This new series has come to me in fits and starts over the years.  Age has a way of bringing together bits and pieces into a final realization that would never have arrived any other way.  After reviewing my life and observing hundreds of others, answering letters and emails seeking advice, and having scores of private sessions both in person and on the phone, I think I have finally figured something out. 

            We teach our young men fairly well these days, especially now that man-bashing has become a cultural phenomenon.  We, meaning women, seem to think they are responsible for all the ills in the world, and bumbling idiots to boot.  If you haven’t noticed that on television, you haven’t been paying enough attention.  So we teach them to be considerate husbands and involved fathers.  But have we ever taught them that, as the Divinely appointed head in practically all situations, they are to be spiritual leaders?  It is up to them, the scriptures say, to bring up their children “in the chastening and admonition of the Lord,” Eph 6:4.  It is up to them to “feed the flock” Acts 20:28.  It is up to them to make their wives holy (Eph 5:25-27).  As a woman I am not the one to teach this, but I can share with you the men in my life and how they have fulfilled their duties, and let their examples teach.  I am blessed to have had these men watching out for my spiritual growth and learning. 

            Obviously, fathers have the most to do with a child’s spiritual growth.  I have already introduced you to my father, Gerald Ayers--his example, his wisdom, and his care.  Because he understood his role, I grew up to be a Christian, not just someone who “got wet” and sat on a pew, but a real disciple of Christ. 

            In my house, no one ever questioned where we would be on Sunday and Wednesday.  There was never any reason to ask if I could miss an assembly for anything whatsoever.  It went without saying.  That kind of consistency is remarkably absent these days.  We try so hard to teach people that being a Christian is about more than sitting on a pew that we forget to tell them where and when to sit at all. 

            Yet I knew that assembly wasn’t all of it.  “Little pitchers have big ears,” we say of our children.  I heard some of the things he went through at work because he wouldn’t participate in after hours drinking, because he wouldn’t lie for the boss, and because his language was above reproach.  They called him, “Shucks,” because that was the strongest word that ever came out of his mouth, and most of them meant it as an insult.  I knew that being a Christian was important enough to take those insults, to be shunned, and to stand up when no one else stood with you.  My mother stood right there beside him.

            As I grew older he made sure I had the tools to study my Bible.  He made sure I had the time to do my lessons.  When a science teacher in the 8th grade gave me grief for being a Creationist, he gave me the materials I needed.  He had collected them and filed them away, and when the day came and I needed help, he handed me plenty of ammunition to fight my first real battle as a believer.  Thanks to him I wrote a paper that impressed even my teacher, according to her written remarks, even though to save face she only gave me a B+.  As a straight A student, I wore that B+ like a badge of honor.  It was my first ding in God’s service.

            My father continued in his role as leader when his grandsons came along.  They both remember his kindness, his smile, and the hymns he constantly sang.  Before he died, even in a state of increasing dementia, he was concerned about our faith.  “I want us all worshipping with the saints in Heaven,” he told me.  Recently I dedicated one of my posts to him, and I often use him as an example in my classes. He was the first of my spiritual leaders and probably the most important because he set the foundation for others to build on.

             But there were three more men who influenced me greatly, and I want you to know them too.  I hope you will continue to join me every Monday as I share them with you.

And if it seem evil unto you to serve Jehovah, choose you this day whom you will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve Jehovah. Joshua 24:15.

Dene Ward

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          We heat with wood.  A thirty-two-year-old Ashley wood stove sits in the heart of our home—the kitchen and family room area.  Our boys grew up watching their father labor with a chainsaw, axe, and splitting maul, eventually helping him load the eighteen inch lengths of wood into the pickup bed and then onto the wood racks.  Every time a friend or neighbor lost a tree or several large limbs fell, the phone rang, and the three of them set off for a Saturday’s worth of work that kept us warm for a few days and the heating bill down where we could pay it.

            At first those small boys could only carry one log at a time, and a small one at that.  Wood is heavy if still unseasoned, and always rough and unwieldy.  By the time they were 10, an armful numbered two or three standard logs, even the lighter, seasoned ones.  They were 16 or older before they could come close to their father’s armload of over half a dozen logs, and grown men before they could match him log for log.  Even that is a small amount of wood.  In a damped woodstove, it might last half the night, but on an open fire barely an hour.

            So I laugh when I see pictures of an 8-10 year old Isaac carrying four or five “sticks” up Mt Moriah behind his father Abraham.  To carry the amount of wood necessary to burn a very wet animal sacrifice, Isaac had to have been grown, or nearly so, not less than 16 or 17, and probably older and more filled out.  In fact, in the very next chapter, Genesis 23, Isaac is 37 years old.  In chapter 21, his weaning, he is somewhere between 3 and 8, probably the older end, so all we can say for certain is he is between 3 and 37 at the time of his offering.  Our experience with wood carrying tells me that he was far older than most people envision.

            Do you realize what that means?  This may well have been a test of Abraham’s faith, but it also shows that Isaac’s faith was not far behind his father’s.  He could easily have over-powered his father, a man probably two decades north of 100, and gotten away.  He, too, trusted that God would provide, even as he lay himself down on that altar and watched his father raise his hand.

            How did he know?  Because he watched God provide everyday of his life.  He saw his father’s relationship with God, heard his prayers and watched his offerings, witnessed the decisions he made every day based solely on the belief in God’s promises, and his absolute obedience even when it hurt, like sending his brother Ishmael away (Gen 21:12-14). Isaac did not know a time when his family did not trust God, so he did too.  “God will provide” made perfect sense to him.

            When that young man carried that hefty load of wood up that mountain, he went with a purpose, based upon the example of his father’s faith and his Father’s faithfulness.  Would your children be willing to carry that wood?

The living, the living, he thanks you, as I do this day; the father makes known to the children your faithfulness. Isaiah 38:19

Dene Ward

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            A male cardinal showed up one spring morning and tried out the bird feeder.  He had not eaten long before he left and came back with his mate.  He started eating while she sat on the side simply watching, but then he picked up another seed and hopped over to her, gently placing it in her mouth.  She ate and afterward continued to eat, the two of them side by side, enjoying a free and easy meal that she now knew was safe.

            A few weeks later I noticed that her figure was spreading.  Her round breast was more than round.  Too much bird seed, I wondered?  But no, all of a sudden one morning she was thinner again, and she and her mate came separately instead of together.  In fact, she came much less often, and he did a whole lot of back and forth commuting.

            Then they showed up with four other cardinals, young ones nearly full-grown, but thinner and with a scruffy plumage, even more muted than Mom’s.  One female would only sit on the edge of the feeder and quiver her wings so fast they seemed but a blur, leaning forward with her mouth open.  Daddy often fed her, one seed at a time, until she was full and flew away. After a week of that, Mom had had enough.  How was this one ever going to learn to feed herself?  So she often flew at the young one, nearly knocking her off the feeder.  Daddy got the message and stopped the “spoon feeding.”  Sometimes Daddy’s little girl tries it again, but Daddy makes her get her own now.  What will she do when he is gone if she never has taken care of herself before?

            In the evenings the whole family comes to the feeder together.  The young ones fly at one another playfully before settling down to eat.  Mom and Dad used to eat last, but more often now they jump right in with the “little ones,” some of whom are bigger than their parents.  The plumage on the males is starting to redden, and, what is more important, they come to eat even when their parents don’t.  They have learned to shell the seeds, and the flying debris often pings against the windows and out into the azaleas.  They have also learned to fend for themselves against the other birds, and when the big bad squirrel comes, they will either gang up on him, or if one is alone, that bird knows it is much better to simply run. 

            The cardinals have done well.  Did you know that those birds are monogamous for life?  And they have taught their children well.  They know how to take care of themselves.  They know when to fight and when to run.  They know where to come when they need nourishment, because mama and daddy brought them from the time they were able to fly there behind them.  If something ever happens to those parents, I know the young ones will still be visiting me every day.  And soon, they will bring their own. 

            By the way, this lesson is not for the birds. 

Give ear, O my people, to my law: incline your ears to the words of my mouth.  I will open my mouth in a parable; I will utter dark sayings of old, which we have heard and known, and our fathers have told us. We will not hide them from their children, telling to the generation to come the praises of Jehovah, and his strength, and his wondrous works that he has done. For he established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers, that they should make them known to their children; that the generation to come might know them, even the children that should be born; who should arise and tell them to their children, Psalm 78:1-6.

Dene Ward

(Today’s post is by guest writer Keith Ward, written to our son following his wedding)

            As I listened to Thaxter Dickey perform your wedding, thoughts came together that have been forming over years of study. Someone recently asked, “Why male and female: God could have done reproduction some other way. Is there a significance?” Maybe this is part of the answer that has been revealed.

            God said, “Let us make man in our image...and he created man [mankind, not male] in his own image...male and female created he them.”  (Gen 1:26-27). I have often used this passage to establish that from the beginning God is spoken of as the plurality we find revealed as the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit in the N.T. Also, it is clear that since both male and female are in his image, all that is good about the feminine nature and motherhood is as much a part of God’s character as the best of masculinity and fatherhood.

            These are old thoughts, often shared and heard. But as I considered the union being formed before us all, I connected another old truth; the word for “one” in the phrase “and they shall be one flesh” is the same as in “Jehovah thy God is one” (Gen 2:23; Deut 6:4) revealing a purpose of marriage I had previously not discerned. First, let’s digress to note that “one flesh” does not refer primarily to sexual union since we can’t go around that way all the time. A husband and wife are “one flesh” all the time, it is a state of being that exists so long as they live. For this reason, the divorce decrees of men cannot undo the union forged by God (Mt 19:9). A husband and wife are one all the time, all day, every day, just as God is one. Three are one in the Godhood; two are one in a marriage. God intended that a marriage approximate as much as possible the unity found between Father, Son and Spirit. Men comprehend the unity of the Godhood by participating in and observing the unity of a good marriage.

            Such a marriage will be filled with love, as God loved the Son, and submission, as Jesus obeyed the Father, and help and nurture, as the Spirit comforted, completed and revealed.

            Considering marriage as a window to the unity of the Godhood makes divorce the more unthinkable. Since sexual union is not merely for reproduction or physical release, but is designed to teach us unity as one loving being, sexual sins become more abominable whether they occur before or after the vows. “Know ye not that he that is joined to a harlot is one body, for the twain, saith he, shall become one flesh” (1Cor 6:16). In other words, How can you degrade this that represents the beautiful unity of the Godhood by casually uniting with others than your spouse? How can you do this to your marriage (whether the wedding has taken place yet in time or not)?? It would be the same as though the Father, the Son, or the Spirit formed an outside relationship with an idol...UNSPEAKABLE!! And, the discords that plague all marriages are seen as the blots on the purity of “one” that they really are. How can we argue angrily, go our own way, seek the dominion, nag, play control games with sex, lay down the law, resent, etc. ad nauseum, when we understand this purpose of marriage?? Is this the way of Christ and the church (Eph 5:22-23)??

            We sing, “O To Be Like Thee” and the way we can come closest is to make our marriages all He wants them to be. God’s purpose from before the fall was that marriage lead man to an understanding of Him that the relationship between man and God could grow and mature. Even in a sin-sick world we can press toward that goal. Truly, “this mystery is great” and we will never comprehend it short of heaven. Yet, the more love and unity of heart, soul, and mind we develop in our marriages, the more we will be fitted to “see him as he is.”

Keith Ward

This is  part 11 of the Monday series, "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

And this second thing you o. You cover the LORD's altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, "Why does he not?" Because the LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. "For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the LORD, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the LORD of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless." Malachi 2:13-16

            The passage in Malachi also reminds us that the husband and wife are covenant partners, which is the last and perhaps most important description of a wife we will discuss.  No other passage in the Bible brings home the seriousness of breaking that covenant in quite the same way. 

            The one who does this is “faithless,” the prophet says in verses 15 and 16.  In another version he is called “treacherous.”  A covenant partner has every right to feel secure in that relationship.  Even a con man like Laban recognized that God was the witness in a marriage covenant (Gen 31:49,50), and even in a polygamous culture lines were drawn.  As we learned earlier, faithlessness was not confined to men (Prov 2:17).  Women can forsake men just as easily, especially these days when “I am woman!” seems to be a call to independence away from men and family in general.

            Malachi states plainly that breaking the marriage covenant is considered “violence,” verse 16, and as above in Genesis 31, “oppression.”  The violence may not be physical, but anyone who has seen the heartbreak of a divorce knows that the “tears” and “groans,” verse 13, are just as real and inflict just as much damage.  I have seen forsaken husbands and wives alike practically disintegrate before my eyes, losing weight, and aging ten years in a month.  God will hold the one who causes that “violence” to His child accountable.

            If nothing else brings home the gravity of violating a covenant, perhaps this will:  God will no longer accept the offering of one who breaks the marriage covenant, verse 13, and s/he no longer has the Spirit, verse 15.  For anyone who still has any recognition at all of his need for the grace of God and the help and comfort of the Holy Spirit in his life, this should be terrifying.  It should certainly be a wake-up call for all those who think they can still be a Christian after dissolving the covenant they swore to for anything other than the one exception Jesus made in Matthew 19. 

            Malachi reinforces God’s displeasure by repeating “thus says the Lord” at the beginning and end of the same sentence (v 16).  It is as if God says, “This is what I say…and I mean it!”  All through the scriptures, God approaches marriage and its responsibilities as a choice we make voluntarily, but which then makes us responsible to its sacred promises.  “Love your husband.”  “Love your wife.”  “Respect your husband.”  “Live joyfully with the wife [spouse] of your youth.”  If these things just “happened” God would not hold us liable.  He expects us to choose to make them happen, working at it, praying for it, fulfilling our individual duties without blaming the other party for the things we refused to do because “the spark has died.”  God expects me to get out my flint and strike a new one.  “It ain’t over till it’s over,” and that isn’t until the other party leaves altogether.

            Our culture may not honor marriage, considering it as breakable as an athlete’s contract, but “from the beginning it was not so,” Jesus said in Matthew 19.  One man, one woman, one lifetime—that’s what God intended.  A marriage is not between two persons, but three.  God is that third partner.  When you stand there in that beautiful white gown thinking this day is all about you, remember Who Else you are making a vow to.  Even if someday you think so little of your spouse that you would break a solemn oath to him, think twice before you break it to a Creator who could destroy you with a thought.

When you shall vow a vow unto Jehovah your God, you shall not be slack to pay it: for Jehovah your God will surely require it of you; and it would be sin in you.  That which is gone out of your lips you shall observe and do; according as you have vowed unto Jehovah your God... Deuteronomy 23:21,23.

Live joyfully with the wife [or husband] whom you love all the days of your life of vanity, which he has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity: for that is your portion in life, and in your labor wherein you labor under the sun. Ecclesiastes 9:9

Dene Ward

This is Part 9 of the Monday series, "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

Drink waters out of your own cistern, And running waters out of your own well. Should your springs be dispersed abroad, And streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, And not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed; And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a pleasant doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And be ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:15-19

            In many ladies’ Bible class books on marriage, especially those written by women, any reference to the sexual relationship is either absent or barely skimmed over.  Obviously, no one is comfortable with this topic, and maybe that is why more and more marriages are falling apart due to adultery.  God had a plan for marriage, and when we neglect any part of that plan, it will not be the perfect plan He created.

            The passage above from Proverbs is not only beautiful, but plainly written and instructive if we do more than read through it quickly with our eyes cast down in embarrassment.

           “Drink waters from your own cistern, and running water out of your own well.”  Yes, there is a possessiveness that is right in a marriage, just as God, who depicted his relationship with his people as a marriage, said, “I am a jealous God.”  I have every right to expect my husband to be mine and mine alone, and he has every right to expect the same from me.  In fact, we each have the right to expect that we were the only ones ever.  “For this is the will of God…that you should abstain from fornication…that no man defraud his brother…” 1 Thes 4:3-6.  When I give myself to another man before marriage, I have defrauded my future husband of what is rightfully his and his alone, and the same holds true for men.  God is an equal opportunity God.

            “Should your springs be dispersed abroad, and streams of water in the streets?  Let them be for yourself alone and not for strangers with you.”  The physical relationship between a husband and wife is not only intimate, it is private, not for general consumption, and sacred in that privacy.  “Let marriage be held in honor and the marriage bed undefiled,” the Hebrew writer adds in 13:4.  This part of the relationship is too precious to be thrown into the street for just anyone to see or hear about.

            “Let your fountain be blessed…”  The fountain here is a parallelism for the cistern, a deep well hewn out of rock.  In the scriptures “cistern” is symbolic of many things, including a necessity of life in a home (Deut 6:11), a peaceful and comfortable home (2 Kgs 18:31), and a source of life (Isa 51:1).  Those are more than appropriate descriptions in this case where the cistern and fountain symbolize the woman’s body.  If the fountain is “blessed,” a Hebrew word that is often translated “happy,” it becomes obvious that the woman is neither abused nor does she dislike the sexual aspect of marriage.  That is emphasized further when the writer continues, “Rejoice in the wife of your youth.”  This relationship is a joyful one.  When Abimelech looked out his window and saw the “brother and sister” team of Isaac and Rebekah “sporting” (Gen 26:7-9), two things became apparent to him.   First, they were married.  Despite the culture we live in, there are things that a husband and wife do that unmarried couples do not do.  Second, they were both enjoying what was going on.  Ladies, not only does God expect you to enjoy this part of your marriage, it can ruin it for the man you say you love if you do not.

            “…In the wife of your youth,” the writer says.  I found a commentator who said that could correctly be translated, “whom you married in your youth.”  In other words, they are no longer young, but they are still together.  God designed marriage for one man and one woman for one lifetime.  He designed this aspect of marriage the same way.  This couple in Proverbs is no longer young but they are still enjoying the sexual relationship God designed.  Frequency and intensity may change, but the need for intimacy in a marriage never goes away.  If you find yourself married to a man you no longer know, maybe it’s because you amputated part of the relationship a long time ago. 

            “Let her breasts satisfy you at all times.”  This husband, despite his wife’s advancing age, is content with what he has.  We have already spoken about keeping yourself desirable to him as much as possible.  But even as your outer beauty fades, you can keep him happy and content by giving him what he needs and wants, when he needs it and wants it. 

            But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5.

            This passage does not say, “You are mine, I can do with you what I want.”  What it does say is, “I am yours, I will do what you want.”  The obligation is on the giver not the taker.  Too many women do not understand the real need that God has placed in a man’s body.  Testosterone makes him more aggressive, which enhances his desire to protect you.  It also makes him more easily aroused sexually.  When you fill that need, it helps to cement the relationship he has with you and his desire to protect and provide for his family.  If you do not allow him to fulfill that need in this godly manner, not only can you damage the relationship, you may be responsible for causing him to stumble (sin), and God will hold you accountable.  The Hebrew word for cistern (bor) is sometimes used of a dungeon or prison—a deep one.  When a man is locked into a sexless marriage, he is in a very real prison, one where he is tempted almost beyond endurance every day of his life, but unable to get out of it and stay faithful to the God he also made that marriage covenant before.  Yes, God allows for a time of abstinence to “devote yourself to prayer.”  Most of the enforced abstinence I know of happens because she got mad and wanted to punish him, not so she could pray.  Ladies, you are playing with fire when you do this, and you may just get burned—eternally.

            “Be ravished always with her love.”  Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the word translated “ravished” means to be deceived or to go astray.  What? I thought confusedly.  Then I got it.  He is so enraptured, enamored, entranced, and captivated by her that he simply loses his good sense.  Like a man who is intoxicated, he wants no one but her, and she is on his mind day and night.  If you have a man who treats you like that, it can be the most erotic thing in the world.  Most of us are not beautiful in the world’s eyes, nor glamorous, but a man who treats you like you are is all any woman really needs.  Now you give him what he needs.  Don’t make him beg.  Don’t make him miserable. 

            Treat him like the love of your life, the man who provides and protects to the best of his ability and wants nothing more than to be with you and you alone forever.

As an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. With great delight I sat in his shadow, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love. Sustain me with raisins; refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me!.. The voice of my beloved! Behold, he comes, leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Behold, there he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, looking through the lattice. My beloved speaks and says to me: …Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away. O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the crannies of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely…My beloved is mine, and I am his.. Song of Solomon 2:3-6, 8-9, 13-14,16.

Dene Ward

This is Part 8 of the Monday series, "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

            Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7.

            The concept of “vessel” as figurative of bodies, lives, even nations, has been well established since Old Testament times (1 Sam 21:4,5; Psalm 11:12; Isa 65:4; Jer 18).  The figure is continued in the New Testament in passages such as Acts 9:15; 2 Cor 4:7; Rom 9:19ff; 2 Tim 2:20,21, as well as the passage above.  In both the Hebrew and Greek the word literally means “utensil” or “instrument.”  In the Peter passage the word “woman” is actually mistranslated as a noun when it should be an adjective: …giving honor unto the womanly vessel…” as opposed to the manly.  In other words, the man is an instrument too, and both man and woman are instruments of God, not one of the other, joint-heirs of the grace of life.

            I read an article once using the metaphor of crystal goblets and Mason jars.  Which is the weaker (more fragile) vessel?  Yet which one is treated with the most honor (care, protection)?  In many societies the men have used their greater strength to take advantage of the women, using them as workhorses, and ignoring their needs.  When I was younger I heard a man say, “In my day, women used to have babies and go out and work in the field the next day.”  My husband replied, “And a lot more of them died young too.”  It has only been in modern civilization that the average lifespan of women has surpassed that of men. A good many of the laws that seem slanted against women in the Old Testament, were actually given for their protection.  The scriptures teach that men are not to take advantage of women just because of their greater physical strength but to give them the honor and care of a fragile, crystal goblet.

           Some have a problem with the word “weaker.”  The word does not mean “weak.”  It is a word of comparison.  It means “less strong,” and it certainly does not apply to intellect or emotion.  As we recently discovered, the woman of Proverbs 31 possesses the strength to handle life’s problems instead of being another emotional burden on her husband.  A man wants a woman who can keep her head in a crisis, bear disappointment with a smile, and take heartbreak without a complete collapse.  And yes, it is right for him to want a woman who can and will work alongside him without complaining.

            I have dug ditches in a monsoon next to my husband to keep our house from washing away.  But he sent me in after the worst was done, to rest and dry off while he “just finished up,” another hour’s work.  There are times when things must be done and one has to muster up as much physical strength as possible, but the strongest man is still stronger than the strongest woman.  Until all athletic contests are no longer gender specific and the women are regularly winning, there is no denying that men are physically stronger.

            The media consistently presents the man of the family as a buffoon, a bumbling idiot who must always be saved from himself by his far more intelligent, cultured, sensible wife.  Do you think I haven’t heard Christian women talk about their men in exactly the same way?

            God designed the man to be the provider and protector, 1 Tim 5:8; Gen 3:17-19, even to giving his life for his wife if necessary, Eph 5:25.  Let him use what God put in him!  Nowadays we are so civilized that there is seldom any substantive need for real protection—no wild animals, no angry natives, no longer any dramatic way to prove himself.  Then, to make it worse, we steal our husbands’ self-esteem by complaining about the standard of living he has provided, laughing at his attempts to buy us gifts, and insulting his careful planning for our financial security.  If you don’t think you are being treated with the honor you deserve, maybe it’s because you have not let him honor you in the only ways he knows how, the ways God programmed into him.

            It is up to you to let your husband be the head of the house.  Eph 5:22 never tells the husband to put his wife into subjection.  In the same way, he cannot “nourish and cherish” you (literally “feed and warm”) if you do not let him (Eph 5:29).  God used marriage as a pattern for his relationship with His people.  He had a problem when his “wife” went to someone besides Him for her needs and her protection, and when she insisted that she could take care of herself without Him, Hos 2:5-13.  What makes us think a man will feel any differently when we act like we don’t need him?

But if any provide not for his own, and specially his own household, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever. 1 Timothy 5:8.

Dene Ward

This is  Part 7 of the Monday series "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

            In Ezekiel 24:16, Jehovah refers to Ezekiel’s wife as “the desire of your eyes.”  Too many wives miss the significance of that description.  We think that once we have caught ourselves a man, we don’t have to worry about our appearance.  If this verse means anything, it means that Ezekiel loved to look at his wife, that her appearance pleased him.  That doesn’t just happen.  In some manner, she paid enough attention to herself to stay attractive to him.

            Now, that verse also says a lot about Ezekiel.  She was the desire of his eyes, no one else.  She was the one he wanted to look at, not every other woman who might display herself in an inappropriate way.  He wasn’t in the market for another woman.  Notice also, Ezekiel was thirty when the book began, and no more than 36 when it ended.  He was not an older man with a decreased libido.  To even a young Ezekiel there was one woman and one woman only.

            But that still doesn’t take away from the idea that a godly woman is careful about her appearance.  I am not going to tell you that you have to stay a size 4—if you ever were to begin with.  Carrying his children and preparing his meals, plus the added responsibility of hospitality that in the Scriptures always involved sharing a meal, precludes any notion of a girl-like figure lasting through fifty years of marriage.  I am, however, supposed to be a living sacrifice, Rom 12:1.  That means I take care of my health as surely as it meant keeping those animal sacrifices healthy and unblemished.  It means I exercise self-control in all things, Gal 5:23; 2 Pet 1:6.  I heard one woman say, “To lose weight I have to be hungry, and I just won’t do that.”  With that attitude, Jesus would have turned the stones into a four course meal. 

            Yet even the most conscientious of women put it on.  Unless you are genetically predisposed to thinness, there comes a time when either your metabolism has slowed too much with age or you are under activity restrictions for medical reasons which make it more difficult to exercise it off.  Discouragement is constant.  Men can leave the butter off their bread and lose ten pounds in a month.  You can leave out both the butter and the bread, and maybe you will lose half a pound that month, but you will gain it and four more back the next weekend when you have company or cook for a church potluck.  You simply accept that your waistline will thicken, and a good man will understand.  But a Christian always exercises moderation and self-control, and always cares for her Temple, 1 Cor 6:19,20, even a slightly larger one.

            But if your figure is the only thing that makes you the desire of your husband’s eyes, you obviously picked the wrong man.  Watching your weight is only a small part of a woman’s appearance and, except in cases endangering health, probably the most superficial.  A lot can be said for just staying presentable.  Are you clean and sweet-smelling?  Is your hair clean and combed?  Are your clothes clean, pressed, and mended?  It is just as impossible to live with a woman and never see her in curlers and cold cream as it is to live with a man and never see him sweaty and unshaven, but is she still shuffling around in those dingy scuffs and ratty terrycloth robe at noon?  Does she save her nice clothes, makeup, and hairdos for others, and always wear holey jeans or frumpy house dresses and leave her hair scraggly and unkempt for him, even when it isn’t window-washing, bean-picking, or floor-scrubbing day?

            The worthy woman made “for herself carpets of tapestry, her clothing is fine linen and purple” Prov 31:22.  We certainly do not advocate living beyond one’s means, but the wife should make some effort to look nice—for him.  It costs more time and money than most of us have to look glamorous, but just a little time and effort would give some husbands a welcome change, plenty enough for him to call her “the desire of my eyes.”

            The most important way for women to stay beautiful is to “adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefastness and sobriety, not with braided hair and gold or pearls, but (which becomes women professing godliness) with good works” 1 Tim 2:9,10.  Many a plain woman has become beautiful to me as I came to know her because of her character shining through, but no amount of makeup has hidden for long the ugliness of others. 

            One cannot make her features more regular or remove the flaws from her skin, but she can clean up her soul and with God’s help, keep it white as snow.  She can keep from becoming hard and bitter.  She can keep her voice from screeching and whining.  She can keep her face from scowling and sneering.

            A man has no business expecting his fifty-year old wife to look twenty-five, but he has every reason to expect her character to grow younger until she becomes “as a little child” Mark 10:15.  As the king advised in Proverbs 31:10: Grace is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears Jehovah, she shall be praised.


Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.1 Peter 3:4.

Dene Ward

And he came to Lystra and Derbe and behold, a certain disciple was there named Timothy, the son of a Jewess that believed, but his father was a Greek, Acts 16:1.

            Having been reminded of the unfeigned faith that is in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois, and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded, in you also, 2 Tim 1:5.

            Did you see it?  Don’t feel bad.  I missed it too, for years.

            Wasn’t it great that Eunice taught her son so well?  But how many of us are thinking in the back of our minds, “Tsk, tsk, it would have been easier if she had married a child of God to begin to with.”  I have been guilty of such snap judgments myself over the years, placing these people in my own culture and social customs.  Lydia aside, it was not common for a woman to make her own living in those days, in those places.  Because of that, to be left alone a widow was to be sentenced to a life of poverty and dependence upon the kindness of others.  Look how many passages in the Law made provisions for the widow and orphan.  They did not live in a day of insurance policies, pensions, Social Security, and Aid for Dependent Children.  If God’s people did not follow the Law as he designed it, the widow and orphan would starve. 

            Parents often arranged marriages, and expecting their daughter to live alone and support herself simply because they could not find a God-fearing husband for her was not an expedient choice for Eunice’s parents.  Out in the Gentile world with few practicing Jews in the area, the best they could do was find a Greek whom they thought would take good care of their daughter.

            And here is what we miss:  how do we know there were no Jews to choose from?  It was Paul’s custom to go to the synagogue first when he came to a town, (Acts 13:5, 14; 14:1: 17:1, etc).  From the account in Acts, it seems evident that there were no synagogues in Lystra or Derbe.  That also means there were fewer than 10 Jewish male heads of household in the town, the number necessary to form a synagogue, and not even enough Jewish women to meet down by the river as in Philippi, (16:13).  Which means there was no Jewish school to send her son to, one of the primary functions of a local synagogue.  Besides these obstacles, how many little boys want to “be like Daddy?”

             So now you have a woman married to a Greek, who was taught the scripture (Old Testament) so well that she “also believed,” meaning she accepted Jesus as the fulfillment of Messianic prophecy, something even the “well-educated” scribes and “pious” Pharisees could not seem to do.  And she raised a son to do the same, without a righteous man to influence him, without a formal religious education, and without a community of believers from which to draw help and encouragement.

            I daresay that none of us has the problems Eunice faced as a mother.  In this day when so many want to blame everyone else for their failures, when so many blame the church for the way their children turned out, she is a shining example of what can be done, of one who took the responsibility and, despite awesome odds, succeeded.

            The world bestows the term “Supermom” for all the wrong reasons.  Here is the real thing, one we should be emulating every day of our lives.

And these words which I command you this day shall be upon your heart, and you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up.  And you shall bind them for a sign upon your hand, and they shall be frontlets between your eyes.  And you shall write them upon the doorposts of your house and upon your gates,  Deut 6:6-9.

Dene Ward

This is Part 5 of the Monday series "Whoso Findeth a Wife."

A worthy woman is a crown to her husband, but she that makes ashamed is as rottenness in his bones, Prov 12:4.

A crown shows that a man is a leader, worthy of respect and honor.  A wife crowns or dethrones her husband with her spoken attitudes and behavior.  The public often takes its cue from her, for who can respect a “man who knows not how to rule his own house?” (1 Tim 3:5).

His wife’s subjections is probably the surest gauge of a husband’s character.  Despite all her protestations, a wife who is not in subjection is easy to spot--she will not be in subjection anywhere.  In Bible classes she is controversial, opinionated, and pushy.  She speaks her mind in a sarcastic, hostile, or offensive tone of voice—and woe to the teacher who tries to point this out!  She makes public scenes either by raising her voice or by being careless of who may be within earshot.  Any man, anywhere, any time is prey to her razor-sharp tongue.

A wife’s loyalty to her husband is another way of bestowing honor on him.  Unfortunately, we who consider ourselves loyal may behave in disloyal ways without ever realizing it.  Loyalty is not confined to sexual fidelity.

A woman who does things she and her friends know her husband disapproves of is disloyal.  Do you have to hide things from him?  The phone bill? The credit card statement?  Do you keep a dress for six months so that when you finally whip it out and wear it you can “truthfully” say, “No this isn’t new.  I’ve had it quite awhile.”  You might be surprised at some of the things I have heard women admit to.  Even if his demands are unreasonable, the very fact that you gripe about them to others and then disregard them, shows that you want others to feel the same disdain for him you do.  God intended that a husband and wife be for each other, each the one the other can count on.

A gossiping wife causes others to think less of her husband.  How much would you be willing to share with a man whose wife spent half her day on the phone?  Would you go to him for help with a problem?  Would you be inclined to “confess your faults” (James 5:19)?  Gossip causes everyone to “wag their heads” (Psa 64:8), a sure sign of disrespect.

A wife surely demeans her husband by making statements that begin, “He knows better than to…” as if he should fear the consequences she might hand out.  What tales we tell about our marriages without realizing it!

Immoral behavior is probably the greatest disgrace a wife can bring to her husband.  It leaves others questioning not only his control of the home, but his manhood as well.  More Christians slip into adultery than you want to believe.  Others get as close to it as they can with their choice of clothing.  Lewd dress encourages men to think thoughts about other men’s wives that they have no business thinking.  Not only has she shamed her husband, but she has caused others to sin as well.

When a woman acts in these ways, she is telling the world, “I do not feel my husband is worthy of honor and respect.  Why should you?”  And that publicly expressed attitude, even if never spoken aloud, eats away at him: “but she who makes ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.”  Just as cancer can kill the body, a wife can murder her husband’s spirit. 

Respect your husband; honor him as head.  Do nothing that will shame him.  Be a crown, the reason others respect and honor him.  As it is said of the worthy woman:
Her husband is known in the gates where he sits among the elders of the land, Prov 31:23.

Dene Ward