We had a long drive ahead of us that day, one on unfamiliar winding backroads, so we were both watching carefully for hairpin turns and highway numbers which seemed to rise up out of nowhere.  More than once we nearly missed a turn.

            At least the scenery was beautiful, hills carpeted in autumn colors, green valleys and lakes reflecting the clear blue skies, red barns, silver silos, white rail fencing snaking over the rolling pastures.  Then suddenly we passed an old homestead.  The barn had fallen in on itself, the fencing was obscured by weeds and grass.  Even the foundation lay in a heap of crumbled rubble—except for the red brick fireplace that stood straight and solid in the center of the home site.

            I couldn’t help but wonder how many fires had warmed the house when it stood, and how many generations had gathered around that hearth before the house was finally destroyed.  And wasn’t it intriguing that something big enough and strong enough to destroy a house would leave a fireplace completely unscathed?  No crumbling, no cracks, not even any smoke damage.

            Hearths have symbolized warmth, security and traditional family values for centuries.  Just as today our kitchens tend to be the center of the home, the hearth was that center in earlier times.  And just like that fireplace that stood alone after the destruction of the house, when our life takes a bad turn, the home and family you come from can be the reason you make it through those times.

            The values instilled by your parents can make you or break you.  Work ethic, determination, integrity, honesty, and above all, service to God and others—these are the things that will help you stand when others fall.  And these are the things your children need to see and hear in you for exactly the same reasons.

            The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, the old saying goes, but it’s actually a pair of hands, maybe 3 or 4 pairs—parents and grandparents that mold young minds through teaching and especially example.  God meant for us to be their role models, not some famous athlete, singer, or actor, not some politician or businessman, not even some big name preacher.

            Long after you are gone, that fireplace will stand in your child’s heart.  No matter what comes his way, what you have taught him will see him through.  Be sure you have laid the bricks well.
 
Things that we have heard and known, that our fathers have told us. We will not hide them from their children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the LORD, and his might, and the wonders that he has done…which he commanded our fathers to teach to their children, that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and tell them to their children, so that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments; Ps 78:3-7.
 
Dene Ward

God makes it plain in the Old Testament exactly how He feels about human sacrifice, specifically sacrificing one’s children as a part of pagan idol worship.  It is “an abomination;” it “shall not be found among you;” it “defiles you;” it “pollutes the land;” it “did not even enter into [God’s] mind” to command such a thing” (Deut 12:31; 18:10; Ezek 20:31; Psa 106: 37,38; Jer 32:35).
 
           And I suppose most of us think we are past that—we would never participate in something so heinous; we would never be caught up in worshipping an idol to the point that our children no longer mattered to us.  Think again.

            How many people have sacrificed their children to their careers?  And don’t automatically jump to working mothers.  God holds fathers accountable as the spiritual leaders of their families, especially in raising their children (Eph 6:4).  Too many fathers delegate everything to the mother, expecting her to somehow communicate to his children that he loves them, even when he spends practically no time at all with them, when he regularly misses piano recitals, school programs, or ball games; when he has never drunk an imaginary cup of tea at a tea party; when he has never read a bedtime story; when he has never dried a tear or given a hug, changed a diaper or given a bath, helped with a science project or played catch.  Career-minded, status-conscious, money-grubbing parents need to give thought to what they are sacrificing.  When you chose to have children, you chose to sacrifice yourselves, not them.

            And maybe this is the place for the blood being shed in the name of my body, my rights, and my choice.  Abortion is nothing more than human sacrifice so I don’t have to bear the responsibility of my actions.  I, me, and mine are the biggest idols we have today, and precious souls are bearing the brunt of that pagan ritual to the idol of self.

            And we also have those who sacrifice their children on the altar of their own feelings and opinions.  The sermon hurt my feelings, the elders told me I had to change my lifestyle, this brother or that sister came and told me I needed to repent of my sins, so I won’t go back to that church ever again.  And guess what?  Your children miss growing up among godly people, attending Bible classes that would have helped you teach them about God, and at least hearing the gospel every Sunday, whether anything you did at home ever cemented it into their minds or not.  You may not have sacrificed them to Molech, the heathen god most often associated with child sacrifice, but you actually did worse—you sacrificed them to the maker of those “abominations”—Satan Himself.  He is the one who will swoop in and claim those young souls, who have now learned from you that God isn’t all that important after all.

            Child sacrifice is alive and well in the world today, and too many of us are guilty, too.
 
“Therefore say to the house of Israel, Thus says the Lord GOD: Will you defile yourselves after the manner of your fathers and go whoring after their detestable things? When you present your gifts and offer up your children in fire, you defile yourselves with all your idols to this day. And shall I be inquired of by you, O house of Israel? As I live, declares the Lord GOD, I will not be inquired of by you, Ezek 20:30-31.
 
Dene Ward
 

Entitlement—the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

    I wish I had a nickel for every conservative politician, even every Christian, I’ve heard complaining about people who have entitlement issues.  The ones who act like the world owes them a living; like they should never have to reap the consequences of their sown wild oats; who think that having money or, interestingly enough, NOT having money, makes them exempt from the laws of the land.  While I find myself agreeing with most of those opinions, I also see this:  every one of them, politician and Christian alike, has an entitlement issue of his own.

    First there is the husband who wants everything done in a certain way, even if it is a lot more work for his wife; who demands certain foods cooked a certain way and served with certain other foods or he refuses to eat it; who requires every item of clothing pressed, even if they are permanent press and no one else will know the difference; who wants his big boy toys because he’s “worked hard and earned it,” even if it means others in the family will do without.  After all, he is the head of the house.

    Then there is the wife who wants everything the neighbors have, even if the neighbor makes a lot more money; who thinks she must have plenty of time and money allotted for preening; who considers sacrificing for her family a kind of torture; who believes that life is for recreation and begrudges every minute she must spend caring for the children or keeping the house or cooking meals; who recites her list of woes to anyone who will listen every time she has the opportunity so she can be properly pitied and praised for dealing with them.  After all no one should have to go without a new pair of shoes for every outfit.

    And don’t forget the children these two raise:  selfish, materialistic whiners who are never satisfied; who think that their parents owe them every new electronic gizmo the world creates; and who never once utter the word, “Thank you,” much less actually treat their parents with enough respect and courtesy to even look up from their phones and carry on a civil conversation.  After all, they didn’t ask to be born so they deserve everything they want to make up for it.

    Do you think these attitudes hasn’t invaded the church?  Where do you think we get those members who refuse to do as they are asked for the sake of visitors from the community?  Why, no one can have my perfect parking place (under the shade tree) or my perfect seat (in the rear).  Why do you think we have people who treat their precious opinions like the first principles of Christianity—basic and undeniable, and shame on anyone who isn’t as enlightened as I am?  Where do they come from, the people who will raise an argument about the trivial just to show their smarts and regardless of who may need the larger point being made?  Or the ones who, when they suffer, raise their fists at God and complain, “I’ve served you all my life.  Why me?” as if they could have ever earned any blessing at all?

    And why do you think we have such a hard time overcoming a single besetting sin?  “That’s just the way I am,” we think, as if the Lord should count Himself blessed to have us and overlook it.

    Yes, we are all guilty.  And what does Jesus have to say about that when he hears us pontificating about “those people” with entitlement issues?
Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye, Matt 7:3-5.

    Be careful the next time you rant about entitlement.

Dene Ward

Blessed is everyone who fears the LORD, who walks in his ways! You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the LORD. The LORD bless you from Zion! May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life! May you see your children's children! Peace be upon Israel! Ps 128.

            Nearly every commentator believes the Psalms of Ascents (120-134) were psalms sung by families as they made their way up the hill (ascending) to Jerusalem to worship on the feast days, especially the agricultural feast days of Passover, Tabernacles, and Weeks.  As such you see in your mind’s eye the extended family of parents, children, grandparents, and perhaps maiden aunts or other singles stepping out to the tune of these psalms, year after year, a tradition kept by every generation.  This particular psalm is a picture of the life that family leads the rest of the year, another routine that some might even consider dull but which God calls blessed.

            The father works, but the implication is not one of a career-minded workaholic.  This man labors for his family, to provide those meals they meet around the table to eat together and the sacrifices they are able to make on their annual pilgrimages. 

            The mother is “a fruitful vine within the house.”  That does not mean she never steps outside the door—it means she, too, is family-oriented.  Like the ideal woman of Proverbs 31, caring for her family may force her to leave the home occasionally, but she is the direct opposite of that other woman in Proverbs:  She is loud and wayward; her feet do not stay at home; now in the street, now in the market, and at every corner she lies in wait, Prov 7:11-12.

            This blessed family meets at the table every evening and has their meal together.  And several times a year they make that journey to Jerusalem, to God’s Temple, to the assembled worship prescribed by the Law.  When I think about this family, I think of my childhood.  Every Sunday we had a routine.  We rose, ate breakfast together, and then dressed to go meet with the saints.  No one ever asked where we would be or what we would do on Sunday.  We all knew exactly where we would be and what we would be doing.

            When I raised my family, the same thing happened.  Maybe the routine was a little different, but it was a routine.  My boys never had to ask what or where.  They knew.

            And now I watch my son and his family doing the same thing.  It may be a different routine, but it leads them to the same place—a meeting with the people of God.

            A lot of people think that routine is useless, that since it is so much routine it no longer has any meaning.  But consider this for one minute.  What if we had to do this in secret?  What if the church had been bankrupted because of its beliefs, its leaders fined or even jailed, and our only recourse was to go “underground?”  This country is fast moving in that direction.  These things may not happen in our lifetimes, but our children or grandchildren will almost certainly face them.  I know God has a plan, but His plans have not always meant that none of His people suffered or even died.

            What you look at with disdain today may sometime in the future be a distant memory of how well we had it.  Of families that could meet every Sunday in a place they had pooled their resources to buy, with a sign on the side of the road that proclaimed who we are and what we were doing:  Christians meet here.

            Suddenly, the routine you consider boring and unmeaningful will be the thing you wish you had appreciated far more when you had it.  Think about that and appreciate it like you ought to today.

 

I was glad when they said to me, “Let us go to the house of the LORD!” Our feet have been standing within your gates, O Jerusalem! Jerusalem— built as a city that is bound firmly together, to which the tribes go up, the tribes of the LORD, as was decreed for Israel, to give thanks to the name of the LORD. There thrones for judgment were set, the thrones of the house of David. Pray for the peace of Jerusalem! “May they be secure who love you! Peace be within your walls and security within your towers!” For my brothers and companions' sake I will say, “Peace be within you!” For the sake of the house of the LORD our God, I will seek your good, Psalm 122

Keith had to have some fairly serious surgery last year and since he is 90% deaf, the doctor arranged for me to be in his hospital room as his caregiver 24/7.  He does read lips fairly well, but lip reading is not the perfect solution to the problem.  He must “fill in the blanks,” so to speak, as his mind tries to interpret the sounds his ears miss, which is most of them.  It takes a lot of concentration, and when he is tired or does not feel well, he simply cannot hear at all.  But over the years I have learned how to communicate in all the various ways, from hand signals to pantomime to pointing at people or things to carefully wording without overdoing the mouth movements or using too many words. 

            So for six days we were both away from home and wouldn’t you know it, it was the height of garden season.  When we came home I had to do it all because he couldn’t even lift more than 10 pounds for two months, let alone bend over to pick vegetables or drag hoses.  That first week was the worst.  I picked every morning, sprayed the whole garden twice, (we’re talking an 80 x 80 garden here), pulled cucumber vines covered with blight, chopped out and hauled away the old corn stalks, placed folded newspapers under 50 cantaloupes so they wouldn’t rot on the ground (a very thin-skinned variety), cleaned out weed-choked flower beds, put up both dill and red cinnamon pickles, and picked and tossed 8 five gallon buckets of squash and cucumbers that did not have the grace to stop growing while we were in the hospital!

            Of course we all know that is not going to happen.  The plants continue to grow, the blossoms continue to set, and the fruit grows far larger than you ever imagined it could.  The back field looked like a marching band had gone through throwing out big yellow saxophones as they passed.

            It works that way with children too.  I can think of dozens of things we planned to do with our boys when they were little—things we never got to.  Sometimes it was a case of no money, but sometimes we just let life get in the way.  I wrack my brain trying to remember if there was anything we planned that we actually accomplished at all!  But just like gardens, children keep on growing.  They don’t stop to wait until you have more time to spend with them, or more resources to spend on them.  They won’t wait till you get a bigger house or an easier job or a raise.  They won’t wait until your life is exactly like you want it.  If that’s what you are waiting for, it will never happen.  You have to set your own priorities and make it happen.

            Every summer I made my boys a chore list.  I am sure they remember it fondly!  No, probably not, but on that list was this:  “Play a game with mom.”  Guess which “chore” they never skipped?  Sometimes it was checkers, sometimes it was monopoly, sometimes it was even pinochle, a game they learned with some of their dad’s commentaries set up on the table to hide their hands because they were too small to hold all the cards at once.  Sometimes it was one of the board games I made to help them with their Bible knowledge.  And every day we had Bible study of some kind, whether just talking about things between the bean rows as we picked together or a formal sit down study. 

            These are just some ideas to help you along.  We have all heard the old poem “Children Don’t Wait.”  It’s true, and last summer I thought about that even more as I looked out over the overgrown garden.  Maybe my grandsons will reap a little from the repeat of a lesson that is never taught enough.

And he said unto them, Set your heart unto all the words which I testify unto you this day, which you shall command your children to observe to do, even all the words of this law. For it is no vain thing for you; because it is your life...Deut 32:46-47.

Dene Ward

            Now Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lappidoth, she judged Israel at that time, Judg 4:1.

            Do you know anything about Lappidoth?  I know he was Deborah’s husband and that is all.  He is mentioned nowhere else in the entire Bible.  Yet because of his amazing wife his name was written down for everyone to read for thousands of years.

            No, it was not because God ordained that a wife have no identity without her husband, as some feminists might try to argue. Have you ever googled your own name or simply looked it up in your city’s telephone directory?  Somewhere in the world there is someone else with the same name as you, first and last.  Imagine how many there are with just your first name.  I can find six Marys in the New Testament alone. 

            It was necessary to identify people in the scriptures by their parents or spouses or children in order to make it plain who was being talked about.  There was at least one other Deborah in the Bible, the nurse of Rebekah, in Gen 35:8.  I imagine there were many other little girls named Deborah throughout Israel, especially after the time of Judges 4.  Miriam, after all, is the Hebrew for the Aramaic Mary, of whom we have so many in the first century AD.  Surely the great woman judge was a worthy namesake too.

            So what is the big deal about Lappidoth?  Just this—he was mentioned because of his wife, and he is respected because of his wife.  Whom you marry can make or break you in your career, in your reputation in the community, and most important, as a servant of God.

            How many times have you heard it said, or even said yourself, “He would make a good (elder, preacher, Bible class teacher, deacon) if not for his wife?”  God made woman so man would not be alone and so he would have a suitable helper in life.  David says, “[Jehovah] is our help” in Psalm 33:20, using exactly the same Hebrew word describing God as the one God used of woman in Gen 2:15.  Part of the help God gives men is the women who stand beside them.  There is nothing demeaning about being a tool in the hand of the Lord.

            Maybe the problem is men who do not recognize their duty to spiritually lead the family, “nourishing and cherishing” their brides, as Christ did the church.  Keith is the one who taught me how to study.  “And created a monster,” he always adds.

            Inevitably though, the onus falls on women who will not be led, who will not grow, who use their freewill instead to rebel against God.

            Jesus told a parable in Luke 14 about people who would not follow Him.  The point of the parable was the lame excuses people will make, but I can read at least one of those excuses in a different way.  When the Lord presents him an opportunity, I would hate for my husband to have to say, “I have married a wife and therefore I cannot come.”

A worthy woman who can find? For her price is far above rubies.  The heart of her husband trusts in her and he shall have no lack of gain.  She does him good and not evil all the days of his life.  Her husband is known in the gates where he sits with the elders of the land.  Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears Jehovah, she shall be praised, Prov 31:10-12, 23,30.

Dene Ward

            We have another hawk nest, this one in the oak northeast of our bedroom window, the closest any have ever come.  But that isn’t the only nest we have this spring.

            The grape arbor to the west of the boys’ bedrooms is housing a dove’s nest, not the first time for that either.  This past winter we had a brown thrasher visit the feeder for the first time.  It is a big bird, about the same size as the mockingbird who also came calling for the first time.  We noticed afterward that the thrasher and its mate often flew around the carport, and finally a couple of weeks ago, Keith spotted its nest in the oak tree on the southeast corner of the carport, the mother’s tail feather the only thing visible from the ground.  And then we found the mockingbird’s nest in the water oak where we back out of the carport to head down the drive—four speckled, pale blue eggs in a perilously low slung limb.  Just this past weekend we finally saw the chicks—four orange mouths opened wide.

            While I am certain we have had other nests in all these years, this is the first time we have known where four were and could keep tabs on them.  It isn’t just curiosity.  I learned years ago when the first hawks set up housekeeping in the big old pine east of the garden that you can learn a lot from watching these creatures.

            The newest hawk couple plays tag-team parenting.  Every morning she calls from the nest, and if I am outside I can hear him answer from a long way off.  Gradually he flies in closer, the back and forth conversation continuing the whole time.  Then he will land in the top of the oak, ten to fifteen feet from her.  I suppose it takes her a minute to get herself up and around.  She is usually hunkered down so low in the nest you can see nothing but the round top of her head and maybe her eyes, even with a pair of binoculars.  Finally he flies to the nest and as soon as he lands she takes off, giving him room to set for awhile as she tends to her own business.  In the evening he brings her food so she doesn’t have to leave, and then roosts for the night nearby, a sentry guarding his family.

            When the first hawk chicks hatched four years ago, watching those parents in action could keep me occupied for a long time.  At first the father brought the food while the mother sat keeping the little ones warm.  After they had grown a bit and could be left alone for a short while, both parents were bringing food.  Back and forth they flew at least half the day.  It took that much to keep them fed. 

            As the babies grew older and larger, the mother often perched on a limb next to the nest for it was now too crowded.  But once, those rowdy youngsters got to playing too wildly.  I wondered if they might not be in danger of falling out of the nest.  Evidently the mother thought the same thing because she jumped into the nest, spread her wings and began tapping down on the chicks’ heads, gradually calming them.  Before long she hopped back out and they remained still and quiet.  I could just imagine her telling them, “Now behave yourselves or you’re going to be hurt!”

            Have you seen the “hurt bird” trick?  Whenever we walk near the grape arbor, the mother dove leaves the nest, flying to the ground not too far away, and walks, dragging a wing.  She is trying to lure what she sees as a predator away from her babies by making herself seem like an easy mark.

            The mockingbird mother will fly as close as she has ever dared come to us, then land on a nearby limb any time we approach her nest.  We watch her carefully to avoid being attacked as we stand on our toes to peer in.  As soon as we leave she is in the nest checking on her babies.

            Another time I came upon a cardinal couple in those days when I could still safely walk lap after lap around the fence line of the property.  They sat on the fence just ahead of me, the male between me and the female.  Ordinarily cardinals will fly at the least hint of danger.  That male would not leave the fence as I closed in on him.  Finally I was close enough to the female beyond him that she flew off into the wild myrtles across the fence.  The minute she was safe he flew too.  Chivalry may be dead in humans, but evidently not in the avian world.

            I know these birds are only doing what God put into them.  They are following instinct, but it seems to me that we could learn a lot from them.  If God thought these attributes, the care and discipline of the young and providing for and protecting the family, were important, shouldn’t that be important to us too?  Why do things like worldly success, prestigious careers, and boatloads of money and possessions seem to take all of our time and energy, while our children subsist on our leftovers, of which there is often precious little? 

            I have seen hawk parents teaching their children how to hunt so they can survive.  I have seen human parents send their children to Bible classes with blank lesson books, or no books or Bible at all.  I have seen cardinal parents feed their children one sunflower seed at a time, a slow and tedious process.  I have seen human parents plop their children in front of the TV to keep them entertained for hours, heedless of what it does to their minds.

            When a bird knows better than we do how to care for their young, we are in a sad state.  Maybe God put these examples in front of us to teach us a thing a two.  Being “bird-brained” might not be such a bad thing after all.

You make springs gush forth in the valleys; they flow between the hills; they give drink to every beast of the field; the wild donkeys quench their thirst.  Beside them the birds of the heavens dwell; they sing among the branches. The trees of the Lord are watered abundantly, the cedars of Lebanon that he planted, in them the birds build their nests; the stork has her home in the fir trees. These all look to you to give them food in due season.  When you give it to them they gather it up; when you open your hand they are filled with good things.  When you send forth your Spirit they are created, and you renew the face of the ground.  May the glory of the Lord endure forever; may the Lord rejoice in his works, Psa 104:10-12, 16,17,27,28,30,31.

Dene Ward

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name…

              Most of the people I know begin their prayers addressing God as Father.  If you think about what you pray, that word “Father” should color your whole life.  To a Jew the father was the authority figure in the home.  His word was law, and the family obeyed.

            For I have chosen [Abraham], that he may command his children and his household after him…Gen 18:19.

            He said to them, “Take to heart all the words by which I am warning you today, that you may command them to your children, that they may be careful to do all the words of this law, Deut 32:46.

            Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the  discipline and instruction of the Lord, Eph 6:4.

            One who manages his own household competently, having his children under control with all dignity, 1Tim 3:4.

            Yes, a father is more than an authority figure, but these passages show us that is an important part of his role.  This is what bothers me:  our culture is doing its best to remove that part of the job from the father.  How many strong fathers do you see depicted on television?  Most of them, if any, are on the classic channels or old movies.  Today’s TV father is hardly more than an incompetent buffoon.

            Understanding authority is basic to understanding submission, a hallmark of discipleship.  Even more important, understanding authority means you will be less likely to err in your relationship with God.  God meant that the father in the family be one way the children were to learn about that Ultimate Authority.  Know then in your heart that, as a man disciplines his son, the LORD your God disciplines you, Deut 8:5.  Fathers, when you do not live up to the role God has put you in, acting as the authority figure who must be obeyed, who controls and disciplines, who raises up his children, you are responsible for any misunderstanding your child may have about what he can get away with in his relationship to God.

            When you tell him to do something and then do not punish him for disobeying you, you are telling him he can get away with disobeying God.

            When you allow her to wrap you around her finger and get whatever she wants, you are teaching her that God will let her do it her way too, even if it isn’t His way.

            When you allow them to sass you, to talk back or otherwise disrespect you, you are telling them it’s just fine to treat God that way.

            When your children get older, they will disregard plain commands in the Bible.  They will say things like, “But God wouldn’t mind if I…”  They will believe they can finagle their way out of Hell on Judgment Day because they finagled their way out of any orders you gave them, or because you were too weak to make a stand, or because you were afraid they wouldn’t love you, or any number of other excuses you might make. 

They can blame it all on you and what you taught them about a Father’s role, and they will be right, but it won’t help either of you in the end.

Maybe it even says a little bit about how YOU perceive your Father in Heaven.

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it, Heb 12:7-11.

Dene Ward

            We talked a few weeks ago about that difficult conversation you must have with your spouse—about how he wants to be cared for should he become unable to make those decisions himself, about what treatments he does and does not want, and even about the handling of his physical tabernacle after he is called home.  It is not an easy subject and the longer you wait the more difficult it will become.  But God expects this of a wife who ”does him good and not evil all the days of her life.”

            A few have asked and yes, we have had that conversation.  At this point it is still just a “someday” so it was relatively easy.  We even managed a joke or two to relieve the tension.   Another ten years and that might not have been the case.  Give yourselves the same gift.

            There is another conversation you need to have, the one with your parents.

            First we are going to presume that those who bother to read this already understand their obligation to their parents and are willing to do so.  Jesus seemed to presume that God’s people understood that responsibility himself (Mark 7:9-13).

            The difficult thing in this case is recognizing the time when the roles have made a complete reversal, when you might need to make the decisions for your parents instead of allowing them to make them.  It will not be easy.  They may even resent it.  But think about this:  at one point in your life, they made all the decisions for you and many of them were difficult.  You ought to know from your own parenting experience that children change your life and your schedule, that they become the first and last things on your mind day and night, that you sometimes cry long and hard as you decide to do things you know they need but will not like and that may even effect your relationship with them.  It comes with the job.  That’s what parental responsibility is.

            Now take every one of those things and turn it toward your care for your elderly parents.  It may change your life, your schedule and your priorities.  That’s the way it is and as it should be—you did the same thing to them the day you cried your first lusty little cry.  You may have to give up parts of your life for them—just the way they gave up things to raise you.  And you may need to go against their wishes for their own good, even if it makes them angry.  That is NOT disrespecting your parents.  That is taking on the responsibility of their care.

            A few suggestions.  If your parent is the independent sort, you may need to be the one who says, “You can’t live alone any longer.”  She may beg you not to take her into your home or put her into assisted living or whatever option you might choose, but if her balance is poor, if she can no longer see to her basic needs, if her mind is not clear enough to take her medications properly, then it may just be that difficult time.  It is not a sign of respect to allow her to live in filth because she can no longer clean up after herself—it is actually a danger to her health and the ultimate indignity.  If she falls easily, who will be there to call for help, or will she lie there for hours until you come to make your regular check on her?  If she cannot cook any longer, how will she get the proper nutrition?  Would your parents have allowed any of that to happen to you as a child?  Then why would you allow it to happen to them and call it “respecting their wishes?”

            Go to her doctor’s appointments and find out exactly what the doctor says, not what she reports that he has said.  She may forget something or simply get the information wrong due to an unclear mind.  AND TELL THE DOCTOR EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING AT HOME.  He may make a decision based on seeing her for a five or ten minute appointment that would be completely different if he talked to her for twenty or thirty minutes.  You need to tell him if she doesn’t take her medicine as he prescribes.  You need to tell him if she repeats the same thing every thirty minutes.  He needs to hear that she can no longer perform simple tasks like putting toothpaste on her toothbrush or deciding whether she needs a spoon or a fork to eat soup.  You are not tattling—that’s a playground term.  You are taking on the responsibility God expects from you to care for a parent, and you are doing it even when it might cost you that parent’s goodwill for a while.  Someone has to be the adult when she no longer can be, and that someone is you.

            Get a list of her medications.  What will happen if you make an emergency run to the hospital and you cannot tell them what she is taking?  If she is unable to do so, the proper care may be delayed or the wrong care may result in disaster because no one had that information.

            So talk about it now.  Ask her (or him) if, when the time comes, she might like to live with you or another sibling, or whether she would prefer assisted living.  And recognize that things can change.  My grandmother lived 98 years.  By the time she needed that care, my father was ill and my mother was his caregiver 24/7.  She could not take her mother in, too, so assisted living was the only way to go.  Talk about possibilities now, before the decisions are hard. The longer you wait, the more heartbreaking it will be.  And since when has God ever accepted ignorance as an excuse? 

But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God, 1Tim 5:4.

Dene Ward