can pitch a fit in a store and get exactly what she wants, she has not learned who is in control.

              It is not bad to think this way, no matter what some child raising guru might tell you.  This is how you teach them respect for authority.  They need to know without question that when mom and dad say they should do something, that’s exactly what they should do.  It will make school easier for them (and their teachers).  It will make their work lives easier.  It will certainly make it easier when they understand the authority of the law of the land.  Do you know how many young men have sat across the desk from my husband thinking they could still go wherever they wanted to go even if they were under house arrest?  When they wound up in prison for violating their probation, they finally understood.

              And understanding and respecting authority will ultimately save their souls.  Eli forgot that, and because he did not “restrain” his sons but sat back while they profaned the tabernacle and its worship, they lost their lives and their souls, and he lost his life and his family the priesthood.  And I declare to him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them. Therefore I swear to the house of Eli that the iniquity of Eli's house shall not be atoned for by sacrifice or offering forever.” (1Sam 3:13-14)

2.  YOUR JOB IS TO RAISE THEM TO BE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS.
And of course, as a Christian, you can add, “an obedient and faithful child of God.”

             That means you don’t do everything for them.  Can they make their own bed?  Can they sew on a button?  Can they wash their own clothes?  Can they iron a wrinkled shirt?  Can they write a check?  You would be surprised how many kids get to college and haven’t learned any of these things because Mama always did it for them.

          It means you make them work and expect that work to be done according to some set standard.  Of course you tailor the work to their ages and abilities.  You don’t put a five year old out to mow the yard, but he can certainly pick up his toys every night.

              It means you teach them common decency and manners.  They should show gratitude for gifts and service.  I remember that I was taught to say to the woman who had invited us over for dinner, “I enjoyed my meal.  Thank you very much.”  Which presupposes that you have taught them not to look at a proffered meal over which someone slaved for hours and say, “Yuk.  I don’t like that!”  We had a rule in our house.  If you said “Yuk!”—even to me—you had to eat a double portion. 

              It means you allow them to fail once in a while.  If you fix every problem they get themselves into, what have they learned?  Mama cannot fix it when the police come after him.  Far better he find out that actions have consequences when the consequences are much smaller.  Yes, it will still seem like a lot to him when he discovers that you cannot necessarily replace an expensive toy he left out in the rain, but it won’t be prison time, and he is far less likely to even face that on down the road after he learned this lesson on something less important.

              It also means you teach him that he is not the center of the universe.  He may be that to you, but don’t let him know it, not if you expect him to become a generous and considerate adult.  One way you do that is to make sure your MARRIAGE is the center of the home, not the children.  They need to see that marriage played out in front of them every day.  They even need to see the mistakes and the fact that you forgive one another and hang in there because of a thing called commitment.   When you have finished raising those children and they are out the door, if your marriage has been neglected, you will have nothing left.   I have seen it too many times.

              Expect them to learn to sacrifice for the good of the family.  Dad does not give up a good promotion because Susie doesn’t want to move and leave her friends.  If you have done your job, that shouldn’t even come up. 

              Expect them to take responsibility for their own lives, gradually at first, but eventually learning to do their homework without being reminded, and their Bible class lessons the same way.  Teach them to make smart choices.  You start by laying out two or three acceptable outfits for kindergarten and allowing them to choose which one they want to wear.  You do NOT start by letting them choose from the whole assortment.  Appropriate behavior, language, and dress are essential to courtesy.  Jesus himself used a parable in which a man inappropriately dressed for a wedding was thrown out, and Jesus approved whole-heartedly.  You are not stifling his creativity by not allowing him free rein.  From what I have seen, that excuse has less to do with enlightened parenting and more to do with lazy parenting.  You are supposed to be teaching them wisdom in their decision making.

              David made the mistake of teaching Adonijah that he could have whatever he wanted, no matter who it hurt, no matter what his father wanted, and no matter what God had said otherwise.  Now Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, “I will be king.” And he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him. His father had never at any time displeased him by asking, “Why have you done thus and so?” (1Kgs 1:5,6)

              So those are my two basic rules.  Remember who is in charge—BE in charge--and teach them to become the kind of adults you won’t be ashamed of, in fact, the kind of adults God would not be ashamed of.  If you think of those two things in every situation, I guarantee you will do more right than wrong.
 
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Heb 12:5-6)
 
Dene Ward