Sometimes I wish we taught classes in our churches specifically about what to look for in a mate.  I have seen too many young people looking at only the outer man to decide whether he is suitable to marry.  One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to imagine your boyfriend as the father of your children.  Do you want them to grow up like him?  Sometimes I think young ladies get a little more desperate than young men and are willing to settle for just about anyone, as long as he has been “dunked” and sits on a church pew.  Big mistake, girls.  I am not sure I did a better job of looking for the right things, but I sure wound up with better than most, so let me tell you what makes a real man, having been married to one for 43 years now.

              A real man is not too embarrassed to worship God with all his heart and let everyone see it.  So what if he cannot sing like one of the “Three Tenors” or even the latest teen idol?  If it is obvious that his heart is in it when he sings, let him bellow all he wants!  David, a warrior-king, surely a man’s man in every sense of that phrase, wrote unabashedly emotional songs to God, prayed to him night and day, and worshipped so fervently he embarrassed his wife, 2 Sam 6:16ff.  Don’t let yourself get caught in her trap, and ultimate curse.  If your present boyfriend cannot even make himself mutter loud enough for you to hear right next to him, and makes it obvious that the assembly of the Lord’s people bores him to death, particularly if he claims to be a Christian, do you really need another reason to question staying in that relationship?  Training your children to love God is hard enough without having to fight the example of the other parent.

              A real man takes care of his family, no matter what that involves.  What is your fellow’s record at home?  Does he willingly do the chores his parents have given him, or do they have to nag?  Does he balk at particularly dirty jobs and even refuse to do them?  I do not mean complain once in awhile—that should be allowed.  But there may come times when your husband has to get out there and do things for the family which are pretty disgusting.  I can remember a time when all of the plumbing in the house was totally plugged up and my man had to go outside at ten o’clock at night, dig up the top to the septic tank, then lean down into that nasty, smelly hole with a long stick and manually unplug the drainpipes.  He never balked at changing diapers or cleaning up after a sick child.  He has even held my head while I was sick.  If your guy is too finicky for such things, he is a weakling!  Real men are strong enough to do what has to be done.  Mine has dug ditches in a driving rainstorm to keep our house from washing away, and dug a well in a cold January rain despite a 102 degree fever because we had had no running water in the house for a month and could not afford a professional.

              Third, real men are not selfish.  Does your boyfriend ever do what you want, or are you always stuck with his choices in entertainment and activities?  (On the reverse, do the two of you only do what you want?  A real man has opinions of his own and is not run by his woman.)  Does he go out of his way for you?  Does he act like a gentleman, dropping you off under the covered entry and then running through the rain himself?  …offering you his coat when you are cold?  …carrying heavy things for you?  Or does he just treat you like one of the boys and let you fend for yourself?  And most important, has he ever hit you?  Does he constantly criticize you, and ridicule you, even in front of others?  Does he order you around and act jealous every time another man even looks at you?  Does he get angry and yell, then blame his explosion on you?  Drop everything right now and leave as fast as you can.  A husband is supposed to nourish and cherish his wife, and treat her as well as he treats himself, Eph 5:25ff.  He is kind and considerate, and looks out for his wife’s best interests, whether they are in his best interests or not.  That is God’s description of a real man.

              Every marriage will have its ups and downs, dealing with hardships and sorrows along the way:  financial problems, health problems, family problems.  Look at him now.  How does he deal with mishaps?  With upsetting circumstances?  With aggravating people?  Does he whine?  Does he crack under stress?  Is he volatile, even frightening?  Can you tolerate even being around him when he is not happy or does he make everyone miserable?  Whom does he rely on?  Whom does he go to for advice and comfort?  Is it even possible to comfort him, or is he inconsolable?  It’s one thing to comfort the man you love in a crisis.  It’s another to put up with an immature, irresponsible man with no self-control, and even need protection from him because he has hit a rough spot in the road and cannot deal with it like an adult.

                A real man keeps his word.  If your boyfriend has gone back on any promises to you or anyone else, what makes you think he will honor the vow, “For better or for worse, till death do us part?”

              Last, but certainly not least, is he romantic?  If he is already your fiancé and you are not hearing, “I love you,” even once a week, you will find yourself starved for it in ten years, and even wondering if it is true any longer.  Every relationship needs the grease of affection to handle the natural frictions of living together.  I hear those three magic words no less than half a dozen times a day, sometimes limited only by the number of times he can call and still give his employer a full days’ work.  Along with love notes and wildflowers, hand-picked on the way home from work, and more hand-holding than a couple of teenagers, I have no doubt that this man would give his life for me without a moment’s thought, “as Christ also loved the church and gave himself up for it,” Eph 5:25.  Will you have that kind of assurance?

              So don’t go out there looking for a cute one, a popular one, or a rich one.  When it comes down to real life—not some fairy tale fantasy—none of that makes a difference.  In fact, if that is all you go by, you probably won’t live happily ever after.  I lucked out and got a guy who gets better looking as the years go by, but even if you don’t, you can still be like me and be happier as the days go by, instead of more and more miserable because you made a rotten choice based on shallow, fleeting values.  Be careful.  This is one of the most important decisions of your life.  Whom you marry will affect you as a Christian, and your ultimate destiny, more than any other decision you will make.
 
So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Gen 2:21-24
 
Dene Ward

A long time ago, a couple entrusted their two teenage daughters to us while they worked away from the area for six months.  I was 29 years old at the time, and 7 or 8 years from having teenagers of my own.  I doubt we really knew what we were getting into, but we agreed and did our best. 

              Having someone give the care of their children into your hands for more than just a couple of hours is terrifying.  I think we probably made even stricter decisions than we did with our own children when the first one hit that milestone age of 13 several years later.  This isn’t like borrowing a lawn mower, or even a luxury automobile—these were souls we were asked to look after, in some of their most important years.

              Those girls are grown now, even older than we were when they lived with us.  In spite of those six months, they turned out very well, as have their own children.  I doubt it had anything to do with us, but you had better believe that we were on our toes far more in those six months than at any other time in our lives.  Still, we made mistakes, but it wasn’t for lack of praying and considering before we did anything.

              I am sure you can understand how we felt.  Here’s the thing, as a famous fictional TV detective is wont to say:  all of us who are parents are given Someone Else’s kids to care for.  All souls are mine, God said in Ezek 18:4.  The Hebrew writer calls Him “the Father of spirits” in 12:9, the same word he uses in verse 23, “the spirits of just men made perfect.”  God is the Father of all souls, including those children of His He has entrusted to our care.  How careful should we be about raising them?

              I have seen too many parents who are more concerned with their careers, with their personal “fulfillment,” and their own agendas.  They want children because that is what you do, the thing that is expected by society, and a right they feel they must exercise, not because they want to spend the time it takes to care for them.  “I’m too busy for that,” they say of everything from nursing and potty training to teaching them Bible stories and their ABCs.  When you decide to take on the privilege of caring for one of God’s souls, you have obligated yourself to whatever time it takes to do it properly and with the care you would for the most valuable object anyone ever entrusted into your hands.

              If realizing that the souls of the children in your home are God’s doesn’t terrify you at least a little bit, you probably aren’t doing a very good job of taking care of them.
 
And he said unto them, Set your heart unto all the words which I testify unto you this day, which you shall command your children to observe to do, even all the words of this law. For it is no vain thing for you; because it is your life… Deuteronomy 32:46-47.
 
Dene Ward

I taught piano lessons (and later added voice lessons) for over 35 years.  By the time I had to quit due to my eye problems, I had a full studio with a two year waiting list.  My students participated in three competitions a year, and no less than four joint recitals, depending upon their ages and their pieces.  At the end of the year, we had what I billed as "the Spring Program," because most people considered recitals "boring" and our programs were anything but.  We put on a show and we had fun.  And afterward I handed out sometimes as many as 20 awards, including some state competition trophies.  Yes, it was a very big deal in our lives.

              "Our lives" because my boys were part of it.  I taught them both.  Lucas went on to focus on voice and theory, while Nathan stayed with the piano.  It's always satisfying to see your children follow in your footsteps.  One day Nathan and I sat down and sightread duets for a half hour or so.  I don't know about him, but I had a blast.  He had grown and learned enough that we could share on an equal footing, a truly exhilarating experience.

              And now, thanks to seeing Daddy play at home, my grandson Silas has started piano lessons.  Last spring I went to his first recital.  He had wowed me all morning, playing a hands-moving-together piece at a difficulty that no 6 year old student of mine had ever reached—with only 8 months of piano under his belt.  We not only practiced his piece, but his bow as well. (Any of my old students reading this will understand.)  And so we all went to the auditorium and sat four rows from the front while he walked up to the grand piano and played his piece.  Perfectly.  With the classiest bow of the evening.  Just last week he did the same thing, this year playing three pieces—perfectly with an almost professional bow.

              I couldn't stop smiling.  And I also couldn't stop the tears from welling in my eyes.  Somehow I managed to get them under control before he saw them, and I gave him a huge hug.  "I am very proud," I said.  "You have made me very happy."

              As proud and happy as I was that day, there are a few other things that would make me even happier.  I doubt I even have to list them.  You know exactly what I am talking about because you wish them for your children and grandchildren too.

              I still help Silas with his piano practice.  With a new piece I often play the left hand while he plays the right, and then we swap places.  By then he can manage to put both hands together himself.  I still help with the theory homework, clapping out rhythms and asking questions that lead him to the right answers.

              But more often than that, we talk about Bible characters, narratives and principles.  We talk about God.  We pray together and sing together.  We memorize verses and recite them together.  Doesn't he get this from his parents?  Of course he does, but the more he gets from more different people—especially people who mean something to him—the more it will mean to him, and the better it will stick.  Just like his Grandma and Daddy playing the piano.

              That first recital was wonderful.  But a first public prayer, a first sermon, and of course, the first commitment--when the time is right--will be even better.
 
But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children, to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments. (Ps 103:17-18)
 
Dene Ward

Gentlemen, step closer and I will give you the perfect gift for the mother of your children.  Whether you can give it is your problem, but at least ignorance won't be your excuse.

              Your wife, the mother of your children, has a list inside her head that she has to remember every waking moment.  It contains the way you want your clothes laundered, or folded, or pressed, or starched, or not starched.  It is full of the things you will and won't eat, or have to have cooked a certain way or be served with certain other foods or at a certain time of the meal or you will refuse it.  That list contains the brand names you like best because you will toss anything else in the trash with disgust.  It lists all the things you want put in a certain place or left in a certain place, regardless how it makes her house look, not only to her but to a few judgmental others. It holds the things you happen to tell her you are nearly out of, even if she is up to her elbows in a messy chore and cannot possibly write it down that minute—and even if the shopping list is right in front of your clean hands with a pen next to it.  That memorized list hold the times you don't want to be bothered, the subjects you don't want to hear about, and the small chores you refuse to do because you don't like them.  I could probably keep going, but by now I imagine you get the point.

              So for her present this year do this one thing:  remember one thing she likes and the way she likes it, and do it.  Now I realize this will be a difficult task because you never pay attention to what she wants done a certain way or a brand or style or color she really likes (especially if you don't like it).  You tend to let those things go in one ear and out the other.  It will be difficult because she may have already given up on even mentioning things she really likes—why bother?  But you have two days to start listening and figure it out.  No fair taking her to a restaurant and saying, "Be sure to get something you really like but never get because I don't like it."  No.  The point is for you to do something that takes an effort.  The point is to listen and do for her just one time what she does for you 24/7.

              She remembers a big old list all the time, and do you know why?  Because she loves you, yes, but also because you are usually not very nice about it if she doesn't.  Can't you remember just one thing for her?  It just may start a whole new list for her, a list of presents she will never forget.
 
In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, (Eph 5:28-29)
 
Dene Ward

Parenting articles can only do so much.  The biggest problem is making parents understand their role.  Once they get what it’s all about, they usually do their best to accomplish the goal.  If they have the wrong goal or worse maybe, no goal at all, they will flounder around and do nearly everything wrong.  Believe me, you do enough wrong when you are actually trying to do right.  So here are, not a huge list no one is capable of remembering under stress, but just a couple of things, suitable for any circumstance. Remember these and you will come far closer to being good parents than you would have before.

1. YOU ARE THE BOSS.
              First, being parents means YOU are in charge.  We're not talking about being a tyrant, but you are supposed to be older and wiser, the ones God meant to guide their way.  You do not have to ask your children’s permission for anything. 

            You don’t say, “Would like a bath?”  Instead you gently lead them toward the bathroom where you already have the water running and say, “It’s time for a bath!”  You don’t ask them, “Do you want to go to bed now?”  You begin whatever their bedtime routine is and lead them that way.  If you have done this from the beginning, you will not have any problems.  It’s only if you are just now trying to change the habits of a two year old that things become difficult.  Make it easy on yourself by getting it right from the start.

              When I see parents who are afraid of their children, cringing when they have to say, “Not today,” I know something has gone dreadfully wrong.  When a child knows she can pitch a fit in a store and get exactly what she wants, she has not learned who is in control.

              It is not bad to think this way, no matter what some child raising guru might tell you.  This is how you teach them respect for authority.  They need to know without question that when mom and dad say they should do something, that’s exactly what they should do.  It will make school easier for them (and their teachers).  It will make their work lives easier.  It will certainly make it easier when they understand the authority of the law of the land.  Do you know how many young men have sat across the desk from my husband thinking they could still go wherever they wanted to go even if they were under house arrest?  When they wound up in prison for violating their probation, they finally understood.

              And understanding and respecting authority will ultimately save their souls.  Eli forgot that, and because he did not “restrain” his sons but sat back while they profaned the tabernacle and its worship, they lost their lives and their souls, and he lost his life and his family the priesthood.  And I declare to him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them. Therefore I swear to the house of Eli that the iniquity of Eli's house shall not be atoned for by sacrifice or offering forever.” (1Sam 3:13-14)

2.  YOUR JOB IS TO RAISE THEM TO BE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS.
And of course, as a Christian, you can add, “an obedient and faithful child of God.”

             That means you don’t do everything for them.  Can they make their own bed?  Can they sew on a button?  Can they wash their own clothes?  Can they iron a wrinkled shirt?  Can they write a check?  You would be surprised how many kids get to college and haven’t learned any of these things because Mama always did it for them.

          It means you make them work and expect that work to be done according to some set standard.  Of course you tailor the work to their ages and abilities.  You don’t put a five year old out to mow the yard, but he can certainly pick up his toys every night.

              It means you teach them common decency and manners.  They should show gratitude for gifts and service.  I remember that I was taught to say to the woman who had invited us over for dinner, “I enjoyed my meal.  Thank you very much.”  Which presupposes that you have taught them not to look at a proffered meal over which someone slaved for hours and say, “Yuk.  I don’t like that!”  We had a rule in our house.  If you said “Yuk!”—even to me—you had to eat a double portion. 

              It means you allow them to fail once in a while.  If you fix every problem they get themselves into, what have they learned?  Mama cannot fix it when the police come after him.  Far better he find out that actions have consequences when the consequences are much smaller.  Yes, it will still seem like a lot to him when he discovers that you cannot necessarily replace an expensive toy he left out in the rain, but it won’t be prison time, and he is far less likely to even face that on down the road after he learned this lesson on something less important.

              It also means you teach him that he is not the center of the universe.  He may be that to you, but don’t let him know it, not if you expect him to become a generous and considerate adult.  One way you do that is to make sure your MARRIAGE is the center of the home, not the children.  They need to see that marriage played out in front of them every day.  They even need to see the mistakes and the fact that you forgive one another and hang in there because of a thing called commitment.   When you have finished raising those children and they are out the door, if your marriage has been neglected, you will have nothing left.   I have seen it too many times.

              Expect them to learn to sacrifice for the good of the family.  Dad does not give up a good promotion because Susie doesn’t want to move and leave her friends.  If you have done your job, that shouldn’t even come up. 

              Expect them to take responsibility for their own lives, gradually at first, but eventually learning to do their homework without being reminded, and their Bible class lessons the same way.  Teach them to make smart choices.  You start by laying out two or three acceptable outfits for kindergarten and allowing them to choose which one they want to wear.  You do NOT start by letting them choose from the whole assortment.  Appropriate behavior, language, and dress are essential to courtesy.  Jesus himself used a parable in which a man inappropriately dressed for a wedding was thrown out, and Jesus approved whole-heartedly.  You are not stifling his creativity by not allowing him free rein.  From what I have seen, that excuse has less to do with enlightened parenting and more to do with lazy parenting.  You are supposed to be teaching them wisdom in their decision making.

              David made the mistake of teaching Adonijah that he could have whatever he wanted, no matter who it hurt, no matter what his father wanted, and no matter what God had said otherwise.  Now Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, “I will be king.” And he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him. His father had never at any time displeased him by asking, “Why have you done thus and so?” (1Kgs 1:5,6)

              So those are my two basic rules.  Remember who is in charge—BE in charge--and teach them to become the kind of adults you won’t be ashamed of, in fact, the kind of adults God would not be ashamed of.  If you think of those two things in every situation, I guarantee you will do more right than wrong.
 
And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Heb 12:5-6)
 
Dene Ward

Who hasn’t stood in a grocery aisle and heard a child demand that her mother buy something?  Not even asks with a polite please, but demands and follows up by a scream that echoes through the store when the mother says in an apologetic and almost fearful tone, “Not today, honey”.  Us old-timers have things we would love to say that would probably get us in trouble with everyone, things like, “Keep that up and I’ll give you something to scream about.”  The problem is, that laxness in training has brought us a whole generation that makes demands of God too, demands just as insufferable and spoiled, like “How can God let me suffer like this?”

              I have a friend, a sister in Christ who has her own medical problems—not the kind that could steal your vision, like mine, but the kind that could steal your life.  She is a bit older than I so the aches and pains and increasing exhaustion of old age plague her as well, but here is her attitude:

              “I pray to God for just a measure of health.  I don’t expect to be what I used to be.  We all get old, that’s just part of life.  I just want enough energy to do what I need to do to take care of others and help them.”

              We live in a world of increasing self-absorption, where “Poor little me” is plastered all over Facebook and peppers every conversation.  Instead of being grateful children, we have become demanding children who think God owes us for our faith.  “I’ve been so good and done so much.  Why is this happening to me?” 

            Thanks to the words of my friend, this is now my prayer:  Lord, just give me enough vision, for long enough, to do what I need to do to help others.  And someday soon, it will likely be, give me enough faith to keep helping others despite my lack of vision.

             If you are having a rough time, remember why you are here, remember whom you are following, and if you can’t find a good example among your peers, use this beautiful moment courtesy of my beautiful friend, a true disciple of the Suffering Servant and faithful daughter of God.
 
If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. (John 13:14-15)
 
Dene Ward

I did not watch any television to speak of for about twenty years.  A few football games here and there, and a couple of educational shows while the children were small meant that I knew more Sesame Street characters than characters on any of the popular series.   I suppose the last shows I remembered well before then were the original Star Trek, Mission: Impossible, and Hawaii Five-O.

            A few years ago I turned on some show—I don’t even remember what is was—and I nearly went crazy.  The scene shifted every thirty seconds.  You no longer had dialogue that built dramatic tension over a five minute time span.  Instead you had 15 seconds of verbal staccato followed by an explosion or a gunfight or a chase scene.  They tell me this is all because of the video game generation—people who cannot sit still longer than a minute at a time without some sort of excitement to keep the adrenaline pumping.  Maybe I am an old fogy, but it seems to me that instead of accommodating all of this, we should be teaching people how to overcome it. 

            The problem with short attention spans is that you do not listen long enough to get below the subject’s surface.  God spent 1500 years writing a book that you cannot read and understand in fifteen second bursts.  He has already accommodated us with an incredible sacrifice.  Seems to me we could learn to accommodate him and the way he communicates with us.

            Parents, have you even thought about helping your children develop a longer attention span and a desire for greater depth in their studies?  Instead of saying, “He just can’t sit still,” how about saying, “Sit still!”  Instead of saying, “I can’t get them to listen,” say, “Listen!  This is important!”  Or don’t we believe it is? 

            Yes, I know all about ADHD.  I have a son who has it.  The doctor said that the reason he was so well-behaved and did so well in school in spite of it was because he had a verbal, educated family that believed in loving discipline.  Was it easy? No, but no one ever said parenting was supposed to be.  It takes patience and diligence—a long parental attention span!

            It isn’t merely my idea of what does and does not constitute good behavior.  I worry about children who cannot sit still long enough to learn a Bible lesson and the accompanying applications to their lives; who cannot concentrate long enough to memorize a verse that might help them in a tempting moment; who actually think the world revolves around them and needs to run on their frenetic schedule with a lot of excitement or it isn’t worth their notice.  Keith has a lot of them sit across the desk from him in the prison—they usually have manacles on.

            How do you think Moses managed 40 days of taking dictation from God on Mt. Sinai?  How did Joshua abide the boredom of marching around Jericho everyday for six days, much less seven times on the seventh?  How could Paul have fasted and prayed for three days straight without needing to get up and run around for awhile?  How could those early churches sit and listen to an entire epistle being read to them at one sitting, and actually make heads or tails of it?  How in the world did Noah spend 120 years building a giant box no one had ever seen before and couldn’t imagine the need for?  Would any of this generation be able to?

            Prayer requires long quiet moments with God.  Meditation requires thoughtful time with the word of God.  Commitment requires a lifetime of doing what needs to be done even when it is tedious and you don’t want to do it.  Help your children learn those things.  Don’t give in to yet another method for Satan to steal them away from us.
 
So Ezra the priest brought the Law before the assembly, both men and women and all who could understand what they heard, on the first day of the seventh month. And he read from it facing the square before the Water Gate from early morning until midday, in the presence of the men and the women and those who could understand. And the ears of all the people were attentive to the Book of the Law. Neh 8:2,3.                        
 
Dene Ward

Today is a day for lovers, or so the merchandisers of the world say.  Do Keith and I do anything special?  You better believe it.  It’s usually nothing huge—a card, a homemade gift, a bouquet of handpicked wildflowers, a special dessert.  We don’t try to single-handedly support Madison Avenue.  Sometimes Keith simply takes the day off and we spend time together talking—what a novel idea, especially for some married folks!  Not because we celebrate some Catholic “saint” or because we feel pressured by society, but because we take every opportunity to revel in our love.  How do you think we have managed to put up with each other for all these years?

            Romance is not an un-Biblical concept.  While the description of the body in several passages in the Song of Solomon may not appeal to our Western ears, it is still used in the courtship rituals of some Eastern countries today.  The Proverb writer speaks of romance like this: There are three things which are too wonderful for me, yes, four which I do not understand:  the way of an eagle in the air, the way of a serpent upon a rock, the way of a ship in the middle of the sea, and the way of a man with a maid, 30:18-20. 

            The writer of Ecclesiastes tells us to live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your life of vanity, which he has given you under the sun…for that is your portion in life, 9:9.  “Live joyfully” is an injunction; it is not passive.  Do not wait for it; initiate it yourself.  These passages were originally spoken to couples whose marriages were arranged.  Imagine what God expects of those of us who chose our own spouses after “falling in love.” 

            Two or three times a week as I clean out Keith’s lunchbox in the evening, I find red, heart-shaped love notes he has cut out of some office scrap paper and written—I know he has taken time out of a busy day to think of me.  And he usually calls during his lunch hour.

            Eating a nice dinner out is in our budget only a couple of times a year—and that is up from the early days of our marriage--but I can make a four course meal for two for the price of one entrée in an upscale restaurant, and enjoy doing it. Several times a year, we dress up, get out the china, light the candles, and have a meal I have worked on all day.  When the boys were little, I fixed them their own special meal—more along the lines of pizza than boeuf bourguignon--then explained how they could help mommy and daddy have a special time together by going to bed early, and staying there.  Besides the reward of their favorite meal, they could stay up late reading and talking to one another.  We occasionally heard thumps and giggles long after we would have ordinarily put a stop to it, but never once did they not fulfill their part of the bargain by interrupting us because we stressed to them how important their part was and they were thrilled to do it. 

            Marriage is a high maintenance relationship.  If you neglect it, it goes downhill in a hurry.  Do something today, no matter how small it may be—and whether or not the other one reciprocates--to keep that from happening.  Make sure it is something that will mean something to your spouse, not just to you!  Men and women are different that way (as if you hadn’t noticed).  Then choose another time to do it again—not just your anniversary or Valentine’s Day.  Do it sometimes for no good reason at all. Or isn’t keeping your marriage alive reason enough? 

            God expects you to romance one another.
 
Drink waters out of your own cistern, and running waters out of your own well.  Should your springs be dispersed abroad, and streams of water in the streets?  Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you.  Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth.  As a loving hind and a pleasant doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times, and be ravished always with her love.  Prov 5:15-20   
 
Dene Ward

We have already discussed an adult child’s obligations to his parents.  What about the parents’ obligations?  As we have indicated by the title, this relationship is a changing one.  After a child has grown, gone are the days when the parent can speak his opinion freely and expect it to be instantly accepted.  Instant obedience as a child was required.  Not so when the child is now running his own life.

              In fact, my first no-no for parents of adult children is to never try to control their lives.  “Adult” means “responsible” and unless you are willing to admit that you did a poor job of raising them, you should now be ready to sit back and see the results of your training, what should be a pleasant and satisfying prospect.  Failure in this area is usually caused by parents who want the vicarious thrills of their child’s achievements.  It’s not about you and what you want any longer.  This is his life and we need to be adults who can accept that fact.

              Another important no-no:  Do not come between couples.  And do not separate them either.  When my son comes to visit, I expect his wife to come too.  I would never ask him to come alone, yet I have heard of that very thing.  Your child-in-law should never feel unwelcome.  My husband and I are a unit.  You want one, you get both.  The same is true for your child and spouse. I covered this earlier in an in-law series, but it bears repeating:  your child’s spouse should feel love and acceptance in the family.  It is nothing but shameful when that does not happen.

              Next, and yet another big one, do not manipulate your adult child.  Do not use guilt trips.  Put “No one loves me,” “I guess you just don’t have time for me any more,” and “You never come to see me,” out of your vocabulary.  Recognize that your perspective may be skewed because you are not as busy as you used to be or you can no longer drive yourself a great distance so time passes more slowly and intervals between visits seem longer than they actually are.  Recognize that your child has obligations, obligations that you taught him to fulfill, like those to God, his wife and children, her parents, and his work.  Just what exactly were you doing at his age?  Probably the same things s/he is.

              Do not make the holidays a source of pain for everyone.  There are now two sets of parents to spend time with.  Accept your children’s  division of the time.  Believe me, they are doing their best, but too often both sets of parents want it all.  That simply will not work, and all your complaining does is ruin it for everyone.  They will grow to hate the holidays, and some of that is bound to rub off on you if you are the ones causing the problems.  Don’t allow your lives to be ruled by a calendar.  Work it out and make their time with you—whenever it is and for however long—something they will always cherish.

              And never, never, never use your grandchildren to get your way.  Anyone who uses a child is the lowest of the low.  Don’t even consider it.  And that includes deluding yourself that you are actually doing this in the child’s best interests, when it is obvious to everyone else that it is you who matters the most to you.

              Then there is the issue of losing your independence and their caring for you.  Sooner or later it will happen.  When the time comes, make caring for you easy and pleasant.  Stubborn refusal to follow doctor’s orders, take your medications, etc., will only cast a stumbling block in front of them as they try to fulfill their scriptural obligations, and you know what Jesus had to say about that.  Be realistic.  No one goes on forever.  (“Our outer man is decaying…”2 Cor 4:16.) When it is time to give something up, perhaps driving or living alone, do it gracefully.  Make caring for you the joy it should be to a grateful child.  Make your final years things they will miss instead of a relief to have over.

              This relationship bears obligations both ways.  I probably haven’t even touched them all, but these, and yesterday’s, are a good start.
 
Fathers [and mothers], do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. (Col 3:21)

Dene Ward

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor thy father and mother (which is the first commandment with promise), that it may be well with thee, and you may live long on the earth.  Eph 6:1-3. 

             Sometimes it seems to escape us of all people, we who preach the innocence of children as opposed to inherited total depravity, that the above passage cannot be directed at unaccountable children because children do not sin.  Jesus, in fact, directed this command to adult children in Matt 15:1-9.
So how do we as their children, but independent adults at the same time, honor our parents?
 
             Starting with Jesus’ point in Matt 15, we care for them, and that may indeed involve financial support.  But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God...But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.  1Tim 5:4,8
 
            It may mean taking them into our homes as they near the end.  It may also mean completely changing the family dynamic, where you become the parent and they the children, doing what is in their best interests whether they want it or not, and even if it adversely affects the relationship.  What used to be their responsibility is now yours.

            Part of that care involves your companionship.  Try telling your wife you love her and then never spending any time with her!  Especially if you are down to one widowed parent, you are the one who can come closest to replacing what she has lost.  If a Christian is commanded to “visit” (Matt 25:31-40; James 1:27), surely a child is expected to.  If you live a distance away, regular telephone calls, emails, or letters if your parent eschews electronics, should be part of your routine.  No matter how busy your life, this should be on your schedule, like brushing your teeth or taking a shower.  You may as well spit in their faces as ignore them or put them at the bottom of the “if I have time” list.

           Honoring your parents may involve some forbearance and longsuffering.  They are slower now, in body at least, if not in mind.  Things that seem trivial to us may mean the world to them.  Respect them by tolerating those things equably.  Don’t stand there tapping your toes and heaving frustrated sighs.  They do notice and all you will accomplish is stealing that small amount of happiness from a life that is nearly over. We cannot claim to be the Lord’s disciple and do otherwise:  We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.” Rom 15:1-3
             
             Honoring your parents literally involves your speech to and about them.
           “Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be put to death. Exod 21:17
             Consecrate yourselves, therefore, and be holy, for I am the LORD your God. Keep my statutes and do them; I am the LORD who sanctifies you. For anyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother; his blood is upon him. Lev 20:7-9
             
            Most of us wouldn’t stoop so low as actually cursing our parents, but how do you handle a disagreement?  How do you speak about them to others?  Is love and concern apparent, or just aggravation and annoyance?  What stories do you tell your children about their grandparents?  Do you spread your inability to get along with them to the next generation, even if you do feel justified, and so ruin any hope of a wonderful grandparent/grandchild relationship for them?  Remember, gossip is gossip no matter who it’s about.

              Honoring parents is a command we must obey as surely as baptism.  Too many times we rationalize our way out of the commandment just as our unbaptized neighbors do.
 
They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God's righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them. Rom 1:29-32
Dene Ward