Putting Down Roots

5/26/2015 1 Comments

Keith’s mother once gave him a tiny orange tree, maybe six inches tall, which she had planted from seed into a coffee can.  He brought it home, transplanted it into a black plastic nursery pot and set it next to the shed, continuing to water and feed it until he could find a permanent place for it.

    It had grown to a height of three feet when he finally decided where to put it.  Bending down, he grabbed the pot with both hands and tugged.  Nothing happened.  The tree had made its own decision, its roots bursting through the bottom of the pot and digging their way firmly into the ground.  It’s still there, now over twice as tall as the shed and bearing fruit nearly year round.

    Our children are like that little tree.  Wherever you leave them is where they will put down roots.  The atmosphere you raise them in, the people they spend the most time with, the friends they make and the activities they participate in, whether you are aware of them or not, will all have their effects on your children and will influence who they eventually become.

    Children are growing every minute of every day, not only in body, but also in mind.  You cannot set them aside until you have more time, you cannot leave them on their own without guidance, you cannot give them into the charge of another whose belief system does not match yours and still expect your children to follow in your footsteps.  You cannot tell them, not even with all the sincerity you can muster, “Just wait till I finish this degree; just wait till my career is more established; just wait till I can pay off all these bills I ran up, then I will be a good parent to you.”  If nothing else, you are teaching them exactly what is most important to you--career, status, “things.”  Meanwhile, they may put down their roots in places you wish they never knew of, with people you wish they had never met, and develop a character that may appall you.  

    “Where did they learn that?” you might wonder.  In the place where you left them while you were too busy to be a parent.  

Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.
Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate,
Psalm 127.

Dene Ward

The Age of Reason

5/18/2015 0 Comments

For various reasons I have found myself remembering my junior high years lately.  That time of life can be trying.  You are not an adult, but you are not a little child either.  In fact, you are not sure who you are.  

    Your body is behaving strangely and you have outgrown the cute stage.  You are too fat or too skinny, taller than everyone else or shorter, too loud for the adults in your life, but too quiet to suit your peers.  Your hair is too curly or too straight for the current style, and you never know what sort of face will greet you in the mirror each morning.

    You begin to feel a need to embrace ideals but you are not sure which ones or why.  The ones your peers embrace, even as they strive to rebel from the norm, seem just a little too empty and too “popular.”  Where is the individuality they say they crave?  The ones many teachers press on you seem to come with agendas attached.  Do they teach these because they believe them and think they will help you, or because they want disciples?

    But the thing we need to think about today is, what about us as parents?  Of all people, we should be teaching ideals that will make our children’s lives better and their souls secure, but sometimes the things we do make that difficult for a child to see, especially one already confused by his mind and body, and the mixed signals he receives from everyone around him.

    Help him out.  Live by the ideals you teach.  We tell him nothing is more important than his soul, but does he see that in us, or does he see far more time and money given to recreation and status-building than to the Lord, to worthy causes, to needy souls and spiritual pursuits?  We tell him his eternal destiny is more important than physical wealth and security, but does he see us sacrifice spiritual matters for those very things time and time again?  Does he ever see us engaged in personal Bible study or is the TV on 24 hours a day?  Does he hear us preach honesty then hear us brag about cheating the tax man?  Does he hear us talk about setting priorities, about being at the meetinghouse every time the door is open, while remembering that you have not spent any time with him, one on one, talking about spiritual things in the past six months or even longer?  As young as he is, he understands that there is more to Christianity than sitting on a pew.

    Adolescent rebellion is not unusual.  It is part of discovering who you are—considering ideas, then rejecting them or accepting them.  Don’t give your children an easy—and far more obvious reason than you would like to believe—to reject yours.

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have known the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise unto salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 2 Tim 3:14,15.

Dene Ward

Raise Them

4/29/2015 0 Comments

Today's post is by guest writer Keith Ward.

Our elders offer a thought and lead a prayer at the end of services.  Recently, one commended one of the young men (16?) who had led a prayer at the Lord’s Table earlier. He had not mumbled or rushed it, nor did he just repeat phrases he’d heard from others.

I was not surprised at his ability.  I had watched his mother with him during services from when he was a toddler.  He never had cars and cartoon books that I noticed.  She pulled him in her lap and ran her finger under the words of the songs from before he could read; she insisted that he treat worship as worship and not playtime and he grew up listening and singing.

Parents, fear if your child will not sing.

We had Bible story books that the boys got to look at only at services, or, they could draw, but only Bible stories and after services we would say, “Tell me about this one,” Later, they took notes.  When they got to freshman Bible at Florida College, they were amazed at the things that were being  taught “at college” as they’d known them for years. Maybe those students who were struggling to get “B’s” had Disney books and toys in church.  

Is it a wonder that they know a lot of Bible—one is a Bible professor at FC and the other is a Bible class teacher who does not have to take a backseat in discussions with his brother.

So far as I am aware, the mother above never heard us tell how to do it.  It should be obvious to anyone that God and church are special and you cannot teach that to your children with toys and comic books.  I have known some children who turned out just fine, but please think about what you do and what it is teaching them.  Don’t just try to keep them quiet.

Prov 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Keith Ward

That Difficult Conversation

3/27/2015 0 Comments

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not evil, all the days of her life, Prov 31:10-12.

    Bathsheba gets short shrift most of the time.  Due to a lot of misunderstanding of cultural practices, she is accused of things she did not do, and blamed for things that were not her fault, but that is not what we are going to talk about today.  Today we are checking in on David and Bathsheba about thirty years later.  David is near death at the age of 70, and Bathsheba is around 50, or even less.*

    David has promised Solomon that he will be king, that, in fact, God Himself has chosen him to be the next king.  Adonijah, as the oldest living son, has other plans.  He sets about having himself crowned even as David lies on his deathbed.  He isn’t being particularly secretive, but he is very careful whom he invites to the coronation.  David’s mighty men are left out, as well as Zadok, who as a result of this becomes the patriarch of the new high priest line promised in 1 Samuel 2, and Nathan the prophet also.

    Nathan comes to Bathsheba.  ‘Haven’t you heard?” he asks her.  Then he gives her careful instruction about telling David the news, and goes along with her to verify her story.  Bathsheba seems more than willing.  Perhaps it is a mother looking after the welfare of her son, but for her to have this close contact with David after all these years, when none of his other wives do, tells me their relationship became the prominent one.  She was the favorite, and as any wife would at this time, she made sure he was happy and had what he needed.

    The rest of the story doesn’t really matter to me today.  Maybe it is because I am older now, maybe it is because I have seen so many women doing it up close and personal, but the verse above from Proverbs 31 sprang to my mind when I thought of Bathsheba’s actions.  A good wife will see to her husband’s wishes, “doing him good and not evil,” even when he is no longer able to function.

    And the only way we can do that, ladies, is to ask what he wants.  If you haven’t, you need to sit down together and ask him those tough questions.  If you have a will, and you should, that will help, but perhaps he has other things, not valuable things, but things he cherishes, that he would like to go to someone in particular.  Find out and write it down.  Perhaps he wants a certain man to preach his funeral.  Find out who.  Perhaps he wants certain songs to be sung.  Find out which ones.  

    Then there are the really difficult decisions.  Does he want to be an organ donor?  Does he have a living will?  If he is very ill already, does he have a DNR?  If he were to reach the point that he no longer knows anyone, how does he want to be cared for?

    Life has a way of stealing a man’s identity and our society’s ridicule of the elderly doesn’t help a bit.  The doctor may tell him he can no longer drive.  Be careful what you say to others in his hearing.  You may not think it a big deal, but for some men driving represents more than just going somewhere.  God has programmed into our men the need to provide and protect, and in a society where we no longer face angry natives on the warpath and food is always just around the corner at Publix, he has few ways of doing that.  Driving may be one of them.  Don’t steal his manhood with your comments about this or anything else he can no longer do.  

    We could go on and on with this, but I imagine you have gotten my point.  Because of the emotions involved these things are difficult to talk about, even when we have absolute faith in the reward God promises.  Some men will refuse, but do what you can.  Listen to him when he talks to others and make a note in your mind of what he says if you can’t get him to say it to you, but do your best to know what he wants and then do those things for him when he is lying there completely unable, just as David was.

    An aside here—there are some things a man has no business telling his wife to do.  He should not tell you to never remarry.  Especially if you are young, which is a whole lot older than it used to be to me, Paul himself says you should remarry (1 Tim 5:14).  Death breaks the marriage bond (Rom 7), and he no longer has that hold on you.  And of course, anything sinful you can rightly ignore.  

    Back to our point—please do this today.  Do not use your youthful age as an excuse.  One inch either way and a bullet would have made me a widow at 42.  Then there was the stroke Keith had when I was 49.  I can tell you sad tales of people who have succumbed to disease even earlier than that.  These days women usually outlive their men, especially if they are several years younger, as I am.  It is only sensible to be ready.  How can you possibly “do him good and not evil” when you don’t know what good he wants?

    And then do this for him too.  Sometimes we women do go first.  Tell him what you want.  If you start the ball rolling, maybe it will come more easily for him.  Once you both have it down, you can rest easy, and on the day when one or the other of you finally do go to that promised rest, the one you leave behind can rest too.

The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away…So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom, Psalm 90:10,12

*To read my take on Bathsheba, go over to the right sidebar and click on Bible People.  Scroll down several articles and a couple of pages to find “A Case of Mistaken Identity.”

Dene Ward

Nursery Tales

3/17/2015 0 Comments

I was a lucky young mother.  When my babies were small, I worshipped with church families that had no nurseries.  I did not realize at the time what a blessing it was.
    When Lucas was a baby, we met with a small congregation that rented a union hall.  The union must not have been very popular.  At the end of a narrow hall was the only room big enough for meeting together, and thirty of us filled it up.  Five of us were nursing mothers, and since that was over half the families in the congregation, the men agreed that we should be able to simply step out of the room to get ourselves situated, then come back in to sit and listen to the sermons or Bible classes while we nursed our babies.  New babies have a tendency to nurse for long periods of time.  We might have missed a full hour if these men had not been so mature-minded, and we ladies gratefully learned early how to stay modest while nursing.  I doubt anyone walking in would have even known what we were doing.
    When Nathan was a toddler we had moved to a place with an actual meetinghouse.  It was an old building way out in the country with absolutely no modern conveniences except electric lights, and certainly no nursery.  You walked in the door and there you stood in the open auditorium.  That meant when you had to deal with unruly children, you dealt with them and then came right back into the assembly.  
    So why do I think I was lucky?  Because I did not have the source of temptation that so many young mothers must deal with today.  When you have no choice, there is no temptation.  Young mothers today must be much stronger than I ever had to be.
    I gleaned advice from several older women during those years.  My mother, for instance, was happy to tell me about how she foiled my attempts to ruin her worship services.  I always acted up and she would take me to the nursery—she lived in the city.  Finally, when I was 18 months old, she realized that she had not trained me, I had trained her—all I had to do was wiggle and squeal a little and I got to go play!  The next Sunday, she took me, not to the nursery, but outside, and applied her hand to my bottom in a less than comforting way.  Then she marched me right back into the auditorium.  She said I looked at her with outrage, as if to say, “This is NOT how it works!  You broke the rules!”  But I was not a stupid child; I learned the new rule quickly:  being taken out of the assembly is not a pleasant experience.
    I went to visit her once at this same meetinghouse.  Suddenly, my baby needed a diaper change and needed it then.  To have stayed sitting there any longer would have broken the commandment to “Love thy neighbor.”
    So I got up and took my twenty-month-old to the nursery.  I was stunned when I walked in.  Several young mothers, and a few who looked like grandmothers, were sitting in there chatting away.  A playpen had been placed in the middle of the room, full of toys.  The side of the playpen was lowered and each baby was sitting around it, reaching in and playing with both the toys and each other.  Could the women see the preacher?  Yes, there was a large picture window in front of them.  Could they hear the preacher?  Well, there was a speaker on the wall, but their talking and laughing drowned it out.
    After the diaper change, I got out of there as quickly as I could.  I recognized the siren call immediately.  I had dealt with two babies at once, while their father preached.  We never lived close to family so I never had a grandparent to help out either.  It was often tiring, frustrating and embarrassing to try to train my children to behave in the assembly.  To have a place to go where I would no longer have to wrestle with them, where they could play and squeal to their heart’s content, would have been wonderful.  But it would not have taught them how important the group worship of God is, how precious the rituals we follow, how much it meant to me and therefore how much it should mean to them.
    Being a parent is not for the weak of heart, mind, or body.  You are on duty 24/7 and you must do what you must do no matter what else is going on in your life.  Children will not wait.  You cannot easily “unteach” what you later wish you had not taught.  I would give anything to undo a lot of the mistakes I made, but it just won’t happen.  In the end you hope you did more right than wrong, and that those right things were more lasting and impressive.  
    Think about what you do, when you do it, and how.  Think about what those little eyes see and those little ears hear.  Think the most about what those little minds infer from what they see and hear you doing.  Your children aren’t stupid either.  Whatever it is you do, when you do it, it stays with them the longest.

And [Hannah] said, "Oh, my lord!  As you live, my lord, I am the woman who was standing here in your presence, praying to the Lord.  For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him.  Therefore I have given him to the Lord.   As long as he lives, he is given to the Lord.”  And he worshiped the Lord there, 1 Sam 1:26-28.

Dene Ward

Being Also Joint Heirs of the Grace of Life

3/3/2015 2 Comments

If husbands and wives are supposed to be partners on this journey to Heaven, we sometimes have a funny way of showing it.

    One of the most amazing examples Sarah set is not one we often talk about, and when we do, we miss what to me is the most important part.  Peter tells us in 1 Pet 3:6 that she called her husband “lord.”  Today that might translate better “sir,” but notice the only example Peter had of this:  Gen 18:12, where she is in a tent, away from the three “men” and talking “within herself.”  When she realizes these men heard her when they normally should not have been able to, she realizes who they are and becomes afraid.  Do you get it?  When she called him “lord,” she was not speaking to Abraham, but about him to herself, behind his back, so to speak, where he could not have heard her if he had wanted to.

    Now here is the point ladies, how do we speak about our husbands when they are not around?  Can my neighbors list his faults by now as well as I can?  Can my children?  Can my co-workers relate every mistake he’s ever made because I make sure I talk about them?  Does anyone who has anything to do with me wonder why I married such a jerk in the first place because that is the impression I have given them about this man I claim to love?  I have seen women, as the Proverb writer warns, tear down their houses with their own hands, or in this case, their own mouths.

    Do we even stop to consider the pictures others must have of our marriages by the things they see and hear?  No one should ever have to endure the embarrassment of standing in my kitchen while I berate my husband in front of them.  Do I ridicule and complain about his efforts to support me as well as the gifts he gives me?  Do I constantly correct every little detail—even those that do not make a whit’s worth of difference—when he tries to tell a story?  Do my friends know that I secretly do things he disapproves of?  We are not the daughters of Sarah when we act this way.

    But Peter does not let the husbands off the hook either.  In the same chapter, he tells them to dwell with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor to the woman… v 7.  There is nothing honorable about the label, “my old lady.”  And here is a clue for you:  women do not generally appreciate male humor.  It is one thing to be able to laugh at yourself, but another thing entirely to have someone constantly make a laughingstock of you.  If she asks you not to tell a certain story yet again, or call her by a certain nickname in front of people, then don’t—not if you honor her.

    I have seen too many a man use up the prime of a woman’s life, then somehow think he has “outgrown” her.  More likely, his head has outgrown him.  But one of the most common complaints I hear is, “She let herself go.”  That always translates to gaining some weight.  Do you know how she gained that weight?  Fixing you the meat and potatoes meals you insist on and carrying your children.  Excuse me if the brag that you can still wear the same size jeans as you did in high school does not impress me—the only reason you can do that is you are fastening them six inches lower!  No wonder Malachi called such treatment “treachery” Mal 2:15.

      What in the world do we think we are telling people about our marriages and about ourselves when we engage in such insults?  After all, we do not live in a culture of arranged marriages—we chose our partners.  In actuality, we are insulting ourselves.

    Peter tells husbands that their treatment of their wives will affect whether their prayers are heard.  I have no difficulty believing the same is true for a wife’s treatment of her husband.  I don’t know about you, but I need God to hear my prayers.  I ask for forgiveness regularly and it’s the only way I know I can get it.  How about you?

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.  This mystery is great…nevertheless do each one of you love his own wife even as himself, and let the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Eph 5:31-33   

Dene Ward

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Genes

12/16/2014 0 Comments

When I became a grandmother we had to jump through all the insurance hoops to make sure that Silas had not inherited more than my neonatal milk allergy.  I look into those big blue eyes that sparkle so when he smiles, trying to convince myself that they look more like his grandfather’s than mine.  Even if they looked exactly like mine, odds are he did not inherit the condition.  He may be 100 times more likely to have it than any other baby, but that still makes it a one in a million chance.  It happened that way with his uncle.  The minute they put him in my arms and I saw his eyes my heart froze, but seven months later we knew he had only inherited the look, not the problem.  Still, I would feel horrible if I passed this on to poor little Silas, or now Judah.
    There are worse things to pass on to one’s children and grandchildren.  And [Jehoram] walked in the way of the kings of Israel, as did the house of Ahab; for he had the daughter of Ahab to wife: and he did that which was evil in the sight of Jehovah... [Ahaziah] also walked in the ways of the house of Ahab; for his mother was his counselor to do wickedly… And Joram said, Make ready. And they made ready his chariot. And Joram king of Israel…went out to meet Jehu…And…he said, Is it peace, Jehu? And he answered, What peace, so long as the whoredoms of your mother Jezebel…are so many? 2 Chron 21:6; 22:3; 2 Kgs 9:21.
    Are you familiar with this narrative in the Bible?  Start in 1 Kings 16 and read through chapter 11 of 2 Kings some night when you want a really good story.  It is a little of everything:  a family saga; an action-adventure story; a political thriller.  It has a villainess of unspeakable cruelty, an underground movement, a mole in the hierarchy, and a hero who saves the day.  All of this was brought about by the evil influence Ahab and Jezebel had on their children and grandchildren.  
    Perhaps the worst of the bunch was Athaliah, their daughter, who reached the point that she could order the murder of “all the seed royal,” among them her own grandchildren.  I have always thought this woman’s crimes especially heinous but now, having held a grandchild in my arms, I know she must have reached a level of moral depravity nearly unheard of, at least among God’s people.  That is what her parents passed on to her, for the next generation always sees our inconsistencies, the line we will not cross because of the inhibiting baggage we have brought to the table.  They see that inconsistency and erase the line, taking what we have taught them to its logical end.
    I cannot control whether Silas and Judah will inherit my physical condition; but I can control my influence on their spiritual conditions.  I can set an example of faith that will reinforce theirs in moments of trial.  I can set an example of endurance to bolster their ability to overcome.  I can show them how a mature Christian behaves, even when people are less than accommodating.  Those things I can do, if I will.
    Having children is great motivation to be and do better.  Because the end may be in sight and priorities have become clearer, having grandchildren should be the best motivation yet.

I thank God, whom I serve from my forefathers in a pure conscience, how unceasing is my remembrance of you in my supplications, night and day longing to see you, remembering your tears, that I may be filled with joy; having been reminded of the unfeigned faith that is in you; which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois, and your mother Eunice; and, I am persuaded, in you also, 2 Tim 1:3-5.

Dene Ward

The Naomi Project 5--Grandchildren

11/24/2014 0 Comments

If you really want to hurt a woman, hurt her children.  If you think no one would do such a thing, you haven’t been to as many places as I have nor lived as long. 
    I have seen grandmothers pass their favoritism on to the next generation.  If one child is not particularly liked, then his children won’t be either.
    I have seen grandmothers show that favoritism in gifts, in words, and most shameful of all, in hugs.  I have seen grandchildren pitted against one another, one side always believed over the other, regardless of evidence.  I have seen grandchildren used to create tension between their parents, either siblings of one another, or spouses.
    Children should be sacred ground when it comes to family squabbles.  You never hurt a child, regardless whose he is.  If there is something unnatural about a mother hurting her own child, there is something just plain loathsome about a grandmother doing it.  Isn’t that why the story of Athaliah, the wicked queen who had all her grandchildren killed to secure her own reign, horrifies us?  Women like that deserve the worst of punishments, and God made sure Athaliah got hers.
    Then there is the matter of “blood.”  I have seen blood grandchildren obviously favored over adopted.  I have seen step-grandchildren totally ignored.  A child cannot help where he came from.  If he has been specially chosen to be in the family, he should be treated as family as much as any other child—he IS family.
    Naomi is the perfect example.  Ruth was her daughter-in-law, not her daughter.  Boaz may have been a distant relative, but he was not her son.  Yet how did she accept their child?  So Boaz took Ruth, and she became his wife. And he went in to her, and the LORD gave her conception, and she bore a son…Then Naomi took the child and laid him on her lap and became his nurse, Ruth 4:13,16.  According to Keil, “became his nurse” is tantamount to adopting him as her own son, not just her grandson.  Could she have made her love and acceptance of this child any clearer?
    Surely a grandmother should not need to be told to love her grandchildren.  Even if there is some legitimate reason for an estrangement with their parents, do not take it out on the children.  It is not their fault how their parents act.  The list of pagan sins in Romans 1:28-32 includes “without natural affection” in the KJV and ASV.  That is translated “heartless” in the ESV.  Only a heartless grandmother refuses her grandchildren.  Only a heartless mother-in-law does it to retaliate against a daughter- or son-in-law. 
    Naomi’s love and acceptance of Ruth in all the ways we have discussed made for a relationship that has transcended the ages.  Ruth returned that love with her own genuine affection, with acceptance, and with the physical care every older parent has a right to expect.  Naomi and Ruth were not physically related in any way at all, but they treated one another as if they were, in fact, better than some blood relatives treat one another.  This is the way it is supposed to work.  May we all work harder to make it happen in our own homes.

So Boaz took Ruth, and she became his wife; and he went in unto her, and Jehovah gave her conception, and she bare a son. And the women said unto Naomi, Blessed be Jehovah, who has not left you this day without a near kinsman; and let his name be famous in Israel. And he shall be unto you a restorer of life, and a nourisher of your old age, for your daughter-in-law, who loves you, who is better to you than seven sons, has borne him, Ruth 4:13-15

Dene Ward

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The Naomi Project 4--Advisor

11/17/2014 2 Comments

Is there anything more ticklish than the subject of advice between the older and younger generations?  Yet the Bible clearly teaches that older women are “to train the young women,” Titus 2:4, among many other passages.  So why is giving advice such a source of friction?  Naomi gave an awful lot of advice that was well-accepted.  Maybe we can learn a thing or two from her.
    In the first place, we don’t see much advice given in the book of Ruth until the two women return to Israel.  This was a brand new experience, a brand new culture with a new set of traditions for Ruth, and Naomi knew it.  So did Ruth.  She had no familiarity with the gleaning system of “welfare” practiced by the Hebrews.  Even though it reads as if she were the one to suggest her gleaning, she would not have known the laws unless Naomi had previously taught her.  And so Naomi likely told her, “This is how it’s done,” and she listened because she knew she needed it to get along in her new environment.
    Do you give advice when you have a different way of doing ordinary things, or when you know your daughter-in-law is in a completely new situation?  Young people nowadays are very well educated, so I have tried to keep quiet unless asked, but once in awhile the asking can be done with a sigh of frustration.  If you aren’t sitting there trying to change all of her methods simply because they don’t match yours, and if there has been some indication that it is wanted, your advice will probably be graciously accepted.  And if, after trying it out, she decides not to follow it, that’s fine.  Don’t mention it again.  We all have our own comfortable ways of doing things. 
    Don’t be judgmental about your advice.  Just because she uses more convenience food than you did, doesn’t mean she is a bad wife and mother.  Probably the time saved she uses on something that was not your talent and that you did not have time for because you cooked from scratch.  Despite modern catch phrases, you can’t do it all, and different doesn’t always mean worse.
    Remember, as we have seen previously, Naomi had carefully nurtured this relationship with acceptance, love, and friendship.  If you haven’t done that, don’t even try to give advice. Pay close attention to Naomi’s motivation.  Some of her advice came with the name of God attached (2:20).  Other times it was for the sake of Ruth’s safety (2:22), or for her future welfare and reputation (3:1ff).  Why, exactly, are you giving advice?  Is it to impart the will of the Lord?  Is it a matter of health and safety?  Or do you simply think she should fold the towels the same way you do?  If you are giving advice for every little petty thing that comes along, especially if it comes with that disapproving nasal whine we all recognize, it’s time to stop.  If it comes with a tone of superiority, don’t bother.  You might as well be holding up a sign saying, “Don’t pay any attention to me,” because she won’t.  You wouldn’t either if it were your mother-in-law.
    Listen to the way young women give each other advice.  Never a hint of superiority or criticism, just simple sharing—“This worked for me…I read this once…I never tried it myself, but my neighbor said…”  Their advice never comes with the unspoken but clearly heard, “And if you don’t do it my way, I’m going to take it as a personal affront.”  No wonder they go to their peers for advice instead of us older women.  But no wonder Ruth listened to Naomi.  Ruth’s attitude toward advice in chapters 2-4 testifies to the manner in which Naomi must have advised and taught in those early years of chapter 1. 
    So, all mothers-in-law out there listen to Naomi!  Giving advice is about content, manner, and motive.  It should be given seldom, carefully, and for all the right reasons.  I hope I’m getting better at it.

Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his [or her!] earnest counsel, Prov 27:9.

Dene Ward

The Naomi Project 3--Love and Friendship

11/10/2014 0 Comments

Think not that I came to send peace on the earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law: and a man's foes [shall be] they of his own household, Matt 10:34-36.

    What Jesus says in the above passage clearly shows the expected atmosphere of the home.  It was not considered normal for a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law to have strife between themselves.  Even in a day of extended family in one compound, and often one house, the relationships were expected to be good ones.  For that to happen in such close quarters, beyond the mere acceptance we discussed last week, there had to be love.
    And such it was with Naomi and her daughters-in-law.  Notice in Ruth 1:4-6, even after their husbands died, these young women stayed with Naomi.  This was now a house of mourning and a house of poverty as well.  We do not understand the plight of the widow in that culture and time.  They had no widows’ pensions, no life insurance policies, no food stamps, and getting a job was pretty well limited to selling oneself as a bondservant.  Yet Naomi had cultivated such a wonderful relationship with these girls that they didn’t leave her, even though they both had families they could have gone home to (1:8).  These girls knew they were loved and that counted far more than food on the table.  Can you imagine what such a relationship must have been like?  
    When Naomi heard the famine had left Israel and she decided to go back home, even then both of them were determined to go back with her.  Not just to go on a trip, but to leave the culture they grew up in, to go where strangers were not particularly appreciated, where they would depend upon those very people to leave enough in the fields for them to survive on.
    And because of her genuine concern for them, Naomi did her best to send them back to their families.  I have heard people criticize her for this, as if she were sending them to Hell herself.  Once again our misunderstanding of culture has made us harsh and judgmental.  Their very survival could depend upon where they settled.  At home they would once again be under their father’s care and he would probably waste little time making a marriage transaction.  Marriage was more about survival than love in those days.  The love usually followed after years of handling the trials of life together.
    And why couldn’t they have continued to worship God, even in Moab?  Pockets of believers still dotted the landscape that far back.  Job for one.  I have heard a pretty good case made for him being an Edomite.  Then there was Jethro, a priest of God who was a Midianite.  And how about Naaman, who when he went back home prayed to God, In this thing Jehovah pardon your servant: when my master goes into the house of Rimmon to worship there, and he leans on my hand, and I bow myself in the house of Rimmon, when I bow myself in the house of Rimmon, Jehovah pardon your servant in this thing, 2 Kings 5:18.  Naaman fully intended to continue serving Jehovah, even though his occupation sometimes had him enter an idol’s temple.  Elisha’s answer was, “Go in peace.”  So why in the world couldn’t these girls serve Jehovah in Moab?  Naomi wanted what was best for them in their lives and evidently she had enough faith in them to know they could stay faithful to God even without her standing over them.
    And so Orpah did go back, crying all the way, (1:14).  But Ruth would not.  I am not sure her level of faith was any higher than Orpah’s, but I am sure her level of love for her mother-in-law was as high as it gets.  You don’t inspire that level of love and devotion without consistency and a large amount of time.  Especially in that culture, I have no doubt they worked together, laughed together, maybe even shared a few secrets as women are prone to do—sisterhood we call it nowadays, but one that also came with respect for an older woman who proved her love was genuine over and over and over.
    What are you inspiring in your daughter-in-law?  You can’t build a good relationship if she thinks you look down on her, if she thinks you resent her, if she thinks nothing she does is good enough.  She will never learn to trust that you have her best interests at heart if you are constantly criticizing, taking offense at her words, finding hidden meanings where there are none.  When you say to her, “I decided I would accept whoever my son brought home as his wife no matter what!” you are being far more transparent than you realize.  There would have probably been a “no matter what” no matter who he brought home.
    Genuine love and friendship, not something forced or pretended, that’s what every daughter-in-law needs from her mother-in-law.  And it will show in everything you do and say.

But Ruth said, "Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you." And when Naomi saw that she was determined to go with her, she said no more. Ruth 1:16-18.

Dene Ward