This is Part 9 of the Monday series, "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

Drink waters out of your own cistern, And running waters out of your own well. Should your springs be dispersed abroad, And streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, And not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed; And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a pleasant doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And be ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:15-19

            In many ladies’ Bible class books on marriage, especially those written by women, any reference to the sexual relationship is either absent or barely skimmed over.  Obviously, no one is comfortable with this topic, and maybe that is why more and more marriages are falling apart due to adultery.  God had a plan for marriage, and when we neglect any part of that plan, it will not be the perfect plan He created.

            The passage above from Proverbs is not only beautiful, but plainly written and instructive if we do more than read through it quickly with our eyes cast down in embarrassment.

           “Drink waters from your own cistern, and running water out of your own well.”  Yes, there is a possessiveness that is right in a marriage, just as God, who depicted his relationship with his people as a marriage, said, “I am a jealous God.”  I have every right to expect my husband to be mine and mine alone, and he has every right to expect the same from me.  In fact, we each have the right to expect that we were the only ones ever.  “For this is the will of God…that you should abstain from fornication…that no man defraud his brother…” 1 Thes 4:3-6.  When I give myself to another man before marriage, I have defrauded my future husband of what is rightfully his and his alone, and the same holds true for men.  God is an equal opportunity God.

            “Should your springs be dispersed abroad, and streams of water in the streets?  Let them be for yourself alone and not for strangers with you.”  The physical relationship between a husband and wife is not only intimate, it is private, not for general consumption, and sacred in that privacy.  “Let marriage be held in honor and the marriage bed undefiled,” the Hebrew writer adds in 13:4.  This part of the relationship is too precious to be thrown into the street for just anyone to see or hear about.

            “Let your fountain be blessed…”  The fountain here is a parallelism for the cistern, a deep well hewn out of rock.  In the scriptures “cistern” is symbolic of many things, including a necessity of life in a home (Deut 6:11), a peaceful and comfortable home (2 Kgs 18:31), and a source of life (Isa 51:1).  Those are more than appropriate descriptions in this case where the cistern and fountain symbolize the woman’s body.  If the fountain is “blessed,” a Hebrew word that is often translated “happy,” it becomes obvious that the woman is neither abused nor does she dislike the sexual aspect of marriage.  That is emphasized further when the writer continues, “Rejoice in the wife of your youth.”  This relationship is a joyful one.  When Abimelech looked out his window and saw the “brother and sister” team of Isaac and Rebekah “sporting” (Gen 26:7-9), two things became apparent to him.   First, they were married.  Despite the culture we live in, there are things that a husband and wife do that unmarried couples do not do.  Second, they were both enjoying what was going on.  Ladies, not only does God expect you to enjoy this part of your marriage, it can ruin it for the man you say you love if you do not.

            “…In the wife of your youth,” the writer says.  I found a commentator who said that could correctly be translated, “whom you married in your youth.”  In other words, they are no longer young, but they are still together.  God designed marriage for one man and one woman for one lifetime.  He designed this aspect of marriage the same way.  This couple in Proverbs is no longer young but they are still enjoying the sexual relationship God designed.  Frequency and intensity may change, but the need for intimacy in a marriage never goes away.  If you find yourself married to a man you no longer know, maybe it’s because you amputated part of the relationship a long time ago. 

            “Let her breasts satisfy you at all times.”  This husband, despite his wife’s advancing age, is content with what he has.  We have already spoken about keeping yourself desirable to him as much as possible.  But even as your outer beauty fades, you can keep him happy and content by giving him what he needs and wants, when he needs it and wants it. 

            But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5.

            This passage does not say, “You are mine, I can do with you what I want.”  What it does say is, “I am yours, I will do what you want.”  The obligation is on the giver not the taker.  Too many women do not understand the real need that God has placed in a man’s body.  Testosterone makes him more aggressive, which enhances his desire to protect you.  It also makes him more easily aroused sexually.  When you fill that need, it helps to cement the relationship he has with you and his desire to protect and provide for his family.  If you do not allow him to fulfill that need in this godly manner, not only can you damage the relationship, you may be responsible for causing him to stumble (sin), and God will hold you accountable.  The Hebrew word for cistern (bor) is sometimes used of a dungeon or prison—a deep one.  When a man is locked into a sexless marriage, he is in a very real prison, one where he is tempted almost beyond endurance every day of his life, but unable to get out of it and stay faithful to the God he also made that marriage covenant before.  Yes, God allows for a time of abstinence to “devote yourself to prayer.”  Most of the enforced abstinence I know of happens because she got mad and wanted to punish him, not so she could pray.  Ladies, you are playing with fire when you do this, and you may just get burned—eternally.

            “Be ravished always with her love.”  Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the word translated “ravished” means to be deceived or to go astray.  What? I thought confusedly.  Then I got it.  He is so enraptured, enamored, entranced, and captivated by her that he simply loses his good sense.  Like a man who is intoxicated, he wants no one but her, and she is on his mind day and night.  If you have a man who treats you like that, it can be the most erotic thing in the world.  Most of us are not beautiful in the world’s eyes, nor glamorous, but a man who treats you like you are is all any woman really needs.  Now you give him what he needs.  Don’t make him beg.  Don’t make him miserable. 

            Treat him like the love of your life, the man who provides and protects to the best of his ability and wants nothing more than to be with you and you alone forever.

As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. Sustain me with raisins; refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me!.. The voice of my beloved! Behold, he comes, leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, there he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, looking through the lattice. My beloved speaks and says to me: …Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away. O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the crannies of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely…My beloved is mine, and I am his.. Song of Solomon 2:3-6, 8-9, 13-14,16.

Dene Ward

This is Part 8 of the Monday series, "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

            Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7.

            The concept of “vessel” as figurative of bodies, lives, even nations, has been well established since Old Testament times (1 Sam 21:4,5; Psalm 11:12; Isa 65:4; Jer 18).  The figure is continued in the New Testament in passages such as Acts 9:15; 2 Cor 4:7; Rom 9:19ff; 2 Tim 2:20,21, as well as the passage above.  In both the Hebrew and Greek the word literally means “utensil” or “instrument.”  In the Peter passage the word “woman” is actually mistranslated as a noun when it should be an adjective: …giving honor unto the womanly vessel…” as opposed to the manly.  In other words, the man is an instrument too, and both man and woman are instruments of God, not one of the other, joint-heirs of the grace of life.

            I read an article once using the metaphor of crystal goblets and Mason jars.  Which is the weaker (more fragile) vessel?  Yet which one is treated with the most honor (care, protection)?  In many societies the men have used their greater strength to take advantage of the women, using them as workhorses, and ignoring their needs.  When I was younger I heard a man say, “In my day, women used to have babies and go out and work in the field the next day.”  My husband replied, “And a lot more of them died young too.”  It has only been in modern civilization that the average lifespan of women has surpassed that of men. A good many of the laws that seem slanted against women in the Old Testament, were actually given for their protection.  The scriptures teach that men are not to take advantage of women just because of their greater physical strength but to give them the honor and care of a fragile, crystal goblet.

           Some have a problem with the word “weaker.”  The word does not mean “weak.”  It is a word of comparison.  It means “less strong,” and it certainly does not apply to intellect or emotion.  As we recently discovered, the woman of Proverbs 31 possesses the strength to handle life’s problems instead of being another emotional burden on her husband.  A man wants a woman who can keep her head in a crisis, bear disappointment with a smile, and take heartbreak without a complete collapse.  And yes, it is right for him to want a woman who can and will work alongside him without complaining.

            I have dug ditches in a monsoon next to my husband to keep our house from washing away.  But he sent me in after the worst was done, to rest and dry off while he “just finished up,” another hour’s work.  There are times when things must be done and one has to muster up as much physical strength as possible, but the strongest man is still stronger than the strongest woman.  Until all athletic contests are no longer gender specific and the women are regularly winning, there is no denying that men are physically stronger.

            The media consistently presents the man of the family as a buffoon, a bumbling idiot who must always be saved from himself by his far more intelligent, cultured, sensible wife.  Do you think I haven’t heard Christian women talk about their men in exactly the same way?

            God designed the man to be the provider and protector, 1 Tim 5:8; Gen 3:17-19, even to giving his life for his wife if necessary, Eph 5:25.  Let him use what God put in him!  Nowadays we are so civilized that there is seldom any substantive need for real protection—no wild animals, no angry natives, no longer any dramatic way to prove himself.  Then, to make it worse, we steal our husbands’ self-esteem by complaining about the standard of living he has provided, laughing at his attempts to buy us gifts, and insulting his careful planning for our financial security.  If you don’t think you are being treated with the honor you deserve, maybe it’s because you have not let him honor you in the only ways he knows how, the ways God programmed into him.

            It is up to you to let your husband be the head of the house.  Eph 5:22 never tells the husband to put his wife into subjection.  In the same way, he cannot “nourish and cherish” you (literally “feed and warm”) if you do not let him (Eph 5:29).  God used marriage as a pattern for his relationship with His people.  He had a problem when his “wife” went to someone besides Him for her needs and her protection, and when she insisted that she could take care of herself without Him, Hos 2:5-13.  What makes us think a man will feel any differently when we act like we don’t need him?

But if any provide not for his own, and specially his own household, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever. 1 Timothy 5:8.

Dene Ward

This is  Part 7 of the Monday series "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

            In Ezekiel 24:16, Jehovah refers to Ezekiel’s wife as “the desire of your eyes.”  Too many wives miss the significance of that description.  We think that once we have caught ourselves a man, we don’t have to worry about our appearance.  If this verse means anything, it means that Ezekiel loved to look at his wife, that her appearance pleased him.  That doesn’t just happen.  In some manner, she paid enough attention to herself to stay attractive to him.

            Now, that verse also says a lot about Ezekiel.  She was the desire of his eyes, no one else.  She was the one he wanted to look at, not every other woman who might display herself in an inappropriate way.  He wasn’t in the market for another woman.  Notice also, Ezekiel was thirty when the book began, and no more than 36 when it ended.  He was not an older man with a decreased libido.  To even a young Ezekiel there was one woman and one woman only.

            But that still doesn’t take away from the idea that a godly woman is careful about her appearance.  I am not going to tell you that you have to stay a size 4—if you ever were to begin with.  Carrying his children and preparing his meals, plus the added responsibility of hospitality that in the Scriptures always involved sharing a meal, precludes any notion of a girl-like figure lasting through fifty years of marriage.  I am, however, supposed to be a living sacrifice, Rom 12:1.  That means I take care of my health as surely as it meant keeping those animal sacrifices healthy and unblemished.  It means I exercise self-control in all things, Gal 5:23; 2 Pet 1:6.  I heard one woman say, “To lose weight I have to be hungry, and I just won’t do that.”  With that attitude, Jesus would have turned the stones into a four course meal. 

            Yet even the most conscientious of women put it on.  Unless you are genetically predisposed to thinness, there comes a time when either your metabolism has slowed too much with age or you are under activity restrictions for medical reasons which make it more difficult to exercise it off.  Discouragement is constant.  Men can leave the butter off their bread and lose ten pounds in a month.  You can leave out both the butter and the bread, and maybe you will lose half a pound that month, but you will gain it and four more back the next weekend when you have company or cook for a church potluck.  You simply accept that your waistline will thicken, and a good man will understand.  But a Christian always exercises moderation and self-control, and always cares for her Temple, 1 Cor 6:19,20, even a slightly larger one.

            But if your figure is the only thing that makes you the desire of your husband’s eyes, you obviously picked the wrong man.  Watching your weight is only a small part of a woman’s appearance and, except in cases endangering health, probably the most superficial.  A lot can be said for just staying presentable.  Are you clean and sweet-smelling?  Is your hair clean and combed?  Are your clothes clean, pressed, and mended?  It is just as impossible to live with a woman and never see her in curlers and cold cream as it is to live with a man and never see him sweaty and unshaven, but is she still shuffling around in those dingy scuffs and ratty terrycloth robe at noon?  Does she save her nice clothes, makeup, and hairdos for others, and always wear holey jeans or frumpy house dresses and leave her hair scraggly and unkempt for him, even when it isn’t window-washing, bean-picking, or floor-scrubbing day?

            The worthy woman made “for herself carpets of tapestry, her clothing is fine linen and purple” Prov 31:22.  We certainly do not advocate living beyond one’s means, but the wife should make some effort to look nice—for him.  It costs more time and money than most of us have to look glamorous, but just a little time and effort would give some husbands a welcome change, plenty enough for him to call her “the desire of my eyes.”

            The most important way for women to stay beautiful is to “adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefastness and sobriety, not with braided hair and gold or pearls, but (which becomes women professing godliness) with good works” 1 Tim 2:9,10.  Many a plain woman has become beautiful to me as I came to know her because of her character shining through, but no amount of makeup has hidden for long the ugliness of others. 

            One cannot make her features more regular or remove the flaws from her skin, but she can clean up her soul and with God’s help, keep it white as snow.  She can keep from becoming hard and bitter.  She can keep her voice from screeching and whining.  She can keep her face from scowling and sneering.

            A man has no business expecting his fifty-year old wife to look twenty-five, but he has every reason to expect her character to grow younger until she becomes “as a little child” Mark 10:15.  As the king advised in Proverbs 31:10: Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears Jehovah, she shall be praised.


Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.1 Peter 3:4.

Dene Ward

And he came to Lystra and Derbe and behold, a certain disciple was there named Timothy, the son of a Jewess that believed, but his father was a Greek, Acts 16:1.

            Having been reminded of the unfeigned faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois, and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded, in you also, 2 Tim 1:5.

            Did you see it?  Don’t feel bad.  I missed it too, for years.

            Wasn’t it great that Eunice taught her son so well?  But how many of us are thinking in the back of our minds, “Tsk, tsk, it would have been easier if she had married a child of God to begin to with.”  I have been guilty of such snap judgments myself over the years, placing these people in my own culture and social customs.  Lydia aside, it was not common for a woman to make her own living in those days, in those places.  Because of that, to be left alone a widow was to be sentenced to a life of poverty and dependence upon the kindness of others.  Look how many passages in the Law made provisions for the widow and orphan.  They did not live in a day of insurance policies, pensions, Social Security, and Aid for Dependent Children.  If God’s people did not follow the Law as he designed it, the widow and orphan would starve. 

            Parents often arranged marriages, and expecting their daughter to live alone and support herself simply because they could not find a God-fearing husband for her was not an expedient choice for Eunice’s parents.  Out in the Gentile world with few practicing Jews in the area, the best they could do was find a Greek whom they thought would take good care of their daughter.

            And here is what we miss:  how do we know there were no Jews to choose from?  It was Paul’s custom to go to the synagogue first when he came to a town, (Acts 13:5, 14; 14:1: 17:1, etc).  From the account in Acts, it seems evident that there were no synagogues in Lystra or Derbe.  That also means there were fewer than 10 Jewish male heads of household in the town, the number necessary to form a synagogue, and not even enough Jewish women to meet down by the river as in Philippi, (16:13).  Which means there was no Jewish school to send her son to, one of the primary functions of a local synagogue.  Besides these obstacles, how many little boys want to “be like Daddy?”

             So now you have a woman married to a Greek, who was taught the scripture (Old Testament) so well that she “also believed,” meaning she accepted Jesus as the fulfillment of Messianic prophecy, something even the “well-educated” scribes and “pious” Pharisees could not seem to do.  And she raised a son to do the same, without a righteous man to influence him, without a formal religious education, and without a community of believers from which to draw help and encouragement.

            I daresay that none of us has the problems Eunice faced as a mother.  In this day when so many want to blame everyone else for their failures, when so many blame the church for the way their children turned out, she is a shining example of what can be done, of one who took the responsibility and, despite awesome odds, succeeded.

            The world bestows the term “Supermom” for all the wrong reasons.  Here is the real thing, one we should be emulating every day of our lives.

And these words which I command you this day shall be upon your heart, and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up.  And you shall bind them for a sign upon your hand, and they shall be frontlets between your eyes.  And you shall write them upon the doorposts of your house and upon your gates,  Deut 6:6-9.

Dene Ward

This is Part 5 of the Monday series "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

A worthy woman is a crown to her husband, but she that makes ashamed is as rottenness in his bones, Prov 12:4.

A crown shows that a man is a leader, worthy of respect and honor.  A wife crowns or dethrones her husband with her spoken attitudes and behavior.  The public often takes its cue from her, for who can respect a “man who knows not how to rule his own house?” (1 Tim 3:5).

His wife’s subjections is probably the surest gauge of a husband’s character.  Despite all her protestations, a wife who is not in subjection is easy to spot--she will not be in subjection anywhere.  In Bible classes she is controversial, opinionated, and pushy.  She speaks her mind in a sarcastic, hostile, or offensive tone of voice—and woe to the teacher who tries to point this out!  She makes public scenes either by raising her voice or by being careless of who may be within earshot.  Any man, anywhere, any time is prey to her razor-sharp tongue.

A wife’s loyalty to her husband is another way of bestowing honor on him.  Unfortunately, we who consider ourselves loyal may behave in disloyal ways without ever realizing it.  Loyalty is not confined to sexual fidelity.

A woman who does things she and her friends know her husband disapproves of is disloyal.  Do you have to hide things from him?  The phone bill? The credit card statement?  Do you keep a dress for six months so that when you finally whip it out and wear it you can “truthfully” say, “No this isn’t new.  I’ve had it quite awhile.”  You might be surprised at some of the things I have heard women admit to.  Even if his demands are unreasonable, the very fact that you gripe about them to others and then disregard them, shows that you want others to feel the same disdain for him you do.  God intended that a husband and wife be for each other, each the one the other can count on.

A gossiping wife causes others to think less of her husband.  How much would you be willing to share with a man whose wife spent half her day on the phone?  Would you go to him for help with a problem?  Would you be inclined to “confess your faults” (James 5:19)?  Gossip causes everyone to “wag their heads” (Psa 64:8), a sure sign of disrespect.

A wife surely demeans her husband by making statements that begin, “He knows better than to…” as if he should fear the consequences she might hand out.  What tales we tell about our marriages without realizing it!

Immoral behavior is probably the greatest disgrace a wife can bring to her husband.  It leaves others questioning not only his control of the home, but his manhood as well.  More Christians slip into adultery than you want to believe.  Others get as close to it as they can with their choice of clothing.  Lewd dress encourages men to think thoughts about other men’s wives that they have no business thinking.  Not only has she shamed her husband, but she has caused others to sin as well.

When a woman acts in these ways, she is telling the world, “I do not feel my husband is worthy of honor and respect.  Why should you?”  And that publicly expressed attitude, even if never spoken aloud, eats away at him: “but she who makes ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.”  Just as cancer can kill the body, a wife can murder her husband’s spirit. 

Respect your husband; honor him as head.  Do nothing that will shame him.  Be a crown, the reason others respect and honor him.  As it is said of the worthy woman:
Her husband is known in the gates where he sits among the elders of the land, Prov 31:23.

Dene Ward

This is Part 4 of the Monday series "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

God saw a need and said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make a help meet for him” (Gen 2:18).  Notice, that is two words—a help meet, “meet” being the adjective of the word “help.”  Our modern dictionaries put them together as helpmeet or helpmate and define it as “wife.”  According to Mr. Webster, every married woman is a “helpmeet,” but the Bible usage involves a distinction, specifying what kind of help the woman is to be—a meet help, or as some versions read, “a helper suitable” to the man.

In one sense woman is suitable to man by her very natures, this is, because he “made them male and female” (Matt 19:4).  God made man and woman to complement one another in an emotional way as well.  Man is the idealist who sets the lofty goals; woman is the pragmatist who pulls them down to something within reach and organizes the process of getting there.  Man is the strong one who goes out to deal with the world; woman is the softer one who soothes his wounds.  Man is the cynic who, as such, is able to protect his family from those who might take advantage of them; woman is the more merciful one, who sometimes allows it to excuse faults or wrongs that need punishing.  Together they temper one another and are more than they could ever be apart. 

But in another real sense, not every woman is suitable to every man.  We would do well to teach our children this fact.  They grow up believing in “happily ever after” and “love conquers all,” but after years of picking up muddy boots and strewn clothes, listening to foul language or crude habits, and waking up at 2 am with no idea where he is, she begins to wonder if her love has enough ammunition left to conquer anything else.  We must teach them to be more objective—more cold-blooded—about choosing a mate.

What about his chosen career?  It takes a completely different kind of woman to be a doctor’s wife than to be a farmer’s wife; to be a policeman’s wife than to be a small business owner’s wife.  Each job carries demands on the man that will affect his family.  Sometimes he will be called away at a moment’s notice.  Sometimes he will be in danger.  Sometimes he will need to keep things confidential.  Sometimes she may need to pitch in and work right next to him.  Can you handle it?  If you haven’t thought of these things before your marriage, if you haven’t discussed the problems that could arise, you have been short-sighted at best and foolish at worst.

But once a woman has taken the plunge, if she is not suited to him, it becomes her duty to make herself suitable to her man, even if it means changing lifelong habits and ideas.   When I recognize a problem, it becomes my responsibility to try to solve it whether anyone else helps or not (Rom 2:6).  If I see my marriage faltering because of our differences, I need to do everything I can to repair the situation.  And most men are not as bad as some women would have us believe.  When he sees such obvious efforts on his wife’s part, the husband usually works harder himself; but even if he doesn’t, shirking responsibilities will not be excused.

Changing will easier if she is optimistic and open-minded.  If she goes into something dreading it, thinking she will hate it, griping at every little thing that does not suit her, then 99% of the time, she will hate it.  And what’s more, so will he.  He will come away dissatisfied, and she will wonder why because after all “we did just what he wanted.”  For example, in choosing a vacation trip, where they went or what they did was less the point than having a good time—with her!  Her dissatisfaction and complaining made them both miserable.

Try approaching things with a positive attitude, determined to find something in them you can enjoy, and equally determined not to gripe.  Does it require physical exertion?  Look at it as a way to improve your health.  Is he much better at it than you?  Look at it as a way to build his ego.  Compliment him fervently and he will become a gallant knight right before your eyes.  (When was the last time you gave him a real compliment anyway?)  Is it “just not the way you are?”  Then use it to improve your self-discipline (2 Pet 1:6).  None of us have enough.  Will it mess up your hairdo?  (Yes, I have actually heard that one!)  Really now, your companionship does a whole lot more for your marriage than your hairdo.  “It is not good that the man should be alone.”  Make yourself meet, suitable, for him.

There is another angle to this help business.  The very word demands that the woman not be a hindrance.  How many times have you heard it said of a man, “He’d be a good ________ if it weren’t for his wife?”  Especially in regard to his spiritual duties, what could your husband be if you were a better person?  A personal worker?  A Bible class teacher?  A full-time gospel preacher?  A deacon?  An elder?  Perhaps he needs to develop himself more as well, but will he do so if he knows that all he will get from you is criticism of his efforts or complaints about the time his new duties take or, worse yet, if he knows your character does not fit the bill (1 Tim 3:11)? Won’t you feel ashamed if your husband has to tell the Lord, “I have married a wife and therefore I cannot come” (Luke 14:20)? 

Be a help to the man you love, not a hindrance; a steppingstone on his way to Heaven, not a stumbling block over which he plunges straight into Hell.  And make no mistake about it.  If that’s what happens, you will be there too.

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his (or her) own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Philippians 2:3-4.

Dene Ward

This is part 3 of the Monday series Whoso Findeth a Wife
             
In Psalms 128:3 the woman is called the fruitful vine. In the Psalm this refers primarily to bearing children, but it can also be true in other areas in which the wife acts as a producer for her husband.

The most important thing a homemaker produces is exactly what her title
says—a home.  Unfortunately, homemaking often has a bad name. 
The woman at home is portrayed as a leech on her husband’s arm—always
consuming and never producing.  In this portrait, she is sitting in her easy chair, a television in front of her, a telephone on one side, romance novels and sales catalogues on the other—or maybe a computer monitor or iPhone these days?.  On the one day a week she is not reading, gossiping, or staring, she is
out spending her husband’s hard-earned money on more clothes, a shampoo and set, and a basket full of overpriced convenience food. The beds are never made.  The clothes may be washed, but one always has to pick through the laundry basket for clean underwear.  Dinner varies from Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee to Stouffer’s, depending upon the occasion.  The children care for themselves,
coming and going as they please.  She does not know if they have done their homework or Bible lessons; she has no idea if they are being taught evolution, situation ethics, humanism, or any other atheistic –ism.  If her children were kidnapped, she wouldn’t know what they were last wearing, when they left the house, with whom, or in what direction—she sleeps in, you see.

That is our image, ladies, and some of it is our fault. We started believing our detractors when they told us how unfulfilling our lives were.  The asked us if
we work, and instead of proudly saying, “Of course, I work; I’m a homemaker,” we hung our heads and m uttered an apology about being “just a housewife.”  Titus 2:5 calls the woman a worker at home.  We have been so busy
emphasizing the “at home,” that we have forgotten to emphasize “worker.”  No, we do not punch a time clock, but that makes it more difficult, not less.  We have to make ourselves take the time and do the work.  We are on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week—no holidays.

It takes as many hours to stretch a dollar (gardening, canning, sewing,
coupon clipping, comparison shopping, baking from scratch) as it does to earn
one.  It takes more time to read and discuss a Bible story that it does to plop a child in front of a television set.  It takes extra time to read up on humanism and monitor our children’s schoolwork for its insidious signs; then it takes old-fashioned nerve to speak up about it. It takes more self-discipline and creativity to be a homemaker than any other career in the world!

But it is a most rewarding calling if it is handled as God intended.  When one truly produces a home, people notice, not just because the housework is done, but because the atmosphere of the home is carried everywhere with the family members.  A haven, peaceful and secure—the place you run to not from—that is a home.

The fruitful vine lives to produce.  She is never resentful or regretful.  When we do as Titus 2:4 says and learn to love our husbands (not just “fall” in love) and to love our children, the homes we produce for them will show our love because all the work we do is for them.  The fruitful vine asks nothing in return from those who pick her grapes.  Because the fruit is so plenteous and good, her loved ones shower her with care and attention.  
 
What kind of fruit are you producing, ladies?  Is it scarce?  Tough?  Undersized? Seedy?  Sour?  Does it come like a fortune cookie with a little message inside:  “(Sigh) and after all I’ve done for you….”

It takes extra effort to be a fruitful vine. Let’s get to work and change our image to what it used to be. 
 
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates,” Prov 31:31.

Dene Ward

This is Part 2 of the new Monday series, "Whoso Findeth A Wife."

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing…Prov 18:22.

Does one become a good thing by simply saying, “I do?” In other words is every wife a good thing?  There might be a point to this we overlook.  Because we know the answer is “no,” we add a few words to the scripture.  “Whoso findeth a wife might have found a good thing.”  But that is not what it says!  A wife is something a man has to look for whereas women who want to marry are a dime a dozen.  We are also told that the worthy woman (wife) is hard to find (Prov 31:10).  Perhaps the point is that not every married woman deserves to be called a wife.

There was an era when society cast a blind eye on a man who had both a wife and a mistress.  Yet even then, most decent women would have been insulted to be asked to be a mistress instead of a wife. It was an honor to be a man’s wife, and one recognized the responsibilities it laid upon her in behavior and management of the home.  You’ve seen those old movies just like I have.  “You don’t think I’m good enough to marry!” the courtesan screams at the two-timing husband.  “Good enough to be a wife,” shows that the position was held in honor, even if not every man treated it that way. 

And nowadays?  It has become more important to assert and indulge self.  A woman may keep her own name, or add his as an appendage to it.  She may have a career, which he must realize takes precedence over the home they planned to make together, and which may even take precedence over his career.  She may farm out their children to someone else to raise, very often a stranger whose values may or may not reflect theirs.  And in many cases, she may not even marry him.  Why bother when society doesn’t even seem to care any more either?  Once again we see that attitude:  “What’s the big deal with being a wife?”

Management of the home has taken a bad rap.  When my husband tells people, “I have no idea what’s what.  She takes care of everything,” I don’t find it a bit demeaning.  Isn’t that what women say they want these days, some recognition and appreciation for the skills they use every day?  My husband comes to me when he runs out of toothpaste, when he can’t find his favorite jeans, and when he needs the receipt for the shoes whose sole separated after just a month’s wear.  I am the one who keeps supplies stocked, sorts and files the sales slips, and knows that he wore a hole in the seat of those jeans far too large to patch with anything but a quilt.  I am the one who knows which bill is due when, and whether we can afford that new chainsaw he thinks he needs.  That’s exactly what the word means in 1 Tim 5:14, the younger widow is to remarry and manage the home--oikodespoteo--to manage as a steward under a head.  It carries a lot of responsibility.  It is required in stewards that they be found faithful, 1 Cor 4:2.

But that isn’t the half of it.  What makes this wife a good thing is that he can trust her.  She does him good and not evil all the days of her life, Prov 31:12.  The modern woman is too worried about doing for herself to do for him.  I have heard far too many of them whine about needing “me time,” even Christians.  Jesus said to save your life you need to lose it in service to others.  We will never find “me time” if that’s all we ever look for.  To save your life, you must lose it.

Doing him good all the days of your life means whether he deserves it or not, whether he can do for you or not.  I watched my mother care for my father for twelve years before he died, day and night, sacrificing her own health and well-being, even though those final three or four years he had no idea who she was.  She remembered the vows she made, not just to him, but before God as well, sixty-four years before.  If anyone deserved to be called a wife, she did.

It is one thing to say, “I am this man’s wife.”  It is another to be his wife.  We should count it an honor to be our man’s wife.  Griping about the man or the job is not the way it’s done.

A worthy woman who can find? ...The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he shall have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life… She opens her mouth with wisdom; And the law of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, And eats not the bread of idleness, Prov 31:  10-12, 26,27.

Dene Ward

Despite the opinion of today’s woman, who believes that being a wife is so simple she must have something real to do with her life, it is not that easy.  Christians, too, have fallen into the notion that there is nothing to it.  Rather than studying what God has said with open and understanding minds, we have accepted the stereotype handed down by society, family, even older Christians.  Whereas the older training the younger is scriptural procedure, if their training comes only from subjective experience rather than the word of God, each generation gradually drifts from the original.  Too often culture has a way of sneaking into our thinking, and whereas the Scriptures suit all cultures, not all cultures suit the Scriptures.  I can be a modern woman and still be a Christian, but only if I accept God’s word in its entirety and alter my behavior as necessary.

Yet that isn’t the way it always works.  Countless numbers read Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 in every ladies’ Bible class, and still do not recognize their own failures as wives.  We have brainwashed ourselves into believing that because we can quote these pet scriptures, are willing to say, “My husband is the head of the house,” and at least follow the norm in the church, we are good wives.  No wonder we find it so easy!  Paul warned the Corinthians about using something other than the scriptures to measure their righteousness (2 Cor, 10:12).  One can always find someone worse than she, if she looks low enough. 

James and John both teach that saying and doing are two entirely different things (James 2:18,20; 1 John 2:4; 3:18). The same women who quote scripture will ridicule their husbands to others, even in their presence, try to deceive them and think nothing of it, and make pronouncements about what those men will and will not do “in my house.”  The friends and neighbors who see us everyday, as opposed to we who blind ourselves to our behavior, may have an entirely different opinion about who runs our homes, and the state of our marriage.

We cannot be Christians without accepting the New Testament as our guide for living, and Ephesians 5, Colossians 3, and 1 Peter 3 are rich passages for us to turn to.  But if we do not know how to apply them, their benefit is lost.  Rom 15:4 gives the Christian the authority to search out the Old Testament for other clues to what God meant a wife to be.  She will find there many simple metaphors that will give her both a broader perspective and a deeper insight into the job she has before her.  It is a few of these passages we will look at in this study.

I hope you will join me every Monday for the next few weeks as we search the scriptures for these clues to being a godly wife.

Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of Jehovah, Prov 18:22.

Dene Ward

            Along time ago we lived near a man who raised a little livestock.  He had a sow down the fence line from us, and one summer morning we woke to find piglets rooting their way through our yard, trying to find mama. Mama was too big to get under the pen, but the babies weren’t.  After that we kept tabs on those piglets, and the boys, who were about 6 and 4, loved going to see them.  Baby animals, as a general rule, are cute—even pigs.

            One evening I stuck my head out the door and hollered extra loudly, “Dinner!” because I knew that’s where they were.  Keith said they started back immediately, Nathan on his shoulders, and Lucas walking along side.  About halfway back he swapped boys, and told Nathan to run on ahead and wash his hands. As he watched, Nathan ran along the sandy path toward our driveway, then veered to the left instead of to the right toward the house.  Immediately his father yelled, ‘What did I tell you to do?!” and Nathan instantly changed his direction and ran for the house without even a backward look.

            As he approached the deep shade of the drive himself, Keith felt an inch tall.  Nathan’s tricycle was off to the left, parked in the hedgerow by our chicken pen.  That’s what he had been headed for because his father had taught him to always put up his tricycle.

            He put Lucas down on the ground and sent him on into the house as he went for the tricycle himself, to put it up for his younger son, who had only been trying to obey his father in all things.  Just as he got there, a gray-green cottonmouth as thick as a bike tire tube charged from the bushes.  Keith was able to grab a shovel in time and kill it. 

            Imagine if that had been a four year old.  Would he have seen the snake in time?  Would he have even known to be on the look out as one should here in the north Florida piney woods?  Cottonmouths are not shy—not only will they charge, they will change direction and come after you.  A snake that size could easily have struck above Nathan’s waist, and at forty pounds he was probably dead on his feet.

            Now let me ask you this—does your child obey you instantly?  Or do you have to argue, threaten, bribe, or cajole him into doing what you tell him to do?  Do you think it doesn’t matter?  The world is filled with dangerous things, even if you don’t live where I do—traffic, electricity, deep water, high drop offs—predators.  If you don’t teach him instant obedience, you could be responsible for his injury or death some day--you, because you didn’t teach him to obey.  Because you thought it wasn’t that important.  Because you thought it would make him hate you.  Because you thought it made you sound mean.  Or dozens of other excuses.

            We put our boys in child seats before it was required by law.  We actually had other people ask us, “How do you get him to sit in the seat?”  Excuse me? Isn’t it funny that when the law started requiring it, those parents figured it out?  Not getting in trouble with the law was evidently more important to them than the welfare of their children.

            The hedgerows don’t go away when your child grows up.  In fact, they become even more dangerous if you haven’t taught them as you should have.  Isn’t it sad when the elders of the church have to nag people to get them to do one simple thing for the betterment of the church or the visitors whose souls they are supposed to care about, like sitting somewhere besides the two back pews?  Those are probably the same people who as children had to be begged to obey their parents. 

            Do you want to know what someone was like as a child?  I can show you the ones who threw tantrums; they’re the ones who threaten to leave if things aren’t done their way.  I can point out the ones who wouldn’t share their toys; they won’t give up anything now either, especially not their “rights.”  The snake in the hedgerow has bitten them, and this time it poisoned their souls, not their bodies.

            Look around you Sunday morning.  Decide which of those adults you want your children to be like when they grow up.  It doesn’t happen automatically.  It happens when loving parents work hard, sometimes enduring a whole lot of unpleasantness and even criticism, to mold their children into disciples of the Lord.

            Danger hides in the hedgerows.  Make sure your child’s soul stays safe.

Now Adonijah [David’s son and] the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, "I will be king." And he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him. His father had never at any time displeased him by asking, "Why have you done thus and so?" 1 Kings 1:5-6.

On that day I will fulfill against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. And I declare to him that I am about to punish his house forever, for the iniquity that he knew, because his sons were blaspheming God, and he did not restrain them, 1 Samuel 3:12-13.

Dene Ward