Psalms 74 and 79, along with the books of Lamentations and Habakkuk, are national psalms of lament for the people of God.  In light of the year 2020, it seems like a good idea to explore them and make some application to our own country.
         Those two psalms will make you cringe in their horrific detail of destruction.  Women and young girls raped, leaders' bodies hung up for all to see, the Temple in ruins, mutilated corpses lying everywhere, far too many for the few left alive to bury.  Psalm 74 lists sacrilege after sacrilege:  God’s enemies standing in the meeting place; the intricate and artistic carvings of the Temple chopped to pieces by heathen axes, the sanctuary on fire, the dwelling place of God razed to the ground.  Psalm 79 uses opposites to the same effect:  the holy defiled; Jerusalem, the city of God, in rubble; God’s servants as carrion; and blood flowing like water in the streets.  Imagine seeing all this one horrible morning and then speaking to God these words:  Help us, O God of our salvation, 79:9.
         God of our salvation?  How could the psalmist possibly use that description?  Where in all this nightmare does he see salvation?
            The poet understood this basic truth:  even in this dreadful event, God is still seeking the salvation of His people.  He could still see a Father’s love behind the most severe discipline.
            Again in Psalm 74, the psalmist says, Yet God is my King of Old, working salvation in the midst of the earth.  Not just in the midst of the earth, but in the middle of all this horror, he can still see the true nature of God.
            Habakkuk in his lament ends with the same thoughts:  For though the fig-tree shall not flourish, Neither shall fruit be in the vines; The labor of the olive shall fail, And the fields shall yield no food; The flock shall be cut off from the fold, And there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in Jehovah, I will joy in the God of my salvation. Hab 3:17-18.
            What do we see when evil befalls us?  If all we feel is the pain, if all we see is the sorrow, Satan already has a foothold.  We must learn to use what happens in our lives as a steppingstone to Heaven, a lift to a higher plane of spirituality. 
            A single trial isn’t always punishment from God as it was for those people, but if not, it becomes even more important to see events in the correct way.  We are in a world that is temporary, that is tainted with sin.  Of course we will have problems.  Are we so naïve as to think that something Satan has poisoned will ever be good?  Jeremiah tells us in his lament, that if it weren’t for God there wouldn’t be anything good left in this world at all, Lam 3:22, and we have no right to expect it to be any different because "all have sinned." 
            If I cannot see the salvation of God even in the midst of trials as Jeremiah did, I am blind to who He is.  He is there, helping us prepare for a world where those things will be no more.  If I rail against Him when the trials come, I do not know Him.  Illness and death are the tools of Satan to lure us away, but with faith and the proper perspective--seeing the God of our salvation instead of the God of our pain--we can use Satan’s own tools against him as a road to triumph. 
            It is better to depart and be with the Lord, Paul said, Phil 1:23.  To die is gain for a Christian, v 21.  “O death where is thy victory, O death where is thy sting?  The sting of death is sin and the power of sin is the Law, but thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” 1 Cor 15:55-57)  If I see death as the victor, I am giving myself away—showing that my perspective is indeed unspiritual, immature, and faithless. 
            Is it easy to have this perspective, especially in the middle of a traumatic life event?  If this past year has cost you a job, a home, a lifestyle you have grown so accustomed to you almost consider it deserved, or the lives of loved ones, no, reading through a psalm will not make the bad things go away and your mattress suddenly be filled with roses.  We are still in this flesh and suffer that way.  But while in this flesh the Lord Himself conquered all these feelings and temptations, and expects us to follow His example, as difficult as it may be.  And He gives us the means to do it. 
            In the midst of trials such as the year we have just had, and which will not go away just because the calendar page turns to 2021, may we have the same insight that gave those ancient brothers and sisters of ours hope in the middle of a horror we can scarcely imagine:  He is, and always will be, the God of our salvation.
 
But as for me, I will look unto Jehovah; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me, Mic 7:7.
 
Dene Ward
 

Then Shemaiah the prophet came to Rehoboam and to the princes of Judah, who had gathered at Jerusalem because of Shishak, and said to them, “Thus says the LORD, ‘You abandoned me, so I have abandoned you to the hand of Shishak.’” Then the princes of Israel and the king humbled themselves and said, “The LORD is righteous.” When the LORD saw that they humbled themselves, the word of the LORD came to Shemaiah: “They have humbled themselves. I will not destroy them, but I will grant them some deliverance, and my wrath shall not be poured out on Jerusalem by the hand of Shishak. Nevertheless, they shall be servants to him, that they may know my service and the service of the kingdoms of the countries,.” 2Chr 12:5-8.
            It’s easy, when you find yourself in a trying situation, to make excuses for your behavior; to say, “Woe is me,” and expect everyone to sympathize with you and pat you on the back, not just occasionally or even often, but almost as if it were a daily penance on their part because you have to deal with the difficult and they don’t—at least in your mind.
            “Why is this happening to me?” can become a mantra if you aren’t careful.  Maybe God, in the passage above, answers that question.
            Judah repented when they learned the consequences of their disobedience and God repented their destruction.  But He did not stop their servitude to the king of Egypt.  “This way they will learn how to serve me,” he told the prophet.
            Did you ever think that maybe that “unjust” master (boss) was there to teach you service?  Or that difficult spouse? 
            Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly, 1Pet 2:18-19.
            Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct, 1Pet 3:1-2.
            Did you ever think that maybe that obnoxious neighbor or ornery brother in the Lord might be there to teach you patience and forbearance?
            Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing, 1Pet 3:9.
In fact, doesn’t God expect us to use every situation, whether blessing or trial to improve as His servant?  The sufferings we endure are meant to be opportunities for growth, not merit badges on a boastful sash.
            Suffering does not make us exempt to the call to service.  People in all situations of life have been serving God as hard as they can for as long as they can, whether rich or poor, sick or healthy, hungry or full, old or young, even in slavery, for thousands of years.  The place God puts us is the test of our faith.  Will you pass the test? 
 
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you, 1Pet 5:10.
 
Dene Ward

Today's sobering post is by guest writer, Keith Ward.
 
I’ve seen it on Facebook more than once: “I can’t wait for 2020 to be over.” But there is no magic in the turning of a page on the calendar.  Maybe it is time to take stock carefully from a biblical perspective.  Maybe the times we face are partially the result of, “Be careful what you pray for because you might get it.”

We look around us and everywhere there is wickedness.  When was the last time we voted, whichever party, for a person we believed in rather than the lesser of two evils? And speaking of two, now man has proclaimed there are 5 or 6 or more sexes.  Homosexuality is not just accepted but imposed.  Murder goes unpunished, victims do not count.  Abortion destroys millions of new lives every year.  Violence runs riot in the streets.  Lies and deception are the currency of both politics and business.  Hatred and racism explode.  Truly, things have become so bad that no one can conceive of a solution: there is no way back.  God is a foolish myth and crutch in the minds of the majority and the Bible is a collection of myths that were only needed by more primitive societies.   Religion is mocked, immorality praised, pornography runs rampant and a “relationship” is sex with the same person exclusively for at least a week.  When was the last time there was a nuclear family on TV that was not a 50s re-run? How can we repent when we “call evil good and good evil” (Isa 5:20)?

I have prayed about it, as have you.  I am not even sure what to say anymore when I pray for our country because everything has become so wicked. 
So, now, what if God has heard all our voices and this is the beginning of His reckoning with our nation, the beginning of “the day of the Lord, a day of darkness and not light” (Amos 5:18-20)?  If 2020 is the best year of the rest of our lives, how do we as Christians prepare?

Priority has to be to build our faith and that of our families.  I have served God fifty years and I am not sure I am ready for days like those of Habakkuk and Jeremiah and Ezekiel and Daniel: days of persecution from “the people,” uprooted and cursed and hated.  I like to think I could do it, but I will be upping my level of preparation.

How can one stand such trials when he has never put himself in the trial of opposing abortion openly? Or homosexuality? Or immorality?  How can one stand up with a faith prepared to die for the Lord when he rarely opens his Bible between services and never stands up for Jesus by declaring the truth of the gospel to fishing or football buddies?

We want our children to go to heaven in spite of such trials, but we have not helped them with questions about the reliability of the Bible, or the science that supports the Bible, or the history and archaeology that do the same because we have not learned these things ourselves.  We have not opposed the arguments against God with sound reasoning for God, so how do we or our children “stand your ground on the evil day, and having done everything, to stand?”  (Eph 6:13).
 
We want to stand the trials, but have not exercised spiritually to prepare for a hard race.  We have not memorized scriptures to call to our minds for strength, we have not studied and meditated to strengthen our confidence in our tie with God, we have not prayed the hours necessary to strengthen our holiness before God. 

When we do an honest analysis, many of us in many ways have not done all that well with the moderate trials of 2020.  We bicker whether the one wearing a mask or the one not wearing one has the most faith rather than loving brethren more than our opinions.  We complain about restrictions.  We are not picking up the slack in our ability to assemble by studying more, praying more, growing more.  Instead, many have become comfortable with TV church in our pajamas.

2020 may be, in fact, God’s grace, God’s “not willing that any should perish” warning, and time to face the judgment on our nation in our times.  If so, have you missed the opportunity?
 
"And they have healed the hurt of the daughter of my people slightly, saying, Peace, peace; when there is no peace.  " (Jer 8:11).
 
"For the hurt of the daughter of my people am I hurt: I mourn; dismay hath taken hold on me.  Is there no balm in Gilead? is there no physician there? why then is not the health of the daughter of my people recovered? " (Jer 8:21-22).
 
"For if these things are yours and abound, they make you to be not idle nor unfruitful unto the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ….  Wherefore, brethren, give the more diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never stumble: " (2Pet 1:8-10).
 
"I know thy works, that thou hast a name that you live , and you are dead.  You be watchful, and establish the things that remain, which were ready to die: for I have found no works of yours perfected before my God.   " (Rev 3:1-2).
 
Keith Ward

Roller coasters were never my favorite ride.  I much preferred Ferris wheels.  Riding it at night was a special treat—the cool air, always nice in Florida, whipping my hair around my face, the little flip my stomach gave as we came up and over the top and down to the ground, and, if I was really lucky, being at the top while the operator stopped to empty each swinging bench while I looked over the entire fairground and even saw deep into the streetlight-brightened city around us.
            But roller coasters?  They rattled my teeth, slung my head around painfully on my neck and didn't just flip my stomach, they yanked it up nearly into my throat.  I had boys, however, and Ferris wheels were far too calm and boring for them.  So roller coaster we did, up and down and around till I just knew the flimsy little car we sat in would fly off the track at any moment.
            Roller coasters have been around a long time.  They are direct descendants of huge ice slides, sometimes as high as 70 feet, which were popular in Russia in the 16th and 17th centuries.  Riders slid down them on sleds, crashing into a pile of sand at the bottom.  The French imported the idea, but since France was much warmer, they began using wax instead of ice.  They eventually added wheels to the sleds.  Then back in Russia, in 1817, the cars were finally attached to tracks.
            On August 16, 1896, Edwin Prescott was awarded a patent for the first Loop-de-Loop roller coaster, or as it was also called, a vertical loop.  In an attempt to improve comfort, he added rubber wheels and an elliptical shape to the loop rather than a circle.  Still, a lot of people complained.  The forces on the human body caused aches and pains that many did not care to experience.
            The same is true of living on a roller coaster in life.  While it is true that we will have our ups and downs, that peaks and valleys in life are normal, letting them have constant sway in our lives will make our faith vulnerable and the steadfastness God asks of us only an impossible dream.  Yes, we may falter once in a while.  Many passages speak of faith in flux, but as we mature in that faith, the flux should become smaller and smaller.  David speaks of the opposite of a roller coaster faith, even when he is running for his life in Psalm 57:7.  “My heart is steadfast, O God,” or, in several other versions, “My heart is fixed.”  In a time of fear when others would have wavered, David is able to keep his faith in God steady. 
            So the question is, how do we avoid the roller coasters in life?  First, let’s make it clear—you can’t avoid the park altogether.  I hear people talking about life as if it is always supposed to be fun, always easy, always good, and something is wrong when anything bad happens.  Nonsense.  We live on an earth that has been cursed because man sinned.  When God curses something, he does a bang-up job of it.  To think we would still be living in something resembling Eden is ridiculous. 
            We are all dying from the moment we are born.  Some of us just manage to hang on longer than others.  Some of us catch diseases because they are out there due to sin and Satan.  Some of us become injured.  Some of us have disabilities.  Some of us are never able to lead a normal life.  It has nothing to do with God being mean, or not loving us, or not paying attention to us one way or the other, and everything to do with being alive.  Everyone receives bad news once in a while—it isn’t out of the ordinary.  Everyone experiences moments of fear and doubt.  We all go through trials.  But just because you are in the park, doesn’t mean you have to get on the roller coaster.
            We must have a steadfast faith no matter what happens to us.  “The Lord is faithful; He will establish you…” 2 Thes 3:3.  Our hearts can be “established by grace,” Heb 13:9.  But those things are nebulous, nothing we can really lay our hands on in our daily struggles.  Am I supposed to just think real hard about God and grace and somehow get stronger?  Yes, it will help, but God knows we are tethered to this life through tangible things and He gives us plenty of that sort of help as well, help we sometimes do not want to recognize because of the responsibility it places upon us to act.  Why, if God gives us help, I no longer have an excuse for my failure, do I?
            We must be willing to be guided to that steadfastness by faithful leaders, 2 Thes 3:3-5.  We must be willing to obey God’s law, James 1:22-24, and live a life of righteousness, Psa 112:6, before steadfastness makes an appearance.  We must become a part of God’s people and associate with them as much as possible, Heb 10:19-25.  We must study the lives of those who have gone before and imitate their steadfastness, laying aside sin if we hope to endure as they did, Heb 12:1-2.  Every one of those things will keep us off the roller coaster.
            Yeah, right, the world says--to change one’s life and become part of God’s people, the church—for some reason those are the very things they will laugh to scorn.  And we fall for what they preach--a Jesus who “loves me as I am” without demanding any change, and divides His body from His being, labeling it a manmade placeholder for the true kingdom to come.  “I can have a relationship with God without having a relationship with anyone else,” we say, and promptly climb aboard the roller coaster, Satan laughing gleefully at us from the control booth.  Guess what?  That’s who we are having a relationship with.
            Get off the roller coaster now before he has you riding up and down so fast, with your head whipping back and forth at every dip and turn, that you are unable to reach the grounding your faith needs.  You may still have moments of weakness and doubt, but those things will grow less and less if you make use of the help God has given you.  You can have a steadfast faith, even if it finds you, like David, hiding in a cave from your enemies.  My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast…For your steadfast love is great to the heavens; your faithfulness to the clouds. Psa 57:7,10
 
Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58.
 
Dene Ward
 

Part 4 in a four part series.
 
            When caring for someone who is seriously ill, the caregiver often fails to care for herself.  I remember vividly the day my husband had some sort of attack that doctors were calling a stroke.  Meanwhile, I had a seriously abscessed tooth and an appointment for a root canal while he lay in the hospital.  I thought about canceling the appointment regardless the pain I was in, but his doctor looked at me and said, "Go take care of yourself so you can take care of him."  And that, indeed, is the bottom line.
            First I will give you the tips my friends have shared with me, and then we will talk about something else that many good Christian women wrestle with.
            1.  Schedule some time for yourself every day.  It may be devotional time with Bible study and prayer.  It may be exercise.  It may be journaling your feelings as you go through this process.  Whatever it is, make the time to do it.
            2.  Focus on the positives each day.  Don't dwell on the difficulties you encounter, or what life used to be like, or what retirement was supposed to be like.  Cherish each day and focus on creating sweet, new memories with your spouse.  Include your children and grandchildren whenever possible.
            3.  Plan an enjoyable outdoor activity for each day—a walk, a drive, sitting on the porch or in the yard, visiting a friend.  There is something emotionally healing about fresh air.
            4.  Take life slow and easy.  Do nothing in a rush.  Model the behavior that you have requested of the patient, and stay calm.
            5.  Take care of yourself physically—eating balanced meals on a schedule, drinking enough liquid every day, etc.  The last thing you need is to have your own health go downhill in a rush because you "don't feel like eating," or "don't have the time to eat," etc.
            6.  Above all, do not hesitate to ask for help from family, friends, and neighbors.  As members of the Lord's body, people should not just be mouthing, "Let me know if there is anything I can do," but actively looking for things to do for you.  If home and car maintenance are not your bailiwick, ask for help.  We are meant to serve one another and in this way you will not only aid the women in serving you, but the men too.  Trying to do it all will simply undo many of the things we have talked about as you become overtired and completely frustrated.  Making a martyr out of yourself is not the answer to anyone's problems, least of all the patient's.  ASK FOR HELP and don't be ashamed to do so.
           
            And now to that other issue.  Many women have problems taking on the role of caregiver, not because they do not wish to care for their very ill husbands, but because it requires them to, in their minds, usurp his authority as head of the house.  It is difficult for a woman who has been taught to be in subjection, honoring her husband as the leader of the home, to take over responsibilities and decision-making, especially when his weakened ability to think logically may have him trying to refuse the medical care he needs.  The doctor will look to the wife to decide upon the appropriate care and medication, and ultimately, when it might be time to seek care outside the home.  Let me see if I can help those women a little bit.
            I imagine everyone knows Bathsheba, but only in that sad instance of 2 Sam 11 and David's adultery and murder.  What we don't realize is that she seems to have become his favorite wife, bearing him at least four sons.  When David finally lay on his deathbed and his son Adonijah took over the throne against the plans of God and his father David, Nathan went to Bathsheba to tell her about it.  He obviously expected her to step in for her fatally ill husband.  With only a little persuasion she went to David and told him what was happening.  Nathan came in at the appropriate time and vouched for what she had told him.  That took care of the matter, then and there.  But what if Bathsheba had refused?  Let's face it, she had the most to gain because it was her son Solomon whom God wanted on the throne.  It probably looked self-serving of her at the least.  But David was so ill, he didn't even know what was going on; he certainly couldn't do anything about it himself.  Bathsheba looked to her husband's interests when he was no longer physically able.  (1 Kings 1)
            And then we have a very different example.  Abigail's extremely rich husband, Nabal, was "churlish and evil."  When David's men came to ask for some food—during a festival time when there was more than enough and after David's men had protected his workers and herds—he sent them away empty-handed with harsh, insulting words.  David was so angry he was ready to kill Nabal and everyone in his household.  Abigail went behind her husband's back and did what he refused to do, taking a generous amount of food to David and his army and their families, and giving him some wise and godly advice.  (1 Sam 25)
            Wait a minute!  How is that a good example?  This is how:  the man was drunk as a skunk.  He had no idea the danger he had put himself and his family and servants in.  Abigail may not have done what he wanted but she saved his life when he was too incapacitated to see the danger. 
            When your husband is no longer able to make decisions about the important things in your lives, he expects you to take over and do what is best for him.  She does him good and not evil all the days of his life, the Proverb writer says of the worthy wife (31:12).  My husband has told me certain things he wants me to do should he become unable to do or think on his own.  He expects me to carry out his wishes.  How is that usurping his authority?
            Talk to your husband now and find out what he wants.  Then when—if—the time comes, be a faithful wife, even if it means doing what his damaged mind no longer wants to be done.  You are not being a bad wife.  You are not being un-submissive.  You are, in fact, being the wife you ought to be, and there is no shame in that at all.
            I hope you have found these articles helpful.  My mother's ordeal is over.  Both she and Daddy have gone on to their rewards.  But my friend's trial continues, as it does for so many.  Today, join with me in a special prayer for those men and women as they fight fear, frustration, and grief to care for their loved ones in the best way they can.
 
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  (Isa 41:10).
 
Dene Ward

Part 3 of a four part series.
 
            As I have mentioned, and will keep on stressing, I am not a medical professional and will not attempt to give you any medical advice.  What I am sharing now has come straight from the caregivers, what worked for them and what did not.  You can look on the internet in several places and find other things to add here.  The things in this article come from their personal and practical experience.  I believe they might also be beneficial for visitors, or for those who offer care time while the caregiver is away running necessary errands.  These were shared by those who have been there and who want to help others with their hard-won wisdom and knowledge.
            1.  You must enter the Alzheimer's patient's world; do not expect him to understand or interact in your world any longer.  A basic tenet of education is "Start where the student is at."  The same is true of the Alzheimer's patient.  Don't try to make him do what he can no longer do.  If he wants to converse, then talk about the things he wants to talk about, but if he is no longer conversational, then you must do the talking and watch his reactions for signs of interest or lack thereof.  If he closes his eyes or turns his back, try another subject.
            2.  Address him by name ("Hello, Bob").  He may not reply but at least he knows he is not being ignored. 
            3.  Ask simple yes or no questions and give him choices whenever possible, but no more than two.  "Do you want ______ or ______ for supper?"  "Do you want to watch ________ or _________ on TV?"  Always be willing and able to live with whatever he chooses.
            4.  Don't say, "Do you remember__________?"  Instead, say, "I remember when we ______________," and allow him to say something, to nod or smile.
            5.  Find something to keep his hands busy.  Puzzles might be a good choice, but be aware that while you may have started with 1000 piece puzzles, you will gradually need to move to 500, 300, and even 100 piece puzzles as the illness progresses.  Pay attention to what is happening and his frustration level to know when to switch. 
            6.  On the occasion when something must be done (going to the doctor, getting dressed, taking a bath, taking medication), do not say, "Do you want to __________?"  Just say, "It's time to _________."  This avoids the problem of him answering your question with a "No," especially if it is something that simply must be done at a certain time.
            7.  Patiently answer the same question as many times as it takes, even if it is asked in rapid succession many times.  Use the same verbiage.  Control your frustration and answer it as if it is the first time he has asked.
            8.  Give simple three or four word instructions, helping him accomplish a task one step at a time.  Do not overburden him with too much information at once.  For instance, when he is dressing himself, you might need to tell which article of clothing to put on, one after the other and how to do it.  Another friend of mine had left her mother dressing herself for church and when she returned, found her with her slip on top of her dress.  Do not assume that the patient knows how to do anything the correct way anymore, but stand by and watch, ready to give one piece of information at a time, but only as needed.  For as long as possible, let them have their small victories.
            9.  Remember that you are the patient's anchor, especially when he begins following you around and seems nervous and clingy.  Be there for him and reassure him that you will not leave him.
            10.  And above all, remember that the patient is still a human being with feelings just like you.  They may not be able to verbalize and are limited in their abilities, but they will always remember who makes them feel good.
            The caregivers I have spoken to and I hope these things will help you as you travel a long, hard, and often lonely road.
 
And we urge you, brothers…encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.  (1Thess 5:14).
 
Dene Ward

Part 2 of a four part series.

Originally, this was the only article I planned to write.  Watching my mother and hearing from my friend made me intensely aware of things I had never known before—things they had to deal with that I would have never imagined.  In a way, this might be the most important of the three articles, though I guarantee you that those two women would have thought otherwise in their attitudes of humility and service. 
            I am listing these things in no particular order, but as they have come to me, from my observation, research, and discussions with and suggestions from those involved.  I imagine the order of importance is different for each case.  It will be up to you to look for these things yourself and decide what is needed for the people you are trying to help.
            1.  Do not ask the caregiver how the spouse is doing when that spouse is standing right there, or on the phone when you know the spouse can overhear that side of the conversation.  You never know how much he will understand and how it might make him feel.
            2.  Don't give medical advice.  Any physician would never think of impinging upon another physician's role.  How much less should someone with no medical training, or much less, such as an LPN?  This got so often and so bad for my mother, that she finally had to say something like, "I believe I will do what the doctor says."  That might have sounded a bit rude, but she had been pressured so often that she felt harassed and judged.  Please don't put a godly and already stressed out person in that situation.
            3.  Don't say, "I know how you feel."  Knowing someone who has Alzheimer's or dementia and dealing with it 24/7 as the primary caregiver are two entirely different things with two entirely different stress levels.  Even helping on a minimal basis, like an overnight stay or afternoon substitute, is far from the same thing.  If you have not done it, you don't know.  Period.
            4.  Don't say, "You make everything look so easy."  You don't see the struggles, the extra length of time, the often frustrating explanations it took to get a spouse up and ready to go to the doctor or to worship services or any other place.  That statement minimizes the caregiver's efforts and her sometimes almost super-human patience.
            5.  If you live in the same neighborhood as a caregiver, please keep an eye out.  For example, my mother went to take a shower one evening and when she got out, two strange men were sitting in her living room.  Turned out they were vacuum cleaner salesmen rather than criminals up to no good whom my daddy had let in with no idea what was up except to be friendly, especially since they often received church visitors in the evenings.  How much better if a neighbor had told those men, "Please don't bother my next door neighbors.  The husband is very ill and the wife is caring for him and doesn't need the interruption.  They wouldn't be interested right now anyway."
            Also be aware that Alzheimer's patients tend to wander.  If you see your ill neighbor out walking the street, go out immediately and talk him into going back home.  Listen to him if he tells you where he is going or who he is looking for, and say whatever is necessary to get him to go with you.  My mother put an alarm on her door after the vacuum cleaner salesmen episode, but my daddy was a tinkerer who could figure out how anything worked, and one night as she was again taking a shower, he figured out that alarm and took off looking for "his wife."  She ended up having to call the police to get him back home.
            6.  Send cards or small gifts, and if possible deliver them in person.  Even the least expensive, tiniest things will brighten a caregiver's day.  Due to things like #5 above, a caregiver often has no chance for her own doctor appointments or errands like buying groceries or getting a haircut or car maintenance.  If the situation is manageable, consider offering to spend some time with the patient while the caregiver gets a few things done.  That is often preferable to you doing it for her because it gets her out of the house and in a calmer situation for an hour or so.  Talk to the caregiver about what is best in her situation.  This will change from day to day and as the disease progresses.
            7.  This may be one of the most important:  Do not judge the caregiver's choices.  No one should be telling her that she is not being a good wife if she has decided that she can no longer take care of her spouse at home and must use a Memory Care Facility.  You may not realize that the disease has reached a point where she is now in danger.  If that seriously ill mate no longer knows her and thinks a stranger has invaded his home, what might he do to her?  I know that doctors will begin asking questions about weapons in the house.  One caregiver I knew had to pack up all of her cooking knives.  Another had to give all the guns in the house to another family member.  But those are not the only weapons available when someone is frightened enough to think he needs one.
            At some point, the caregiver's own health will begin to suffer.  Most men are bigger than their wives.  How will she pick him up if he falls?  Many of these patients suffer REM disorder and sleep fitfully with dreams they try to act out.  The caregiver will often go several days without any real sleep, and this will go on for years.  Eventually reaching the point where she decides he would be best cared for 24/7 in a facility is most emphatically NOT a sign that she is a disloyal or unloving wife who has broken her vows "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse."  It is no one's decision but hers, and none of us has any right to question it.
            If you have a friend or family member in the same situation, I hope these few things that have come straight from other caregivers will help you out.  And as I mentioned in our introductory article, please feel free to share any others below.
 
Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Gal 6:2).
 
Dene Ward

Number 1 in a four part series.
 
Today begins a four part series on the difficulties of Alzheimer's and how to help those dealing with it, both patient and caregiver alike.  I believe these might also be helpful for those dealing with dementia patients as well. 
Please notice:  I will not be approaching these as a professional on any level, but simply as someone who has seen it up close and who also has friends dealing with it.  I will not be giving medical advice beyond what the doctors have told me and my family and friends.  This is strictly practical information from those who have dealt with it firsthand, information that I hope will be a true service in helping and encouraging others. I also hope it will help us all to avoid saying and doing something hurtful, even with the best intentions.
            My father developed dementia gradually over the last twelve years of his life.  It was hard to watch a highly intelligent and competent man become as dependent as a child, and especially to see him forget who his wife of sixty-four years was, even as she patiently waited on him day after day.  I have a close friend whose husband is now traveling down the road of Alzheimer's.  I see the disease taking more of him every time I read one of her letters, and watch as she bravely faces the unknown every day.  These two, and others I have known, are my inspirations, and the primary source of the things I will write in this series.
            Please, if you are facing, or have faced, similar challenges yourself and have more to add, feel free to comment on the bottom of every article so that others can learn from you as well. It is better to put it on the article than on the Facebook link because it will eventually reach more people, especially as others discover it in the future from an internet search. As many problems as it might cause, one real benefit of the internet is reaching more people.  Please help me do that. 
            Too many times I have stood frozen in my tracks, not knowing what to do and totally unable to think as something happened to someone close to my heart or simply standing nearby, and then wished for days afterward I had known how to act and what to do, mentally flailing myself for being so clueless.  Let's see if we can help one another avoid that. 
            This is merely an introductory article.  The remaining three articles will run the next three days.
 
We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves.  (Rom 15:1).
 
Dene Ward

I was in the middle of making an excuse the other morning when suddenly I heard myself.  Yes, I was tired, I had a headache, and serious things were whirling around in my mind.  So surely my snappy tone of voice was understandable, wasn’t it?
            Let’s check this theory out.  Jesus is supposed to be my example.  Simply making the claim to be his disciple means I try my best to do what he would do.  So if I look at what had to be the worst time of his life on earth, the last twenty-four hours, then I can measure myself against the true standard.
            Over the Passover meal, when his disciples were once again arguing about who would be the most important in the kingdom, he finally lost his cool. “Shut up!  I have more important things on my mind than dealing with your petty concerns right now.”
            He was so concerned about the upcoming trials he would need to endure, he never once thought about what they might be going through, and left them to their fears and confusion.  “Grow up!” he told them.  “It’s high time you figured this out for yourselves.”
            When one of his best friends betrayed him, the other apostles were still murmuring among themselves about who it must be.  “Be quiet,” he said.  “This isn’t about you.”
            He was obviously in tremendous pain as he hung on the cross, so how could he even begin to worry about his mother and her care?  “Can’t you quit that sniveling?  You’re only making things worse.”
            Well, that’s how it might read if it were me going through those trials.  Instead, Jesus left an example that shows me there is no excuse for poor behavior.  Despite what he was going through, the like of which I have never had to endure, he kept his thoughts on others.  He kept his voice tempered.  He kept his actions loving.  Not even his enemies suffered a tongue-lashing of the type I find so easy to dish out when I am upset or do not feel well.
            For you see, God does not allow trials in our lives so we will have excuses for sin.  He allows them so we will grow and get stronger.  When I excuse my behavior because of what I am going through, I fail the test.  Unless I recognize where I failed and determine not to do it again, I will not get stronger; I will only get weaker.  In the process I will make it more likely that the next time I will fail again.  And again.  And again.  Till there is no more need for trials at all because Satan has me exactly where he wants me, and I am too weak to even think about fighting back.  Even those I claim to love will know to stay away from me when things are not going well, and so my last avenue of help is also gone.
            The sad truth of the matter is the one who is best at making excuses is one poor excuse for a Christian.
 
For hereunto were you called: because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow his steps:  who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth:  who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered threatened not; but committed himself to him that judges righteously:  who his own self bare our sins in his body upon the tree, that we, having died unto sins, might live unto righteousness; by whose stripes ye were healed.  For you were going astray like sheep; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls,  1 Peter 2:21-25.
 
Dene Ward

It happens every year, April and August, that's when the snakes start moving.  In April, I am not sure if they are newly hatched and out to find their own territory, or if the warmer weather just has them moving again after the cold-blooded lethargy of winter.  In August, maybe they are looking for a hole to stay warm in during the upcoming winter.  Whatever the reason, that's when we see the most snakes around here, April and August, which my boys and I began calling "the A months" after we noticed the phenomenon many years ago.
              Yesterday I went out to fill the bird feeders.  I had walked right past them half a dozen times as I circled the property with Chloe and had no reason to suspect anything.  As soon as I stepped in the fallen seed directly beneath the feeder closest to the house, something moved.  I had seen absolutely nothing until then.  But crawling away from me as quickly as it could was a juvenile Something Snake.  It took a minute to register that it had a diamond pattern on its back and its head was wider than its neck.  By then it had found shelter at the base of an azalea, amid several two inch diameter limbs that formed a nice little hidey-hole. 
              I dropped my bucket of seed and ran around the house to where Keith was blowing leaves (a spring event in our area).  Even without his hearing aids, he knew the look and the run and came back with me.  With our own version of sign language I explained, and we were both almost certain we were talking about a rattler, one so small (18-20 inches) that it had no rattles yet.  He had picked up a two by two and sent me in for the .22 rifle and ratshot.  As he stomped around the bushes, I stood out from them with rifle cocked and ready.  Ask my boys—with a gun I am death on snakes.  Nothing came crawling out of the limbs or leaves, so he picked up his blower, a heavy-duty gasoline model that would make a small snake feel like it had been in a category 5 hurricane, and we went at it again.  Still no snake, so we were sure it had crawled away while I had run off looking for help.
              After lunch (dinner in the rural South) we were out to finish up the interrupted feeding.  As soon as Keith stepped up to that same spot of fallen seed under the feeder, another snake took off.  Both of us jumped back, but it was only a garter snake this time, bigger, but not dangerous, and helpful with rodent control.  We were instantly reminded about "the A months."  Neither one of us had seen either snake despite looking right at the ground.  God gave these creatures camouflage and it certainly works.  But today as I made my rounds, my eyes never left the ground.  My ears stayed open for scaly slithers through the leaves and warning rattles.  I may think I am on guard constantly, but now I am on guard in a much more careful way than before.
              We need to beware of "the A months" in our lives.  We have already been bitten by the Snake, but he is still out there waiting to pump even more venom into our hearts at every opportunity.  So what are our "A months?"  Maybe it's one of those days when the traffic is particularly bad, you have a flat tire, and then spill coffee on yourself before you even get to work at a job where the boss is imperious and your colleagues unfriendly.  Maybe it's an illness that has you ready to nurture your grouchiness instead of trying to put it aside.  Or maybe the kids are especially loud while you are dealing with a headache and an air conditioner that's on the blink in mid-July.  Whatever it is, be aware.  Don't let the snake hiding in the grass get hold of you.  Carry a two by two or even a rifle.  Do whatever you must to avoid the danger. 
              We wish we had managed to find that baby rattler.  I am happy that he left our yard, but he is still out there in the nearby woods where he can find a mate and make even more of them.  The more times you beat the devil, the more times he will leave you alone, at least for a while, but if you let him win, he will come back the more often.
              It's an "A month" out there—for the rest of your life.  Be careful.
 
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you…  (Jas 4:7-8).
 
Dene Ward