A Father's Role

7/27/2015 0 Comments

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name…

              Most of the people I know begin their prayers addressing God as Father.  If you think about what you pray, that word “Father” should color your whole life.  To a Jew the father was the authority figure in the home.  His word was law, and the family obeyed.

            For I have chosen [Abraham], that he may command his children and his household after him…Gen 18:19.

            He said to them, “Take to heart all the words by which I am warning you today, that you may command them to your children, that they may be careful to do all the words of this law, Deut 32:46.

            Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the  discipline and instruction of the Lord, Eph 6:4.

            One who manages his own household competently, having his children under control with all dignity, 1Tim 3:4.

            Yes, a father is more than an authority figure, but these passages show us that is an important part of his role.  This is what bothers me:  our culture is doing its best to remove that part of the job from the father.  How many strong fathers do you see depicted on television?  Most of them, if any, are on the classic channels or old movies.  Today’s TV father is hardly more than an incompetent buffoon.

            Understanding authority is basic to understanding submission, a hallmark of discipleship.  Even more important, understanding authority means you will be less likely to err in your relationship with God.  God meant that the father in the family be one way the children were to learn about that Ultimate Authority.  Know then in your heart that, as a man disciplines his son, the LORD your God disciplines you, Deut 8:5.  Fathers, when you do not live up to the role God has put you in, acting as the authority figure who must be obeyed, who controls and disciplines, who raises up his children, you are responsible for any misunderstanding your child may have about what he can get away with in his relationship to God.

            When you tell him to do something and then do not punish him for disobeying you, you are telling him he can get away with disobeying God.

            When you allow her to wrap you around her finger and get whatever she wants, you are teaching her that God will let her do it her way too, even if it isn’t His way.

            When you allow them to sass you, to talk back or otherwise disrespect you, you are telling them it’s just fine to treat God that way.

            When your children get older, they will disregard plain commands in the Bible.  They will say things like, “But God wouldn’t mind if I…”  They will believe they can finagle their way out of Hell on Judgment Day because they finagled their way out of any orders you gave them, or because you were too weak to make a stand, or because you were afraid they wouldn’t love you, or any number of other excuses you might make. 

They can blame it all on you and what you taught them about a Father’s role, and they will be right, but it won’t help either of you in the end.

Maybe it even says a little bit about how YOU perceive your Father in Heaven.

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it, Heb 12:7-11.

Dene Ward

That Other Difficult Conversation

7/24/2015 1 Comments

            We talked a few weeks ago about that difficult conversation you must have with your spouse—about how he wants to be cared for should he become unable to make those decisions himself, about what treatments he does and does not want, and even about the handling of his physical tabernacle after he is called home.  It is not an easy subject and the longer you wait the more difficult it will become.  But God expects this of a wife who ”does him good and not evil all the days of her life.”

            A few have asked and yes, we have had that conversation.  At this point it is still just a “someday” so it was relatively easy.  We even managed a joke or two to relieve the tension.   Another ten years and that might not have been the case.  Give yourselves the same gift.

            There is another conversation you need to have, the one with your parents.

            First we are going to presume that those who bother to read this already understand their obligation to their parents and are willing to do so.  Jesus seemed to presume that God’s people understood that responsibility himself (Mark 7:9-13).

            The difficult thing in this case is recognizing the time when the roles have made a complete reversal, when you might need to make the decisions for your parents instead of allowing them to make them.  It will not be easy.  They may even resent it.  But think about this:  at one point in your life, they made all the decisions for you and many of them were difficult.  You ought to know from your own parenting experience that children change your life and your schedule, that they become the first and last things on your mind day and night, that you sometimes cry long and hard as you decide to do things you know they need but will not like and that may even effect your relationship with them.  It comes with the job.  That’s what parental responsibility is.

            Now take every one of those things and turn it toward your care for your elderly parents.  It may change your life, your schedule and your priorities.  That’s the way it is and as it should be—you did the same thing to them the day you cried your first lusty little cry.  You may have to give up parts of your life for them—just the way they gave up things to raise you.  And you may need to go against their wishes for their own good, even if it makes them angry.  That is NOT disrespecting your parents.  That is taking on the responsibility of their care.

            A few suggestions.  If your parent is the independent sort, you may need to be the one who says, “You can’t live alone any longer.”  She may beg you not to take her into your home or put her into assisted living or whatever option you might choose, but if her balance is poor, if she can no longer see to her basic needs, if her mind is not clear enough to take her medications properly, then it may just be that difficult time.  It is not a sign of respect to allow her to live in filth because she can no longer clean up after herself—it is actually a danger to her health and the ultimate indignity.  If she falls easily, who will be there to call for help, or will she lie there for hours until you come to make your regular check on her?  If she cannot cook any longer, how will she get the proper nutrition?  Would your parents have allowed any of that to happen to you as a child?  Then why would you allow it to happen to them and call it “respecting their wishes?”

            Go to her doctor’s appointments and find out exactly what the doctor says, not what she reports that he has said.  She may forget something or simply get the information wrong due to an unclear mind.  AND TELL THE DOCTOR EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING AT HOME.  He may make a decision based on seeing her for a five or ten minute appointment that would be completely different if he talked to her for twenty or thirty minutes.  You need to tell him if she doesn’t take her medicine as he prescribes.  You need to tell him if she repeats the same thing every thirty minutes.  He needs to hear that she can no longer perform simple tasks like putting toothpaste on her toothbrush or deciding whether she needs a spoon or a fork to eat soup.  You are not tattling—that’s a playground term.  You are taking on the responsibility God expects from you to care for a parent, and you are doing it even when it might cost you that parent’s goodwill for a while.  Someone has to be the adult when she no longer can be, and that someone is you.

            Get a list of her medications.  What will happen if you make an emergency run to the hospital and you cannot tell them what she is taking?  If she is unable to do so, the proper care may be delayed or the wrong care may result in disaster because no one had that information.

            So talk about it now.  Ask her (or him) if, when the time comes, she might like to live with you or another sibling, or whether she would prefer assisted living.  And recognize that things can change.  My grandmother lived 98 years.  By the time she needed that care, my father was ill and my mother was his caregiver 24/7.  She could not take her mother in, too, so assisted living was the only way to go.  Talk about possibilities now, before the decisions are hard. The longer you wait, the more heartbreaking it will be.  And since when has God ever accepted ignorance as an excuse? 

But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God, 1Tim 5:4.

Dene Ward

Pot-bound

5/28/2015 1 Comments

In our quest to diligently teach our children, I think we often overlook something.  We care for our children, nurturing both body and soul.  Our task, though, is to work our way out of the job.  If my thirty year old child still cannot dress himself, or needs to be reminded to brush his teeth, I have failed miserably.  In the same way, our children cannot make it to Heaven on our spiritual coattails.

            It is often difficult for a parent to realize that his child’s faith should be his own, not an exact replica of his.  A child who does nothing but ape his father’s opinions has, like the Jews of Isaiah’s day, a faith which is a commandment of men learned by rote, Isa 29:13,  rather than learned by personal study, meditation, and conviction. 

            Both of my sons have slightly differing views from mine about some passages of scripture.  I’m glad.  It means they have taken root on their own and, though there is never any guarantee, I feel much more optimistic about their remaining faithful when I am gone.  If you remember the story of the orange tree my mother-in-law gave us, which rooted itself while we were trying to find a place to put it, here is yet another application:  children need to have a little freedom in their quest for spirituality, freedom to spread their own roots.  Parents who demand exact conformity, treating any difference as a sign of disrespect, are spoon-feeding their children’s spirituality while at the same time stunting their growth.  They might as well be carrying them off the ground in a black plastic nursery pot so their roots won’t branch out.  Sooner or later they will become pot-bound and die.

            While you expect to shape their values and instill basic concepts of spirituality and faith, God expected that they would ask, “Why?” and that you would give them real and sensible answers.  “Because I said so,” does have an appropriate time and place in teaching them authority, but not in teaching the word of God.  If you cannot tell them why, then when you are gone why should they continue?

            Encourage them to study and develop on their own.  Treat their discoveries as equally interesting as yours. You may think Paul wrote Hebrews and they may not.  You may believe the three-person interpretation of the Song of Solomon and they may prefer the two-person.  You may look at Romans 7 as any man without Christ, while they believe Paul is talking about himself before his conversion.  Isn’t it great?  You will most likely have an eternity to discuss these things together and with the authors themselves, while the parents who demanded absolute conformity and automaton feedback, may find themselves looking around, wondering where their children are.

           

And the people came up out of the Jordan on the tenth day of the first month, and encamped in Gilgal, on the east border of Jericho.  And those twelve stones, which they took out of the Jordan, did Joshua set up in Gilgal. And he spoke unto the children of Israel, saying, When your children shall ask their fathers in time to come, saying, What mean these stones?  Then you shall let your children know, saying, Israel came over this Jordan on dry land.  For Jehovah your God dried up the waters of the Jordan from before you, until you were passed over, as Jehovah your God did to the Red Sea, which he dried up from before us, until we were passed over;  that all the peoples of the earth may know the hand of Jehovah, that it is mighty; that you may fear Jehovah your God for ever. Josh 4:19-24.

 

 Dene Ward

Putting Down Roots

5/26/2015 1 Comments

Keith’s mother once gave him a tiny orange tree, maybe six inches tall, which she had planted from seed into a coffee can.  He brought it home, transplanted it into a black plastic nursery pot and set it next to the shed, continuing to water and feed it until he could find a permanent place for it.

    It had grown to a height of three feet when he finally decided where to put it.  Bending down, he grabbed the pot with both hands and tugged.  Nothing happened.  The tree had made its own decision, its roots bursting through the bottom of the pot and digging their way firmly into the ground.  It’s still there, now over twice as tall as the shed and bearing fruit nearly year round.

    Our children are like that little tree.  Wherever you leave them is where they will put down roots.  The atmosphere you raise them in, the people they spend the most time with, the friends they make and the activities they participate in, whether you are aware of them or not, will all have their effects on your children and will influence who they eventually become.

    Children are growing every minute of every day, not only in body, but also in mind.  You cannot set them aside until you have more time, you cannot leave them on their own without guidance, you cannot give them into the charge of another whose belief system does not match yours and still expect your children to follow in your footsteps.  You cannot tell them, not even with all the sincerity you can muster, “Just wait till I finish this degree; just wait till my career is more established; just wait till I can pay off all these bills I ran up, then I will be a good parent to you.”  If nothing else, you are teaching them exactly what is most important to you--career, status, “things.”  Meanwhile, they may put down their roots in places you wish they never knew of, with people you wish they had never met, and develop a character that may appall you.  

    “Where did they learn that?” you might wonder.  In the place where you left them while you were too busy to be a parent.  

Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.
Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.
Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate,
Psalm 127.

Dene Ward

The Age of Reason

5/18/2015 0 Comments

For various reasons I have found myself remembering my junior high years lately.  That time of life can be trying.  You are not an adult, but you are not a little child either.  In fact, you are not sure who you are.  

    Your body is behaving strangely and you have outgrown the cute stage.  You are too fat or too skinny, taller than everyone else or shorter, too loud for the adults in your life, but too quiet to suit your peers.  Your hair is too curly or too straight for the current style, and you never know what sort of face will greet you in the mirror each morning.

    You begin to feel a need to embrace ideals but you are not sure which ones or why.  The ones your peers embrace, even as they strive to rebel from the norm, seem just a little too empty and too “popular.”  Where is the individuality they say they crave?  The ones many teachers press on you seem to come with agendas attached.  Do they teach these because they believe them and think they will help you, or because they want disciples?

    But the thing we need to think about today is, what about us as parents?  Of all people, we should be teaching ideals that will make our children’s lives better and their souls secure, but sometimes the things we do make that difficult for a child to see, especially one already confused by his mind and body, and the mixed signals he receives from everyone around him.

    Help him out.  Live by the ideals you teach.  We tell him nothing is more important than his soul, but does he see that in us, or does he see far more time and money given to recreation and status-building than to the Lord, to worthy causes, to needy souls and spiritual pursuits?  We tell him his eternal destiny is more important than physical wealth and security, but does he see us sacrifice spiritual matters for those very things time and time again?  Does he ever see us engaged in personal Bible study or is the TV on 24 hours a day?  Does he hear us preach honesty then hear us brag about cheating the tax man?  Does he hear us talk about setting priorities, about being at the meetinghouse every time the door is open, while remembering that you have not spent any time with him, one on one, talking about spiritual things in the past six months or even longer?  As young as he is, he understands that there is more to Christianity than sitting on a pew.

    Adolescent rebellion is not unusual.  It is part of discovering who you are—considering ideas, then rejecting them or accepting them.  Don’t give your children an easy—and far more obvious reason than you would like to believe—to reject yours.

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have known the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise unto salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 2 Tim 3:14,15.

Dene Ward

Raise Them

4/29/2015 0 Comments

Today's post is by guest writer Keith Ward.

Our elders offer a thought and lead a prayer at the end of services.  Recently, one commended one of the young men (16?) who had led a prayer at the Lord’s Table earlier. He had not mumbled or rushed it, nor did he just repeat phrases he’d heard from others.

I was not surprised at his ability.  I had watched his mother with him during services from when he was a toddler.  He never had cars and cartoon books that I noticed.  She pulled him in her lap and ran her finger under the words of the songs from before he could read; she insisted that he treat worship as worship and not playtime and he grew up listening and singing.

Parents, fear if your child will not sing.

We had Bible story books that the boys got to look at only at services, or, they could draw, but only Bible stories and after services we would say, “Tell me about this one,” Later, they took notes.  When they got to freshman Bible at Florida College, they were amazed at the things that were being  taught “at college” as they’d known them for years. Maybe those students who were struggling to get “B’s” had Disney books and toys in church.  

Is it a wonder that they know a lot of Bible—one is a Bible professor at FC and the other is a Bible class teacher who does not have to take a backseat in discussions with his brother.

So far as I am aware, the mother above never heard us tell how to do it.  It should be obvious to anyone that God and church are special and you cannot teach that to your children with toys and comic books.  I have known some children who turned out just fine, but please think about what you do and what it is teaching them.  Don’t just try to keep them quiet.

Prov 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Keith Ward

That Difficult Conversation

3/27/2015 0 Comments

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not evil, all the days of her life, Prov 31:10-12.

    Bathsheba gets short shrift most of the time.  Due to a lot of misunderstanding of cultural practices, she is accused of things she did not do, and blamed for things that were not her fault, but that is not what we are going to talk about today.  Today we are checking in on David and Bathsheba about thirty years later.  David is near death at the age of 70, and Bathsheba is around 50, or even less.*

    David has promised Solomon that he will be king, that, in fact, God Himself has chosen him to be the next king.  Adonijah, as the oldest living son, has other plans.  He sets about having himself crowned even as David lies on his deathbed.  He isn’t being particularly secretive, but he is very careful whom he invites to the coronation.  David’s mighty men are left out, as well as Zadok, who as a result of this becomes the patriarch of the new high priest line promised in 1 Samuel 2, and Nathan the prophet also.

    Nathan comes to Bathsheba.  ‘Haven’t you heard?” he asks her.  Then he gives her careful instruction about telling David the news, and goes along with her to verify her story.  Bathsheba seems more than willing.  Perhaps it is a mother looking after the welfare of her son, but for her to have this close contact with David after all these years, when none of his other wives do, tells me their relationship became the prominent one.  She was the favorite, and as any wife would at this time, she made sure he was happy and had what he needed.

    The rest of the story doesn’t really matter to me today.  Maybe it is because I am older now, maybe it is because I have seen so many women doing it up close and personal, but the verse above from Proverbs 31 sprang to my mind when I thought of Bathsheba’s actions.  A good wife will see to her husband’s wishes, “doing him good and not evil,” even when he is no longer able to function.

    And the only way we can do that, ladies, is to ask what he wants.  If you haven’t, you need to sit down together and ask him those tough questions.  If you have a will, and you should, that will help, but perhaps he has other things, not valuable things, but things he cherishes, that he would like to go to someone in particular.  Find out and write it down.  Perhaps he wants a certain man to preach his funeral.  Find out who.  Perhaps he wants certain songs to be sung.  Find out which ones.  

    Then there are the really difficult decisions.  Does he want to be an organ donor?  Does he have a living will?  If he is very ill already, does he have a DNR?  If he were to reach the point that he no longer knows anyone, how does he want to be cared for?

    Life has a way of stealing a man’s identity and our society’s ridicule of the elderly doesn’t help a bit.  The doctor may tell him he can no longer drive.  Be careful what you say to others in his hearing.  You may not think it a big deal, but for some men driving represents more than just going somewhere.  God has programmed into our men the need to provide and protect, and in a society where we no longer face angry natives on the warpath and food is always just around the corner at Publix, he has few ways of doing that.  Driving may be one of them.  Don’t steal his manhood with your comments about this or anything else he can no longer do.  

    We could go on and on with this, but I imagine you have gotten my point.  Because of the emotions involved these things are difficult to talk about, even when we have absolute faith in the reward God promises.  Some men will refuse, but do what you can.  Listen to him when he talks to others and make a note in your mind of what he says if you can’t get him to say it to you, but do your best to know what he wants and then do those things for him when he is lying there completely unable, just as David was.

    An aside here—there are some things a man has no business telling his wife to do.  He should not tell you to never remarry.  Especially if you are young, which is a whole lot older than it used to be to me, Paul himself says you should remarry (1 Tim 5:14).  Death breaks the marriage bond (Rom 7), and he no longer has that hold on you.  And of course, anything sinful you can rightly ignore.  

    Back to our point—please do this today.  Do not use your youthful age as an excuse.  One inch either way and a bullet would have made me a widow at 42.  Then there was the stroke Keith had when I was 49.  I can tell you sad tales of people who have succumbed to disease even earlier than that.  These days women usually outlive their men, especially if they are several years younger, as I am.  It is only sensible to be ready.  How can you possibly “do him good and not evil” when you don’t know what good he wants?

    And then do this for him too.  Sometimes we women do go first.  Tell him what you want.  If you start the ball rolling, maybe it will come more easily for him.  Once you both have it down, you can rest easy, and on the day when one or the other of you finally do go to that promised rest, the one you leave behind can rest too.

The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away…So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom, Psalm 90:10,12

*To read my take on Bathsheba, go over to the right sidebar and click on Bible People.  Scroll down several articles and a couple of pages to find “A Case of Mistaken Identity.”

Dene Ward

Nursery Tales

3/17/2015 0 Comments

I was a lucky young mother.  When my babies were small, I worshipped with church families that had no nurseries.  I did not realize at the time what a blessing it was.
    When Lucas was a baby, we met with a small congregation that rented a union hall.  The union must not have been very popular.  At the end of a narrow hall was the only room big enough for meeting together, and thirty of us filled it up.  Five of us were nursing mothers, and since that was over half the families in the congregation, the men agreed that we should be able to simply step out of the room to get ourselves situated, then come back in to sit and listen to the sermons or Bible classes while we nursed our babies.  New babies have a tendency to nurse for long periods of time.  We might have missed a full hour if these men had not been so mature-minded, and we ladies gratefully learned early how to stay modest while nursing.  I doubt anyone walking in would have even known what we were doing.
    When Nathan was a toddler we had moved to a place with an actual meetinghouse.  It was an old building way out in the country with absolutely no modern conveniences except electric lights, and certainly no nursery.  You walked in the door and there you stood in the open auditorium.  That meant when you had to deal with unruly children, you dealt with them and then came right back into the assembly.  
    So why do I think I was lucky?  Because I did not have the source of temptation that so many young mothers must deal with today.  When you have no choice, there is no temptation.  Young mothers today must be much stronger than I ever had to be.
    I gleaned advice from several older women during those years.  My mother, for instance, was happy to tell me about how she foiled my attempts to ruin her worship services.  I always acted up and she would take me to the nursery—she lived in the city.  Finally, when I was 18 months old, she realized that she had not trained me, I had trained her—all I had to do was wiggle and squeal a little and I got to go play!  The next Sunday, she took me, not to the nursery, but outside, and applied her hand to my bottom in a less than comforting way.  Then she marched me right back into the auditorium.  She said I looked at her with outrage, as if to say, “This is NOT how it works!  You broke the rules!”  But I was not a stupid child; I learned the new rule quickly:  being taken out of the assembly is not a pleasant experience.
    I went to visit her once at this same meetinghouse.  Suddenly, my baby needed a diaper change and needed it then.  To have stayed sitting there any longer would have broken the commandment to “Love thy neighbor.”
    So I got up and took my twenty-month-old to the nursery.  I was stunned when I walked in.  Several young mothers, and a few who looked like grandmothers, were sitting in there chatting away.  A playpen had been placed in the middle of the room, full of toys.  The side of the playpen was lowered and each baby was sitting around it, reaching in and playing with both the toys and each other.  Could the women see the preacher?  Yes, there was a large picture window in front of them.  Could they hear the preacher?  Well, there was a speaker on the wall, but their talking and laughing drowned it out.
    After the diaper change, I got out of there as quickly as I could.  I recognized the siren call immediately.  I had dealt with two babies at once, while their father preached.  We never lived close to family so I never had a grandparent to help out either.  It was often tiring, frustrating and embarrassing to try to train my children to behave in the assembly.  To have a place to go where I would no longer have to wrestle with them, where they could play and squeal to their heart’s content, would have been wonderful.  But it would not have taught them how important the group worship of God is, how precious the rituals we follow, how much it meant to me and therefore how much it should mean to them.
    Being a parent is not for the weak of heart, mind, or body.  You are on duty 24/7 and you must do what you must do no matter what else is going on in your life.  Children will not wait.  You cannot easily “unteach” what you later wish you had not taught.  I would give anything to undo a lot of the mistakes I made, but it just won’t happen.  In the end you hope you did more right than wrong, and that those right things were more lasting and impressive.  
    Think about what you do, when you do it, and how.  Think about what those little eyes see and those little ears hear.  Think the most about what those little minds infer from what they see and hear you doing.  Your children aren’t stupid either.  Whatever it is you do, when you do it, it stays with them the longest.

And [Hannah] said, "Oh, my lord!  As you live, my lord, I am the woman who was standing here in your presence, praying to the Lord.  For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him.  Therefore I have given him to the Lord.   As long as he lives, he is given to the Lord.”  And he worshiped the Lord there, 1 Sam 1:26-28.

Dene Ward

Being Also Joint Heirs of the Grace of Life

3/3/2015 2 Comments

If husbands and wives are supposed to be partners on this journey to Heaven, we sometimes have a funny way of showing it.

    One of the most amazing examples Sarah set is not one we often talk about, and when we do, we miss what to me is the most important part.  Peter tells us in 1 Pet 3:6 that she called her husband “lord.”  Today that might translate better “sir,” but notice the only example Peter had of this:  Gen 18:12, where she is in a tent, away from the three “men” and talking “within herself.”  When she realizes these men heard her when they normally should not have been able to, she realizes who they are and becomes afraid.  Do you get it?  When she called him “lord,” she was not speaking to Abraham, but about him to herself, behind his back, so to speak, where he could not have heard her if he had wanted to.

    Now here is the point ladies, how do we speak about our husbands when they are not around?  Can my neighbors list his faults by now as well as I can?  Can my children?  Can my co-workers relate every mistake he’s ever made because I make sure I talk about them?  Does anyone who has anything to do with me wonder why I married such a jerk in the first place because that is the impression I have given them about this man I claim to love?  I have seen women, as the Proverb writer warns, tear down their houses with their own hands, or in this case, their own mouths.

    Do we even stop to consider the pictures others must have of our marriages by the things they see and hear?  No one should ever have to endure the embarrassment of standing in my kitchen while I berate my husband in front of them.  Do I ridicule and complain about his efforts to support me as well as the gifts he gives me?  Do I constantly correct every little detail—even those that do not make a whit’s worth of difference—when he tries to tell a story?  Do my friends know that I secretly do things he disapproves of?  We are not the daughters of Sarah when we act this way.

    But Peter does not let the husbands off the hook either.  In the same chapter, he tells them to dwell with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor to the woman… v 7.  There is nothing honorable about the label, “my old lady.”  And here is a clue for you:  women do not generally appreciate male humor.  It is one thing to be able to laugh at yourself, but another thing entirely to have someone constantly make a laughingstock of you.  If she asks you not to tell a certain story yet again, or call her by a certain nickname in front of people, then don’t—not if you honor her.

    I have seen too many a man use up the prime of a woman’s life, then somehow think he has “outgrown” her.  More likely, his head has outgrown him.  But one of the most common complaints I hear is, “She let herself go.”  That always translates to gaining some weight.  Do you know how she gained that weight?  Fixing you the meat and potatoes meals you insist on and carrying your children.  Excuse me if the brag that you can still wear the same size jeans as you did in high school does not impress me—the only reason you can do that is you are fastening them six inches lower!  No wonder Malachi called such treatment “treachery” Mal 2:15.

      What in the world do we think we are telling people about our marriages and about ourselves when we engage in such insults?  After all, we do not live in a culture of arranged marriages—we chose our partners.  In actuality, we are insulting ourselves.

    Peter tells husbands that their treatment of their wives will affect whether their prayers are heard.  I have no difficulty believing the same is true for a wife’s treatment of her husband.  I don’t know about you, but I need God to hear my prayers.  I ask for forgiveness regularly and it’s the only way I know I can get it.  How about you?

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.  This mystery is great…nevertheless do each one of you love his own wife even as himself, and let the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Eph 5:31-33   

Dene Ward

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Genes

12/16/2014 0 Comments

When I became a grandmother we had to jump through all the insurance hoops to make sure that Silas had not inherited more than my neonatal milk allergy.  I look into those big blue eyes that sparkle so when he smiles, trying to convince myself that they look more like his grandfather’s than mine.  Even if they looked exactly like mine, odds are he did not inherit the condition.  He may be 100 times more likely to have it than any other baby, but that still makes it a one in a million chance.  It happened that way with his uncle.  The minute they put him in my arms and I saw his eyes my heart froze, but seven months later we knew he had only inherited the look, not the problem.  Still, I would feel horrible if I passed this on to poor little Silas, or now Judah.
    There are worse things to pass on to one’s children and grandchildren.  And [Jehoram] walked in the way of the kings of Israel, as did the house of Ahab; for he had the daughter of Ahab to wife: and he did that which was evil in the sight of Jehovah... [Ahaziah] also walked in the ways of the house of Ahab; for his mother was his counselor to do wickedly… And Joram said, Make ready. And they made ready his chariot. And Joram king of Israel…went out to meet Jehu…And…he said, Is it peace, Jehu? And he answered, What peace, so long as the whoredoms of your mother Jezebel…are so many? 2 Chron 21:6; 22:3; 2 Kgs 9:21.
    Are you familiar with this narrative in the Bible?  Start in 1 Kings 16 and read through chapter 11 of 2 Kings some night when you want a really good story.  It is a little of everything:  a family saga; an action-adventure story; a political thriller.  It has a villainess of unspeakable cruelty, an underground movement, a mole in the hierarchy, and a hero who saves the day.  All of this was brought about by the evil influence Ahab and Jezebel had on their children and grandchildren.  
    Perhaps the worst of the bunch was Athaliah, their daughter, who reached the point that she could order the murder of “all the seed royal,” among them her own grandchildren.  I have always thought this woman’s crimes especially heinous but now, having held a grandchild in my arms, I know she must have reached a level of moral depravity nearly unheard of, at least among God’s people.  That is what her parents passed on to her, for the next generation always sees our inconsistencies, the line we will not cross because of the inhibiting baggage we have brought to the table.  They see that inconsistency and erase the line, taking what we have taught them to its logical end.
    I cannot control whether Silas and Judah will inherit my physical condition; but I can control my influence on their spiritual conditions.  I can set an example of faith that will reinforce theirs in moments of trial.  I can set an example of endurance to bolster their ability to overcome.  I can show them how a mature Christian behaves, even when people are less than accommodating.  Those things I can do, if I will.
    Having children is great motivation to be and do better.  Because the end may be in sight and priorities have become clearer, having grandchildren should be the best motivation yet.

I thank God, whom I serve from my forefathers in a pure conscience, how unceasing is my remembrance of you in my supplications, night and day longing to see you, remembering your tears, that I may be filled with joy; having been reminded of the unfeigned faith that is in you; which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois, and your mother Eunice; and, I am persuaded, in you also, 2 Tim 1:3-5.

Dene Ward