You may not be in this blessed situation, but I am confident you know someone who is. Please read through the following written by a godly grandmother and a dear friend of mine. Perhaps you will have occasion to share some of her information with someone who is in pain and feeling lost and alone. Joanne Beckley
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I know parenting my grandchildren is the hardest thing I have ever done! It is harder than raising my own children. I have had to raise my grandchildren with both parents in the home, with just my husband and myself and then with just me and my son. Each phase had challenges. In living through our situations and in talking to others who have had to raise their grandkids, I have learned a few things.
Each situation is different. Pretty basic but true. There isn't going to be a road map. We are living in a time when the number of grandparents raising grandkids is growing. It could be as simple as both parents having to work and needing free daycare, or as complicated as the heartbreak of sin crushing the family, but parents are being called upon to play the role of parents, round two. Satan knows our weaknesses and will have PLENTY of opportunities to test our faith no matter what the situation. Remember, whatever we are called upon to do, God will be with us IF we put Him first with any situation we are presented, and if the solution is based on the principles of God's word.
The first step is to PRAY! If you find yourself raising grandkids you need to pray often and pray specifically. Talking to God allows you to be honest and put order to your situation. If the home has been torn apart by sin there may be things happening behind the doors of your home you don't want to share with others, but God not only can carry the burden, He wants to. Let your grandkids see you in quiet, personal prayer and let them hear you pray. Let them know you are praying for them and their situation and for strength from God to do good toward EVERYONE involved. (Not always easy when sin is involved, but possible, plus right doesn't always equal easy.)
REST... This is certainly harder than it seems. You are approximately twice the age you were when your kids were the age of your grandkids! You are probably under stress. You have other stresses in your life than you did when raising your children. Sometimes rest is more of a nightmare than a pleasure. But whether you have the children part of the day or they live in your home, you need REST. Simplify other areas of your life as you can. Find outside help if it is available. I know it is easier to write this than it is to actually get the rest.
What you can OFFER... As I said before, each situation is different. Are the children babies, toddlers, school age? Why are they in your home? Is it permanent or temporary? What kind of stability are they coming from? Remember, no matter what the situation you have something to offer them–GOD. Teach, teach, teach. Let the children know GOD LOVES THEM. Let them know the security and love you have for them comes from a source that is overflowing with love. All children need to know and feel God's love for them but children who are outside the family structure God created have a greater need to fill. If their parents are in and out of their lives, the children can carry a misplaced burden of responsibility and feel less than secure. It has become your job to fill their bucket but to also let them know God is the source of all love.
Structure... It is up to you to give structure and routine to their lives. This includes day-to-day but also includes preparing them for changes. If you have been made a guardian or if one parent has custody, there may be visitation. If courts are involved, there may be visits by governmental agencies. If sin is involved that includes illegal activity, it may even mean visitation to jails or prisons. Each one of these and more presents challenges of explaining the situation to the child, making sure the child understands it is NOT their fault, and dealing with the emotional stresses the child is going to have. Children hurt, are embarrassed, or as one 4 year old said, "I just want my old life back!" They are dealing with adult situations and don't have the wisdom and knowledge to order their emotions. DO NOT, however, let the situation rule - don't let the situation take the blame for bad behavior. Use the time you have to talk about why the child is with you and that CHOICES were made by their parents (without laying blame) and their choices have consequences. Good choices - good consequences, bad choices – bad consequences. Choices affect those around us in good and bad ways.
Attitude... One of the hardest parts of raising the grandchildren in my situation is MY attitude. Much of my prayer life is in trying to adjust my attitude. I slide in and out of emotions: anger at the situation, guilt that I didn't do a better job with my children and that's why I'm where I am today, embarrassment at the choices that created the situation in the first place, anger that I don't get to spend my time as I would like, worry I'm doing the right thing or in some situations whether the kids are safe, frustration toward various and sundry, etc. The apostle Paul called on us to be content but when we are doing what we know is the God given role of another we struggle with how and why we are to do it. Satan is a master of twisting our emotions and wasting our energy on emotions rather than solutions. It's not that we aren't to have emotions, just don't let them paralyze you, but instead, spur you to prayerful, godly action.
If you have one parent (or both) living with you, make THEM responsible for the decisions involving the children. It is easy to answer by default but it is not right. You may be a caregiver but you are not the parent. It is the parents’ decision as to whether or not the child gets the flu shot, goes to a sleepover, takes a class, participates in an activity - not yours. They should consult you if it involves you, but the decision is theirs and the responsibility is theirs to pay for, transport them to, or do what ever is required to fulfill that decision. Make them responsible for the care of the children and the belongings of the children. Yes, they may work all day but if they didn't live with you, how much more would they be called on to do. Allowing them the opportunity to succeed and fail is a gift you give them. You are saying to your child, "I see you as an adult and believe in you and your abilities. I know you will succeed and fail and in both you will learn and grow to be a better person and a better parent." If you have the children living in your home, keep pictures of their parents in their room. Don't talk about the family, legal, or medical situations in front of them. Avoid saying anything against either parent in front of the children. At the same time don't feel you have to "create" good parents for the child. Their parents are who they are. They probably have both good and bad traits. We all do. Creating a totally good parent by not discussing bad behavior gives the child a false picture as does focusing only on bad traits.
Be honest in conversations. One hard thing for me is to keep your business, your business. Family and friends mean well but not all of them want to know everything. Most of the time if they ask how things are going they just want to know degrees--good, better, best-- not details. That being said, have a friend you can bare your soul to. Let children know they can talk to you but don't try and force conversations. Often at bed time when lights are out kids will open up with questions and comments. Try to keep time open in the evening to sit with the children as they go to bed and listen to them.
I don't know if these are helpful. They are what I have learned and observed. I am sure there are a thousand more things that could be said, but basically it is just be godly, be there for the children involved and for the parents, and be open to God to lead you through.
Courtesy of Joanne Beckley
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